argument76【0906G ANap Hand 作文互改小组】第4次作业 by doherty

stupidken2oUID: 2541049

76The following appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine.

"A group of volunteers participated in a study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for a month, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At the end of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin."

提纲：
1.        这部分志愿者的来自群体没有解释，年轻人，中年人，还是老年人，不同群体不同condition
2.        不一定就是L的功效，也有肯能是mild soap的效果
3.        看起来改善不代表事实的改善，反而可能伤害了皮肤组织


From the sentences the writer concludes from the facts that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin. However, after my reviewing of the sentences, I think it’s not persuasive and convincing enough because of the powerless facts and incogitant judgments.

At the threshold, the information of volunteers participated the study is not particular. Such as social status, occupation, economic situation, ethnicity, marital status, sexual orientation and religious affiliation, all of which are the ingredients that may influence the veracity of the study result. For example, the specialty of skin between white people and black people is totally disparate, for that matter, the effect Luxess cream on them may leads to different influences. The writer overlooks the point whose existence really does adversely to the study, and due to his neglect, the experiment becomes incredible and unconvincing.

Even assuming that the volunteers are typical, it’s imprudent and thoughtless to make the conclusion that the marked improvement is caused by the Luxess face cream. The mild soap volunteers used before the cream must be taken into consideration, either the diet they have, and the work and rest of them during the study. All these incidents may be the causation of the marked improvement in the way volunteers’ skin looked and felt. So, it’s fallacious to make the conclusion until the writer considers the facts roundly.

Furthermore, the marked improvement in the way skin looked and felt may be the mirage of the melioration of skin condition. That is to say, it’s not optimistic and delightful as it seems. As far as I know, makeup like face cream has chemical substances which have ambiguous effect on skin. Maybe the chemical substances Luxess face cream has have done harm to the organization of skin, but for the reason of nutrition absorbed from the cream, the reflection has not come out. And if you stop to use the face cream, the negative influences might appear immediately.

To sum up, the judgment writer made is unpersuasive as it stands for lacking of all-round consideration. In order to make the conclusion more cogent and persuasive, I think, the writer has to furnish detailed background information of volunteers and do more surveys of the cream to support his judgment.

[ 本帖最后由 stupidken2o 于 2009-1-2 18:18 编辑 ]

gardenlaUID: 2584945

顶个先

stupidken2oUID: 2541049

konglo

[ 本帖最后由 stupidken2o 于 2009-1-4 00:30 编辑 ]

irvine666UID: 2575525

红色代表有错误的，紫色代表提议，紫色中的红色代表强调，蓝色代表优点。老规矩了，以后不再说明。

From the sentences the writer concludes from the facts that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin. However, after my reviewing of the sentences, I think it’s（it 指代的是什么？貌似是sentences吧,应该用复数形式） not persuasive and convincing enough because of the powerless facts and incogitant judgments.

At the threshold, the information of volunteers participated the study is not particular. Such as social status, occupation, economic situation, ethnicity, marital status, sexual orientation and religious affiliation（不错啊能写这么多可能性出来，值得学习，不过在我看来，economic situation 和 occupation, religious affiation和面霜美容没有很多的关系吧？写在这里有点画蛇添足的感觉了，而且其他的可能性都是公认的，如果你一定要加上这3个可能性作为你的创新，那就在后面举例详细说明。总之，如果是公认的可能性，没有必要一定详细说明，但是如果是你自己的理论创新，那就一定要细说）, all of which are the ingredients that may influence the veracity of the study result. For example, the specialty of skin between white people and black people is totally disparate, for that matter, the effect Luxess cream on them may leads to different influences（直接说differences就好了，这种说法太中文化）. The writer overlooks the point（前面提到这么多可能性，应该是points吧） whose existence really does adversely to the study, and due to his neglect, the experiment（这个是survey/investigation/inquiry） becomes incredible and unconvincing.

Even assuming that the volunteers are typical, it’s imprudent and thoughtless to make the conclusion that the marked improvement is caused by the Luxess face cream. The mild soap volunteers used before the cream must be taken into consideration, either the diet they have, and（either...or..） the work and rest of them during the study(其实个人感觉你这2个可能性都和调查关系不大，毕竟有most of them都觉得有改善了，工作休息和饮食毕竟是个体的差异，很难说清楚而且即使说清楚了，说服力也不强。要说就最好抓住大众的差异来讲，才更有说服力). All these incidents may be the causation of the marked improvement in the way volunteers’ skin looked and felt. So, it’s fallacious to make the conclusion until the writer considers the facts roundly.

Furthermore, the marked improvement in the way skin looked and felt may be the mirage of the melioration of skin（这个是用了暗喻吧） condition. That is to say, it’s not optimistic and delightful as it seems. As far as I know, makeup like face cream has chemical substances which have ambiguous（ambiguous主要还是用在形容逻辑性上，这里用double-edged比较好） effect on skin. Maybe the chemical substances Luxess face cream has have done harm to the organization of skin, but for the reason of nutrition absorbed from the cream, the reflection has not come out. And if you stop to use （stop to do 和 stop doing的区别啊，哥们）the face cream, the negative influences might appear immediately.

To sum up, the judgment writer made is unpersuasive as it stands for lacking of all-round consideration. In order to make the conclusion more cogent and persuasive, I think, the writer has to furnish detailed background information of volunteers and do more surveys of the cream to support his judgment.

总的说来，文章的逻辑性还是很强的，除开一些用词重复过多和小语法错误以外，本文算是一篇严密的argument，当然本题只涉及一个survey和一个conclusion使得题目比较简单，更加容易论证严密，简单的层层让步就可以做到。
继续努力！

stupidken2oUID: 2541049

谢谢Irivine了，我现在正到处掘金。。。但是有时候就会把语法忽视了