argu197slipping

sherman1988UID: 2568729

197. The following appeared as part of a recommendation made by a faculty member to the president of a large university.


"Never once in our 150-year history as a university have we clarified our objectives. How, then, can we hope to adapt as an institution to the new challenges facing higher education. As a first step in this evolutionary process, therefore, we should send out questionnaires asking faculty members why they teach, asking students what they want from this university, and asking former students what they gained from their own education here. When the replies come in, we can tabulate them and formulate an official statement of our educational mission. This will surely result in improved programs at our university
In this recommendation, the faculty（貌似新东方老师说了用arguer writer author之类的，用faculty感觉不好） asserts that we can surely improve programs at our university if only we can clarify our objectives so that the university is able to adapt as an institution to the new challenges facing higher education. To bolster this recommendation, the faculty suggests to send out questionnaires asking faculty members why teach, asking students what they want from this university and the former students what they have gained during their college education. And then tabulating them and obtaining our educational mission.（好像该用一般式吧） Although at first glance the suggestions seem reasonable, further scrutiny of each of the suggestions, however, it renders the suggestions unconvincing as it stands.语感不大对，可能是缺乏主语吧，北美范文的语句不该照搬的，however前后搭配不当。
第一段略显啰嗦，新东方老师上课讲的是简要复述论据。而且尾句很空，北美范文尾句都很空
First of all, the faculty fails to provide the reasonable information of the respondents.（我会写成prove the respondents are
representative） We have good reasons（貌似不地道） to doubt if the sample is ?enough to reflect the general opinions. If the questionnaires are given only a small portion (这句话不大顺)of the faculty and the students as well as the former students, it is impossible to come to the conclusion, for we cannot pinpoint a worldwide（？） theory based on only a specific group. In addition, there is no evidence that the faculty and students come from variety of majors, but as all we know, it is clear that different fields and different opinions of what they want to. In short, the sample of research is unwarranted.第一处fallacy 论证力度不够，第二处用处不是很大吧
倒数第二句该改成it is clear that students in different fields have different opinions of what they want to do.
还有，一处重大的失误没写，改革真的有必要吗，而我觉得这应该放在首段
Secondly, there is no direct relationship between the result of the questionnaires and the improving programs.(最好是the improvement of programs) These (there) is little evidence show (indicating)that the respondents treat the research seriously. Perhaps they just complete it as an assignment(感觉有点中式思维，我会用 regard it as) but not(don’t) express their true opinions. Even if they did(时态) it carefully, maybe the results are useless to draw the conclusion. For most of the answers on why the teach is that(the answers could be that) they want to hand down their knowledge to the students. What a student want to gain and a former student has got cannot equal as the improve program (红字部分该删掉，前面该改为can not be equal 吧)
这段攻击，中心应在结果的执行上，而你却还在提敷衍research的事，后面的例子也举得不好


Finally, it is unwarranted to assert that as long as we can tabulate the questionnaires and formulate an official statement of our educational mission that（删） the programs at our university will be improved. Since（as） we are not be informed what the result of the research is,(.) (Perhaps)perhaps the result has little things(是thing吧) to do with the improving（improvement） （of）the program. Even if it is useful to improve the program, it is doubtful if (感觉该用whether)the university will take some effective measures to make the result of the questionnaires good used.（不地道，该用effective） So the faculty draws a hast conclusion which based on inadequate evidence about.?
全文也该是上一段的fallacy呀
From what have(been) mentioned above, we can learn that faculty made some logical mistakes in the recommendation so that it become less cogent. To strength the recommendation, much more clearly information about the questionnaire is needed, and what measures should be taken after the research.太大太空了，收尾我感觉应该是越具体可行的建议越好

Slipping同学，你的语法很成问题，不知道是时间因素还是语法不扎实还是语感不强。多看些原汁原味的文章利用点滴时间，多听些听力VOA之类的，用自己有把握的词句。宁简勿错
还有，你全体还算有个脉络，只是fallacy有重点主次之分，建议你看看www.gtz921.com张雷动老师的博客看看主要的bug再组织攻势