ARGUMENT45 求拍

lein2009UID：2628229

刚开始练习写作，第三篇吧，不知道是不是不值得一改，不过还是能希望版友多多指教，先谢谢了！

TOPIC: ARGUMENT45 - The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.
"Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea."
WORDS: 364


The author of the editorial draws a conclusion that the reported population of arctic deer in Canada decline because of global warming from a coincidence between them. This opinion seems to be persuasive at first glance, however, there are several fallacies in the argument's logic we should seriously take into consideration.

In the first place, the report that the deer populations are declining is not as believable as the author of this editorial may think. As indicated in the argument, it comes from local hunters. Unfortunately, we are not informed the information on which such a report is based. Have these hunters collected enough information to make this statement substantial or is it just an impression from their hunting experience? It is not less possible that some deer just have moved out of their region which gives them the opinion that the population has declined.

Another point which undermines the argument is that recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt don't necessarily mean the decrease of sea ice in Canada's arctic region. After all, global warming doesn’t mean the arming tendency of everywhere. Even assuming the climate in Canada is becoming warmer, as also mentioned in the argument that the deer's habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, perhaps the habitat of Arctic deer is expanded due to the warming tendency, as some of the arctic areas may be too cold for plants to grow. Unless there is substantial evidence that the habitat of the deer has decreased, it is doubtful whether its population will decline.

Finally, granted that the population of arctic deer is indeed declining, it is superficial to attribute this to global warming just because of the coincidence of their happening. There are many other possible explanations for the decline of the population of these deer. For example, if the hunters who live on hunting kill too many deer, the population may also decrease. Or perhaps the pollution of air and water in Canada has destroyed the environment in which arctic deer live.

From what has been discussed above, we can safely draw a conclusion that although the editorial may have some truth, without taking account of the validity of the report, the influence of global warming on Canada's arctic region and the specific reason why the number of arctic deer in Canada possibly decline, we cannot regard the editorial as substantial.

irvine666UID：2575525

TOPIC: ARGUMENT45 - The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.
"Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea."
WORDS: 364


The author of the editorial draws a conclusion that the reported population of arctic deer in Canada decline（时态） because of global warming from a coincidence between them(从from开始的意思就不对). This opinion seems to be persuasive at first glance, however, there are several fallacies in the argument's logic （that） we should seriously take into consideration.

In the first place, the report that the deer populations are declining is not as believable as the author of this editorial may think. As （is） indicated in the argument, it(指代不明) comes from local hunters. Unfortunately, we are not informed the information on which such a report is based. Have these hunters collected enough information to make this statement substantial or is it just an impression from their hunting experience?(这个不是合理的原因，关于这方面的资料，请看这里https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=927873&highlight=) It is not less（双重否定） possible that some deer just have moved out of their region which gives them the opinion that the population has declined.（你在这个段落当中犯了一个很常见的毛病，就是只有他因，没有什么论述。只用其他可能性来驳倒作者的论述来支持你的观点是不够的，从严格的逻辑角度来说，如果随便找两个其他可能性就能否定掉一切，那世界就真的乱七八糟了～，具体的原因可以参阅https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=942037&page=1#pid1772576369的最后一段话）

Another point which undermines the argument is that recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt don't necessarily mean the decrease of sea ice in Canada's arctic region（TS句不要套这么多从句，会把读者绕晕的，切记，ETS老师只有短短的几分钟时间来看你的整个文章，如果TS句都绕的不行，让他过度关注与句子本身的结构，而很难在第一眼就把握你的段落要点，那你就失败了。比如这个TS句完全可以改为：In addition, global trend could hardly indicate precise situation of particular region）. After all, global warming doesn’t mean the arming tendency of everywhere.（这句还挺像TS句的） （这样就没了？你说doesn't mean就doesn't mean了么？完全没说服力嘛。有没有他因？有没有理论依据？）Even assuming the climate in Canada is becoming warmer, as also mentioned in the argument that the deer's habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, perhaps the habitat of Arctic deer is expanded due to the warming tendency, as some of the arctic areas may be too cold for plants to grow（这个原因从句不该这么说，没有有效的支持你的主句的意思。主句是warming，那么从句也应当关注于warm的效果）. Unless there is substantial evidence that the habitat of the deer has decreased, it is doubtful whether its population will decline(时态).（这段最大的问题就是中心句，你的段落中心句说的是don't necessarily mean the decrease of sea ice,但是仅仅用了一句话来解释你的这个TS，马上就让步跑到论述植物生长的方面去了，可以说，从EVEN从句开始，就偏离了你的中心句，修改的方法有两个：1.改写你的中心句，让它能包括后面部分的内容；2.把Even 开始的东西，扩充一下，变成一个新的段落）

Finally, granted that the population of arctic deer is indeed declining, it is superficial to attribute this to global warming just because of the coincidence of their happening. There are many other possible explanations for the decline of the population of these deer. For example, if the hunters who live on hunting kill too many deer, the population may also decrease. Or perhaps the pollution of air and water in Canada has destroyed the environment in which arctic deer live. （这段依然是属于2个他因证明一切的论述方式，具体错误已经在你第一个BODY段最后指出了，不再重复说明。）

From what has been discussed above, we can safely draw a conclusion that although the editorial may have some truth, without taking account of the validity of the report, the influence of global warming on Canada's arctic region and the specific reason why the number of arctic deer in Canada possibly decline, we cannot regard the editorial as substantial.（结尾不改，个人习惯～）

lein2009UID：2628229

修改后，欢迎继续拍，谢谢。
TOPIC: ARGUMENT45 - The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.
"Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea."
WORDS: 364   

In the editorial, the author suggests a causal relationship between the decline of the population of Arctic deer in Canada’s arctic region and the deer’s being unable to follow their migration patterns. Besides, it is implied in the editorial is that the deer cannot follow their age-old migration patterns due to global warming. This editorial seems to be persuasive at first glance, after all, the tendency of global warming is almost known to all. However, there are several fallacies in the argument's logic we should seriously take into consideration.

In the first place, the report that the deer populations are declining is not as believable as the author of this editorial may think. As mentioned in the argument, the report comes from local hunters. Unfortunately, we are not informed the information on which such a report is based. Have these hunters collected enough information to make this statement substantial or is it just an impression from their hunting experience? It is not less possible that some deer just have moved out of their region which gives the hunters the opinion that the population has declined. Hunters are too close to see the whole situation clearly if their hunting is limited to a particular area.

Another point which undermines the editorial is that global warming doesn’t necessarily mean the deer’s being unable to continue their migration tradition. As is said in the argument that the deer's habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, it is also possible that the habitat of Arctic deer is extended due to the warming tendency, which is just opposite to the editorial. For example, plants can grow in some of the arctic areas which were too cold for them to grow before or the climate isn’t warm enough to melt the heavy ice layer covering the sea among different islands. Under such circumstance, the habitat of arctic deer will more possibly extend. Therefore, to buttress his argument, the author should provide more details of the meteorological conditions of Canada’s arctic region.

Finally, granted that the population of arctic deer is indeed declining, it is superficial to attribute this to their being unable to follow their migration tradition. There are many other possible explanations for the decline of the population of these deer. For example, if the hunters who live on hunting kill too many deer, the population may also decrease. Or perhaps the pollution of air and water in Canada has destroyed the environment in which arctic deer live. Unless these and other possibilities being ruled out, the argument is far from credible.

In sum, the editorial expresses concern for the reported decline of arctic deer in Canada’s arctic region. However, before a hasty conclusion is made, the author should pay more attention to the validity of the report, the influence of global warming on Canada's arctic region and the specific reason why the number of arctic deer in Canada possibly decline.