dark组 gjw第二次作文作业

gjwUID: 2512308

30min记时作文 狠批！

It's the common sense that not just one factor or element could bring us success.Although a myriad of people favor that taking risks or chances often give us a great possibility to obtain a overwhelming success,I cannot agree with them totally.Because people tend to admire a quick success but ignore the careful planning before the action.Sometimes,this may leave us a misunderstanding about what really stimulate our career to success.

To begin with,quick decision often lead to quick failure.It's not a hard thing to make a dicision,and indeed,people make arbitrary decision all the time.If we go to the Wall Street and have a clear observation,it is easy to find that most of people who are buying shares of a company in the stock market seldom have time to think about whether those are worthy to buy or not.Owing to this phenomenon,we can clearly explain why so many people are bankrupted in the recently years,especially during the economic crisis.On the contrary,for Buffet,who once was the most wealthy person in the world,his belief is that never to buy a share before deeply researching.Furthermore,in the worsening global stock market,he is still making great fortune and hardly be affected.Therefore we should learn from his stratige that careful planning of everything is the source of success.

Additional,careful planning is the prerequisite of success.We often appreciate some person who are making decisin in time so that they achieve a great success.Thus,we may neglect the preparaion they have done before.Take Bill Gates for example.There's no doubt about his great talent of computer science and what attracts us more is his experience that he is so bald to quit the famous university-Havard.However,we may ommit the fact that before Bill made the disision he has annalyze the market of the softwares,and after he sold his first program,he was finally determined to open the company-Microsoft.Thereby,we should not emphyzize too much about taking risks or chances,but to believe that careful planning can contribut to success.

To sum up,juding the examples and demonstrations above ,we may safely draw a conclusion that what mke us succeed are careful planning.Moreover,we should avoid the meaningless resks in our daily jobs.

[ 本帖最后由 gjw 于 2008-12-4 21:48 编辑 ]

aphasiafifiUID: 2475704

It's the a common sense that not just one factor or element could bring us success. Although a myriad(不太清楚这个能不能指人多？) of people favor that taking risks or chances often give us a great possibilities to obtain a overwhelming success,（特别要注意主谓一致） I cannot agree with them totally. Because people tend to admire a quick success but ignore the careful planning before the action. Sometimes, this may leave us a misunderstanding about what really stimulate our career to success.（stimulate career？你中文也不这么说吧……建议改成what are the true motivations of success）

To begin with, quick decision often leads to quick failure. It's（写作文本中尽量少用缩略，会给人不正式的感觉，应写成it is）not a hard thing to make a dicision/decisions, and(此处最好另起一句) indeed, people make arbitrary decisions all the time. If we go to the Wall Street and have a clear observation, it is easy to find that most of people(很多人好像都喜欢么用，说most people就好啦) who are buying shares of a company in the stock market seldom have time to think about whether those are worthy to buy or not. Owing to this phenomenon, we can clearly explain why so many people are bankrupted in the recently years, especially during the economic crisis. （奇怪的逻辑。第一，买卖股票也不算是个小事，能arbitrary么？而且他们还是在华尔街混的……你要说中国股民盲目跟风倒是有些道理。例证用在这里不恰当。其次，如果他们审慎思考，就能避免bankrupt么？仔细想想就会发现不对劲了）On the contrary, for Buffet, who once was the most wealthy person in the world, his belief is that never to buy a share before deeply researching. （这个只能说他运营得道，策略周全，与前面构不成反面关系）Furthermore, in the worsening global stock market, he is still making great fortune and hardly be affected. Therefore we should learn from his stratige strategy that careful planning of everything (有点redundant) is the source of success.

Additional(additional是形容词，要用In addition), careful planning is the prerequisite of success. We often appreciate some person people who are making make decisin decision（拼错很多遍哦）in time so that they achieve a great successes (those people whose quick decision leading their great achievement是不是顺一点？). Thus, we may neglect the preparation preparation/effort  they have done/made before. Take Bill Gates for example. There's no doubt about his great talent of computer science and what attracts us more is his experience that he is so bald(这个词是“秃子”的意思……彻底被雷了。你是不是想说bold? 但是如果我没记错的话bold一般是指鲁莽之勇，用brave就好了) to quit the famous university-Havard /Harvard University. However, we may ommit/omit ignore the fact that before Bill made the disision he has/had analyze the market of the softwares (software) , and after he sold his first program, he was finally determined to open the company-Microsoft. (‘-’不要乱用；另外突然转成thereby读者会觉得你话没说完)Thereby, we should not emphyzize/emphasize too much about taking risks or chances, but to believe that careful planning can contribute/contribute to success.

To sum up, juding/judging the examples and demonstrations above, we(文章开头还是I, 到这里变成we了) may safely draw a conclusion that what mke（make） us succeed are/is careful planning. Moreover, we should avoid the meaningless resks/ risks in our daily jobs.(感觉像是引入一个新话题，因为meaningless risks在上文没有提及)

1.       下次交作业前建议用word修改拼写，另外记标点符号是空格空在后面的。我一贴过来好多小红线线……
2.       最好好好看看a/the的用法，用的有点随意。要注意主谓一致。
3.       例子的选择要慎重，看看是否能切题。段落的分工还不够明确，说来说去感觉在说一件事。如果你想从正反两个方面证明详尽的决策可以帮助人们成功，就不要在第一段儿例证的时候又on the contrary，直接在第二段举反例即可
4.       避免结尾段跑题

aesrevoylfUID: 2442700

It's the common sense that not just one factor or element could bring us success. Although a myriad of people（a majority of people）favor that taking risks or chances often give us a great possibility to obtain a（an） overwhelming success, I cannot agree with them totally. Because people always tend to admire a quick success but ignore the careful planning before the action. Sometimes, this may leave us a misunderstanding about what really the stimulate that lead our career to success is.

To begin with, quick decisions often lead to quick failure. It's not a hard thing to make a dicision, and indeed, people make arbitrary decision all the time. If we go to the Wall Street and have a clear observation, it is easy to find that most of people who are buying shares of a company in the stock market seldom have time to think about whether those are worthy to buy or not. Owing to this phenomenon, we can clearly explain why so many people are bankrupted in recent years, especially during the economic crisis. On the contrary, for Buffet, who once was the most wealthy( wealthiest ) person in the world, his belief is that never to buy a share before deeply researching. Furthermore, in the worsening global stock market, he is still making great fortune and hardly be affected. Therefore we should learn from his stratige (strategy) that careful planning of everything is the source of success.

Additionally, careful planning is the prerequisite of success. We often appreciate some persons who are making decisin (decision) in time so that they achieve a great success. Thus, we may neglect the preparaion (preparation) they have done before. Take Bill Gates for example. There's no doubt about his great talent of computer science and what attracts us more is his experience that he is so bald to quit the famous university-Havard (Havard University). However, we may ommit the fact that before Bill made the disision he has annalyze (analyzed) the market of the softwares, and after he sold his first program, he had finally determined to open the company-Microsoft. Thereby, we should not emphyzize too much about taking risks or chances, but to believe that careful planning can contribut (contribute) to success.

To sum up, juding the examples and demonstrations above, we may safely draw a conclusion that what mkes us succeed is careful planning. Moreover, we should avoid the meaningless resks (risks) in our daily jobs.;

楼主已改的很彻底，很好，基本同意楼上观点。
需要在word中，先处理后再贴上来。标点后是空格。
正文主题句
To begin with, quick decisions often lead to quick failure.
Additionally, careful planning is the prerequisite of success.
感觉这两段好像从反面和正面来说，同样一件事，即成功需要careful planning。
而开头段则没有没有明确提出careful planning。本文题目应值得仔细研究，到底怎样
写会符合ETS口味，得到高分。

以下是个人写作思路，仅供参考，欢迎批评指正：

先明确主旨立场，同意成功来源于仔细的计划。

展开：对人生及各种工作，仔细的计划，即确立明确的目标及认真的对目标采取的行动，都是成功所必须的。
论证：首先计划好的，明确的目标是成功所必需的。
         其次，围绕目标扎实，有效率的行动也是必不可少的。
结尾：对于人生和各种工作进行认真计划，是成功所必须的。在此过程中，会有源源不断的  
         机会，冲你而来，所以计划对于成功是必需和必然的，而机遇则是偶然的。