〓DIES IN FLAMS〓 Issue30

zzz.321UID: 2600329

30. The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.

Technological advancement, as the crystal of humanity's wisdom, has surely enhanced people's efficiency to some extent. Yet, the increased efficiency and people’s leisure time are not invariably linked. In addition, the primary goal of technological advancement, most of all, is not to increase the people’s efficiency, but the quality of people’s lives.

Generally, technological advancement has indeed improved people’s efficiency in some measure. We will, without any exception, find that they have dramatically improved people’s efficiency if we have scanned the great revolution of technology of human history. For example, it is the internet, a production of technological advancement, with which we can enquire about nearly anything online, from using ebay.com to buy a Benz carusingebay.comessional training-by-email courses, to searching some information with google.com. All the things we need to do is to open our computer, type in some words and click the mouse. But these things were not impossibly done twenty years ago in this way: we must go to the shop to buy something, study in a class or search in the library. Obviously the efficiency has been great enhanced; in addition, this is only the tip of the iceberg technological advancement brings to us. Wright brothers’ plane, James Watt’s steamer and Edison’s incandescent lamp, all of them have increase the efficiency of people. Thus, it is certainty the progress of people’s efficiency is pushed by the technological advancement.

However, as the development of the efficiency, it doesn’t necessarily follows that people’s leisure time will increase. People’s leisure time is determined by many factors. Although the efficiency has been increased, the working hour may be increased, too. For one hand, technological advancement has surely increased the efficiency, on the other hand, technological advancement make some capitalist become avaricious. They want more profits, so the workers must labor more time for them. In another case, maybe some people use their time saved by the new technological advancement to do some other things just like travelling or doing some sports so that their leisure time doesn’t increase, too. Thus, we can’t make conclusion that people’s leisure time will increase with the progress of efficiency.

What is worse, some unexpected things may be companied with the development of technological advancement. For examaccompaniedhe enhancement of technological advancement, people need more energy to support their activities, so the fossil fuel has been used greatly and cause a lot of trouble of the poisonous gas. It will do harm to the humanity. In another aspect, the booming efficiency drives the mechanized production, leading to the fewer jobs, therefore, a deluge of people have nothing to do to support their lives. What’s more, the high growth of technology makes the interpersonal relationship become weak. Their opportunities of meeting each other become less, since they can do almost everything through the internet. Consequently, the technological advancement not only brings efficiency, but also brings some disadvantages people unexpected to see.

Furthermore, it is the quality of people’s lives, only these can be the primary goal of technological advancement. The efficiency is just as an appendage accompanied with the quality of lives. Society consists of people and technological advancement is just developed by people; therefore, the fruit of technological advancement should be enjoyed by humanity to improve their quality of life certainly. The quality of people’s life has many aspects like comfort, convenience, efficiency and health. The primary goal of technological advancement is to fully improve all of this, not just the efficiency. With the development of technological advancement, we can lie on the couch watching TV comfortably, buy goods through internet conveniently, use the high-tech tools make our lives more efficiently and do a routine inspection in the specialized hospital. These are the real significant goal of the technological advancement.

In sum, the efficiency of people is just a consequence but not the primary goal of technological advancement absolutely and the efficiency has nothing to do with people’s leisure time. Only the quality can be the primary goal.

米饭袜子UID: 2532172

Technological advancement, as the crystal of humanity's wisdom, has surely enhanced people's efficiency to some extent. Yet, the increased efficiency and people’s leisure time are not invariably linked. In addition, the primary goal of technological advancement, most of all, is not to increase the people’s efficiency, but the quality of people’s lives.（开头简洁且态度鲜明，我喜欢）

Generally, technological advancement has indeed improved people’s efficiency in some measure. We will, without any exception, find that they have dramatically improved people’s efficiency if we have scanned the great revolution of technology of human history. For example, it is the internet（这里我还以为你要用强调句，结果发现不是。。。。额。。。。那这是个虾米句式？）, a production of technological advancement, with which we can enquire about nearly anything online, from using ebay.com to buy a Benz carusingebay.comessional training-by-email courses, to searching some information with google.com. All the things we need to do is to open our computer（s）, type in some words and click the mouse. But these things were not impossibly done twenty years ago in this way: we must go to the shop to buy something, study in a class or search in the library.(嗯，这里的对比比较简洁且很说明问题，赞一个) Obviously the efficiency has been great enhanced; in addition, this is only the tip of the iceberg technological advancement brings to us（考虑的很全面啊，赞）. Wright brothers’ plane, James Watt’s steamer and Edison’s incandescent lamp, all of them have increase the efficiency of people（其实有了前面那句话我觉着这句可以不用要）. Thus, it is certainty the progress of people’s efficiency is pushed by the technological advancement.（这句米看懂）

However, as the development of the efficiency, it doesn’t necessarily follows that people’s leisure(过度句我也很喜欢，可以使文章思路非常清晰) time will increase（be increased）. People’s leisure time is determined by many factors. Although the efficiency has been increased（看到很多次increase了，换个词）, the working hour may be increased, too. For one hand（on one hand）, technological advancement has surely increased the efficiency, on the other hand, technological advancement make some capitalist become avaricious. They want more profits, so the workers must labor more time for them. In another case, maybe some people use their time saved by the new technological advancement to do some other things just like travelling or doing some sports so that their leisure time doesn’t increase, too(问题啦问题啦！到底啥时leisure tine ??旅游和运动恰恰是leisure time的体现啊，给你看WIKI对leisure time的解释：Leisure or free time, is a period of time spent out of work and essential domestic activity. It is also the period of recreational and discretionary time before or after compulsory activities such as eating and sleeping, going to work or running a business, attending school and doing homework, household chores, and day-to-day stress. The distinction between leisure and compulsory activities is loosely applied, i.e. people sometimes do work-oriented tasks for pleasure as well as for long-term utility.[1] Leisure studies is the academic discipline concerned with the study and analysis of leisure.更多的你可以去查查，那上面讲的很详细)
. Thus, we can’t make conclusion that people’s leisure time will increase with the progress of efficiency.

What is worse, some unexpected things may be companied with the development of technological advancement. For examaccompaniedhe enhancement of technological advancement, people need more energy to support their activities, so the fossil fuel has been used greatly and cause a lot of trouble of the poisonous gas. It will do harm to the humanity. In another aspect, the booming efficiency drives the mechanized production, leading to the fewer jobs, therefore, a deluge of people have nothing to do to support their lives. What’s more, the high growth of technology makes the interpersonal relationship become weak. Their opportunities of meeting each other become less, since they can do almost everything through the internet. Consequently, the technological advancement not only brings efficiency, but also brings some disadvantages people unexpected to see.
（额。。。这一段讲tech的负面影响。可是这跟你要证得有关系么？是“tech有负面负面影响所以我们不应把提高效率当做primary goal”好，还是“把提高效率当做了primary goal有负面影响，所以我们不应把提高效率当做primary goal”好呢？）
Furthermore, it is the quality of people’s lives, only these can be the primary goal of technological advancement. The efficiency is just as an appendage accompanied with the quality of lives. Society consists of people and technological advancement is just developed by people; therefore, the fruit of technological advancement should be enjoyed by humanity to improve their quality of life certainly. The quality of people’s life has many aspects like comfort, convenience, efficiency and health. The primary goal of technological advancement is to fully improve all of this, not just the efficiency. With the development of technological advancement, we can lie on the couch watching TV comfortably, buy goods through internet conveniently, use the high-tech tools make our lives more efficiently and do a routine inspection in the specialized hospital. These are the real significant goal of the technological advancement.
（这个观点我倒是米想到-------primary goal是为了提高人们生活质量，而e只是人们生活质量提高的部分表现，不能有部分推出全部，感觉不错）
In sum, the efficiency of people is just a consequence but not the primary goal of technological advancement absolutely and the efficiency has nothing to do with people’s leisure time. Only the quality can be the primary goal（再赞结尾的简洁和对观点的再次陈述，是文章感觉很完整.）
Summary：整体感觉还不错，语句流畅，语法错误也少，思路很清晰，段间联系的比较紧密。其他问题文中标出不赘述

改的可能有问题，欢迎揪米饭问问题哈~

PassonChenUID: 2614331

30. The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.

很好：红色；
欠佳与修改：蓝色；
标注：绿色。

Technological advancement, as the crystal of humanity's wisdom, has surely enhanced people's efficiency to some extent. Yet, the increased efficiency and more leisure time for people are not invariably linked. In addition, the primary goal of technological advancement, most of all, is not to increase the people’s efficiency, but the quality of people’s lives.（in addition 后面提出自己的观点，似乎自己的观点只是次要的。FROM MY POINT OF VIEW 之类就可以了）
你把第一段又在后面每一段开头重复一下，这样第一段就只成了题纲了。

Generally, technological advancement has indeed improved people’s efficiency in some measure. We will, without any exception, find that they have dramatically improved people’s efficiency if we have scanned the great revolution of technology of human history. For example, it is the internet, a production of technological advancement, with which we can enquire about nearly anything online, from using ebay.com to buy a Benz carusingebay.comessional training-by-email courses, to searching some information with google.com. All the things we need to do is to open our computer, type in some words and click the mouse. But these things were not impossibly done twenty years ago in this way: we must go to the shop to buy something, study in a class or search in the library. Obviously the efficiency has been great enhanced; in addition, this is only the tip of the iceberg technological advancement brings to us. Wright brothers’ plane, James Watt’s steamer and Edison’s incandescent lamp, all of them have increase the efficiency of people. Thus, it is certainty the progress of people’s efficiency is pushed by the technological advancement.
效率的提高很明显首要是由机器带来的生产力的提高，不要本末倒置说是交通通信之类。

However, as the development of the efficiency, it doesn’t necessarily follows that people’s leisure time will increase. People’s leisure time is determined by many factors. Although the efficiency has been increased, the working hour may be increased, too. For one hand, technological advancement has surely increased the efficiency, on the other hand, technological advancement make some capitalist become avaricious. They want more profits, so the workers must labor more time for them. In another case, maybe some people use their time saved by the new technological advancement to do some other things just like travelling or doing some sports so that their leisure time doesn’t increase, too. Thus, we can’t make conclusion that people’s leisure time will increase with the progress of efficiency.
（句式单一，词汇贫乏，衔接太差；看一看那些连词就知道）
无病呻吟太多。

What is worse, some unexpected things may be companied with（company) the development of technological advancement. For examaccompaniedhe enhancement of technological advancement, people need more energy to support their activities, so the fossil fuel has been used greatly and cause a lot of trouble of the poisonous gas. It will do harm to the humanity. In another aspect, the booming efficiency drives the mechanized production, leading to the fewer jobs, therefore, a deluge of people have nothing to do to support their lives(no subsistence). What’s more, the high growth of technology makes the interpersonal relationship become weak. Their opportunities of meeting each other become less, since they can do almost everything through the internet. Consequently, the technological advancement not only brings efficiency, but also brings some disadvantages people unexpected to see（fail to expect).
逻辑更多的是在一个句子内部来表现的，不是通过你那些什么ONE HAND THE OTHER HAND CONSEQUENTLY之类。
Furthermore, it is the quality of people’s lives, only these can be the primary goal of technological advancement. The efficiency is just as an appendage accompanied with the quality of lives. Society consists of people and technological advancement is just developed by people; therefore, the fruit of technological advancement should be enjoyed by humanity to improve their quality of life certainly. The quality of people’s life has many aspects like comfort, convenience, efficiency and health. The primary goal of technological advancement is to fully improve all of this, not just the efficiency. With the development of technological advancement, we can lie on the couch watching TV comfortably, buy goods through internet conveniently, use the high-tech tools make our lives more efficiently and do a routine inspection in the specialized hospital. These are the real significant goal of the technological advancement.
这是你的主要观点吗？怎么看起来像是找不到写的了，用来凑字数呢？

In sum, the efficiency of people is just a consequence but not the primary goal of technological advancement absolutely and the efficiency has nothing to do with people’s leisure time. Only the quality can be the primary goal.

请问为什么非得用个FIRST SECOND THIRD 之类？你见过这样的文章吗？是想用它们来掩饰支离破碎的思想吗？如果思想是统一的，那么完全可以用更用表现力的句子增加文采嘛，用更强的说理和论据支撑自己的观点。

Alex_2009UID: 2616286

30. The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.

Technological advancement, as the crystal of humanity's wisdom, has surely enhanced people's efficiency to some extent. Yet, the increased efficiency and people’s leisure time are not invariably linked. In addition, the primary goal of technological advancement, most of all, is not to increase the people’s efficiency, but the quality of people’s lives.(开头确实不错)

Generally, technological advancement has indeed improved people’s efficiency in some measure. We will, without any exception, find that they have dramatically improved people’s efficiency if we have scanned the great revolution of technology of human history. For example, it is the internet, a production of technological advancement, with which we can enquire about nearly anything online, from using ebay.com to buy a Benz carusing ebay.comessional training-by-email courses, to searching some information with google.com.（举点具体的例子确实不错，很贴近生活，具有常识性） All the things we need to do is to open our computer, type in some words and click the mouse. But these things were not impossibly done twenty years ago in this way: we must go to the shop to buy something, study in a class or search in the library. Obviously the efficiency has been great enhanced;（之前的对比很好） in addition, this is only the tip of the iceberg technological advancement brings to us. Wright brothers’ plane, James Watt’s steamer and Edison’s incandescent lamp,（这个并列举例很好） all of them have increase the efficiency of people. Thus, it is certainty the progress of people’s efficiency is pushed by the technological advancement.

However, as the development of the efficiency, it doesn’t necessarily follows that people’s leisure time will increase. People’s leisure time is determined by many factors. Although the efficiency has been increased, the working hour may be increased, too. For one hand, technological advancement has surely increased the efficiency, on the other hand, technological advancement make some capitalist become avaricious. They want more profits, so the workers must labor more time for them. In another case, maybe some people use their time saved by the new technological advancement to do some other things just like travelling or doing some sports so that their leisure time doesn’t increase, too. Thus, we can’t make conclusion that people’s leisure time will increase with the progress of efficiency.（很好）

What is worse, some unexpected things may be companied with the development of technological advancement. For examaccompaniedhe enhancement of technological advancement, people need more energy to support their activities, so the fossil fuel has been used greatly and cause a lot of trouble of the poisonous gas. It will do harm to the humanity. In another aspect, the booming efficiency drives the mechanized production, leading to the fewer jobs, therefore, a deluge of people have nothing to do to support their lives. What’s more, the high growth of technology makes the interpersonal relationship become weak. Their opportunities of meeting each other become less, since they can do almost everything through the internet. Consequently, the technological advancement not only brings efficiency, but also brings some disadvantages people unexpected to see.

Furthermore, it is the quality of people’s lives, only these can be the primary goal of technological advancement. The efficiency is just as an appendage accompanied with the quality of lives.（这个分析可以） Society consists of people and technological advancement is just developed by people; therefore, the fruit of technological advancement should be enjoyed by humanity to improve their quality of life certainly. The quality of people’s life has many aspects like comfort, convenience, efficiency and health. The primary goal of technological advancement is to fully improve all of this, not just the efficiency. With the development of technological advancement, we can lie on the couch watching TV comfortably, buy goods through internet conveniently, use the high-tech tools make our lives more efficiently and do a routine inspection in the specialized hospital. These are the real significant goal of the technological advancement.（这段分析的很到位）

In sum, the efficiency of people is just a consequence but not the primary goal of technological advancement absolutely and the efficiency has nothing to do with people’s leisure time. Only the quality can be the primary goal.

这篇文章写得不错，在段落develop方面尤其做的不错，文法也很流畅。很多地方值得借鉴。加油！