0910G[North America Flying] Issue13全文 by jamesg

jamesgUID: 2644157

It is true that many world's lesser-known languages have been put into oblivion by those who use common languages in business, such as English, French and Chinese. As a result, the attention, which should be paid in order to preserve those vanishing languages, is not well addressed. Fortunately, the more civilized people are, the more they are willing to devote in protecting their culture. Thus, it is not only those local governments' task, but also the duty of whole societies and all the inhabitants on this planet.

First, I want to state that these languages are not as useless as they seem to be. A language always subjects to a specific culture contains certain cultural elements. And the influence of cultural transmutation is never wiped away during the evolution of itself. For example, the continuing study of ancient Egyptian gives people unending clue of the magnificent empire in history. If such ancient hieroglyph has disappeared long ago, then we are certainly desperate because the mysteries of the ancient empire can never be deciphered since there are merely several pyramids standing in the desert. Other languages on the edge of extinction play the same role in the diversity of human culture. Thus they must be protected from extinction.

Secondly, as I mentioned at the beginning, the only efforts of local governments
are definitely insufficient. Locals always have the propellents to preserve their own culture, including their native language. But it is always the force outside their hometown that compels them to abstain the culture that breeds them, and such force sometimes is invincible. For example, the native Indians found helpless while they were facing the intruders of the first immigrants from Europe. It was the president Roosevelt's last call of passing the law of reunion of the Indians, that ameliorated the almost extinction human specie. It is a vivid example that under such circumstance, the government is incompetent to defend their cultural sovereignty, let alone the language they spoke.

Thirdly, as it is argued above, outsiders of these countries in which lesser-known languages are spoken, must not extend their profit-gain programs to these countries, unless those programs or acts are wholly unoffending to the integrity of local culture. Non-profit programs that in willing of restore and protect them should be operating freely without any obstacles by both sides. Only through this constructive method, can we helpfully prevent the tragedy happens.

In sum, we are living in a diversified world of different cultures, and cannot tolerate the extinction of any specific human culture. Because it would be a failure of human wisdom, if that really happens.

vikki_baifnUID: 2618941

色彩说明：
可商榷的表达
鲜明的逻辑线索
值得学习的词汇
闪光句型和语词
需进一步商讨的表达

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It is true that many world's lesser-known languages （是不是放到这里用 in the world 更好些？）have been put into oblivion （相关用法……be buried in oblivion 被人们忘掉
fall into oblivion 渐为(世人)忘却; 湮没无闻
sink into oblivion 渐为(世人)忘却; 湮没无闻
pass into oblivion 渐为(世人)忘却; 湮没无闻）by those who use common languages in business, such as English, French and Chinese. As a result, the attention, which should be paid in order to preserve those vanishing languages, is not well addressed. Fortunately, the more civilized people are, the more they are willing to devote in protecting their culture. Thus, it is not only those local governments' task, but also the duty of whole societies and all the inhabitants on this planet.

First, I want to state that （过于主观的表达，在英语里似乎不太受欢迎）these languages are not as useless as they seem to be. A language always subjects to a specific culture contains（前面加 WHICH 吧~ 一个句子不能同时出现两个动词） certain cultural elements. And the influence of cultural transmutation is never wiped away during the evolution of itself. For example, the continuing study of ancient Egyptian gives people unending clue of the magnificent empire in history. If such ancient hieroglyph has disappeared long ago, then we are certainly desperate because the mysteries of the ancient empire can never be deciphered since there are merely several pyramids standing in the desert. Other languages on the edge of extinction play the same role in the diversity of human culture. Thus they must be protected from extinction.

Secondly, as I mentioned at the beginning, the only efforts of local governments
are definitely insufficient. Locals always have the propellents to preserve their own culture, including their native language. But it is always the force outside their hometown that compels them to abstain the culture that breeds them, and such force sometimes is invincible. For example, the native Indians found helpless while they were facing the intruders of the first immigrants from Europe. It was the president Roosevelt's last call of passing the law of reunion of the Indians, （貌似可以省略滴，后面还有that）that ameliorated the almost extinction human specie(到目前为止没有见过这种搭配……“人类种群”么？ 不确定滴说……). It is a vivid example that under such circumstance, the government is incompetent to defend their cultural sovereignty, let alone the language they spoke（两个谓语了哦）.

Thirdly（据专业作文老师的建议，Firstly, Secendly,Thirdly 如果换成To begin with, Moreover, Furthermore 等，会更好。不久前刚学到的，分享下~）, as it is argued above, outsiders of these countries （是否可以直接用 foreigners 呢？）in which lesser-known languages are spoken, must not extend their profit-gain programs to these countries, unless those programs or acts are wholly unoffending to the integrity of local culture. Non-profit programs that in willing of restore and protect them should be operating freely without any obstacles by both sides. Only through this constructive method, can we helpfully prevent the tragedy happens.(倒装句式，shine~)

In sum, we are living in a diversified world of( with 是否更好些呢？) different cultures, （这个逗逗应该不要吧？）and cannot tolerate the extinction of any specific human culture（加 -s 吧？）. Because it would be a failure of human wisdom, if that really happens.

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小结
值得学习的闪光点：
1、词汇量大，句式多样，可以学习很多用法；
2、论证充分，例子精准，说服力强；
2、逻辑清晰、严密，不管是从文章整体的脉络，还是段内的句群组织都可以体现出这一特点。很佩服！
可以提升的空间：
1、篇章结构性语词的表达，比如，可以将FIRSTLY, SECONDLY, THIRDLY 之类的结构性语词可以作为永久性历史收藏了；
2、语法上可以避免的个别基础性错误，比如，单谓语原则：一个句子里不应该出现两个谓语；
3、从英语表达特点来看，1）即使是议论文，英语中更侧重于客观的表达，而少用主观性较强的语词来提出观点；2）表示时间的状语，英语更习惯将其置于句末。

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PS 第一次改作文，水平有限，不当之处敬请见谅~