〓DIES IN FLAMS〓Issue30--tracywlz

tracywlzUID: 2522388

30"The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time."

The speaker’s viewpoint is under a presupposition that no matter where or when people’s demands for life are the same and I partly agree with him.

Admittedly, as for doing a similar thing the improvement of efficiency can incline the time of per task. For example, the ancestor were likely spend a whole
day to fulfill thee demand of basis living, and somehow may be failed, while, the modern one just need to work a few hours or even rest at home with sustaining life on interests or some other benefits. And another example is clinked to our life daily. When cars first take into produce, being a worker of car industry was a hard thing for young people--you have to work sixteen hours and just were paid 2.5 dollars. However, as the time Ford improve the procession of making a car, people just have to work eight hours and can have 5 dollars per day, that is to say, the rest 8 hours and 2.5 dollars per day can be used to entertainment or do some other things in workers' leisure time. As the example above proved, we can surely draw a conclusion that if human merely have ambitions to do the same thing as ancestor had, the development of technological let us have more leisure time without doubt.

Notwithstanding, human being are not willing to be satisfied creatures. As the Seven Sin in the Bible, all of these are derived from lust, strong juggernaut and horrible desire. Sometimes we call it ambition, but in fact, it is a inclining that drives us to take our leisure time to do some so-called meaningful thing. Most of us can not be satisfied about gaining something with less time and effects, on the contrary we are always want more. The willing is about having more money, more duties, or more responsibilities. Just like the rural settles has less time to relax than urban one and children in low grade in fact have more fun than the high. Maybe someone would believe, the advanced person can have more choices to pass their leisure time, while in fact, they hardly have time to let it come true. Therefore, we may have less free time when the high-tech and efficient living way come to our life.

Maybe a view can be accepted that technology improvement just can increase our leisure time when we just want to fulfill the fundamental need of our survival. When we expect more, the technology can be a facet that can accelerate the declination of our leisure time. And honestly speaking, how many time we can have for our own relaxation is only depend on our desire, only when we think what we have is enough can we pause and have rest. In contemporary society, lots of us may want to exchange our leisure time to more busy time, because of a ridiculous reason, what I have could decide how much leisure time I can have.

In sum, it is considerable that technology put its aim at improve people's life, but we cannot say, the result can increase our leisure time. In present, our leisure time is just depend on how much we want to have, and as the time goes by, technology often pay a vital role in the decreasing of leisure time.

tracywlzUID: 2522388

希望我可以写出值得修改的文章~~

tracywlzUID: 2522388

1.ford 关于全体工人的
2，孩子的例子我想表达的是随着年龄的增加，我们想要得到的更多，例如，好成绩，好职位。等。因此我们的空闲时间减少。
3，我所拥有的可以决定我可以用多少空闲时间。
4，我的观点是，科技并不能带给我们更多的空闲时间，只能带给我们更多创造空闲时间的机会。
谢谢修改。

tracywlzUID: 2522388

关于开头的，貌似我写的时候本打算的。后来写道结尾发现50min了，就没加了~~马上改~

tracywlzUID: 2522388

现在只能限1小时~很勉强。还要先分析提纲~~唉。多多修改自己的。嗯嗯。

winning1030UID: 2538401

The speaker’s viewpoint is under a presupposition that no matter where or when people’s demands for life are the same and I partly agree with him.

Admittedly, as for doing a similar thing the improvement of efficiency can incline the time of per task.）这个主题句有问题。效率的本身含义就是单位任务花的时间更少或者更少的时间做更多的事。你的主题句是废话，不用解释效率是什么） For example, the ancestor were likely spend a whole day to fulfill thee demand of basis living, and somehow may be failed, while, the modern one just need to work a few hours or even rest at home with sustaining life on interests or some other benefits. And another example is clinked to our life daily. When cars first take into produce, being a worker of car industry was a hard thing for young people--you have to work sixteen hours and just were paid 2.5 dollars. However, as the time Ford improve the procession of making a car, people just have to work eight hours and can have 5 dollars per day, that is to say, the rest 8 hours and 2.5 dollars per day can be used to entertainment or do some other things in workers' leisure time. As the example above proved, we can surely draw a conclusion that if human merely have ambitions to do the same thing as ancestor had, the development of technological let us have more leisure time without doubt.

Notwithstanding, human being are not willing to be satisfied creatures. As the Seven Sin in the Bible, all of these are derived from lust, strong juggernaut and horrible desire. Sometimes we call it ambition, but in fact, it is a inclining that drives us to take our leisure time to do some so-called meaningful thing. Most of us can not be satisfied about gaining something with less time and effects, on the contrary we are always want more. The willing is about having more money, more duties, or more responsibilities. Just like the rural settles has less time to relax than urban one and children in low grade in fact have more fun than the high. （高低年级小孩的例子不好，长大了没有以前闲暇时间多，是我们The willing is about having more money, more duties, or more responsibilities，你不觉得这是符合社会生存的必然的吗？不是我们想要，是不得不要，换例子），Maybe someone would believe, the advanced person can have more choices to pass their leisure time, while in fact, they hardly have time to let it come true. Therefore, we may have less free time when the high-tech and efficient living way come to our life.

Maybe a view can be accepted that technology improvement just can increase our leisure time when we just want to fulfill the fundamental need of our survival. When we expect more, the technology can be a facet that can accelerate the declination of our leisure time. And honestly speaking, how many time we can have for our own relaxation is only depend on our desire, only when we think what we have is enough can we pause and have rest. In contemporary society, lots of us may want to exchange our leisure time to more busy time, because of a ridiculous reason, what I have could decide how much leisure time I can have.

In sum, it is considerable that technology put its aim at improve people's life, but we cannot say, the result can increase our leisure time. In present, our leisure time is just depend on how much we want to have, and as the time goes by, technology often pay a vital role in the decreasing of leisure time.（最后一句话也要论述，否则也太突兀。因为你说的是as the time goes by）

楼主的语言很流畅，这点我很欣赏。而且从上面得知居然是限时作文，很佩服（因为我现在连打字都不会，憋一篇怎么说也大半天吧）

tracywlzUID: 2522388

30"The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time."

The speaker’s viewpoint is under a presupposition that no matter where or when people’s demands for life are the same and I partly agree with him. For the reason of people’s appetency sometimes growing with the development of technology, which are likely leading to less leisure time.


Admittedly, as for doing a similar thing the improvement of efficiency can incline the time of per task.）这个主题句有问题。效率的本身含义就是单位任务花的时间更少或者更少的时间做更多的事。你的主题句是废话，不用解释效率是什么）我的目的是时强调出similar. For example, the ancestor were likely spend a whole day to fulfill the demand of basis living, and somehow（occasionally） may be failed, while the modern one just need to work a few hours or even rest at home with sustaining life on interests or some other benefits. And another example is clinked to our life daily. When cars first take into produce, being a worker of car industry was a hard thing for young people--you have to work sixteen hours and just were paid 2.5 dollars. However, as the time Ford improve the procession of making a car, people just have to work eight hours and can have 5 dollars per day, that is to say, the rest 8 hours and 2.5 dollars per day can be used to entertainment or do some other things in workers' leisure time. As the example above proved, we can surely draw a conclusion that if human merely have ambitions to do the same thing as ancestor had, the development of technological let us have more leisure time without doubt.

Notwithstanding（Nevertheless）, human being are not willing to be satisfied creatures. As the Seven Sin in the Bible includes, all of sins are derived from lust, strong juggernaut and horrible desire（lust）. Sometimes we call it ambition, but in fact, it is a inclining that drives us to take our leisure time to do some so-called meaningful things. Most of us can not be satisfied about only gaining a same thing with less time or effects, on the contrary we are always（at all times） want more. The willing (desire which) is about having more money, more duties, or more responsibilities. Just like the rural settles has less time to relax than urban one and children in low grade in fact have more fun than the high. （高低年级小孩的例子不好，长大了没有以前闲暇时间多，是我们The willing is about having more money, more duties, or more responsibilities，你不觉得这是符合社会生存的必然的吗？不是我们想要，是不得不要，换例子这里我不同意，我的措辞也许有问题，但是我要表达的观点是可行的。我们小时候开心的原因通常很简单，而现在，我们总是不会满足，总是不开心，总是让自己忙碌于尘世，因为我们的欲望在逐渐增长，因此牺牲了自己的闲暇时间而且开心减少），Maybe someone would believe, the advanced person can have more choices to pass（enjoy） their leisure time, notwithstanding in fact（essence）, they hardly have time to let it come true. Therefore, we may have less free time when the high-tech and efficient living way comes to our life.

Maybe a view can be accepted that technology improvement just can increase our leisure time when we just want to fulfill the fundamental need of our survival all the time. When we are expecting more, the technology can be a facet that can accelerate the declination of our leisure time. And honestly speaking, how many time we can have for our own relaxation is only depend on our desire, only when we think what we have is enough can we pause and have a rest. （希望指教这句话的问题谢谢）In contemporary society, lots of (an increasing number of) us may want to exchange our leisure time to more busy time, because of (due to) a ridiculous reason, what I have could decide how much leisure time I can have.

In sum, it is considerable(此处为值得的考虑的，请问有什么异议吗？)that technology should put its aim at improve（improving） people's life quality, but we cannot say(assert), the result can increase（augment） our leisure time. In（At） present, our leisure time is just depend on how much we want to have, and as the time goes by, technology often pay a vital role in the decreasing of leisure time.（去掉，改为because we human being are greedy creatures. Thus, though technology can make our life more efficiency, no time can be taken to relax if our lust cannot be limited.
）（最后一句话也要论述，否则也太突兀。因为你说的是as the time goes by）很支持。说得对！

楼主的语言很流畅，这点我很欣赏。而且从上面得知居然是限时作文，很佩服（因为我现在连打字都不会，憋一篇怎么说也大半天吧
自己略看一次，才发现如此多的错误。辛苦大家了。啊啊，电脑没电了~先暂缓写提纲，改以前的烂尾作~

winning1030UID: 2538401

蓝色的句子我是指你写得比较好的，没有问题。
considerable，我把意思理解错了。
高低年级的例子，我觉得你后面中文说的是对的。可是还是建议不要用高低年级的孩子（强调孩子，你可以换小孩子和成人比较）。另外一点，就是高年级没有低年级闲，是欲望使然吗？是社会要求的高的，是他们步入社会的必然，和他们的XX欲望无关，是学校的要求。所以，不要那高低年级的小孩比较。
还是建议改第二段主题句，加了similar还是在解释效率的定义。
我改的时候没用word,没注意到楼主的某些语法错误。

tracywlzUID: 2522388

我发上来前都看了下word,然后就没管语法了。才发现~~
我现在看也觉得拿小孩子单独比较的例子有点勉强~
为什么不能解释效率的定义？或者我得换种方法来说明仅仅是相同的条件，科技才能够提高闲暇时间。
谢谢。

winning1030UID: 2538401

你再把你那段话看一遍。你没发现你那段话的主题句用效率的定义有问题吗？结合你该段的最后一句话看。
PS  楼主我觉得你说话很冲，不知道是我敏感还是你的表述有问题。我是新手好吧，改的时候可能大家都有自己的看法，也许正确也许有待商榷，如果你坚持你的看法不变，认为我改的有问题，大可忽略好了。

tracywlzUID: 2522388

谢谢。你说的很对，我表达的方式也许有些不正确，请见谅~

seiranzcc1UID: 2514067

The speaker’s viewpoint is under a presupposition that no matter where or when people’s demands for life are the same and I partly agree with him.还没有太研究过开头，虽然很直接，不知道会不会太简洁？

Admittedly, as for doing a similar thing the improvement of efficiency can incline the time of per task. For example, the ancestor were likely spend 不用were吧？a whole day to fulfill thee demand of basis living, and somehow may be failed, while, the modern one just need to work a few hours or even rest at home with sustaining life on interests or some other benefits. And another example is clinked to our life daily. When cars first take into produce, being a worker of car industry was a hard thing for young people--you have to work sixteen hours and just were paid 2.5 dollars. However, as the time Ford improve the procession of making a car, people just have to work eight hours and can have 5 dollars per day, that is to say, the rest 8 hours and 2.5 dollars per day can be used to entertainment or do some other things in workers' leisure time. As the example above proved, we can surely draw a conclusion that if human merely have ambitions to do the same thing as ancestor had, the development of technological let us have more leisure time without doubt.
例子很贴切，就论证而言，很清晰
Notwithstanding, human being are not willing to be satisfied creatures. As the Seven Sin in the Bible, all of these are derived from lust, strong juggernaut and horrible desire. Sometimes we call it ambition, but in fact, it is a inclining that drives us to take our leisure time to do some so-called meaningful thing. Most of us can not be satisfied about gaining something with less time and effects, on the contrary we are always want more. The willing is about having more money, more duties, or more responsibilities. Just like the rural settles has less time to relax than urban one and children in low grade in fact have more fun than the high. Maybe someone would believe, the advanced person can have more choices to pass their leisure time, while in fact, they hardly have time to let it come true. Therefore, we may have less free time when the high-tech and efficient living way come to our life.

Maybe a view can be accepted that technology improvement just can increase our leisure time when we just want to fulfill the fundamental need of our survival. When we expect more, the technology can be a facet that can accelerate the declination of our leisure time. And honestly speaking, how many time we can have for our own relaxation is only depend on our desire, only when we think what we have is enough can we pause and have rest. In contemporary society, lots of us may want to exchange our leisure time to more busy time, because of a ridiculous reason, what I have could decide how much leisure time I can have.
怎么说呢，我个人认为should类论证应该关注作者这样认为“对不对”，而不是事实“是不是这样”。当然，以上的两个论点是可以用来论证倾向性问题的，但是语言描述可能要稍微修改一下。当然这只是我个人的看法，不知道你怎么看呢？

In sum, it is considerable that technology put its aim at improve people's life, but we cannot say, the result can increase our leisure time. In present, our leisure time is just depend on how much we want to have, and as the time goes by, technology often pay a vital role in the decreasing of leisure time.
结尾有一定升华，不错