Argument10 【0906G ANap Hand 作文互改小组】第一次作业 by zju-jenny 请猛拍

jenny11235UID: 2585428

第一次写毫无经验，时间大大超出。。。希望大家多多批评给予指导。
In this argument, the arguer attempted to persuade the Batavia government to control the milk price so that the price could keep relatively low and milk supply would be adequate. Though it sounds consistency in logic at first glance, but careful weighing on the mind, we find some logical flaws

Firstly, although the whole country owns more dairy farms than before, it doesn't mean that local farms in Batavia, as well, keep increasing. The arguer simply believing this situation, the number of farms increasing, applied for Batavia is unconvincing.

Secondly, on the one hand, except for increasing price, farmers in Batavia could gain profits by numerous ways, such as, cost reduction, giving short weight and so on. We cannot deny that controlling the retail price is an efficient way to prevent farmers from getting much profit, but it is possible that by reducing the cost they also could gain excessive profits at the expense of quality decline. On the other hand, price expansion doesn’t equal to the excessive profits to farmers in Batavia because the arguer didn’t give us a standard of “excessive profits”. We have reasons to believe the income of the farmers in Batavia is far lower than the average level of the whole country. If such hypothesis is established, raising the retail price will be a method in which farmers in Batavia improve their lives.

Thirdly, milk supply could be influenced by many factors. According to the economical principle, price having huge effect on the supply and demand, the farmers possibly shifted away from milk to other industries as the government reduces the price. Based on such assumption, we may believe the lower price and ample supply will not co-exist for a long time. Moreover, to convince me that the increasing numbers of farms will inevitably result in milk-supply-increasing, the arguer must exclude other elements which could influence the milk supply. It is possible that so much milk cannot deliver to the market that the actual supply to the consumer will decrease. Thus, the relationship between the increasing farms and increasing supply doesn’t sound persuasive.  

In one word, the recommendation provided by the arguer is not well supported. The arguer must provide the clear statistical evidence that the milk price in Excello reflect the nationwide milk prices and define “excessive profit”. To better assess the suggestion, I need more information on the effect of the proposed regulation.  (用时1小时20分钟)

[ 本帖最后由 jenny11235 于 2008-12-27 18:08 编辑 ]

irvine666UID: 2575525

In this argument, the arguer(用author比较好) attempted to persuade the Batavia government to control the milk price so that the price(短期重复2次可以用it代替) could keep relatively low and milk supply would be adequate. Though it sounds consistency in logic at first glance, but(though…but?或者是by?) careful weighing on the mind, we find some logical flaws(第一段重复作者论述,提出自己的观点,简约而不简单)

Firstly, although the whole country owns more dairy farms than before, it doesn't mean that local farms in Batavia, as well, keep increasing. The arguer simply believing this situation, the number of farms increasing, applied for Batavia is unconvincing.(我认为,argument的前提最好不要反驳,前提说的是,牛奶农场多了25%,你的反驳是:这些牛奶农场不是当地的…而且完全没有说清楚，真的没有什么说服力,我觉得就算反驳也要说:即使牛奶场多了,总产奶量也不一定上升.从而驳斥了后文的supply of milk,反驳一定要抓住最致命地东西来讲)

Secondly, on the one hand, except for increasing price, farmers in Batavia could gain profits by numerous ways, such as, cost reduction, giving short weight and so on. We cannot deny that(终于看到让步了,很不错) controlling the retail price is an efficient way to prevent farmers from getting much profit, but it is possible that by reducing the cost they also could gain excessive profits at the expense of quality decline.(好!论证完以后用一个具体的可能性来证明论证,很赞) On the other hand, price expansion doesn’t equal to the excessive profits to farmers in Batavia because the arguer didn’t give us a standard of “excessive profits”. We have reasons to believe the income of the farmers in Batavia is far lower than the average level of the whole country. If such hypothesis is established, raising the retail price will be a method in which farmers in Batavia improve their lives. (但是总感觉这段不知道在讲什么,好像是直接反驳文章的结论了,即政府调控能让农民获得合适的利润.而且选取的角度也不太对阿)

Thirdly, milk supply could be influenced by many factors. According to the economical principle, price having huge effect on the supply and demand, the farmers possibly shifted away from milk to other industries as the government reduces the price. Based on such assumption, we may believe the lower price and ample supply will not co-exist for a long time. Moreover, to convince me that the increasing numbers of farms will inevitably result in milk-supply-increasing, the arguer must exclude other elements which could influence the milk supply. It is possible that so much milk cannot deliver to the market that the actual supply to the consumer will decrease. Thus, the relationship between the increasing farms and increasing supply doesn’t sound persuasive.  (这段还是在反驳结论,讲的比较细致阿,经济学原理都出来了…学习学习)

In one word, the recommendation provided by the arguer is not well supported. The arguer must provide the clear statistical evidence that the milk price in Excello reflect the nationwide milk prices and define “excessive profit”. To better assess the suggestion, I need more information on the effect of the proposed regulation. (用时1小时20分钟)

总的说来,文章主要驳斥的是argument里面的price问题,花了大量的篇幅来讨论,3,4和结尾段几乎都是围绕这个话题来讲,然而其他的错误几乎没有被发现,这在argu里面是很难拿到高分的,这个应该是对argument的理解问题，建议作者先花一点时间把精华去别人的argument提纲阅读个4，5篇，就会很清楚该如何写了。而且作者在第二段当中驳斥了文章的前提,但是一般而言,前提最好不要驳斥.

由于是第一次接触argument作者能够把其中的一个问题论述的非常清楚,本身就已经说明了作者的能力,此外,在用词方面,作者也有很好的基本功底,实在是值得我学习.


[ 本帖最后由 irvine666 于 2008-12-27 23:43 编辑 ]