ARGUMENT240 求拍~全文第二天的超时之作 = =

kellyhoonlyUID: 2580691

TOPIC: ARGUMENT240 - The following appeared in a memo written by a dean at Buckingham College.

"To serve the housing needs of our students, Buckingham College should build a new dormitory. Buckingham's enrollment is growing and, based on current trends, should double over the next fifty years, thus making existing dormitories inadequate. Moreover, the average rent for an apartment in our town has increased in recent years. Consequently, students will find it increasingly difficult to afford off-campus housing. Finally, an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham."
WORDS: 430
TIME: 00:39:06
DATE: 2009/4/16 11:04:47


提纲：
1 现在录取人数在增长不代表以后一直增长
2 平均房价上涨不一定导致学生买不起校外的房子（通货膨胀或平均在涨BC周围没涨）
3 新宿舍不一定能吸引新学生（学生择校还有其他因素如学校总体水平，声誉，地址等）

The argument presented above is relatively cogent for arguing that in order to serve the housing needs of their students, Buckingham College should build a new dormitory. However, this argument is flawed in several critical respects, thus seems to me a ramshackle one needed to scrutiny.

To begin with, the arguer claims that since the current trends indicate that Buckingham's enrollment is growing, this trends will continue and ultimately leads to a double of enrollment over the next fifty years. However ,this assumption is unwarranted because background conditions rarely remain the same over extended period of time. To be specific, the changes of economic ,social and political climate as well as teaching level and reputation of Buckingham College would all contribution to the enrollment. Any of these scenarios, if true, would serve to undermine the claim that the trends of growing enrollment will continue over the next fifty years.

In addition, the causal relationship between an increasing average rent for an apartment in the town in recent years and student's difficulty of affording off-campus housing is unsubstantiated. No evidence is offered to support that this is the case. Firstly, it is entirely possible that the increase of average rent of an apartment is a sign of inflation, with both consumers' purchasing power and product prices going up. If this is true, then the assumption of students' failure to afford off-campus housing is unconvincing. Secondly, the increase of average rent for an apartment in the town does not necessarily mean that the rent of apartments around Buckingham College will rise. Perhaps it still remains the same or even falls down. Without ruling out such possibilities, the arguer cannot bolster the conclusion.

Moreover, the arguer claims that, new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham College. However, no evidence has been given ,such as a poll or a survey, to demonstrate that this is the case. Common sense tells us that there are a myriad of factors contributing to one student's choice of a school: the overall level of the faculty and students, reputation, location- to just a few possibilities. The arguer simply omits other factors and overestimate the function of a new dormitory, making the conclusion unreliable and premature.

In conclusion, the argument, while seems logical at first glance, is ill-conceived and poorly supported as it stands. To better evaluate the argument, it would be necessary to know the information of apartment rent around Buckingham College and students' opinions on building a new dormitory. Also useful would be any information about both the advantages and disadvantages of building such a new dormitory.、


欢迎砖头，柿子，白菜，胡萝卜，皮鞋（如果可以最好是两只~我39码~）！！多谢赐教哦！！

kellyhoonlyUID: 2580691

楼上这位童鞋是广告么……拜托别耽误人家正事……

原1楼广告已被砍掉 -- by irvine666

justdoit!UID: 2533175

To serve the housing needs of our students, Buckingham College should build a new dormitory.(the autor's conclusion) Buckingham's enrollment is growing and, based on current trends, ( there are many possible potential factors contributing to the decline of the enrollment during the next fifty years)should double over the next fifty years(unfair assumption), thus making existing(present,future) dormitories inadequate(based on the future prediction, considering today's affairs) . Moreover, the average rent for an apartment in our town has increased(the degree of the increase, and the price of the off-compus and the school dormitory) in recent years. Consequently(cause-effect? or other results), students will find it increasingly difficult to afford off-campus housing. Finally, an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham(why? there is no fundament to substantiate this assumption, let us think about other possible factors!)

justdoit!UID: 2533175

我分析一下，呵呵，

kellyhoonlyUID: 2580691

嗯~多谢~~很有参考价值！

justdoit!UID: 2533175

对了，还有个问题就是why the enrollment can increase? 这一点可以做文章，用来说例子的啊，比如：the author does not provide the concrete reason for the increasing enrollment. Thus, it is possible that the students pay more attention to the advanced facilities, yet, after 50 years, if the B cannot update the facilities, the enrollment of B may decline intsead of growing. 本人水平问题，其实还可以更具体点的！）

kellyhoonlyUID: 2580691

嗯~~谢谢指点~~
我的文章里好像有那个意思，就是说学生可能不看重你这个新宿舍。不过可能应该像你那样的具体说说~~

irvine666UID: 2575525

TOPIC: ARGUMENT240 - The following appeared in a memo written by a dean at Buckingham College.

"To serve the housing needs of our students, Buckingham College should build a new dormitory. Buckingham's enrollment is growing and, based on current trends, should double over the next fifty years, thus making existing dormitories inadequate. Moreover, the average rent for an apartment in our town has increased in recent years. Consequently, students will find it increasingly difficult to afford off-campus housing. Finally, an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham."
WORDS: 430
TIME: 00:39:06
DATE: 2009/4/16 11:04:47


提纲：
1 现在录取人数在增长不代表以后一直增长
2 平均房价上涨不一定导致学生买不起校外的房子（通货膨胀或平均在涨BC周围没涨）
3 新宿舍不一定能吸引新学生（学生择校还有其他因素如学校总体水平，声誉，地址等）
从提纲来看，没偏题，不过看起来跟网上通用的提纲库很像...

The argument presented above is relatively cogent for arguing that in order to serve the housing needs of their students, Buckingham College should build a new dormitory. However, this argument is flawed in several critical respects, thus （无主语，添it） seems to me a ramshackle one(这里语法错误) needed to scrutiny.

To begin with, the arguer claims that since the current trends indicate that Buckingham's enrollment is growing, this trends will continue and ultimately leads to a double of enrollment over the next fifty years. （你完全没有必要在段落的第一句来原封不动的重复Argument里面的话，ETS的老师比你熟悉的多。这种重复会给人一种故意凑字数的不良印象。你只需要说你想批的逻辑错误是什么就行了。比如To begin with, the current tendency of enrollment could hardly continue for fifty years.就足够表达你的意思了）However ,this assumption is unwarranted because background conditions rarely remain the same over extended period of time. To be specific, the changes of economic ,social and political climate as well as teaching level and reputation of Buckingham College would all contribution to the enrollment.（为什么你上面列的因素能够影响enrollment？你说能影响就能影响么？这里你需要大量的解释。当然如果考虑到限时情况下时间不多，怕解释不到位的话，就选1，2个最模糊的来解释，比如political climate。我的建议是：要把老米当弱智来看待！我敢于打赌，发散思维单纯，逻辑思维严谨的他们肯定不会明白political climate和enrollment有什么联系。这就需要你在后文详细的解释，比如：政治环境变化会直接导致A情况，A情况会直接导致B情况，B情况可能就会影响到enrollment云云，他们才看得懂。） Any of these scenarios, if true, would serve to undermine the claim that the trends of growing enrollment will continue over the next fifty years.（从这段和下文来看，模板化痕迹很重，我个人属于从来没用过也没背过模板的人，全靠给别人批文章来“学习模板”。我都觉得模板化重的，就属于大众近期都用烂的模板了。在这里提醒你一下，稍微小心一点雷同探测器那玩意，ETS因为怕麻烦现在对用烂的模板不一定给你0分，但是肯定不会超过3.5。）

In addition, the causal relationship between an increasing average rent for an apartment in the town in recent years and student's difficulty of affording off-campus housing is unsubstantiated. （同样存在罗嗦的问题）No evidence is offered to support that this is the case.(大家都知道是no evidence,但是你不能只靠no evidence来驳倒作者的论断。所以我一直认为这种类似的话就是典型的模板型废话(实际上，模板里面的话很多都是废话，因为只有废话才具有通用性，才能在多个A里面到处搬用。就像这个句子一样，随便哪个A里面的哪个段落都能用。)，多它不多，少它不少，唯一的作用就是拿来凑字数，建议在以后的文章中精简掉，把打字的时间来完善后文的逻辑。)  Firstly, it is entirely possible that the increase of average rent of an apartment is a sign of inflation, with both consumers' purchasing power and product prices going up. If this is true（与其扔这句套话出来，我倒是觉得你不如把inflation是如何影响那个causal relationship的说清楚）, then the assumption of students' failure（用词要注意准确） to afford off-campus housing is unconvincing. Secondly, the increase of average rent for an apartment in the town does not necessarily mean that the rent of apartments around Buckingham College will rise（与其照抄原文，不如精简提炼。给你个例子好了：Secondly, there might be opportunity that average situation could indicate no precise condition of a particular region）. Perhaps it still remains the same or even falls down. （论述很不充分，一个perhaps就能支持你的结论了？换位思考：如果这句话出现在作者的话里面，估计你绝对不会放过这个批驳点吧?）Without ruling out such possibilities, the arguer cannot bolster the conclusion.

Moreover, the arguer claims that, new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham College.（继续单调的照抄...不细说了，前面说的很多） However, no evidence has been given ,such as a poll or a survey, to demonstrate that this is the case. Common sense tells us that there are a myriad of factors contributing to one student's choice of a school: the overall level of the faculty and students, reputation, location- to just a few possibilities（你不觉得这段内容和你的第一个BODY段落重复了么～？）. The arguer simply omits other factors and overestimate the function of a new dormitory, making the conclusion unreliable and premature.

In conclusion, the argument, while seems logical at first glance, is ill-conceived and poorly supported as it stands. To better evaluate the argument, it would be necessary to know the information of apartment rent around Buckingham College and students' opinions on building a new dormitory. Also useful would be any information about both the advantages and disadvantages of building such a new dormitory.、（结尾不改，个人习惯～）

irvine666UID: 2575525

你的问题：
1.模板化过于严重
2.照抄原文也太多，这些照抄的话，完全没用，除了能惹起阅卷人的反感以外。
3.还有不少没有思想深度的论述，具体修改方法可以参照我在你第三段里面提出的建议例子～

kellyhoonlyUID: 2580691

9# irvine666

666亲……我看完你的批改我想死的心都有了……
22号就考了啊……我改怎么改正呢？模板全都抛弃？那我之前写的提纲也都不是很有用咯？郁闷……

irvine666UID: 2575525

不用沮丧的，我是按照5+的标准在批，这个东西最后结果主要取决于你的期望值和考场发挥，你可以稍微改一下文章结构，把可有可无的话删掉一些，趁这几天赶紧做点比较充实的“内容性句式”～
据说用模板拿到4的人也不少～
不过Argument从来就不是个简单的玩意，它上手难度很低的假象迷惑了很多人...

kellyhoonlyUID: 2580691

11# irvine666
内容性句式是什么意思呢？有没有一些例子？
还有~我正在改写这个~~可不可以再帮我看一下~挑出一个段落吧~就问题比较多的第三段好么~~谢谢谢谢啦~！！！


In addition, the casual relationship between an increasing average rent and the students' difficulty of affording off-campus housing is unsubstantiated.Firstly, there might be opportunity that average situation could indicate no precise condition of a particular region. It is highly possible that the rent in some other places increases dramatically because these places has developed rapidly, while the district where Buckingham locates is less developed and the rent of apartments there remains the same, or even falls down as a consequence of economic depression. Secondly, it is entirely possible that the increase in average rent is just a sign of inflation, which means that both consumers' purchasing power and prodect prices going up. If this is the case, the students would not feel difficulty in affording the off-campus housing since they have more money to spend, though the rent is increasing.

irvine666UID: 2575525

In addition, the casual relationship between an increasing average rent and the students' difficulty of affording off-campus housing is unsubstantiated.Firstly, there might be opportunity that average situation could indicate no precise condition of a particular region. It is highly possible that the rent in some other places increases dramatically because these places has developed rapidly, while the district where Buckingham locates is less developed and the rent of apartments there remains the same（这样很好）, or even falls down as a consequence of economic depression.（这里漏了一个总结分论点的话，因为光靠他因"it is highly possible..."实际上是属于发散论述，因此需要用一句话，比如therefore, blablabla，把它拉回你的总论点去） Secondly, （这里要加一句：Inflation as well, could lead to ...作为secondly分论点的总体TS）it is entirely possible that the increase in average rent is just a sign of inflation, which means that both consumers' purchasing power and prodect prices going up. If this is the case, the students would not feel difficulty in affording the off-campus housing since they have more money to spend, though the rent is increasing.

其实写A的段落就应当跟我们写高考的议论文一样，总论点--（论述）--分论点1--（论述+证据+总结归纳）--分论点2----（论述+证据+总结归纳）--结尾总结。你可以自己再去琢磨一下

kellyhoonlyUID: 2580691

哭了……终于明白点了~~谢谢666亲啊！！找人改作文果然很重要！！感觉自己瞬间进步啦~~呵呵
还需要多加练习呢~~我会努力的~~
亲不介意的话~~可不可以说说ISSUE的建议？（得寸进尺的家伙……嘿嘿）

irvine666UID: 2575525

我的ISSUE思维实在是很另类，比如你可以看看这篇...
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=936235&highlight=
实在不清楚ETS是否会欣赏我这种逻辑和行文方式，因此在AW成绩出来之前我不打算误人子弟～