请很拍

aphasiafifiUID: 2475704

不知道精进了点没有。写的时候感觉逻辑有点混乱，但是一时想不出更好的结构了。请指正。顺便帮我看看这样的文章能得多少分？

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Getting advice from older friends is more valuable than getting advice from friends at your age（07.8.17）

One merit of friends is they can give us useful advices. By listening to their advices, we can get insightful suggests which help us avoid a lot of troubles. Some people prefer advices from older friends while others think advices from their own age are more suitable for themselves. For my perspective, I think advices form older friends will be more helpful.

    One important advantage I want to demonstrate is that older friends have more experiences than people from the same age. Thus, when facing the same issue, older friends tend to make more deliberate suggestions. For instance, for the same question about planning the future after graduation, people older than us always suggest us to consider financial requirement before personal interest, while friends from our age always provide their opinion by saying "do whatever you interested in". The truth is, since someone becoming independent, interest cannot satisfied all his need. If many people had consulted their older friends' suggestion, they would not regret about their former decision which do not consider financial needs at first stage. Hence we can see that older friend's suggestion are normally one step further, because they based on their own experience , which will reduce the possibility of getting trouble.

    In addition, advices from older are more reliable because they know the world better than we do. When young people dealing with things, they always rely on their intuition or passion, which has been proved that for the most of the time they are not good enough. When we have some conflict with someone else, friends from the same age will make suggestion like "ignoring him" or "cursing him", while people from older age will suggest us to be patient and trying to get along well with the person, because they know it profoundly that maybe in the future there might have some case we need to ask help from the person we once have conflict. Things like these are common in people’s life which people identify them as “social principle”. Friends from older age are already involving in the society who knows these rules better than we do. Suggestions from them are based on their perspective toward society, which will help us be more success in involving in the society.

In general, I believe more suggestions should be consulted from older friends, because they have more social experience and more sophisticated than people have the same age with us.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

One merit of friends is that they can give us useful advices. By listening to their advices, we can get insightful suggestions which help us avoid a lot of troubles. Some people prefer advices from older friends while others think advices from friends of their own age are more suitable for themselves. For my perspective, I think advices form older friends will be more helpful. (The question is asking whether you AGREE with a statement, so you should answer that question by saying you agree with the statement. It's important to state your point AND answer the question.)

One important advantage I want to demonstrate is that older friends have more experiences than people from of the same age (Here you'are assuming the 'same' age means a younger age, which is not necessarily true, because you didn't establish what to 'same' with. You have to qualify your statement carefully - see how the question qualifies this by using 'friends at YOUR age'.). Thus, when facing the same issue, older friends tend to make more deliberate suggestions. For instance, for the same question about planning for the future after graduation, people older than us always suggest us to consider financial requirements before personal interests (Definitely not true.), while friends from of our age always provide their opinions by saying "do whatever you are interested in" (Definitely not true either. You're being too narrow on your statements with 'always'.). The truth is, since someone is becoming financially? independent (This 'since' is ambiguous - it could either mean 'because' or 'from the point of time that...'.), interests cannot satisfy all his needs. If many people had consulted their older friends' suggestion (You 'consult' a person but 'consult for' an opinion.), they would not have regreted about their former decision which does not consider financial needs at first stage. Hence we can see that older friend's suggestions are normally one step further, because they are based on their own experience , which will reduce the possibility of getting into troubles. (You're being very vague about what the 'troubles' you keep mentioning about really are in this example. I can guess that you mean 'financial difficulties', but don't make your examiners do the guessing because they won't.)

In addition, advices from older friends are more reliable because they know the world better than we do (Sounds like the same point as your first.). When young people dealing with things, they always rely on their intuition or passion, which has been proved that for the most of the time they are not good enough. When we have some conflicts with someone else, friends from of the same age will make suggestions like "ignore him" or "curse him", while people from of older age will suggest us to be patient and trying to get along well with the person, because they know it profoundly that maybe in the future there might have be some cases in which we need to ask for help from the person we once had conflicts with.(Very long and wordy. A simple 'they know that in the future we may need to seek help from the person we once had conflicts with' will do. Use direct verb sentences instead of 'there be'.) Things like these are common in people’s lives which and (If you use 'which', you're referring to 'lives', not 'things'.) people identify them as “social principles”. Friends from of older age are already involved in the society who and (Again, if you use 'who', it has to follow the entity - friends - it's referring to.  Adjective clauses shouldn't be too far away from the subject.) knows these rules better than we do. Suggestions from them are based on their perspectives toward society, which will help us to be more successful in involving in the society. (This point is dangeriously similar to your first point because both of them mention decisions that will affect 'future' dealings and you didnt' make a very obvious effort to differentiate the two.)

In general, I believe more suggestions should be consulted sought from older friends, because they have more social experience and are more sophisticated than people have of the same age with us. (The keyword in the question is 'valuable' advices, not 'amount' of advices. Therefore your 'more suggestions' really doesn't answer any part of the question. This is what I mean when I say you should keep asking yourself 'Which part of the question did I answer with that point'.)

总结：

语法上请注意词汇的用法尚有少许不地道之处，还有单复数和介词的使用。论述上主要是论点之间的区别不是很明显，另外开头结尾的写法请小心，要注意你必须正面回答问题问的东西，不要打疑似擦边球。

感觉比前两次的要好很多，如果俺给分的话可能3.5/5吧，不过俺的要求一向比较严格，看看就好，作不得数。

[ 本帖最后由 mpromanus 于 2008-12-16 18:27 编辑 ]

aphasiafifiUID: 2475704

非常感谢 俺写着写着就写一起去了…………辛苦您了

aphasiafifiUID: 2475704

再问：您有没有好的办法写这篇文章？我仔细想了想是不是写一边倒的太困难了？因为很难找到非常distinct的两点
您看我是不是把文章结构改成这样会好一些？
1.both are valuable
2.peers will understand our situation more thoroughly because no generation gap between us. their ideas are more innovative. older friends' opinion tend to be more conservative.
3.older friends are more sophisticated, they will consider the overall situation from diffrerent aspect. esp they have more experience and know the society better than we do. So consult them would be more reliable because we can avoid unnecessary troubles. 然后再加上我第二段儿的例子
4.adivice from both side are valube. As long as the advice is useful, it can be considered as a valuable advice.

eadscarmenUID: 2341533

nice revising

mpromanusUID: 2565872

4楼：最主要的问题还是你依然没有正面回答作文题目：你到底是agree还是disagree那句话呢？你可以选择agree然后用论据支持题目里那句话，或者选择disagree然后用论据反驳题目里那句话，但你必须明确地说出你是同意还是不同意。。这个道理俺其实讲过很多次，比如饭店服务员问你 吃米饭还是吃面条？你当然可以说很多你觉得米饭比面条好的理由，但最后你总得告诉人家你吃啥吧？作文道理一样，题目问你是A还是B，你就回答A，或者B，而不是说了一堆A>B之后还让人不知道你到底选择A还是B。。

关于一边倒：其实这个问题问得已经有骑墙空间了，因为题目是MORE valuable。。潜台词就是 你可以说B很valuable或者A和B都很valuable, 但你的*论点*应该是：明确指出你是否同意 A>B 这个命题 (不管B有多大或者A有多大)，然后证明之！所以完全不用担心一边倒会有什么问题，反而是你现在准备这个提纲是属于真正骑墙，没有一个明确的定位，1的论点是A也许=B，2证明的是A<B, 3证明的是A>B, 4的结论是A也许=B。。如果把1改成 你不同意 A绝对>B，因为你觉得A可能<B也可能=B也可能>B，那后面你这么写就比较完美了 - 其实很简单，就是前面需要有不同意的字样，然后fully qualify你的论点，然后按照fully qualified后的论点展开，最后呼应一下开头。。说到底很多文章的问题其实不是论据论证的问题，而是论点没有划好界限，论点本身不够明确就会给文章留下被人反驳或者自己写着写着偏掉的空间，所以俺一直强调审题，题目的潜台词本身会给你的论点设好一定的界限。。