0910AW 同主题写作第一期 ISSUE13 by nlhust（批改 by 草木也知愁）

nlhustUID：2404239

ISSUE13 - "Many of the world's lesser-known languages are being lost asfewer and fewer people speak them. The governments of countries in which these languages are spoken should act to prevent such languagesfrom becoming extinct."


Language is the greatest distinctionbetween humanity and other mammal animals because it enables human toexchange complex ideas and develop logical thinking. It plays animportant role in the evolutional history of human society. People indifferent areas use different languages to communicate and write downtheir own stories and history for thousands of years. But now, with therapid development of technology and economy, situation changes. Thoughbeing been listed as intangible culture heritage, thousand kinds oflesser-known language are still endangered, and even worse, severalindigenous languages have already been extinct, just like what happenedin Australia.

With the disappearing of languages may comes(come) the diminishment of cultures.  Using the tool of language, our ancestors expressed their feelings orally, recorded their everyday life as well as their knowledge about the universe, and created poet(poem),novels, and other performing arts. Through years of accumulation, everynation with a unique language has a rich culture heritage. However,once a kind of language (a language) is extinct (可以用dies), we will lose the culture belonging to it forever,(感觉这里用belong to 不合适，改成  the culture it carries) since nobody could explain the meaning of it any more.（这个地方有歧义，这里it指代language，不知道会不会有指代不清之嫌。另外the meaning of language 似乎更加偏向于指语言的意义、重要性，这里想说的是语言所表达的意思，改成 understand the content of this language any more。） We now could study the philosophy of Plato and Aristotle because Greek still exists.But what if Greek had disappeared before the theory of those greatphilosophers were translated into another language? Sometimes, eventranslation could not help us to preserve a certain aspect of a culturewhen its language is lost, as for language, it is a universal principlethat each language has its unique phrases and expressions that could neverbe replaced. The translation of Chinese poetry into English demonstrates this point. （这里可以改一下，使得sometimes这一小段更好的为TS服务。Thus，we could hardly find an appropriate method to maintain this kind of culture without its own language.）

If these endangered languages are extinct（感觉这里用are extinct所表达的意思不太对劲，这个表示的是一个状态吧，而我是想表达一个动态过程，换成 die ） finally, people who are(去掉) the native speakers of such lesser-known language will also lose their social identity. The culture extinction accompanies with the languages extinction. (加个连词吧 Therefore) The loss of language equals to the loss of culture identity. Since it is the language and culture that help people define themselves（前面应该是language and culture,那么可以用 it is 吗？如果不能用，那该怎么说呢？先回避一下这个问题，改成 since language and culture help people define themselves ）, those, losing their mother tongue, could hardly find their status in the society. Some Australian aborigines are such victims. The invasion of British colonizer seriously diminished the number of Australian indigenous language, leaving lots of native children speaking only English. When growing up, these Australian find they are disdained by native English speakers and also hard to get alone with the older generations who are the native indigenous language speakers. Without their own language, how could these people tell what（which） nation they belong to?

Thus, in order to protect their culture as well as help their citizens win the social status,（可以用win搭配吗？改成raise the social status） governments of countries which the endangered languages are spoken should do something (take measures) to prevent their own languages from disappearing. They should do these because it is urgent to preserve the lesser-known culture right now（这个理由说了等于没说，去掉，直接接第二个理由） , and（去掉） the government is designed to make the decision(decisions) that will benefit its citizens and (,) improve the economy as well as (, and) popularize the nation's culture. What's more,having the power to distribute (of distributing) the national fund, only government could get enough money and human resources and then accomplish such a mission.

Some may argue that the endangered lesser-known languages don't（are not） worthy of this kind of the government's protection, as fewer languages means better and clearer communications among the majority of speakers and could accelerate the development of economy. But the loss of the diversity of languages will damage the culture variety, and to some extent, it may limited（limit） people's thoughts. No fresh ideas coming about(应该不能这么说，改成 bringing in) might lead to the stop of social development, not mention to accelerate（not to mention accelerating） the global economy. Therefore, preserving their lesser-known language and promoting the communication of different culture might be the optimal choice for the governments.

草木也知愁UID：2487572

mark一下 明天来改

ISSUE13 - "Many of the world's lesser-known languages are being lost as fewer and fewer people speak them. The governments of countries in which these languages are spoken should act to prevent such languages from becoming extinct."


Language is the greatest distinction between（没有这个搭配的，教你一招，下回如果觉得别扭或者拿不准的时候，就去把词组Google一下，看搜索结果就行了） humanity（the human race应该更好一些） and other mammal（为啥要哺乳动物捏？） animals because（刚上来可以拽拽文，because太日常化了，用个for the reason that感觉比这个好） it enables human to exchange complex ideas（要是说搭配的话，有explains complex ideas） and (V to, and两边并列结构) develop logical thinking. It plays an important role in the evolutional history of human society（不是很清楚你这个在说啥，词组的话这三个都比较常见：the evolution of the human 、human evolution、Evolution of societies）. People in different areas use different languages to communicate and write down their own stories and history for thousands of years. But now, with the rapid development of technology and economy, situation changes. Though being been listed as intangible culture heritage, thousand kinds of lesser-known language are still endangered, and even worse, several indigenous languages have already been extinct, just like what happened in Australia. （整体来说，这后半段让我感觉从事态和单复数上有些乱，虽然单个的用法没有问题，但是合并到一起，就给读者一种凌乱的感觉，没有句间的时态统筹。还有就是，这整整一段都是在做一个background information，其实从行文角度，BI用一句经过信息压缩后的话就足够了。过多过散的背景阐述，影响文章的简洁程度，同时也会遮蔽隐藏你文章的thesis statement，让读者很难把握你的思维主线）

With the disappearing of languages may come the diminishment of cultures.  Using the tool of language, our ancestors expressed their feelings orally, recorded their everyday life as well as their knowledge about the universe, and created poem,novels, and other performing arts.（这句话，很多容易忽视到的语法点都重视到而且做好了，从备考初期。但是还是和上面那段一样，感觉时态、单复数的一个句子间统筹有一些不协调，可能也是我最近比较脑残的缘故吧~不过此句展的有些太开了，这个也是一个大家写作文都爱做事，铺陈开，先社会，再祖先把话题做得很有宏伟感觉。但是，现在我们的语言驾驭力还很难用一篇ISSUE的字数维护好过大的框架。从小处切入题目，以小见大，去回避掉我们非英语母语的劣势） Through years of accumulation, everynation with a unique language has a rich culture heritage（这句话，一般看到都会有一个 i don't think so的反应，作为一篇去说服别人的文章，尤其在说服的过程中，尽量回避使rater出现反驳或者不认同的灵感。analytical的文章做得有意境了，是有一个催眠的效果的，让rater一路很happy的赞同下去，到了最后他发现他完全同意了你，不给你高分还要给谁捏？rater判卷并非对所有作文都是一扫而过，他们会仔细读可以吸引他们的文章的，这些文字凤毛麟角，高分也是。既然你的基础上已经有实力了，可以试试）. However,once a language dies, we will lose the culture it carries forever, since nobody could understand the content of this language any more（本段ts）. We now could study the philosophy of Plato and Aristotle because Greek still exists.But what if Greek had disappeared before the theory of those great philosophers were translated into another language? Sometimes, even translation could not help to preserve a certain aspect of a culture when its language is lost, as for language, it is a universal principle that each language has its unique phrases and expressions that could never be replaced（句子，力从简洁，除非不得不增加信息量的时候要把句子做长，其他时候，尽量不要写过长的句子。像这个，在“lost, as”的地方，足够可以用句号的。长句读起来很累，而且会有run-on sentence之嫌）. The translation of Chinese poetry into English demonstrates this point（单单放上这句不是很好，最好做一下扩展，也就是illustration。单独的例子是没有效果，一定要做一下和题目的关联，总之，永远记住，每次放出一个新东西，都要进行阐述。rater不一定能懂你这个汉译英的差别的）. Thus，we could hardly find an appropriatemethod to maintain this kind of culture without its own language.

从以上看，你的基础语法是不错的，所以下面我尽量多给你改思路和文法上的

If these endangered languages finally die, the native speakers of such lesser-known language will also lose their social identity. （这里有个思路上的问题，就是语言和其载体出现滑坡的先后顺序，这一点我觉得如果说想要说服别人的话，应该把逻辑关系反过来，也就是载体先不行的，然后才是语言。还有就是对于ISSUE的topic中的主要逻辑点，最好在每段都有涉及而且大方向要一致。这段你主要说的是语言与其载体，和题目中政府对濒危语种的保护而言，有些大了，最好向政府保护那里细化一些）The（我觉得去掉更通顺些） culture extinction accompanies with the（同上） languages extinction.  Therefore，the loss of language equals to the loss of culture identity（呃，这两句话有点啰嗦了，简洁些~）. Since language and culture help people define themselves,those, losing their mother tongue, could hardly find their status inthe society（感觉还是对topic sentence换一种表达法的陈述，最好能加深论述下）. Some Australian aborigines are such victims. The invasion of British colonizer seriously diminished the number of Australianindigenous language, leaving lots of native children speaking only English. When growing up, these Australian find they are disdained bynative English speakers and also hard to get alone with the oldergenerations who are the native indigenous language speakers.（例子的释放，最好精简有力，不要过多，点到为止即可） Withouttheir own language, how could these people tell which nation they belong to?（例子的重要性是去让读者更加理解你的论点，所以例子之后的切题阐述尤为重要，去好好做做吧）

Thus, in order to protect their culture as well as help their citizens raise the social status, governments of countries which the endangered languages are spoken should take measures to prevent their own languages from disappearing. （句子有些run-on，不过大概意思我还是理解的，这里主要说一下论点的说服性吧，我觉得这个论点还是偏弱的，不足以让rater去接受，没有什么outstanding的。最好能深挖一下政府职能以及保护的利害平衡，避免太大的切入点，不多说了，省的限制住你的思维）They should do these because the government is designed to make decisions that will benefit its citizens, improve the economy, andpopularize the nation's culture（有些空，而且说的这些，容易被挑刺，多做模糊化处理，比如“绝大多数会”就比“是”要弱化很多被反驳的可能。你可以看一下这个：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-967760-1-2.html）. What's more,having the power of distributing the national fund, only government could get enough money and human resources and then accomplish such a mission（罗列一个小论点，没有展开说，其实如果从经济如说，可以拓展和大一片战场的，自己深入想一下~）.

Some may argue that the endangered lesser-known languages are not worthy of this kind of the government's protection, as fewer languagesmeans better and clearer communications among the majority of speakersand could accelerate the development of economy（嘿嘿 这个句子语法成分很清晰，而且没有多绕，所以尽量考虑断成简单句。太长的句子，自己读的会很清楚，但别人读会累的）. But the loss of the diversity of languages will damage the culture variety, and to someextent, it may limit people's thoughts（这句是topic sentence吧，里面灌注了比较多的ideas，其实这些都是很好的入手点，不过想要都说明白，不容易的）. No fresh ideas bringing in might lead to the stop of social development, not to mention acceleratingthe global economy（说理没有问题，但是务必要把理说透。其实这个是最麻烦的了，因为任何人自己理解一个东西很简单，但是很难把别人也说懂，所以务必在写文章的时候时刻想着读者的思维有没有跟你走，有没有被拖拽着往前走或者云里雾里的感觉）. Therefore, preserving their lesser-known languageand promoting the communication of different culture might be theoptimal choice for the governments(其实你最后点出的这个government在前面都没有很契合的给出，所以段落是有偏颇的，重点关键词的反复点出是很重要的一个行文要点).

文章到了后半段，论证和用词上都看出了松懈，这个问题大家开始的时候都会有。逐渐熟练并且通过大量练习之后，会纠正的。

整体思路对于government这一点 论述不够 缺乏深度 这样的文章 可能能满足一个一般的分数 但是如果想追求高分 还是要去多多深入分析的

基础语法没有问题 不过有的时候从语感角度来看 感觉有的句子别扭 这个可能是我最近脑残的原因吧 不过你在写的时候 也要尽力去保证一个文章整体的连贯性

文法 也就是effective writting还需要好好去掌握一下

词汇上 挺好的 如果有余力 可以去拓展一下深度

多想多练吧 从你的基础和用心程度来看 最后拿到一个好成绩是没有问题的！ 加油！

nlhustUID：2404239

首先，谢谢草木版主帮忙修改这篇习作，下面进入正题。

看到草木改的第一段，我都恨不得找个地缝钻下去了。。貌似第一段里就没什么没问题的地方。。给别人改作文时挺挑剔的，可轮到自己，却写出这样的。。而且还没好好的自行修改，惭愧啊。。

于是趁着草木休息的时间把自己的文章结合组里同学的一些意见重新看了看，嗯，一看吓一跳，发现了n多基本问题。。幸好幸好，要是被草木改的时候看到了，我恐怕就要被冠以对自己的文章、对他人的劳动不负责任的人了，反正，对自己文章后面的部分进行了修改，重发了上来给草木修改，免得草木改得直接郁闷掉了。。

为方便草木修改，在下面贴上改后习作的后半部分（为保持版主修改的完整性，第一段我就先不改了，而且也困了。。）：

With the disappearing of languages may come the diminishment of cultures.  Using the tool of language, our ancestors expressed their feelings orally, recorded their everyday life as well as their knowledge about the universe, and created poem,novels, and other performing arts. Through years of accumulation, everynation with a unique language has a rich culture heritage. However,once a language dies, we will lose the culture it carries forever, since nobody could understand the content of thislanguage any more. We now could study the philosophy of Plato and Aristotle because Greek still exists.But what if Greek had disappeared before the theory of those greatphilosophers were translated into another language? Sometimes, eventranslation could not help to preserve a certain aspect of a culturewhen its language is lost, as for language, it is a universal principlethat each language has its unique phrases and expressions that could neverbe replaced. The translation of Chinese poetry into English demonstrates this point. Thus，we could hardly find an appropriatemethod to maintain this kind of culture without its own language.

If these endangered languages finally die, the native speakers of such lesser-known language will also lose their social identity. The culture extinction accompanies with the languages extinction.  Therefore，the loss of language equals to the loss of culture identity. Since language and culture help people define themselves,those, losing their mother tongue, could hardly find their status inthe society. Some Australian aborigines are such victims. The invasionof British colonizer seriously diminished the number of Australianindigenous language, leaving lots of native children speaking onlyEnglish. When growing up, these Australian find they are disdained bynative English speakers and also hard to get alone with the oldergenerations who are the native indigenous language speakers. Withouttheir own language, how could these people tell which nation they belongto?

Thus, in order to protect their culture as well as help their citizens raise the social status, governments of countries which the endangered languages are spoken should take measures to prevent their own languages from disappearing. They should do these because the government is designed to make decisions that will benefit its citizens, improve the economy, andpopularize the nation's culture. What's more,having the power of distributing the national fund, only government could get enough moneyand human resources and then accomplish such a mission.

Some may argue that the endangered lesser-known languages are not worthy of this kind of the government's protection, as fewer languagesmeans better and clearer communications among the majority of speakersand could accelerate the development of economy. But the loss of thediversity of languages will damage the culture variety, and to someextent, it may limit people's thoughts. No fresh ideas bringing in might lead to the stop of social development, not to mention acceleratingthe global economy. Therefore, preserving their lesser-known languageand promoting the communication of different culture might be theoptimal choice for the governments.