ARGUMENT242【DIES IN FLAMES 0910G长线突破组】by 刚刚好（修改 by 草木也知愁）

刚刚好UID: 2599482

The author attempts to convince that institutions should adopt honor codes similar to Groveton’s in order to reduce the cases of cheating in their academic endeavors. To support this conclusion, the author cites the result of a recent survey that a majority of students in Groveton said they would be less likely to cheat with an honor codes. On the surface, the argument appears to be somewhat logical, however, the conclusion may mask other causes of cheating which is potentially more significant. There are three important concerns which arguer fails to address in the analysis, may seriously undermine the argument.

First of all, the arguer assumes that the Groveton students are just like monitors to detect cheating, however, no evidence is provided to support this assumption that the students will notify a faculty member even if they suspect others have cheated. It’s possible that a student observes someone who is his best friend in cheating, if he report it to teacher, his friend may encounter to a severe punishment, even leading to discontinue his studies. In order to avoid breaking off the friendship between them, the student maybe maintain the secret instead of bringing the cheating to the light.

Secondly, even if the Groveton students agree to notify a faculty member if they suspect that others have cheated and the cases of cheating, to some extent, have reduced since put the codes into effect, the arguer fails to establish a casual relationship between the reduction of the cases of cheating and the implementation of the honor codes. It’s also likely that not only may the increasing scholarship leads the Groveton students are unprecedented assiduous in their study, but the degree of difficulty may also, fundamentally, drop sharply, with the result that, there is no use for them to take a risk to cheat in the examination.

Finally, even if there is a relationship between the reduction of the cases of cheating and the implementation of the honor codes. To strengthen the argument, instead of relying on a dubious analogy, the arguer should supply powerful evidence, perhaps by way of a survey at Groveton. The author unfairly assumes that during the five-year period all other conditions possibly affecting the incidence of cheating remained unchanged. On the other hand, the arguer fails to prove that the investigated students of Groveton are representative of all college students.

As it stands, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the arguer should demonstrate that the honor codes can effective reduce the cases of cheating. Additionally, the arguer must provide more specific evidence to validate the assumptions.

动笔写的第一篇 由于能力所限（4级中等 6级及格） 模版的问题很严重 单词也是边写边查 句子没有亮点 发现这么多年过去了用的最多的还是there be 句型 更不敢提逻辑 ......望各位大虾们不吝赐教  

草木也知愁UID: 2487572

242The following appeared as an editorial in the student newspaper of Groveton College.

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To combat the recently reported dramatic rise in cheating among college and university students, these institutions should adopt honor codes similar to Groveton's, which calls for students to agree not to cheat in their academic endeavors and to notify a faculty member if they suspect that others have cheated(definition)

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Groveton's honor code replaced an old-fashioned system in which students were closely monitored by teachers and an average of thirty cases of cheating per year were reported(definition)

background information

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The honor code has proven far more successful:

in the first year it was in place, students reported twenty-one cases of cheating;

five years later, this figure had dropped to fourteen.

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Moreover, in a recent survey conducted by the Groveton honor council, a majority of students said that they would be less likely to cheat with an honor code in place than without.(调查的具体内容)

The author attempts to convince that institutions should adopt honor codes similar to Groveton’s in order to reduce the cases of cheating in their academic endeavors. To support this conclusion, the author cites the result of a recent survey that a majority of students in Groveton said they would be less likely to cheat with an honor codes. On the surface, the argument appears to be somewhat logical, however, the conclusion may mask other causes of cheating which is potentially more significant. There are three important concerns which arguer fails to address in the analysis, may seriously undermine the argument.

1、模板句，我的建议是不要写，即使命大不雷同，看着也影响rater心情
2、改写，力求简洁，原文用两个字你就要用一个字，甚至要一两个字代替一句，这个不是轻易能做到，但也不是轻易不impressive，可以说，做好这点，从开头你就抓主了rater
3、提纲式开头，务必要清晰说出要批驳的points。国内很多演讲都是blah blah blah 如下几点...这个是及其不符合effective writting的最基本要素的——首段务必不留puzzle并且不留模糊点
4、开头段要短小精干，这个和2是一个目的，一句描述，一句thesis statement，一句提纲，足矣。除了你的行文战略需要，不要有多余的词和句。

给你看几个ETS对开头段的comments
【5】After describing the argument as "weak," this strong essay goes straight to the heart of the matter: building a school is not (as the argument seems to assume) innocuous; rather, it involves substantial development.  The essay identifies several reasons to support this critique.  

注意几个关键点：
goes straight to the heart of the matter（ETS对此是正评价）
rather, it involves substantial development（ETS对此是负评价）

【4】After acknowledging that the argument "contains several flaws," this adequate response identifies a basic problem in the reasoning -- the letter writer's ambivalence about the desirability of maintaining Scott Woods as natural and undeveloped parkland.  The writer recognizes that the argument's confused intentions are indirectly related to a root flaw in the argument: the assumption that construction of new buildings -- even school buildings -- would not impact the preservation of the parkland.  Further, the writer does a competent job of explaining how both of these problems are the result of a lack of clarity about what constitutes a "natural parkland."
这个及其相似于对大多数人的开头段的描述，没有明显褒贬倾向

【3】The opening sentences of this limited essay seem to agree with the argument, describing it as "well thought out."  However, the writer begins to construct a critique in the fourth sentence, identifying and briefly describing one flawed assumption:  if the community members want to retain natural parkland, they will not be able to do so by building a school on that land.
这个摆出来说一下TS的重要性和让步句不要过分玩花样画蛇添足


First of all, the arguer assumes that the Groveton students are just like monitors to detect cheating, however, no evidence is provided to support this assumption that the students will notify a faculty member even if they suspect others have cheated. It’s possible that a student observes someone who is his best friend in cheating, if he report it to teacher, his friend may encounter to a severe punishment, even leading to discontinue his studies. In order to avoid breaking off the friendship between them, the student maybe maintain the secret instead of bringing the cheating to the light.
想象力实在是太奇妙了~
这个已经不是logical分析了，成fiction了...
继续引用ETS官方comments：
【2】This seriously flawed critique presents only one idea relevant to an analysis of the argument topic: "The argument needs more examples and illustrations to get his point across to more people."  Everything else in the essay is either summarizing the argument, speculating, or offering advice.  The result is an essay that is clearly on topic but that provides no analysis of the line of reasoning in the argument.
看到一句话没？——provides no analysis of the line of reasoning in the argument
你走得太远了
而且这个要考虑文化背景的，鬼子虽然也知道忠孝节义，但是他们是不是也能对你的论断感同深受呢？我不知道呃，你得先查好。而且这样一说，很模糊了，需要例子去佐证，越走越远了...
moreover,你这point找的，放在第一个，很不合适，第一个要放最重要滴，这是effective writting和academic writting的习惯，咱不写fiction，不用引人入胜，即使要引，那也是ISSUE的首段background。
继续引用ETS官方comments：
【4】However, this critique is stated in a confusing way and is not sufficiently developed.
这个虽然不一定，但是会的，confusing这种事，咱一定要避免，一个牛角钻得太深势必会把整个段落弄得not sufficiently。多层次多角度论证，才是sufficient王道。（注意：sufficient要和developed同时用，不可偏废其一）

Secondly, even if the Groveton students agree to notify a faculty member if they suspect that others have cheated and the cases of cheating, to some extent, have reduced since put the codes into effect, the arguer fails to establish a casual relationship between the reduction of the cases of cheating and the implementation of the honor codes. It’s also likely that not only may the increasing scholarship leads the Groveton students are unprecedented assiduous in their study, but the degree of difficulty may also, fundamentally, drop sharply, with the result that, there is no use for them to take a risk to cheat in the examination.
这段说了一个casual relationship，但是没有develop，后面的那些论据，每一个都让我不禁一问：why？why？
引用ETS官方comments：
【2】The essay displays adequate control of language, but earns a score of 2 because it -- does not develop ideas and is illogical; and provides little, if any, relevant or reasonable support.
这个comments虽然刻薄，但是真的是在说了这段的一些问题：（当然，不是全篇）
provides little, if any, relevant or reasonable support
自己在做推理论证的时候，一定要时刻思考一点：raters可以跟得上我的思路么？他们会问什么么？
看一下对6分和5分的comments：
【6】The extensively developed and organically organized analysis continues into a final paragraph that takes issue with the argument's conclusion that "there would be no better use of land in our community than this."
【5】Although detailed and comprehensive, the writer's critique is neither as fully developed nor as tightly organized as a 6 essay.
【6】The points are cogently developed and are linked in such a way as to create a logically organized essay.provides an impressively full analysis
【5】Unlike the sample 6 essay, this response is neither as exhaustive in its analysis nor as impressively developed

Finally, even if there is a relationship between the reduction of the cases of cheating and the implementation of the honor codes. To strengthen the argument, instead of relying on a dubious analogy, the arguer should supply powerful evidence, perhaps by way of a survey at Groveton. The author unfairly assumes that during the five-year period all other conditions possibly affecting the incidence of cheating remained unchanged. On the other hand, the arguer fails to prove that the investigated students of Groveton are representative of all college students.
这段。。。更标准的undeveloped，直接放上了两个论点就不管了。。。详细参看上面那段的分析
这段我主要说一下语言：
那些纯粹的逻辑分析语言，要是能用好，可以用，但是你这段突然蹦进来，和整个文章的风格超级不符合，而且透着了一些酸腐的气味...这个不推荐，除非能用的超级好，像the big bang theory里的那四个geek，不过，米人太喜欢的。ETS对考生没有背景要求，不是要你非得major in logic
总之啦，我不推荐，呵呵，这些真的很大的酸腐气，没用而且给ETS看也不好看。

As it stands, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the arguer should demonstrate that the honor codes can effective reduce the cases of cheating. Additionally, the arguer must provide more specific evidence to validate the assumptions.
这个结尾，不痛不痒，做了几个建议，但是仅此而已，ETS对其也没有过多评价，等到咱们讲ISSUE的时候，我一起说吧~


呃...我快虚了，感冒把弄死我了
不给你做思路上的分析了
等着看下几期的同主题吧，组里讨论的东西也都很针对这个，我过些天也会针对那些讨论写点评，到时候一起说啦
基础不错，文法在此基础要继续加油
词汇要多积累
我不行了。。。就说这些了。。。

刚刚好UID: 2599482

感谢草木的点评 受益匪浅

考试了UID: 2613528

都是模板（文章模板加句式模板）惹得祸， 弱化了人的思维， 把正常的分析推理过程搞得支离破碎