ARGUMENT25 两个城市对比 求拍

WLaNaUID：2466128

Argu 25.The following appeared in a memo fromthe mayor of the town of Hopewell

Two years ago, the town of Ocean View builta new municipal golf course and resort hotel. During the past two years,tourism in Ocean View has increased, new businesses have opened there, and OceanView’s tax revenues have risen by 30 percent. The best way to improve Hopewell’seconomy, and generate additional tax revenues, is to build a golf course andresort hotel similar to those in Ocean View.



450words/30min
April 18, 2009

In the memo, the mayor recommends that thetown of Hopewell should build a golf course and resort hotel similar to thosein the town of Ocean View, in order to improve Hopewell's economy and generateadditional tax revenues. However, as he lies his conclusion mostly on a comparisonwith the Ocean View and it suffers from several logical flaws, therecommendation fails to be grounded.

Most importantly, as the mayor's purpose isto improve Hopewell's economy and generate additional tax revenues, perhapswhat he should do is not simply to use the experience of other towns but toobserve Hopewell's situation and then make a plan; after all, the experience ofother towns, such as Ocean View, cannot be necessarily useful in Hopewellbecause they have different situations. The mayor says that the golf course andthe resort hotel were built in order to enhance tourism in Ocean View, andperhaps Hopewell did not have the conditions to develop tourism, like beautifulscenery or cultural relics. On the contrary, what is possible is that Hopewellmay be suitable to develop industry or agriculture and thus improve Hopewell'seconomy.

Moreover, even if the experience can alsobe used in Hopewell, the mayor fails to prove that the economic increase inOcean View had connection with the golf course and the resort hotel. Firstly,the mayor offers no evidence to justify that the golf course and resort hotelreally had impact on the tourism. The increase in the tourism was notnecessarily brought about by these two constructions. Maybe the government putmore advertisement than before to improve the tourism or maybe it was justbecause the businesses had opened there and then people were willing to go toOcean View to go shopping. Secondly, there was also high possibility that thenew businesses and high tax revenues were not caused by the tourism but by someother factors. For example, the government enacted some policies to get moreinvestment two years ago and it really worked; or the high tax revenues werethe simple result of a higher tax policy than before. All in all, withoutruling out some factors that could also influence the economy, it is too hastyto assert that the economic increase in Ocean View was affected by the golfcourse and the resort hotel.

To sum up, I think the mayor puts too muchemphasis on some details and overlooks some essential factors to improve theeconomy of the town. Perhaps a survey of the town's advantages anddisadvantages is firstly needed, and then, according to it, the mayor shouldmake some policies that are fit to the economic situation in the town.

WLaNaUID：2466128

啊，不知道为什么从word上粘贴过来的时候很多空格消失了……

zfzfzfzflnUID：2589335

进步好大啊!呵呵,我没时间了,等我考完才给你看吧
加油!

irvine666UID：2575525

Argu 25.The following appeared in a memo from the mayor of the town of Hopewell

Two years ago, the town of Ocean View built a new municipal golf course and resort hotel. During the past two years, tourism in Ocean View has increased, new businesses have opened there, and OceanView’s tax revenues have risen by 30 percent. The best way to improve Hopewell’s economy, and generate additional tax revenues, is to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View.



450words/30min
April 18, 2009

In the memo, the mayor recommends that the town of Hopewell should build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in the town of Ocean View, in order to improve Hopewell's economy and generate additional tax revenues. However, as he lies his conclusion mostly on a comparison with the Ocean View（comparison的比较对象你只交代了一个） and it suffers from several logical flaws, there commendation fails to be grounded.

Most importantly, as the mayor's purpose is to improve Hopewell's economy and generate additional tax revenues, perhaps what he should do is not simply to use the experience of other towns but to observe Hopewell's situation and then make a plan;(这个中心句过于长了，而且很不到位，你这段的内容是讨论地区差异类比，那你就直接说你的意思，越明确越好。比如simply using the experience of Ocean View might not be a wise measure.接下来在下文再补充你的观点。) after all, the experience of other towns, such as Ocean View, cannot be necessarily useful in Hopewell because they have different situations. The mayor says that the golf course and the resort hotel were built in order to（OV不是为了振兴经济才建的，作者的意思是说建了以后经济就发展。属于典型的时间推导因果关系错误。） enhance tourism in Ocean View, and perhaps Hopewell did not have the conditions to develop tourism, like beautiful scenery or cultural relics. On the contrary, what is possible is that(你不嫌罗嗦的...后面还再附上个may) Hopewell may be suitable to develop industry or agriculture and thus improve Hopewell's economy.（这一段最大的问题是结构混乱。首先起始句长的要命，意思却表达的很不精确，让人无法在短时间内了解你的想法。其次是对你的重点问题：为什么不能copy experience，却仅仅一句话perhaps Hopewell did not have the conditions to develop tourism带过，既不详细也无说服力，时刻记住你的Argument是为了说服判卷人，写作的时候就要把自己当成是ETS，不断的想：这些理由够说服他们么？最后，on the contrary后面的东西都是你自己的建议，有建议当然是可以的，但是你忘记了你写这篇文章的目的是驳斥而不是提建议。实际上，所有的建议都是属于延伸性评论，换句话说，就是导致可能偏题的评论。因此对你的建议，应当在所有的文章段落都结束以后，倒数第二段里面来总体说一下，而不是放在你的论证段里面搅浑你的文章结构。）

Moreover, even if the experience can also be used in Hopewell, the mayor fails to prove that the economic increase in Ocean View had connection with the golf course and the resort hotel.（这个让步属于逻辑颠倒。作者提出采用OV的方法，是因为他认为OV采用此法获得了成功。因此逻辑段落安排应当是：1.OV不一定能成功，2.即使成功也不能再H采用；而不是：1.OV方法不能再H采用；2.即使可以采用，也不一定在OV成功。这里可以看出你明显把这个关系给搞反了。） Firstly,the mayor offers no evidence to justify that the golf course and resort hotel really had impact on the tourism（no evidence这种话属于典型的废话句，随便哪个A哪个段落反正都能用。换位思考：如果某人用no evidence来批你的文章，你觉得可信么？你见过多少5，6分官方范文上来就是no evidence? 这种话，多它不多，少它不少，除了用来凑字数，一点内容都没有。我建议你删掉。）. The increase in the tourism was not necessarily brought about by these two constructions. Maybe the government put more advertisement than before to improve the tourism or maybe it was just because the businesses had opened there and then people were willing to go to Ocean View to go shopping. Secondly, there was also high possibility that the new businesses and high tax revenues were not caused by the tourism but by some other factors. For example, the government enacted some policies to get more investment two years ago and it really worked; or the high tax revenues were the simple result of a higher tax policy than before.（你是怎么知道的？A里面的他因，绝对要避免陈述语气，所有的一切，都仅仅是你的推测） All in all, without ruling out some factors that could also influence the economy, it is too hasty to assert that the economic increase in Ocean View was affected by the golf course and the resort hotel.（段落结构还是很清晰的）

To sum up, I think the mayor puts too muchemphasis on some details and overlooks some essential factors to improve theeconomy of the town. Perhaps a survey of the town's advantages anddisadvantages is firstly needed, and then, according to it, the mayor shouldmake some policies that are fit to the economic situation in the town.（结尾不改，个人习惯）

WLaNaUID：2466128

4# irvine666

先谢过666的批改……想说一下我的想法

1 关于让步的倒置问题，我是细细考虑过才这样安排的。我知道正确的让步应该是先2后1，但是我以为我段落安排中的1问题更加根本，因为对于一个希望改善市内经济的市长来讲，最根本的问题不是在于邻近城市怎样怎样，而是在于找到自己的路。就这么一个意思……但是在两段衔接的时候，有一点担心，怕段落间缺乏联系啊什么的，故意加了那么一个错误的让步……而且我反而觉得有点道理，就算俩城市有可比性，但是那个市长的证据不充分，所以不能证明ow那边就是因为高尔夫球场和宾馆带来的繁荣，所以有可比性也用不到这条经验上去，也许可能用一点别的经验嘛。就这么一感觉。
真的不可行的话，想问一下，如果我就想先1后2，把重点问题拿出来说的话，怎样过渡呢？

2 关于我第一段里的on the contrary，666说那是我的建议，其实我不是这么想的……我的意思是那是tourism的他因啊……不一定发展旅游业，因为没什么景物好看，但也许hopewell适合发展工业什么的……引起了好大误解……sigh