0910G 同主题写作第二期 Argument173 By Lucarl

lucarlUID: 2616426

提纲：

该杂志社决定减少国际新闻量的原因有二：1.他们出版的杂志，封面带有国际新闻的那些，销量不好，而对手的国际新闻少，销量不错。2.他们的海外部花销越来越大，既然产出效益又不好，不如减少国际新闻量。

针对第一点，杂志销量不好，而对手的销量好，不能武断的说是因为自己封面登了国际新闻，而对手没有。还有很多其他的因素，例如价格，内容的丰富度，杂志的排版，广告量，等等。另外，当地读者的兴趣如何？并不知道。大家究竟是喜欢什么样的新闻？体育？娱乐？

还有，3年的时间，做出此结论，稍显不足。例如这3年国际上没有什么值得关注的热点问题，碰巧赶上这3年当地经济飞速发展，大家更加关心创业新闻。

最后，海外新闻部的花销增长不能成为减少国际新闻的原因，反过来说，假如花销增长了，还要减少新闻量，等于是花更多的钱办更少的事儿，怎么说也不是个合适的买卖。

正文：


The publisher viewed the problem narrowly. To his angle, there are two factors which made him decide to decrease their international news. The first one is that their international stories-covered magazines sell more and more poorly, while another magazine with fewer such stories on cover sells better. The other one is that the cost of their international bureaus is getting higher and higher.

I think the press made their decision too impatiently and unilaterally to successfully increase their sale. There are too many other factors influencing the sale, such as the price, the pages, the advertisement and some wisely transfiguration. Is the price unreasonably high, with so limited pages offered? Are they mad at the excessive advertisement? Are the words too small or too big to read? Maybe the cause of poor-selling is not the cover stories, it's just other magazines are offering more pages with fewer advertisement at a lower price.

Besides, I noticed that the press made their decision by a phenomenon lasts 3 years. It's not a convincing period. Maybe, by chance, there are just no such international hot issues, such as Iraq War, 5.12 Wenchuan Earthquake. Maybe, it's a 3-year-period economical rising, people are more interested in business news. Anyway, there is no background information of the 3 years. Moreover, with no people's tastes presented, we don't know what the situation was 10 years ago, or what kind of news would lead the tread in the next 20 years. Is it a small town that all men watch soccer in the only tavern in town on Friday nights? Is it a city of luxury and dissipation, in which people care nothing but affairs of celebrities? To increase the sale, more information needed.

In addition, while still paying the bills of the international bureaus, I think it's a stupid choice to reduce their amount of work. Unless they are removed, there will be no apparent and effective cost saving.

To conclude, the publisher took a narrow side to identify the reason of the problem, ignoring many other possible factors. A decision should be made thinking twice and considering all the possible factors perspectively, he just failed to do that.


第一篇Argument，短了点，364字。。。欢迎大家拍砖~谢谢

蘅芜雪UID: 2646650

The publisher viewed the problem narrowly. To his angle, there are two factors which made him decide to decrease their international news. The first one is that their international stories-covered magazines sell more and more poorly, while another magazine with fewer such stories on cover sells better. The other one is that the cost of their international bureaus is getting higher and higher.这个开头……我倒是建议你把第一句话放到最后

I think the press made their decision too impatiently and unilaterally to successfully increase their sale. 这句话表述有点怪异~建议更改 There are too many other factors influencing the sale, such as the price, the pages, the advertisement and some wisely transfiguration. Is the price unreasonably high, with so limited pages offered? Are they mad at the excessive advertisement? Are the words too small or too big to read? 还是建议不要用问句了。而且这几个问句和前面那一句的意思完全重合，这样的话再写就没意义了Maybe the cause of poor-selling is not the cover stories, it's just other magazines are offering more pages with fewer advertisement at a lower price.

Besides, I noticed that the press made their decision by a phenomenon lasts 3 years. It's not a convincing period. Maybe, by chance, there are just no such international hot issues, such as Iraq War, 5.12 Wenchuan Earthquake. Maybe, it's a 3-year-period economical rising, people are more interested in business news. Anyway, there is no background information of the 3 years. 首先，我认为这个反驳不是很恰当。尤其是你写了一句说3年不是一个convincing period，3年，对于一个报纸的销量统计来说已经够漫长了。如果题目给出的前提是1个月，2个月，这个反驳是可以的。这里拿3年中可能没有引人注目的国际新闻来做反驳，力度有一些弱。倒是后面关于taste的论证是很好的。其次，这几个句子有些过于口语化。Moreover, with no people's tastes presented, we don't know what the situation was 10 years ago, or what kind of news would lead the tread in the next 20 years. Is it a small town that all men watch soccer in the only tavern in town on Friday nights? Is it a city of luxury and dissipation, in which people care nothing but affairs of celebrities? 还是跟前面一样，尽量不要用问句。否则有点像幼儿普及读物的感觉To increase the sale, more information needed.语法错误。
In addition, while still paying the bills of the international bureaus, I think it's a stupid choice to reduce their amount of work. Unless they are removed, there will be no apparent and effective cost saving.论证不充分。

To conclude, the publisher took a narrow side to identify the reason of the problem, ignoring many other possible factors. A decision should be made thinking twice 太chinglish~and considering all the possible factors perspectively, he just failed to do that.整句语法有误

gig927UID: 2556746

提纲：

该杂志社决定减少国际新闻量的原因有二：1.他们出版的杂志，封面带有国际新闻的那些，销量不好，而对手的国际新闻少，销量不错。2.他们的海外部花销越来越大，既然产出效益又不好，不如减少国际新闻量。

针对第一点，杂志销量不好，而对手的销量好(这点原文没有提到，只谈到了Over the same period, competing news-magazines have significantly decreased the number of cover stories that they devote to international news.)，不能武断的说是因为自己封面登了国际新闻，而对手没有。还有很多其他的因素，例如价格，内容的丰富度，杂志的排版，广告量，等等。另外，当地读者的兴趣如何？并不知道。大家究竟是喜欢什么样的新闻？体育？娱乐？（文章说的是international news 是国际新闻，那么分类可能就是大家究竟喜欢看国内的还是国际的？这样分类是不是会好一些，如果分体育和娱乐会不会其中也有些是国际新闻的范畴？）

还有，3年的时间，做出此结论，稍显不足。例如这3年国际上没有什么值得关注的热点问题，碰巧赶上这3年当地经济飞速发展，大家更加关心创业新闻。（是不是还可以时间分段，三年中就第一年是poorest-selling，是低谷，然后后面两年销量其实是上升的补充到对三年时间的反驳上）

最后，海外新闻部的花销增长不能成为减少国际新闻的原因，反过来说，假如花销增长了，还要减少新闻量，等于是花更多的钱办更少的事儿，怎么说也不是个合适的买卖。（profit=revenue- cost，新闻部花销的增长是cost增加，而作者认为revenue是没变或者下降的，其实不然，倘若COST这块海外部的花销给砍掉，可能会导致revenue下降的更加厉害，因为如果这个杂志主打是international news的话，砍掉海外部，这个杂志就几乎没有啥竞争力了）

正文：


The publisher viewed the problem narrowly. To his angle, there are two factors which made him decide to decrease their international news. The first one is that their international stories-covered magazines sell more and more poorly, while another magazine with fewer such stories on cover sells better（sells better原文无提，删去）. The other one is that the cost of their international bureaus is getting higher and higher.

I think the press made their decision too impatiently and unilaterally to successfully increase their sale. There are too many other factors influencing the sale, such as the price, the pages, the advertisement and some wisely transfiguration. Is the price unreasonably high, with so limited pages offered? Are they mad at the excessive （加boring） advertisement? Are the words too small or too big to read?（个人认为这些问句在BS时候出现比较好，在文章中用陈述句。有可能……有可能……有可能……然后在总结一句或许cover story并不是原因，即便是也是很小的原因）Maybe the cause of poor-selling is not the cover stories, it's just other magazines are offering more pages with fewer advertisement at a lower price.（这个和你前面的第一个问句内容一致，反着说而已，感觉重复累赘了）

Besides, I noticed （notice）that the press made their decision by a phenomenon lasts 3 years. It's not a convincing period. Maybe, by chance, there are just no such international hot issues, such as Iraq War, 5.12 Wenchuan Earthquake. Maybe, it's a 3-year-period economical rising （time）, people are more interested in business news. Anyway, there is no background information of the 3 years（mentioned）. Moreover, with no people's tastes presented, we don't know what the situation was 10 years ago, or what kind of news would lead the tread（trend） in the next 20 years. Is it a small town that all men watch soccer in the only tavern in town on Friday nights? Is it a city of luxury and dissipation, in which people care nothing but affairs of celebrities?（这几句的想法表达不错，同第二段的建议） To increase the sale, more information （is）needed.

In addition, while still paying the bills of （for）the international bureaus, I think it's a stupid choice to reduce their amount of work.（这句话while两句话的主语不一致） Unless they （they指代什么？）are removed, there will be no apparent and effective cost saving.（这一段逻辑混乱，应该这样分析：文章中条件说international bureaus增加了使得报刊负担过重，而结论得出的是要减少对国际新闻的关注量，限制国际新闻在封面上出现。结论中并没有说要削减海外部门的费用，因此海外部门的费用增加，而国际新闻报道量却减少，其实就是减少了员工的工作量了。个人觉得这个挺绕的）

To conclude, the publisher took a narrow side to identify the reason of the problem, ignoring many other possible factors. A decision should be made（after） thinking twice and considering all the possible factors perspectively, （and）he just failed to do that.


第一篇Argument，短了点，364字。。。欢迎大家拍砖~谢谢
蓝色是语法
紫色是更正补充
红色是认为不太恰当的地方
灰色是觉得好的部分



作者思想很不错，提纲列的也很完善，并且在文章中很少看到模板倾向~赞啊~缺陷我都在文中有提出（如草木斑斑所说提高语法和effective writing是基础~），加油！



                                                                                                        BY A 08  Zephyr

greenxsUID: 2529289

hello a
没看见下边还有两个给你改过了，我是同主题里面你的下家

The publisher viewed the problem narrowly. To his angle, there are two factors which made him decide to decrease their international news. The first one is that their international stories-covered magazines sell more and more poorly, while another magazine with fewer such stories on cover sells better. 这个是不是可以算是两个原因呢The other one is that the cost of their international bureaus is getting higher and higher.
I think the press made their decision too impatiently and unilaterally to successfully increase their sale. There are too many other factors influencing the sale, such as the price, the pages, the advertisement and some wisely transfiguration. Is the price unreasonably high, with so limited pages offered? Are they mad at the excessive advertisement? Are the words too small or too big to read? 以问句的方法进行探讨，是不是语气太强烈了。Maybe the cause of poor-selling is not the cover stories, it's just because other magazines are offering more pages with fewer advertisement at a lower price.
Besides, I noticed that the press这个Press想表达的是什么意思？新闻还是压力呢，我觉得这个词有点意义太多重了 made their decision by a phenomenon lasts 3 years. It's not a convincing period. Maybe, by chance, there are just no such international hot issues, such as Iraq War, 5.12 Wenchuan Earthquake. Maybe, it's a 3-year-period economical rising, people are more interested in business news. Anyway, there is no background information of the 3 years. Moreover, with no people's tastes presented, we don't know what the situation was 10 years ago, or what kind of news would lead the tread（trench） in the next 20 years. Is it a small town that all men watch soccer in the only tavern in town on Friday nights? Is it a city of luxury and dissipation, in which people care nothing but affairs of celebrities? To increase the sale, more information needed.
In addition, while still paying the bills of the international bureaus, I think it's a stupid语气太强烈了
choice to reduce their amount of work. Unless they are removed, there will be no apparent and effective cost saving.
To conclude, the publisher took a narrow side to identify the reason of the problem, ignoring many other possible factors. A decision should be made thinking twice and considering all the possible factors perspectively（这个词的副词好像是另一个意思了）, he just failed to do that.
建议你应该把上两个同学改完了之后的汇总一下，之后贴上一个新的来~~~~
不要忘记回改哦~~~~
1# lucarl

lucarlUID: 2616426

修改后，字数407.修改用时：1 hour
请楼下同学继续狠批，多指错误~

提纲：

该杂志社决定减少国际新闻量的原因有二：1.他们出版的杂志，封面带有国际新闻的那些，销量最不好，而同时对手的国际新闻减少了 2.他们的海外部花销越来越大，既然产出效益又不好，不如减少国际新闻量。

针对第一点，杂志销量不好，不能武断的说是因为封面登了国际新闻。还有很多其他的因素，例如价格，内容的丰富度，杂志的排版，广告量，等等。

另外，对手减少了国际新闻，但是他们的销量呢？并不知道。也许他们更差。也许好一点，但也不能说就是因为国际新闻量少决定的。

还有，当地读者的兴趣如何？并不知道。大家究竟是喜欢什么样的新闻？

最后，海外新闻部的花销增长不能成为减少国际新闻的原因，反过来说，假如花销增长了，还要减少新闻量，等于是花更多的钱办更少的事儿，怎么说也不是个合适的买卖。

正文：
From the publisher's angle, there are two factors which made him decide to decrease their international news. The first one is that their international stories-covered magazines hit the poorest selling, while the competitors are decreasing their international news covered magazines. The other one is that the cost of their international bureaus is getting higher and higher. I think the publisher viewed the problem narrowly.

To start with, the publisher was too impatient to make his decision, willing to increase the sales. There are too many other factors influencing the sales. Maybe the price is unreasonably high with so limited pages offered. Otherwise, maybe the readers are bored with the intolerable advertisement. Or, maybe the words are too small or too big to read. All in all, you can't impute the international covers for affecting the sales.

In addition, we know nothing about the situation of the competing magazines. It's likely that they are even selling poorer sales after decreasing the amount of the international news. Even if they made more profits, maybe they were just offering more pages with fewer advertisement at a lower price.

Moreover, with no people's tastes presented, we don't know what kind of news is the hottest issue. Maybe it's a small town that all men watch soccer in the only tavern in town on Friday nights. Maybe it's a city of luxury and dissipation, in which people care nothing but affairs of celebrities. In the absence of the background of the local people, we can't decide what kind of news should be offered more and therefore decreasing the amount of the international news would be a unwise choice.

At last, while still paying the bills of the international bureaus, the publisher is taking a unwise way to reduce their amount of work. Unless the international bureaus are removed, there will be no apparent and effective cost saving.
We can certainly see a picture, after the decreasing plan executed, that the amount of international news decreases and subsequently the cost of transportation and the payment for employees reduces. But the money for water, electricity equipments and other possible fees is still the same, which is the vest majority of the cost of the international bureaus.

To conclude, the publisher took a narrow side to identify the reason of the problem, ignoring many other possible factors. A decision should be made considering all the possible factors insightfully, and he just failed to do that.