20天托福110分复习计划，由于另一个帖子楼数太高，现在本帖也开始为各位改作文

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

回复jstzfish：无论是戴云还是李晓来都不是神，他们的方法是建立在他们实力的基础上的，换句话说，无论他们怎么说，他们自己按照自己的说法写出来的文章分数都不会很低。问题在于，像你我这样的入门者，我们可能一辈子就只和托福打一次交到，所以我认为英文中一些针对初级写作人员的建议对我们这样的人就很有用，关于写个人例子就是我请的美国外交告诉我的。当然，如果你的实力已经凌驾于初级学习着了，用一些高级技巧确实也是挺有效的。
关于那句话。我没有说你一定不要写，而是希望你尽可能的简单阐述一下，托福考官每天要改很多作文，不可能耐下心一片一片的看，你写的这种句子，写好了，可能会帮你提高一分，但是如果写不好，就可能导致考官对你这一整段失去兴趣，就有可能导致你失去2-3分，衡量一下，不如在段中写这些句子，就算写坏了，考官也不会很在意，写好了，效果差不多。
美观系，有问题尽管发上来，寄托上的氛围还是很好的，我也只是尽我个人之力，如果文中有什么地方说的不妥，还请不要放在心上。呵呵:loveliness:

csuwylUID: 2559400

谢谢楼主！好帖

lightgUID: 2620543

听了LZ的话如沐春风啊~大恩不言谢~趁热打铁修改了一下，劳烦您费心看一下啦~蓝字为修改后
It is apparent to all that for a modern university, there is a large amount of facilities to be improved. Like the libraries, students’ sport activities. Faced with the problem with the distribution of fund, quite a few universities prefer to give more money to libraries rather than students' sport activities. But other universities conceive differently, they give the same amount of money to their students’ sports activities as they give to their university libraries. However, as a undergraduate, I believe the second one is a better option to choose indeed.
Nowadays,faced with the problem with the distribution of fund, quite a few universities prefer to give more money to libraries rather than students' sport activities. But other universities conceive differently.However, as a undergraduate, I insist they should give the same amount of money to students’ sports activities.
Before I develop my ideas, I prefer to cite my university as a single instance. Commonly, there is not a large quality of support for students' sport activities. Subsequently, if sometimes we students need to do some exercise or hold a sports game, there is no way but to go somewhere out of the campus. And I remember when I was a freshman and so excited about the first campus sports competition that I took part in two events including 100-mile race and high jump. I prepared for them everyday. To my disappointment, on account of lacking in gyms and space, eventually,they decided to change the place of race from campus into a stadium which is,unfortunately,very far from the campus. As a result, I had to spent 2 hours returning to campus from stadium to take part in high jump. Without a doubt, I only got the last position in high jump, because I was too echausted.To the already my examples, a numerous further examples may be added. My best friends Rachel and her classmates, those who took part in relay race, had a car accident on the way back campus, because they were so rushed, and exceeded the speed limit. I strongly believe that if only the university had supplied enough money for sport activities, we could devote all the energies, only,to the competition instead of the staffs I encountered. And we could, undoubtedly,have an excellent sports competition as well.
I will cite a single example of my university.Commonly, there is not enough support for students' sport activities. And I remember when I was a freshman and so excited about the first campus sports competition that I took part in two events including 100-mile race and high jump.To my disappointment, on account of lacking in space,they decided to change the place of race from campus into a stadium.It is very far from the campus. So, I had to spent 2 hours returning to campus from stadium to take part in high jump. Without a doubt, I put up a poor show for exhaustion.What's more, My best friends Rachel and her classmates, those who took part in relay race, had a car accident on the way back campus.Because they were so rushed.I strongly believe that if only the university had supplied enough money for sport activities, we could devote all the energies to the competition instead of the staffs unrelated.
In the libraries, oppositely, many studying room have been empty, only if there will be some exams soon. Can you imagine the quality of our libraries is four times than the gyms? It is actually a waste of resource? Thus, there is no denying that giving more money to university libraries is an unreasonable choice. First of all, more libraries is an misleading illusion that the only object for students in university is to have a deeper knowledge of their major. As it is well known that for the future career, one should to be a person with both knowledge and energy, which mostly depends on the sport activities and exercise he/her does. Moreover, with less money support, students' enthusiasm for sport activities have turned sour, which brings the campus a spiritless and lifeless ambience.
In the libraries, oppositely, many studying room have been empty, only if there will be some exams soon. Can you magine the quality of our libraries is four times than the gyms? It is actually a waste of resource.In my view,giving more money to university libraries is unreasonable.First,too much libraries may mislead students about the object of attending university.As if it is to make progress only in studying. As it is well known that for the future career, one should to be a person with not only knowledge but also health and vitality.Moreover, with less money support, students' enthusiasm for sport activities have turned sour, which makes the campus spiritless and lifeless.
From what I have mentioned, we can definitely get a better option: universities should give the same amount of money to their students’ sports activities as they give to their university libraries. Why not? Not only can we have a exciting and convenient life in campus, but also realize the spirit of teamwork and cooperation from the sport activities. I believe it is as significant as the academic knowledge. Additionally, the university can collect proper expense for the use of gyms or other sport facilities, which is much more beneficial than the income from the libraries. Furthermore, the atmosphere of campus will become more and more active and dynamic, and it is a excellent stimulation or impetus to cultivate the emotion of loving school. To sum up, there will be an army of advantages to improve the advancing of the sport activities. So why can not the sport activities get the same amount of money?
From what I have mentioned, we can definitely get a better choice: universities should give the same amount of money to their students’ sports activities and libraries. Not only can we have a exciting and convenient life in campus, but also realize the spirit of teamwork and cooperation from the sport activities.Additionally, the university can collect proper expense for the use of gyms or other sport facilities. And it is much more beneficial than the income from the libraries. Furthermore, the atmosphere of campus will become more and more active and dynamic, which is a excellent impetus to cultivate the emotion of loving school. To sum up, there will be an army of advantages to improve the advancing of the sport activities. So why can not the sport activities get the same amount of money?

lightgUID: 2620543

整篇的~谢谢LZ了~
Nowadays,faced with the problem with the distribution of fund, quite a few universities prefer to give more money to libraries rather than students' sport activities. But other universities conceive differently.However, as a undergraduate, I insist they should give the same amount of money to students’ sports activities.

I will cite a single example of my university.Commonly, there is not enough support for students' sport activities. And I remember when I was a freshman and so excited about the first campus sports competition that I took part in two events including 100-mile race and high jump.To my disappointment, on account of lacking in space,they decided to change the place of race from campus into a stadium.It is very far from the campus. So, I had to spent 2 hours returning to campus from stadium to take part in high jump. Without a doubt, I put up a poor show for exhaustion.What's more, My best friends Rachel and her classmates, those who took part in relay race, had a car accident on the way back campus.Because they were so rushed.I strongly believe that if only the university had supplied enough money for sport activities, we could devote all the energies to the competition instead of the staffs unrelated.

In the libraries, oppositely, many studying room have been empty, only if there will be some exams soon. Can you imagine the quality of our libraries is four times than the gyms? It is actually a waste of resource.In my view,giving more money to university libraries is unreasonable.First,too much libraries may mislead students about the object of attending university.As if it is to make progress only in studying. As it is well known that for the future career, one should to be a person with not only knowledge but also health and vitality.Moreover, with less money support, students' enthusiasm for sport activities have turned sour, which makes the campus spiritless and lifeless.

From what I have mentioned, we can definitely get a better choice: universities should give the same amount of money to students’ sports activities and libraries. Not only can we have a exciting and convenient life in campus, but also realize the spirit of teamwork and cooperation from the sport activities.Additionally, the university can collect proper
expense for the use of gyms or other sport facilities. And it is much more beneficial than the income from the libraries. Furthermore, the atmosphere of campus will become more and more active and dynamic, which is a excellent impetus to cultivate the emotion of loving school. To sum up, there will be an army of advantages to improve the advancing of the sport activities. So why can not the sport activities get the same amount of money?

jstzfishUID: 2542893

再次谢谢楼主！ 136# 腾格里旅狼

fcfyyUID: 2614983

谢谢了，很好的咨询

skyfly000UID: 2347466

强

奔跑蜗牛UID: 2579189

进来看看旅狼童鞋~~

zhtwdUID: 2319724

我就喜欢这种短期突破的方式^^

wibbonUID: 2466089

Thx!
LZ厉害！

daney68UID: 2582640

第一次写作文，麻烦赐教啊

Do you agree or disagree? Playing computer games is wasting time; children should not be allowed to play them.

Nowadays,as techlonigy has further has developed, computer games have become popular in children's life. some people believe that playing computer game is wasting time, I would defenitly support the statement.Not only for that, but just for that the computer games affect severely ill effect of children's study habits as well as physically and mentally.

there might be a threat of computer games to children in their study life. They are not aware that video games are such time consuming and wasting their valuable time which they should devote on studies.Because of being glued to computer for several hours a day, they would neglect or even generate boredom with their homework.Some children who are addicited to computer games to some extent waste the whole holidays that had been planed to go on a trip with the family or do a part-time job .similar to drugs and acohol, once being addicted to computer games ,it is not easy to get out of the habit for children by themseleve,that would nutually destory their bright future.

Bsides, playing computer games for long hours without exercise do harm to physical fitness of children together with mental health.For example,children would be prone to eye strains as result of being affacted with ray coming out of computer screen,they aslo affected with headaches and back injured.

comparing to effects for physical health, the computer games with violence and wars have negative metal effects on children's whole life. They play the games then imitate the violent behaviors and obscene words which embedded into their minds.As a result, they lose their good manner and be rude to the elders ,as well as that their behaviors have gone from bad to worse.

While the computer games could build problems sloving skills and quick thinking, there could bring more negative effects than the positive ones for the future generation. Immediately should parents intervene to save children from being addicted to the computer games.

jstzfishUID: 2542893

楼主，本人第二篇，希望赐教，谢谢


That people should work together to accomplish their common goal and should always promote the ability to cooperate with each other seems to be a propensity inherent in human nature . During the long evolution history of human , there are countless illustrative cases . In the modern world , this particular capability on the part of mankind has played a more spectacular role in every field in the world .

Long time ago , people cultivated vegetables and livestocks for their own family or their small groups . They could live a passable even well-to-do life through the effort of a little portion of them.Cooperation seems not as significant as present times . Individualism played a leading role in their prosperities . However , with the fast pace of the civilization , stimulated by the thirst for knowledge from within and challenged by the harshness of the environment from without , man has evolved triumphantly from the most primitive to the most advanced and sophisticated .

Considerable though the number of heroes or scientists are , most of the success and wonders call for the large-scale teamwork . Due to the reasonable contribution of thousands of experts and scholars from 6 different countries , the secrets and mysteries of human genome were successfully unveiled ultimately within not so long a time . Similarly , the blamed terrorism has been fiercely attacked by the contribution offered by several countries around the globe . Consequently we can safely conclude that it is precisely the inevitable demand of the times that people should emphasis  the unshakable role collaboration plays .


When it comes to the study of recent years . We can not highlight the important of cooperation too much . Significant though the role that a teacher plays in classes is , the lecture-dominated classes have been throughly transformed into discussion-dominated classes . Since knowledge has become more and more complex , detailed , and abstract , not a single person could gasp it all by his/her own , By participating in a discussion group , student can share their minds with each other , and easily find out the gist point and pay factors to the obscure difficulties then finally work them out . As a result , the efficiency of study would be promoted to a certain extent .

However , people in the past might not cooperate so conveniently in group-study , since there were no computers , no advanced means of teaching , no Internet . Meanwhile , the learning materials might not be as abstruse as they are today , thus there seems less need of teamwork during those years .

An ancient Chinese saying that " Unity is strength." is quite illustrative . As globalization continues to shrink the world , the ability of cooperate constitutes the very force in today`s world . We can safely conclude that collaboration is playing an more significant part in recent times than any other stages in the past course of human history .

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

回复lightg：由于我已经对你同一篇文章做过点评了，所以对这篇文章我就少说一些，呵呵。
你的例子举的已经很好了，但是还是有一些概括不是很清晰，最好能够用几句话点名一下中心，段落的中心。虽然婉转的说出来效果是很好，但是考虑到托福考官的工作量，还是点名比较好。
你的例子写的非常棒，但是修改以后的文章却又少了不少说理，比起第一篇文章来，例子好了很多，但是说理少了不少，你还是没能在例子和说理之间找到一种平衡。当然，这种平衡不是很容易，但是一旦你找到，你的作文不想得高分都难。呵呵

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

回复：daney68：如果你以后还要发文章的话请允许我给你提两点建议：1，字小一些；2，请分一下段落。谢谢。
你的文章有很明显的模版痕迹，这类文章不会的太高的分数，当然，只要你套用的好，分数也不会太低。我不知到你希望的分数是多少，但是如果希望过100的话，就要开始摆脱对模版的依赖。如果你一时半会没有头绪，可以先尝试的读一些范文，然后从中总结模版。这样效果会比你现在套用这些大众末班效果好很多。另外，你的文章太泛，全是说理，没有例子，虽然例子是配合说理，但这并不能说明它不重要，正相反，一个好例子的作用可能掩盖掉很多你文章的瑕疵。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

回复：奔跑蜗牛(就是很无赖)：谢谢谢谢，又一个斑竹大人光临，哈哈，这段时间阿泰不怎么来了。