issue147 by poboso 请多指点！

pobosoUID: 2318913

写的第二篇issue，应该很糟糕~，不吝赐教！谢谢！:)
147."Tradition and modernization are incompatible. One must choose between them." 147．
传统和现代是不相容的。人们必须在二者之间做出选择。
It is said that Tradition means old-fashioned things while modernization means brand-new things. No wonder  why many people take it for granted that tradition and modernization are incompatible.　Via my thorough meditation, from my point of view, Tradition and modernization are not always going oppositely. For most of the time, they can go parallel. I will present my opinions in the next paragraphs.
First and foremost, traditional culture always exists in one people, although they change in accord with the times. The nature of one nation’s spirit doesn’t change . Like the traditional Chinese spirit of homogeneity. It was proposed by Confucius who was the greatest thinker in Chinese history. In the subsequent times in China, people always take it for granted that homogeneity is right and that fight is wrong. People from the political leaders to common pupils all know this basic rule. They will be punished by their parents when fight with others no matter if the reason is convincing. The politicians will definitely be abused by the people if they arise a war. Even in this various world where full of temptations and competitions exist  most of the people are aware of this basic rule for being a nice person. And this, proved by the history, will never disappear in the future times.
Another point is that the development of modernization is based on old traditional things. For example, the modern industry is based on the old technology. People always learn from the past since past is an experience. Smart scientists always utilize the old theories and make them into an organic new one. Like Newton said, he was standing on the shoulders of the gigantic. If we learn from Newton, we are then standing on his shoulder. Thus we can reap flourish fruits. Old things can always give some artists new inspiration. In another word, innovation is inspired by the stale materials.
Thirdly the tradition and modernization can exist together in many conditions. Like the 2008 Beijing Olympic games. We can see creation and tradition everywhere from opening ceremony, the sports wear to the ornament of the gyms. Take the sports wear of China for instance. As the T-shirt and pants are made by new technology, they are capable to keep dry. What is more, the traditional Chinese auspicious clouds are a typical sigh of China. Some famous architecture works, artistic works also have the elements of both modern and tradition in them. Especially in some countries with long history, this phenomenon is quite common. Like China, India, Egypt and Greece where old houses and skyscrapers can both exist. Another instance is that computers and paper documents are both in use today. Can we roughly draw a conclusion that tradition and modernization are incompatible? From the instance above, any smart reader will say no.
Admittedly, modernization sometimes goes beyond tradition. Like computer can replace many paper works. And new standard of moral code sometimes makes us give up some bad old virtue standard. As a common sense, good things always replace bad things. Everyone has a standard for good and bad. As the time goes by, old things sometimes appear its shortcomings. Thus people are willing to abandon them. Subsequently, things according to new standards appear. Old things like the old American laws to abandon women’s suffrage finally disappear.
In conclusion, tradition and modernization are compatible for most of the time, though sometimes they go beyond each other. It is too definite to say that tradition and modernization are incompatible and can’t be chosen when they meet each other. They can be united into an organic neoplasm. From the discussion above, we are willing to draw a conclusion that modernization is rest on old tradition while tradition changes with the modernization, and we accept their both existence.

irvine666UID: 2575525

It is said that Tradition means old-fashioned things while modernization means brand-new things. No wonder that why(删掉) many people take it for granted that tradition and modernization are incompatible.　Via my thorough meditation(这个词有一种很深沉很睿智的意思在里面,用在此处不是很好), from my point of view, Tradition and modernization are not always going oppositely. For most of the time, they can go parallel(这个关系应该不是parallel那种永不相交,用compatible,coexist之类的词). I will present my opinions in the next paragraphs.

First and foremost, traditional culture always exists in one people, although they(单复数问题,这个they指带的是traditional culture) change in accord with the times(文化传统会不停的变么?我不赞同.即使你要强调文化传统改变,变的只是形式,不变的是精髓, 那这句话的主语应该是the form of expression of tradition). The nature of one nation’s spirit doesn’t change with the times(句式比较单调). Like the traditional Chinese spirit of homogeneity(这是个从句而非一句话). It was proposed by Confucius who was the greatest thinker in Chinese history. In the subsequent times in(of) China, people always take it for granted that homogeneity(孔子强调的应该是一种和谐思想吧) is right and fight is wrong. People from the political leaders to common pupils all know this basic rule. They will be punished by their parents when fight with others no matter if the reason is convincing. The politicians will definitely be abused by the people if they arise a war. Even in this various world where full of temptations and competitions existed. Most of the people are aware of(这个短语强调一种因为留心甚至监视才知道的意思,而这里显然需要一个表示common sense或者遵从意思的"知道") this basic rule for being a nice person. And this, proved by the history, will never disappear in the future times. (首先作为议论文,例子不能这么写,这样写不是去证明一个理论,而是向ETS推销中国的历史来着...其次为了证明传统的重要性,你这段全是关于中国的传统,忘记了在A里面的地域谬误了么?即使中国尊重传统,世界也不一定.这段无法说服读者.)

Another point is that the development of modernization is based on old traditional things(直接一个tradition就解决了,这样写让人一头雾水). For example, the modern industry is based on the old technology(重大原则错误,old technology可不是传统.建议你去查一下tradition的英文定义.). People always learn from the past since past is an experience. Smart scientists always utilize the old theories and make them into an organic new one. Like Newton said, he was standing on the shoulders of the gigantic(牛顿说的那个巨人可不是你要证明的传统,而是科学前辈.). If we learn from Newton, we are then standing on his shoulder. Thus we can reap flourish fruits. Old things can always give some artists new inspiration. In another word, innovation is inspired by the stale materials. (总之这一段出现了原则性的偏题)

Thirdly the tradition and modernization can exist together in many conditions(这里说了many conditions,下文却只列了在olympic一种condition). Like the 2008 Beijing Olympic games. We can see creation and tradition everywhere from opening ceremony, the sports wear to the ornament of the gyms. Take the sports wear of China for instance. As the T-shirt and pants are made by new technology, they are capable to keep dry. What is more, the traditional Chinese auspicious clouds are a typical sigh of China. Some famous architecture works, artistic works also have the elements of both modern and tradition in them. Especially in some countries with long history, this phenomenon is quite common. Like China, India, Egypt and Greece where old houses and skyscrapers can both exist. Another instance is that computers and paper documents are both in use today. Can we roughly draw a conclusion that tradition and modernization are incompatible? From(As) the instance (illustrated) above, any smart reader will say no.(这段怎么说...除了开头结尾各一个短句外,全是例子,而且只有一个...我不知道ETS是否会欣赏这种论证方式)

Admittedly, modernization sometimes goes beyond tradition. Like computer can replace(语气不对) many paper works. And new standard of moral code sometimes makes us give up some bad old virtue standard. As a common sense, good things always replace bad things. Everyone has a standard for good and bad. As the time goes by, old things sometimes appear its shortcomings. Thus people are willing to abandon them. Subsequently, things according to new standards appear. Old things like the old American laws to abandon women’s suffrage finally disappear. (基本能make sense)

In conclusion, tradition and modernization are compatible for most of the time, though sometimes they go beyond each other. It is too definite to say that tradition and modernization are incompatible and can’t be chosen when they meet each other. They can be united into an organic neoplasm(omg...这个词是肿瘤或者累赘的意思). From the discussion above, we are willing to draw a conclusion that modernization is rest on old tradition while tradition changes with the modernization, and we accept their both existence.

总的来说,楼主还需要努力.特别是开始动笔以前,关键词的定义一定要明确.本文最大的问题就是把tradition的定义搞错了