今天写的作文,大家帮帮挑挑问题

brenfanUID: 2584282

写得不大满意,总觉得例子写得太多了,分析太少了.大家觉得怎么样?第一次发作文上来.希望GGJJ们能帮帮忙.小妹再次无限感激~

1 Q+ H, ^; D. y+ q5 fThink carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.
: C# h% Y7 C- T( L

The people we call heroes do not usually start out as unusual. Often they are ordinary people subject to ordinary human weakness ---- fear, doubt, and self-interest. In fact, they live ordinary lives until they distinguish themselves by having to deal with an injustice or a difficult situation. Only then, when they must respond in thought and in action to an extraordinary challenge, do people begin to know their strengths and weaknesses.

Assignment: Do people learn who they are only when they are forced into action? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

* t) h' ]! B" C7 e5 T( fEveryone has the hidden potential. We couldn’t notice it until something happens to call for it. I do believe that people lean who they are and what their strengths and weaknesses are only when they’re forced into action.
* E$ ~: j0 e9 w2 G! \' S. l+ Q
0 c. [* |* [2 N: {# Z8 {, d; zPersonally, I have had such experiences. I’ve always been afraid of insects. Their hairy and numerous legs never fail to remind me of something nasty. Ever since I was young, I played yards away from bushes, trees, or anywhere bug may scuttle from to scare me. I’ve never thought that I can cope with insect, even small ones, all by myself and the chance only became slimmer when I was accidently bitten by a bee years ago. Yet, during my one week of military training, I amazingly found out that all I need to conquer my fear of insects is to face them all by myself.

It was summer. Our one-week long military training took place in a suburb where cockroaches, lady bugs and even rats were visible everywhere. Once night, when I dragged my strengthless body from one day’s hard training, I surprisingly found that my dorm was empty. Apparently, none of my roommates had the luck to be dismissed as early as I was. Climbing to the top bunk, as I was going to throw myself on the bed, I took notice, to my horror, a black spider resting itself on my pillow. Instinctlly, I jumped feet away to wearily check if the spider was poisonous and if it had noticed me. Fortunately, it lied still, motionlessly. Sitting as far as I could from the bunk, I waited anxiously for one of my roommates to come back, yet, neither of them showed up ten minutes later. With the spider having no intention to give my pillow back, I decided to move the hideous insect away. Trying not to shake too heavily, I carefully lifted up my pillow and walked towards the window. I could feel my hands sweating and y heart thumping like a butterfly. I tilted the pillow but the spider refused to leave. With no better choice, I grabbed a pen from my desk and pushed if off its resting. Dropping both the pen and the pillow, I screamed, knowing that I successfully conquered the fear for the very first time.
Later, I asked myself if I was really scared of insects or my fear only bases on the fact that I’ve never given myself the chance to get close to them. Only when I’m forced into action can I really know my potential. After that, before I rejected to do anything that may churn my stomach, I thought about the spider and push my to face my fear and every time, I get to know my strengths better.
+ k7 E+ j0 Y" T& @

25分钟整,没有时间重新检查.461个字.任何建议都会虚心接受.谢谢大家~~~:loveliness:

东北女孩UID: 2544285

太强了！！！

topgoerUID: 2563731

I agree to a great extent that we will only work to our full potential only when we are forced to do things with no choice. I believe that every person by nature will choose to be lazy whenever there is a chance. The only times that we can beat this laziness and really get things done is when we are forced into completing tasks before the deadline. It is only when we are fully occupied with meaningful tasks at hand and left with no choice but to complete them that we will put forth our best efforts in getting things done.
* ^# t  ~$ ?- ]9 J; m
For example in school, I have realized that the truly outstanding students are those who fully occupy themselves with all the possible courses they can take. They force themselves into taking up more courses than normal students will choose and do things with their fullest calibre. A classmate of mine is constantly joining oversea conventions and leadership summits that he can miss up to two weeks of normal curriculum time and still do extremely well when he comes back for tests. From him we learn that he is always in action and occupied with all the tasks that he need to complete on time. It is only when we are forced into constant action then we can beat the natural laziness in us. Therefore, students learn how to perform well only when they are forced into constant action and have regular projects and deadline to meet.

/ j! w5 d% Z9 T  g$ ZOnce beaten, twice shine. Only when we get beaten by our weakness then we learn to do things right. For my personal experience in Go (a board game), I have learnt and improved by losing to my weakness, my lack of confidence, fear and doubt of myself. When I lost a game by my own blunder and became doubtful of myself, I learned from the mistake and tried to be more confident in the future. It is only when important once-in-a-lifetime competition comes then I will try to learn from past mistakes and put my full effort into practicing.

Therefore, people do need to face adversity and be pushed into action to produce results. If we live in a world with no deadlines, no competition, no enemy, we will never progress and things can never be done.
9 V4 F3 Y) I# q3 X6 G" E
: C0 r" l2 n% V" n& F6 s8 N# N( W今天用你的题目我也试着写了一下，385字，23分钟写完。你只多用了2分钟就多写了70多字，还是你厉害！
' A4 @! }) c7 K' U
' E6 M7 x( P0 ^  h; g' D  J[ 本帖最后由 topgoer 于 2009-1-10 22:29 编辑 ]

brenfanUID: 2584282

不敢当,不敢当,只是题目比较和我的心意而已.其实觉得留出几分钟时间还是好的,检查一下避免错误啊.所以我也在缩短文章.
; F' v  ]) F6 V, i( E$ w细读了楼上的文章,写得很棒呢.有一点哦:Only when we get beaten by our weakness then we learn to do things right.是不是应该倒装成Only when we get beaten by our weakness can we learn to do things right?

深海lavenderUID: 2350207

除了一些小的语法拼写错误外,写的很不错.
倒数第二段结尾仓促了些,应该多用些笔墨描绘你当时心里的感受和变化,会有更强的表现力.
总体来说比较有感觉,11分我觉得应该有了.
继续努力~加油:)

深海lavenderUID: 2350207

4楼说的句子是对的.
你的语法问题比较多一点,下次注意一下.长句子太多了,适当的用一些简洁的短句会增加文章表现力,可读性更强.
# V2 d5 h1 x) L; \* _就内容结构上来说,例子多了,2个例子都没有展开写,这样效果并不好.建议FOCUS ON一个例子,像LZ那样深入细致的描写.另外第二个例子在描述的时候感觉稍稍有些偏题.
( Y& Z0 d! i' s- h5 R6 H8 b描写尽量多一些,这篇ESSAY明显短了些.缺乏描述性语言会使文章显得比较苍白.
. ?9 _9 H9 O' q& L1 ?我给的话...大概8分吧.
4 \0 P4 m- w1 [5 U5 W3 w不过不要灰心哦~找到方向继续努力,会越来越好的.加油.:)

topgoerUID: 2563731

Thanks for your comments and help.
9 Z+ X2 @) T8 N2 E  d2 rHere is my feelings about the essay where the author narrated his fear of spiders. The example though extremely specific and personal, gives no insight on the topic and may seem pretty lame to some. I am afraid that some examiners may mark the essay down as the example is too simple. My two copper.
I always try to write mature examples that offer insights for the topic, but fail to be really detailed. Sometimes I do not get the entire point across due to improper structure and the time constraint.
3 p# }& u' s: A$ X: X( Q, FFor my "Only when we get beaten by our weakness then we learn to do things right", I think this structure is acceptable. Whereas your suggestion,
) O/ ?3 X6 d8 G"Only when we get beaten by our weakness can we learn to do things right?." is a question, which is only grammatically correct if you ask : "Can we learn to do things right only when beaten by our weakness?" This is not what I am trying to say.
' u- Z, N( O9 M- G+ GThanks for your time, suggestions appreciated.

深海lavenderUID: 2350207

呵呵,不用激动,没有否定你的ESSAY.
只是个人意见,从我在XDF上课,自己看范文,以及实际考试经历来说,SAT作文其实并没有多少技术含量,出题者实际上要看的不是考生对这个问题认识有多深刻多深入,而仅仅要求理解这个题目,并且通过深入细致的例子描写把这个表现出来,有对题目的剖析表现和升华当然最理想,所以说LZ的倒数第二段需要着重表现当时的心理感受与变化.这方面少一点,其实在实际打分中,并不会影响太大.而你所说的INSIGHT,如果是以说理为主而没有详细例子表现和支撑,例子有些太泛泛,就会使说理显得空洞,RATER并不清楚你到底对这个理解有多少,因为是需要结合实际详细表现才看得出来的,否则有点纸上谈兵的意味了.而这也是来了美国以后写PAPER的感触,的确需要INSIGHT,但例子更重要.我们历史教授甚至明确说,大家观点都差不多,我给你们打分,看的就是例子.
觉得我说的有道理就试试吧.觉得没道理也可以忽略,呵呵.

topgoerUID: 2563731

真的非常感谢，耐心给我指点了不少，说的也很有道理。

5 Y; N  }  ?8 M, D: Z/ c* o1 {把essay 发到这来本来就是来找批的，何况本来就觉得自己写的并不好，例子总是写的不具体。
! a+ S/ Z9 g! ?. k+ I  p) A, d还真希望大家多多指教。

brenfanUID: 2584282

原帖由 深海lavender 于 2009-1-11 22:25 发表
除了一些小的语法拼写错误外,写的很不错.
倒数第二段结尾仓促了些,应该多用些笔墨描绘你当时心里的感受和变化,会有更强的表现力.
' b9 L9 T; z# d; x# D& h" i, y总体来说比较有感觉,11分我觉得应该有了.
/ W. d. b+ K$ _$ {! r" F3 c继续努力~加油:)

4 ^9 Z- }5 }# Q谢谢版主的点评和支持。我的结尾和分析部分向来是弱项，会加紧练习的~