5.6月份 cracking ibt essay! 小组写作组 annazjy 第3次作业

annazjyUID: 2630173

童鞋们，请举起你们的大手拍我吧。
Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Letting a friend make a mistake is better than saying or doing something that may destroy the friendship. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Friend is the best treasure God gives us. No matter how old are we, we all have friends in our lives. They may have different characters, some are optimism and enthusiasm, and some are independent. In this regard, may I ask you a question? Do you ever think what kind of characters a real friend should own? In my view, a real friend should say or do something to help his/her friends avoid making mistakes, even if destroying their friendships.

First of all, we always face many choices and challenges in our daily lives and sometimes we do not know how to choose and what to do or we may do something wrong which may lead to big mistake. At this time, our friends play a very important role in assisting us to do the right choice. I will cite my example to support this. When I was in high school, one of my best friends was addicted to computer game. One day, he told us he wanted to take part in a computer game competition, but he did not have enough money to pay the fees of this competition, so he was going to steal his parents’ money. We all felt shock and said:” you should tell your desire to your parents, maybe they would let you go.” After hearing what we said, he was mad at us and left school. After few days, he came back to school with smile, he told us his parents supported him and he won a prize. So, being a real friend, we should say or do something when our friends lost themselves.

Secondly, what a real friend do for us can let us know ourselves better. Our old friends know our habits and personalities as well as what we like and what we hate. For example, I fought with my classmate and quitted my duty as monitor when I was in university. My best friend took my duty back and told me I should not do that and I should try my best to do it. I was angry with her at that time, because I did not think I have the ability to being a good monitor. However, the fact turned out she was right. I did it well and it was a wholesome experience for me.

Lastly, as friends, we should help each other, this means we should say or do something to make our friends becoming mature and doing less wrong things which would ruin their lives. If the only way we keep the friendships is pleasing them without saying “NO” or doing something. We are not their friends at all.

我觉得这篇有点难写，不知道说点什么好，请指点，谢谢

yievenUID: 2324451

Friend is the best treasure God gives us. No matter how old are we(we are), we all have friends in our lives. They may have different characters, some are optimism and enthusiasm(optimistic and enthusiastic[用形容词。]), and some are independent. In this regard, may I ask you a question? Do you ever think what kind of characters a real friend should own(have即可。own做动词更有占有的意思。)? In my view, a real friend should say or do something to help his/her friends avoid making mistakes, even if destroying their friendships. [观点不错。]

First of all, we always face many choices and challenges in our daily lives and sometimes we do not know how to choose and what to do or we may do something wrong which may lead to big mistakes. At this time, our friends play a very important role in assisting us to do(make)
the right choice. I will cite my example to support this. When I was in high school, one of my best friends was addicted to computer game. One day, he told us he wanted to take part in a computer game competition, but he did not have enough money to pay the fees of this competition, so he was going to steal his parents’ money. We all felt shocked and said:” you should tell your desire(plan. desire用在这里不好。) to your parents, maybe they would let you go.” After hearing what we said, he was mad at us and left school. After a few days, he came back to school with smile,(.) he told us his parents supported him and he won a prize.[He told his parents and they supported him. What’s more, he finally won a prize.] So, being a real friend, we should say or do something when our friends lost themselves.

Secondly, what a real friend do for us can let us know ourselves better. Our old friends know our habits and personalities as well as what we like and what we hate. For example, I fought with my classmate and quitted my duty as monitor when I was in university. My best friend took my duty back(???) and told me I should not do that and I should try my best to do it. I was angry with her at that time, because I did not think I have the ability to(of) being a good monitor. However, the fact turned out she was right. I did it well and it was a wholesome(??precious??[你想表达什么？wholesome：有益健康的]) experience for me.

Lastly, as friends, we should help each other, this means we should say or do something to make our friends becoming mature and doing less wrong things which would ruin their lives. If the only way we keep the friendships is pleasing them without saying “NO” or doing something. We(, we[主句还没出现呢，别急着用句号]) are not their friends at all.

观点不错。论证的时候有例子。条理也较清晰。
注意一下句子结构完整和标点符号。

llacatUID: 2628715

Friend is the best treasure God gives us. No matter how old are we(we are), we all have friends in our lives. They may have different characters, some are optimism and enthusiasm, and some are independent. In this regard, may I ask you a question?(这句话太口语了，建议和后面一句合并为一个复杂句) Do you ever think what kind of characters a real friend should own? In my view, a real friend should say or do something to help his/her friends avoid making mistakes, even if （it will ）destroying (destroy)their friendships.:
第一段不错，简洁直接的提出了论点。不过我觉得里面的那句例子有点和题目不搭，是不是可以改成和朋友指出错误相关的例子呢？

First of all, we always face many choices and challenges in our daily lives and sometimes we do not know how to choose and what to do or we may do something wrong which may lead to big mistake. At this time, our friends play a very important role in assisting us to do the right choice.（建议把这两句话颠倒下说，先提出你的第一个理由，然后再解释，这样更有条理性.） I will cite my example to support this. When I was in high school, one of my best friends was addicted to computer game. One day, he told us he wanted to take part in a computer game competition, but he did not have enough money to pay the fees of this competition, so he was going to steal his parents’ money. We all felt shock and said:” you should tell your desire to your parents, maybe they would let you go.” After hearing what we said, he was mad at us and left school. After few days, he came back to school with smile, he told us his parents supported him and he won a prize. So, being a real friend, we should say or do something when our friends lost themselves.

这段比较有说服力，有开头句也有与之相呼应的结尾句，结构都很完整。但是感觉所举得例子有点简单，可能和用的词跟句型比较简单有关，建议可以在写的过程中适当插入些高级词汇和句型。

Secondly, what a real friend do for us can let us know ourselves better. Our old friends know our habits and personalities as well as what we like and what we hate. For example, I fought with （这个词好像多半是战斗的意思吧，可以改成quarrel）my classmate and quitted my duty as monitor when I was in university. My best friend took my duty back and told me I should not do that and I should try my best to do it.（一句话里用两次and,显得有点累赘，建议去掉I should not do that,改成个长句或复杂句） I was angry with her at that time, because I did not think I have the ability to being a good monitor. However, the fact turned out she was right. I did it well and it was a wholesome（用词不对，建议改成beneficial） experience for me.

第二次用自己的经历做论据，是不是有点单调？结尾的地方应该补齐结论句，和开头的论点相呼应，这样才会显得结构完整有逻辑。

Lastly, as friends, we should help each other, this means we should say or do something to make our friends becoming mature and doing less wrong things which would ruin their lives.（ruin lives 太绝对了吧？） If the only way we keep the friendships is pleasing them without saying “NO” or doing something. We are not their friends at all
这段的论点太简单了，应该再展开写几句才比较充分饱满。
而且最后怎么没有结尾段呢？

总体来说，这篇文章的三个分论点还都蛮有逻辑性的，值得借鉴学习！不足之处在于：整体用词和句型都属于简单类，没有看到什么亮点的词或句；三段之间的连接模板痕迹很重，最好不要用这么普通的连接词。最后，少了结尾段和让步的反面分析，这个如果在考试中应该可以算是个硬伤了！以后一定要补上最后的结论段哈！建议作者平时多读范文以增加积累;，多 ，