issue130 by flear

flearUID: 2533174

i130 "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

    The author's dual claims point out that socialization of children determines the destiny of the society and we have not yet figured out a way to raise children to be socialized. I disagree with the former considering that people continue to be socialized after the childhood, but reach an accord with the latter one, based on the fact of declined status of socialization in education.

    I agree insofar as children today represent the future and how well a person is socialized determines how much he can do for the society. Indisputably, children today will finally take charge of the sacred work of construction of the society, and be the pillars of the future world. To become capable of contributing to the society, the children have to firstly fit into his ambience, that’s to say, to be involve in the process of socialization, which provides skills and habits indispensable for acting and participating within the society. Little progress could be made by the individual to the outside world without him being engaged in it, whatever career he takes.

    However, socialization is a lifelong issue. People continue to be socialized throughout his life by experiences that may alter previously formed beliefs, habits and personality. Based on the time it occurs, we can categorize the whole process into three different parts –preliminary socialization, advanced socialization, and re-socialization. While preliminary socialization of children is for them to learn the language and fundamentals of the society and attitudes, values and actions that are appropriate as a member a particular culture, advanced socialization prepared them for basic skills to associate with their peers and to behave as a part of a group within the larger society. As to re-socialization, it gives an opportunity to those who have not yet been well accepted by the society, to rectify. Clearly, the socialization of children is only one primary step. However essential though this very first step is, it cannot determine how well one will be socialized later in his life. The story of Theodore Roosevelt’ ascending to the presidency, whose earlier social development is stunted by his inborn sickly and asthmatic physical deficiency, can properly justify my position.

    As to the second claim, someone may contend with it by stating the improvement of society over years. Yet, this development can be only attributed to the previous and the present generations, but not the next. And I doubt what fraction of children today will finally turn out to be assets of the society. My contentions lie in the way how children are socialized—through formal education and inform education.

    Formal education is generally considered as schooling, through which both knowledge of science and moral values of a society are inculcated to the students. However, with the booming development of technology, schools today can hardly balance the two—by putting too much emphasize on science while overlooking moral lessons about how to be an eligible citizen through the process of socialization. In china, schooling on moral values has already diminished to nothing but a fracture, with little essence.

     In comparison to formal education, Informal education has been spared fewer efforts on. As the most of the early consequential socialization is done informally and unconsciously at anytime anywhere, and there are so many channels that a child can be exposed to norms and values, informal education of children calls on significant efforts to improve the altogether ambience around the child. However, what have we done? What have we improved of the society for children? I see nothing but the ever increasing of drug uses, violence, crimes, and the declining of morality. Adults, at least, should behave properly and speak gracefully in front of the child, but they have not.

     In sum, how children are socialized along with further socialization throughout their life determines the destiny of the society. However, we have done little to raise children to be socialized to undertake the work of construction of a better future.

         

银落UID: 2632560

个人意见
好词好句
语法错误
个人改写

     The author's dual claims point out that socialization of children determines the destiny of the society and we have not yet figured out a way to raise children to be socialized. I cannot agree with the first one considering that people continue to be socialized after the childhood. I kind of agree with the second claim because we, who identify ourselves differently and hold various values and beliefs, can never find（第二个观点不是can never find, 而是we have not find） a same way to raise our child to be socialized.首先这样的拆分似乎有点像argument，会有点危险，其次，这样就把两句话之间的联系断开了。

        I agree insofar as（这个词我到现在都不会用~） children today represent the future and how well a person is socialized determines how much he can do for the society. Indisputably, children today will finally take charge of the sacred work（似乎中文意思可以，但是英语有这样的说法吗？） of construction of the society, and be the pillars of the future world. Anyone in power now will have to be replaced, and no intelligent people could live forever to benefit the society. So the development of the next generation determines the future society. While,（连词似乎后面不可以加逗号的吧） to become capable of contributing to the society, a person has to firstly fit into his ambience, etc.(是不是去掉比较好呢） to be involved in the process of socialization, which provides skills and habits indispensable for acting and participating within the society. Little progress could be made by the individual to the outside world without him being engaged in it, whatever career he takes.
  这段是将children 对于future的重要性，以及，how their are socialized is also important.      
        However, the socialization of children is only one primary step in the whole process which also involves many others. This preliminary socialization of children is for them to learn the language and fundamentals of the society and attitudes, values and actions that are appropriate as a member of a particular culture, and then gain some basic skills to associate with its peers and to behave as a part of a small group within the larger society. 那个，句子太长了。。However, essential though this very first step is, it cannot determine how well one will be socialized later in his life. People continue to be socialized throughout his life by experiences that may alter previously formed beliefs, habits and personality.
   这段是说socialization对一个孩子对社会的未来的影响只是一个因素，但不是决定性因素     
         As to the second claim, my contention with the fact that it lies in the way how children are socialized—partly by formal education but mostly by inform education(是什么意思呢？）—and the various goals of socialization of different families in a large-scale society like America. As the most of the early consequential socialization is done informally and unconsciously at anytime anywhere, with so many channels（possible chances会不会比较好呢？） that a child can be exposed to(get touch of ) norms and values, there are few things can be done by others. In addition, as the values, beliefs and moral standards of different families vary, so the goals and expectations of socialization may be distinct. Therefore no proper way for all to raise their child exists.
    这段是说socialization的方法很多，不可能只一种
       But still, there are some things we can do. We, as a generation presently in power（我们in what power？）, can and should behave properly, speak gracefully, to perfect ourselves to the very detail, at least in front of the child, because every seemingly insignificant action of parents can impact greatly on the socialization of the children and the formation of their personality.建议这段可以和上段合并，这样结构才能紧凑哦。。。
        
         In sum, how children are socialized along with their further socialization throughout their life determines the destiny of the society. And we can do few but to behave as properly as possible to serve as didactic examples from which children will unconsciously learn.

总结。。。语言方面不多说了。。。我似乎没你厉害。。。然后就分析结构好了。。。每个段落的意思我都明白。。但是在论证段落大意的时候。。却似乎没有很有力的论据。。。而且example=0.。。全部纯理论。。。厉害是厉害。。但是example还是必要的。。~
由于考试没时间。。。所以没有用绿色的笔给你改写一两句。。。话说其实你的文已经不错了。。也没必要我来改了。。呵呵~

xdjtfUID: 2615699

见附件

wuliangjieericUID: 2539458

楼主，谈谈我对你文章的感觉，你的说理不错，但是有一个问题就是论点不够鲜明，你不同意socialization的论点，但是你之前用大篇的文章说明socializaiton的重要性，对于第二个问题虽然你一上来就阐述自己的观点，但是后来又用大篇文字反驳，更要命的是貌似你最后结尾与你之前的观点冲突, “how children are socialized along with their further socialization throughout their life determines the destiny of the society”              “ I cannot agree with the first one”

flearUID: 2533174

我确实太偏重对socialization重要性的论证 却没有把重要的部分说清楚
而且第二个观点确实有些偏题
现在在原文的基础上作了非常大的改动，不知是否能够有脱胎换骨的效果。

flearUID: 2533174

i130 "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

    The author's dual claims point out that socialization of children determines the destiny of the society and we have not yet figured out a way to raise children to be socialized. I disagree with the former considering that people continue to be socialized after the childhood, but reach an accord with the latter on, based on the fact of declined status of socialization in education.

    I agree insofar as children today represent the future and how well a person is socialized determines how much he can do for the society. Indisputably, children today will finally take charge of the sacred work of construction of the society, and be the pillars of the future world. To become capable of contributing to the society, the children have to firstly fit into his ambience, that’s to say, to be involve in the process of socialization, which provides skills and habits indispensable for acting and participating within the society. Little progress could be made by the individual to the outside world without him being engaged in it, whatever career he takes.

    However, socialization is a lifelong issue. People continue to be socialized throughout his life by experiences that may alter previously formed beliefs, habits and personality. Based on the time it occurs, we can categorize the whole process into three different parts –preliminary socialization, advanced socialization, and re-socialization. While preliminary socialization of children is for them to learn the language and fundamentals of the society and attitudes, values and actions that are appropriate as a member a particular culture, advanced socialization prepared them for skills to associate with their peers and to behave as a part of a group within the larger society. As to re-socialization, it gives an opportunity to those who have not yet been well accepted by the society, to rectify. Clearly, the socialization of children is only one primary step. However essential though this very first step is, it cannot determine how well one will be socialized later in his life. The story of Theodore Roosevelt’ ascending to the presidency, whose earlier social development is stunted by his inborn sickly and asthmatic physical deficiency, can properly justify my position.

    As to the second claim, someone may contend with it by stating the improvement of society over years. Yet, this development can be only attributed to the previous and the present generations, but not the next. And I doubt what fraction of children today will finally turn out to be assets of the society. My contentions lie in the way how children are socialized—through formal education and inform education.

    Formal education is generally considered as schooling, through which both knowledge of science and moral values of a society are inculcated to the students. However, with the booming development of technology, schools today can hardly balance the two—by putting too much emphasize on science while overlooking moral lessons about how to be an eligible citizen through the process of socialization. In china, schooling on moral values has already diminished to nothing but a fracture, with little essence.

     In comparison to formal education, Informal education has been spared fewer efforts on. As the most of the early consequential socialization is done informally and unconsciously at anytime anywhere, and there are so many channels that a child can be exposed to norms and values, informal education of children calls on significant efforts to improve the altogether ambience around the child. However, what have we done? What have we improved of the society for children? I see nothing but the ever increasing of drug uses, violence, crimes, and the declining of morality. Adults, at least, should behave properly and speak gracefully in front of the child, but they have not.

     In sum, how children are socialized along with their further socialization throughout their life determines the destiny of the society. However, we have done little to raise children to be socialized to undertake the construction of a better future.

jackzhenguoUID: 2654215

#6 ,nice了，就是太深奥了，还没怎么看懂，回去继续看。