[TOEFL 4—6月Dark_Tournament写作小组 gundammole 第九次作业]

gundammoleUID: 2300958

No one can deny that, with the evolution of the technology, we benefit quite a lot from it. Thanks to the technological development, individuals have things for warming up, making delicious food and also enjoying our way of life. Technology plays a critical part in our daily life and I disapprove that it makes children show less creative than they were in past.

To begin with, children are not as stupid as some individuals think nowadays, and we can still find a great number of talented people standing on the apex of technology when they were young, such as Bill Gates, Stephen William Hawking, I.M.Pei, etc. Those famous characters have showed their creativity at earlier ages. Hawking can be called the second Albert Einstein. He is the writer of “A Brief History of Time” and also the one who shows the world a better understanding of the universe.

On the other side, our technology is much more developed than in the past, in that case, children need more time to learn the latest technology in advance rather than showing creativities. As an adage says, no one can learn running before walking. In the past, children generally learn by themselves. Instead, children attend school and learn from teachers nowadays. According to the Scientific American, with the benefit of education, children are more talented then a hundred years ago, which means children shows more creative than they were in the past.

What’s more, even if children show less creative than they were in past, there must be some other factors case this problem. In the 21st century, children can easily be enticed by PC games, Internet, parties, etc. Some children are addicted to entertainment and don’t want to study anymore. At the same time, some children are spoiled by their parents who are too lazy to do anything else except eating and sleeping. Under the circumstance, children will be less creative than they were in the past.

Consequently, I'd like to advocate that technology would not cause children show less creative than they were in past. As a matter of fact, it plays a critical part in our life and we should call for the development of technology.

grace.TTUID: 2534695

1# gundammole

No one can deny that, with the evolution of the technology, we benefit quite a lot from it. Thanks to the technological development, individuals have things for warming up, making delicious food and also enjoying our way of life. Technology plays a critical part in our daily life and I disapprove that it makes children show less creative than they were in past.

To begin with, children are not as stupid as some individuals(some/someone就可以了) think nowadays, and we can still find a great number of talented people standing on the apex of technology when they were young, such as Bill Gates, Stephen William Hawking, I.M.Pei, etc. Those famous characters have showed their creativity at earlier ages. Hawking can be called the second Albert Einstein. He is the writer of “A Brief History of Time” and also the one who shows the world a better understanding of the universe.


On the other side, our technology is much more developed than in the past, in that case, children need more time to learn the latest technology in advance rather than showing creativities. (这句话想表达什么呢？)As an adage says, no one can learn running before walking（这是中文思维翻译过去的吧?）. In the past, children generally learn by themselves. Instead, children attend school and learn from teachers nowadays.（古时候或父辈的孩子学习也不是自己学啊，也有老师啊？！） According to the Scientific American, with the benefit of education, children are more talented then（在这里作什么意思讲？） a hundred years ago, which means children shows more creative than they were in the past.
本段的例子举得有点牵强阿。。。


U本段
What’s more, even if children show less creative than they were in past, there must be some other factors case this problem. In the 21st century, children can easily be enticed by PC games, Internet, parties, etc. Some children are addicted to entertainment and don’t want to study anymore. At the same time, some children are spoiled by their parents who are too lazy to do anything else except eating and sleeping. Under the circumstance, children will be less creative than they were in the past.

Consequently, I'd like to advocate that technology would not cause children show less creative than they were in past. As a matter of fact, it plays a critical part in our life and we should call for the development of technology.
文章总体结构不错。多注意词汇的替换，比如第三段some children,还可以是kids,teenagers,etc.
继续努力！
如有不同意见，盼进一步讨论。

qiangweiciUID: 2478469

No one can deny that, with the evolution of the technology, we benefit quite a lot from it. Thanks to the technological development, individuals have things for warming up, making delicious food and also enjoying our way of life. Technology plays a critical part in our daily life and I disapprove that it makes children show less creative than they were in past.6 a( C0 \" [& b* A+ w2 _. P
5 {! J1 ^- D/ N, t- W8 }* W
To begin with, children are not as stupid as some individuals think nowadays, and we can still find a great number of talented people standing on the apex of technology when they were young, such as Bill Gates, Stephen William Hawking, I.M.Pei, etc. Those famous characters have showed their creativity at earlier ages. Hawking can be called the second Albert Einstein. He is the writer of “A Brief History of Time” and also the one who shows the world a better understanding of the universe(关于霍金的细节描述似乎有点多余，不过LZ要是能在后面加上一句指明霍金取得成就所处年龄的时间状语，效果应该会不一样吧)  这一段的论证点和题目似乎有点偏离哦，关于科技和孩子创造力的关系似乎被忽略掉了，而是把重点放在了现代社会的优秀人士中，年轻人占重要的一部分，但题目中的主题是孩子哦.: D, w8 E* l( ?

On the other side, our technology is much more developed than in the past, in that case, children need more time to learn the latest technology in advance rather than showing creativities. As an adage says, no one can learn running before walking. In the past, children generally learn by themselves. Instead, children attend school and learn from teachers nowadays. According to the Scientific American, with the benefit of education, children are more talented then （than）a hundred years ago, which means children shows more creative than they were in the past.(LZ 你是站在不同意题目的一方哦，怎么这一段的主题句反倒让人觉得你同意题目的观点了。另外事例也有些牵强)

What’s more, even if children show less creative than they were in past, there must be some other factors case this problem. In the 21st century, children can easily be enticed by PC games, Internet, parties, etc. Some children are addicted to entertainment and don’t want to study anymore. At the same time, some children are spoiled by their parents who are too lazy to do anything else except eating and sleeping. Under the circumstance, children will be less creative than they were in the past.

Consequently, I'd like to advocate that technology would not cause children show less creative than they were in past. As a matter of fact, it plays a critical（换成crucial or vital之类的吧，增加语言的变化） part in our life and we should call for the development of technology.


LZ 你的语法功底特别扎实，在语言上的错误几乎没有！文章整体看起来感觉不错，但是细读上去，在思路上可能比较薄弱，建议LZ加强这一方面，多多锻炼自己的逻辑感~~批改中如果有错漏，虚心接受批评~~


.. o( C6


LZ S

gundammoleUID: 2300958

2# grace.TT

多谢你的修改，很有道理，我会尽快改正的^_^

gundammoleUID: 2300958

3# qiangweici

呵呵，貌似我的文章有点写偏题了。谢谢你的指点，我再改改。呵呵