20天托福110分复习计划，由于另一个帖子楼数太高，现在本帖也开始为各位改作文

bleachconUID: 2603310

楼主辛苦了，我是3月底的考生，- =语法不理想，总之作文非常没有自信，谢谢楼主能帮助我~~~

发上来两篇文章
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82
  Advertising is, in my opinion, the means used most commonly used by companies to publicize their new products. It is design, the idea of showing the advantages of the products within minutes is an abstruse knowledge. How to make the most profiles through these short propaganda? By viewing the differences between western advertisement and Chinese advertisement, I do distinguish one from the other.
  Straight to the point, Western ads are full of amazing effects, consequences creativity. They surprise you when you first see them. It may takes time to digest the purpose of the ads or the products’ properties. However the aim of the ads is to impress you in subconscious way. I remember the ads of SNICKERS. Two groups of giants are having football game. One is aiming to catch the flying ball. Suddenly because loosing of energy, the giant turns back to normal person.
  On this key point, he take out the bar and has a bite, then back to the giant and successfully catch the ball. It tells you that SNICKERS is strong and it provides you energy when you need most. However Chinese ads focus on the products. The companies ask stars and celebrities to be the mouth piece of the products. Elder actors are invited to be the represent of osteopractic. Singers are the mouthpiece of clothes. Chinese companies seldom use complex ideas to show the ads since the situation of ads now in China is to make common people know what they need and what they want to have.
  Also ads add many ethic features in them. Like the ads of Coke in China. There are red lanterns hanging around. Families get together to have dinner in the night of spring festival. There on the table stand the Coke. I think the ads in America may be young people holds the Coke and drink together to celebrate their youth. The initiative advertisements also need to rely to the counties’ tradition. In order to have the product be accepted by the public, not only the product is qualified but also it is practical in daily life. To be a little bit exaggerative, I don’t think the ads of bikini will be present in the program of Arab.
  Considering the above, we actually can tell something from the ads. But it is particial to say that ads can help us understanding the country. To judge a country objectively, there are still a lot of things to take into consideration.




154
  I believe most people will raise hands for the discipline of smocking-forbidden. Despite those “addicts”, even the people smocking know the disadvantage of smoking. For me, staying with someone who smock or even with the smell of smoke in their shirts disturbs me. Smoking in public is considered to be impolite. Smoking harms smokers but also the people surrounding you. Banning smoking in the public will benefit people profoundly.
  The serious problem smokers face is the lung cancer and relative respiratory diseases. Every year, people die of respiratory problems contribute to 1/10 the death rate of all diseases. It takes a long time to find out you are catch in these diseases. My father, who used to smoke badly snored so hard when sleeping. However, it relieves a lot after he get rid of smoking. The victims of smoking are the smokers and their families. According to a survey, the families of smokers get cancer more frequently than smokers themselves.
  People find many ways to make sure the addicts will not disturb others when smocking. The set of segregate smoking room or the smoking zone on the trains seems not to be a good idea. What will happen when a lot of people smoking together? Have you ever heard news about people who die because he stay with heavy smokers for to long? Being in a oxygen-lack atmosphere harms our brain and the whole mental system. Staying in smelly room for a long time makes people infected with interrupting smell too.
  Also, those who smoke have yellow teeth, bad smell mouth. Once my friend told me that if somebody smoke very hard, the dirty oil will exudes though the pores in the skin. It sounds disgusting and hard to imagine. As the society grows to be more open, teenagers start to smoke too. These bad habits are the copy of surrounding adults. What smoker contribute to the society is the growing rate of death and the crime rate of teenager and the taxes come from cigarettes only.
  I know that France have set the forbiddance of smoking nationally. I hope that China can spread of smoking banning gradually to set up a good society atmosphere.

  

我可以每天都发文章上来么？我现在是高中的住校生，18号开学以后可能会一次性的发上来很多，谢谢！
【这样子盖楼没问题么？】

walalaUID: 2603375

请问LZ现在还可以改作文么~急需啊!

阿泰UID: 209473

改

walalaUID: 2603375

啊,太感谢了~我作文水平不怎么样,辛苦LZ了
题目:Playing sports teaches people lessons about life
  With the development in nation’s economy, more and more people become realize the importance of the quality of life. They do various kinds of activities especially sports to keep in fit. From my point of view, playing sports should be a necessary part of every people’s life, not only because it will bring a lot of benefits to one’s health, but also because of its positive impact on the understanding of life.
  Basically, sports teach people to keep moving, there’s an old saying states that the meaning of people’s life is exercising, sports will teach us to take actions if we want to march on, if we want to make progress. We can’t get improved if we just stand still, just like we won’t be healthy if we don’t try to do sports. Do more and talk less is the first lesson which the sports teach us.
  We need to insist, set a goal and try our best with out giving up to realize it. I think this is the second inspiration that playing sports gives me. I still remember is Senior 2, I decided to take part in the running competition of 100metres in the school sports event. So I run everyday in the morning to keep myself in a practice condition, and at last I succeeded, it was due to the effort that I make everyday. And it is the same as in the study and work, whether you can receive achievements or not, in most times, depends on your persistence in making efforts, if you insist on working hard , there will be nothing difficult for you.
  What’s more, through the process of playing sports, I also learn to cooperate with others. Many sports require people’s cooperation with each other. Team members have to be in harmony and excellent trim with each other to be the winner in a competition, such as in a basketball match, players’ cooperation sometimes determines the result of the match. And in other cases, cooperation is also very important, particularly in the present society, which competitions become more and more fierce. In a corporation, workmates have to work together to promote the company, while in a school ,students should help each other to improve everyone’s score. Without cooperation ,it will be hard for a society to be in a developing state.
  Therefore, to draw a conclusion, I think playing sports really teach people many meaningful things about life, and we should actively take part in different kinds of sports to enjoy and learn.

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

bleachcon同学，你可能是新人，我以前在另外一个楼里说过我不改语法。抱歉。你每天都可以发作文上来，但是一篇就好了，因为你连作文在于精而不在于多。大规模的作文练习在短时间内起不到任何效果，只会是你的错误在你的脑海里更加根深蒂固。
1.第一段：如果想要拿高分，第一段一定要非常清楚的告诉读者你想要说明的是什么。我通过你作文的第一段，看得相当迷茫……以后在写，最好在第一段段位用简单句写出你这篇文章的中心。
2.I remember the ads of SNICKERS. Two groups of giants are having football game. One is aiming to catch the flying ball. Suddenly because loosing of energy, the giant turns back to normal person.绝对的败笔，你写离子是希望离子能够佐证你的论点，所以在写离子的时候最好能够给出说明，比如：i remember the ads of "SNICKERS" which is a chocolate bar made by the Mars family.这样能够让读者明白你说的是什么……
3.以后发上来的作文前面最好多孔几个，这样看起来清楚一些。
4.Chinese companies seldom use complex ideas to show the ads since the situation of ads now in China is to make common people know what they need and what they want to have.些简单句把，你的语法不好，写出来的长句我看的完全迷茫，这样的句子只会给你减分，对你提分一点帮助也没有。
总评：剩下的文章和前面的问题一样，不再多说。你的以后再写文章的时候最好开头和结尾都有总结句，这是我在talkingabc.com上面找的外教他告诉我的，外教说总结句和文章开头结尾的总结段，对于一片字数不多的文章非常必要。是得分的重点。

liurui8802UID: 2595045

楼主真是大好人 我也发上来 希望能抽空帮忙修改
题目是机经上的 感觉有点问题：Do you agree or disagree, technology make people’s lives simpler in turn to make people’s lives more complicated
个人觉得应该是二选一的那种吧


Modern technology have long boasted for the convenience it brings us.The ultimate goal of innovation is to make human's life more enjoyable and meaningful.However,beneath the seemingly ease and comfort, lies some untold problems. Our lives, to some extent, have been more complicated with the help of modern technology.Here we will examine some aspects of those problems.

First of all,sorting out information becomes more time-consuming than ever before. Internet has turned the world into a library,and answers to your questions, the clothes in fashion, destination for vacation are just a few clicks away.You are glad to find that there are so many to choose from at the first glance,yet you soon find yourself overwhelmed by them.Moreover, most of the time you find nothing useful among those seemingly abundant choices.For example,you want to find some recipes for your birthday party,with a click, on the screen pops out thousands of ads of "best dishes for birthday party---just came to our restaurant!" It is said that we are entering an age of information, but who can guarantee that it is not an age of junk information?

Additionally, technology may deprive us of some pleasure with traditional tools.Many people enjoy the pleasure of holding a book and absorbing the essence hiding between lines.Unfortunately, this kind of enjoyment may be lost in several decades.Some companies have come out with e-books, which, as they claim, will not only save us of carrying books everywhere we go,but also cut the demand on paper.But they may not understand what an intimate relation books have with their owners.Flipping through pages gives you the impression that the insightful author is talking to you, carrying your favourite book with you is another way of finding a new friend , writing on the blank pages allows you to feel a kind of success.Without them,what fun will we have staring at those characters on the screen?Life would be harder and more complicated without these simple happiness.

Undoubtedly, technology has brought us a more easier way to live.However, we may also encounter some problems and miss those old pastime.We live for  happiness, pleasure,not just for convenience.

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

Walala

1.With the development in nation’s economy, more and more people become realize the importance of the quality of life. They do various kinds of activities especially sports to keep in fit. From my point of view, playing sports should be a necessary part of every people’s life, not only because it will bring a lot of benefits to one’s health, but also because of its positive impact on the understanding of life.非常清楚的第一段，结构和长句写的都很不错，注意以下语法会更好。
2.Basically, sports teach people to keep moving, there’s an old saying states that the meaning of people’s life is exercising, sports will teach us to take actions if we want to march on, if we want to make progress. We can’t get improved if we just stand still, just like we won’t be healthy if we don’t try to do sports. Do more and talk less is the first lesson which the sports teach us.还需要在具体阐述以下，外教说例子很重要，尤其在文章中出现以“I，MY”开头的离子，能为你的文章增色不少。
3.第三段就不复制了，离子很出彩，上面我已经提到，这种轻身经历的离子能为你的文章增色不少。
4.通过看你的论述段落，发现你的文章四轮很清楚，但是不喜欢精写总结句，以你第4段为例，你完全可以用team spirit 代替cooperate with others，这样不但能够显示出你的词汇积累，而且能够使你的文章结构更清晰。
5.最后一段有放水嫌疑，草草带过……最好能真正的做一下归纳总结，比如换一种说法把上面3个段落的总结句再说一遍。
总体来讲，这篇文章还是不错的，但是缺少对细节的把握。

carol1007UID: 2524347

求拍一个最近写的作文，时间紧，限时还写不出来东西，郁闷啊，这个不是限时写的，比较长。麻烦高人给指点一下，另外作文大概得练习多少篇比较容易上手。。谢谢了
topic 41:Is it more important to use land for human uses such as farming,industry than to save for endangered animals.

Last month my family and I visited to the wild animal zoo  and I found that varieties of the wild animals are already disappeared on earth while the introduction boards hung on the gate of their rooms were not be taken away in time .The zoo administrator told us that recent years the ratio of the endangered animals increased dramatically and the situation was directedly induced by the human activities which brought about desertification or deforestation .If our human beings focus exteremly on the economic development without taking the balance of the ecology into consideration, it is the same as the skycraper having no sturdy basis .From my viewpoint saving land for endangered animals should be put first.

Land ,as we all know ,is one of the most precious resource for a nation and its population.Farmers rely on land to feed the family,individual lives on the rice and vegetables that land produces,agriculture plays an vital role in a nation's fanancial and future wealth of the citizens.Land is the elementary factor of industry development,no progress could be realized in the absence of land.My uncle who possesses his own business rents the land which he claims to  a promising enterprise to build its manufacture factory and earns a considerable sum of money as the rents of the land.It is on the basis of land people can utilize the various of natural resources and process them into products,in terms to say ,no matter how mechanized and diversified the industry becomes ,land is the prerequisite of the industry advances.

As a matter of fact,contemporary people have already recognized the value of land in the economic development ,the soaring price of land is the most substancial evidence.Simultaneously,the land used to be the habitats of the animals are deprived for human uses and the previously carefree animals are driven off to seek for new available land .Land is becoming more and more scarcing as the result of human uses,tremendous animals have no proper land to live and go to death.In the lack of extensive attention and intensive preservation ,the endangered species are inevidently facing dippearance.Some people may ask what on earth will happen if this circumstances continues.The answer is that our ecosystem will be facing demolishments.Animals are our compamy in the nature and we should live in a harmony with each other.If the harmony is damaged thoroughly by us ,then unbelievable problems of environment will take place around all of us.

From another aspect ,my standview can also be supported sufficiently.Not only they are the members of ecosystem but also the rare animals are valuable treasure of a country,the nation should be proud of the records of the rare species withing its territory .It is the government's accountability to enact relevant laws to protect the endangered animals ,for instance ,to preserve the habitat of the animals.I am in deep fear that our lovely animals will be never existed on earth in the predictable future ,it is indeed a regret that there are even no vivid iamages of some rare animals can be appeared in our descendants' brains,as a consequence of having no possibility to have a look at them.

bleachconUID: 2603310

多谢楼主！【抱拳】
小弟一定谨记在心。。。

奔跑蜗牛UID: 2579189

28# 腾格里旅狼 旅狼 我好好琢磨去了

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

1.Modern technology have long boasted for the convenience it brings us.The ultimate goal of innovation is to make human's life more enjoyable and meaningful.However,beneath the seemingly ease and comfort, lies some untold problems. Our lives, to some extent, have been more complicated with the help of modern technology.Here we will examine some aspects of those problems.我不看语法，非常欣赏你的第一段，写的非常不错，长短句搭配合理。很地道。
2.Internet has turned the world into a library,and answers to your questions, the clothes in fashion, destination for vacation are just a few clicks away.这句话写的很迷茫，我看了半天都没明白，如果要举例的话最好能用个like或者such as 显示以下。
3.第二段没有延续第一段的完美，你要讲mass information，但是那个不仅仅有广告，也许有其他相关联但是没用的信息。第二段的主要离子写跑题了。而且最后也没有总结句。
总结：第二段和第三段的问题差不多，所以以第三段为例写总结，希望对你有所帮助：通过你的低2.3段可以看出，你在思考问题的时候考虑的不够全面，比如你在第三段说书的感觉，你并没有突出纸质书和ebook的不同，在ebook上，我一样可以通过笔在空白处留下笔记，这真的是不同么？以后在举例和阐述问题的时候最好先问一下自己，真的只是这样么？还有没有别的可能？这样，你的文章会写的更好。还有，不要忘记写总结句。这对作文来讲很重要。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

回复carol1007：先感慨一下，你的作文好长啊，突然想起来韩寒《三重门》里的一句话：文思如尿崩，谁与我争锋。哈哈，开个玩笑，别当真。
1.我很欣赏你第一段的离子，但是考虑到这时应试作文，最好还是将举例放在后面写，第一段做个简单阐述，然后点出你文章的主旨就好了。
我看了你的后面段落，大体上了解了你的缺陷，在这里直接总结：
你能写出很好的例子，这些例子都是有自己的亲身经历引出，是外国人最提倡的例子形式。但是你的阐述并不清晰，而且文章的整体思路很乱，一这篇文章为例，如果你希望支持给动物土地，就最好说一下缺点和有点，然后重点阐述优点，As a matter of fact,contemporary people have already recognized the value of land in the economic development ……这一段话完全可以精简至1-2句写在最后一段。
希望对你有所帮助。

liurui8802UID: 2595045

谢楼主，我就是为文章的例子发愁呢。要是日常话题还好想例子。但是这种科技人文的真不好写例子。特别是我这篇文章第三段，文章说的是科技是否让生活更复杂，我写的是科技让生活缺少了乐趣，所以生活看起来更为复杂，不知道老外买不买帐。第二段的例子我就是想说明找东西老是碰到不相关的信息，比如广告。但是可能前面没有交代，所以看起来就只是强调的打广告的事。30分钟写作想出例子来，楼主有什么方法吗？
41# 腾格里旅狼

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

回复liurui8802
我感觉你写文章的时候可以从离子想主题，比如你写的，既然想到广告了，就写科技的缺点，比如会带来一些无用的信息，如广告。这样反着套着写，可能对你来讲会更容易一些。

walalaUID: 2603375

非常感谢LZ的指点啊!!!~真是一针见血~我会继续努力的,辛苦LZ了!