0910AW 同主题写作第五期 ARGUMENT65 by 彩虹沙漠

彩虹沙漠UID: 2328322

ARGUMENT65: The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

According to their newest store's sale result, citing the result of the survey directed by a magazine, the author draws the assumption that the domestic cheeses are more popular than the imported ones. Then he/she holds the points of view that the best way to improve profits in all of their shores is to discontinue stocking many imported cheeses and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses. However, the conclusion is unfounded because of the unfair assumption and his/her poor argument.

Firstly, just grounding on the newest store's sale result, it's hasty and unreasonable for the author to draw the assumption that all their store's situations are the same to the newest store's. The fact that the five best-selling cheeses at the newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses can only indicate that the domestic cheeses were more popular than the imported ones in the site where the newest store locates. However, it's entirely possible that the other stores' customers prefer the imported cheeses. Therefore, due to the unfair assumption, the author's recommendation is not reliable at all.

Secondly, the resent survey cited by the author cannot give powerful support to the conclusion either. First, the survey is directed among the magazine's subscribers, but the author takes advantage of the result of the survey to indicate all stores' customers' preference trend without showing any evidence to substantiate that the subscribers' preference can represent their customers'. Through this aspect, the author's conclusion according to the survey is not credible. Second, even if the subscriber' taste is the customers' taste, an increasing preference for domestic cheeses can only indicate a trend, but doesn't account to the fact the domestic cheeses are more popular than the imported ones. Totally possible is that the number of the customers who prefered the domestic ones was very small in the past, so the imported chesses are now more popular than the domestic ones in spite of the domestic ones being more and more popular. Consequentially, the author's recommendation doesn't have enough reason to be adopted.

Finally, granted that the above assumption is sound, there's no evidence to buttress that changing the stock strategy is the best way to improve profits. Indisputably, it's a mix-factor that makes influence on the profits of the stores. Even if the author's stores shift their emphasis from the imported cheeses to domestic ones, nobody can say they will be profitable. Maybe their competing companies also change their strategy and make a cheaper price available. In that case, it's too hard to promise a success. So the author's conclusion seems too assertive and undependable.

To sum up, more information is needed to confirm the crucial assumption that the domestic cheeses are popular than the imported ones. In addition, to strength the author's recommendation, he/she should also rule out the other possible factors which will influence the profits of the stores.

cooljcqUID: 2498528

According to their newest store's sale result, citing the result of the survey directed by a magazine, the author draws the assumption that the domestic cheeses are more popular than the imported ones. Then he/she holds the points of view that the best way to improve profits in all of their shores is to discontinue stocking many imported cheeses and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses. However, the conclusion is unfounded because of the unfair assumption and his/her poor argument.（第一段的写作基本上是可以忽略的，只是总结了一下所给的script，自己的观点不太明显。希望能够学习一下开头的写法，参照官方范文）
Firstly, just grounding on the newest store's sale result, it's hasty and
（这个逻辑关系对吗）unreasonable for the author to draw the assumption that all their store's situations are the same to the newest store's. The fact that the five best-selling cheeses at the newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses can only indicate that the domestic cheeses were more popular than the imported ones in the site where the newest store locates（这个推论是错误的吧，希望你好好想想）. However, it's entirely possible that the other stores' customers prefer the imported cheeses. Therefore, due to the unfair
（不准确）assumption, the author's recommendation is not reliable at all. （这个论证基本上没有什么说服力，甚至可以说是失败了）
Secondly, the resent survey cited by the author cannot give powerful support to the conclusion either. First, the survey is directed among the magazine's subscribers, but the author takes advantage of the result of the survey to indicate all stores' customers' preference trend without showing any evidence to substantiate that the subscribers' preference can represent their customers'. Through this aspect, the author's conclusion according to the survey is not credible（这句话可以不要）. Second, even if the subscriber' taste is the customers' taste, an increasing preference for domestic cheeses can only indicate a trend（很模糊）, but doesn't account to the fact the domestic cheeses are more popular than the imported ones. Totally possible is（用法） that the number of the customers who prefered the domestic ones was very small in the past, so the imported chesses are now more popular than the domestic ones in spite of the domestic ones being more and more popular. Consequentially, the author's recommendation doesn't have enough reason to be adopted.（这段论证比较好，有些结论推出的不太好）
Finally, granted that the above assumption is sound, there's no evidence to buttress that changing the stock strategy is the best way to improve（用法）
profits. Indisputably, it's a mix-factor that makes influence on the profits of the stores. Even if the author's stores shift their emphasis from the imported cheeses to domestic ones, nobody can say they will be profitable. Maybe their competing companies also change their strategy and make a cheaper price available. In that case, it's too hard to promise a success. So the author's conclusion seems too assertive and undependable.（感觉这段你论证的不太有说服了，这个论证只是一个假设的东西）

To sum up, more information is needed to confirm the crucial assumption that the domestic cheeses are popular than the imported ones. In addition, to strength the author's recommendation, he/she should also rule out the other possible factors which will influence the profits of the stores.（结尾感觉还不错，学习了）
综述，这篇作文总体的说服力不算太好，有些推论根本就不成立，里面的例子也太少了。
说话可能有点重，希望包涵!

彩虹沙漠UID: 2328322

2# cooljcq
多批评没关系。不过还是希望能具体点的解释。比如你说划线部分是错误的，我不太明白。文中试图用the newest store的例子来得出想在all of our store的推广政策的结论。这显然是局部现象用于总体的“仓促概括”错误，为什么说不对呢。希望你能解释一下。

dacongfanUID: 2644717

According to their newest store's sale result, citing the result of the survey directed by a magazine, the author draws the assumption觉得这不应该用assumption，因为作者认为他是很有道理 that the domestic cheeses are more popular than the imported ones. Then he/she holds the points of view that the best way to improve profits in all of their shores is to discontinue stocking many imported cheeses and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses. However, the conclusion is unfounded because of the unfair assumption and his/her poor argument.

Firstly, just grounding on the newest store's sale result, it's hasty and unreasonable for the author to draw the assumption that all their store's situations are the same to是不是应该用as啊the newest store's. The fact that the five best-selling cheeses at the newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses can only indicate that the domestic cheeses were more popular than the imported ones in the site where the newest store locates. However这好像没有什么转折的意思啊, it's entirely possible that the other stores' customers prefer the imported cheeses. Therefore, due to the unfair assumption, the author's recommendation is not reliable at all.

Secondly, the resent应该是recent survey cited by the author cannot give powerful support to the conclusion either. First, the survey is directed among the magazine's subscribers, but the author takes advantage of the result of the survey to indicate all stores' customers' preference trend without showing any evidence to substantiate that the subscribers' preference can represent their customers'. Through this aspect, the author's conclusion according to the survey is not credible觉得这句话没有必要，因为前面已经综述性的说明了作者根据这个调查的结果来下结论是没有说服力的，有点罗索. Second, even if the subscriber' taste is the customers' taste, an increasing preference for domestic cheeses can only indicate a trend, but doesn't account to拼写错误，是amount to the fact the domestic cheeses are more popular than the imported ones. Totally possible is that the number of the customers who prefered the domestic ones was very small in the past, so the imported chesses are now more popular than the domestic ones in spite of the domestic ones being more and more popular. Consequentially, the author's recommendation doesn't have enough reason to be adopted.呵呵，觉得这句话有点chinglish

Finally, granted that the above assumption is sound, there's no evidence to buttress这个词好 that changing the stock strategy is the best way to improve profits. Indisputably, it's a mix-factor that makes influence on the profits of the stores觉得有点chinglish. Even if the author's stores shift their emphasis from the imported cheeses to domestic ones, nobody can say they will be profitable. Maybe their competing companies also change their strategy and make a cheaper price available. In that case, it's too hard to promise a success. So the author's conclusion seems too assertive好 and undependable.

To sum up, more information is needed to confirm the crucial assumption that the domestic cheeses are popular than the imported ones. In addition, to strength the author's recommendation, he/she should also rule out the other possible factors which will influence the profits of the stores.
总得来说，觉得这篇文章还是不错的。不过我现在不太能够确定的一点就是你的开头和结尾的方式。因为我的都是模板化的，而且我看的大多数别人的也都是这样的，尤其是结尾的部分，我觉得是不是应该明确的指出the information是不是更好一些。
呵呵，改的有点晚，不要介意啊。

彩虹沙漠UID: 2328322

4# dacongfan
没关系，你说的开头结尾方式我这两天也在修改，希望最后形成自己的模板。
还有就是chinglish的问题我也再进来避免，还是语感不行啊……
对了，你看看你楼上的评语，客观点告诉我怎么对待。看完他的批语我都不知道怎么个意思，光告我错了，没原因……