argument 65 [concerto第三次作业]--by心过有痕

心过有痕UID：2640823

65：The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheeses and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

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In the memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States, we can know that the best-selling cheeses were all domestic, cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin, at their newest store even if they provide their consumer a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. And this thought seems to be verified by a recent survey which is made by Cheeses of the World magazine. The survey indicates its subscribers prefer domestic cheeses to imported cheeses gradually. So, it concludes that by discontinue stocking of imported cheeses, they place emphasis on domestic cheeses in order to make a better profit. At the first glance, is seems convincing, while clearly examining the author's reasoning, we may find there are some flaws in it.

Firstly, the memo mentions that in their newest store the five best-selling cheeses were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. But we cannot conclude that all the stores in their chain are facing the same condition which the newest store encounters. It is very strange that only quantity of cheddar cheeses  blooms splendidly while other domestic cheeses do not have obvious increasing sales records. Even if cheddar cheeses is absolutely superior than imported ones in quantity at present, we also can not deduce that domestic cheeses are popular than imported cheeses and this phenomenon will last to the time when the store change their strategy, which concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses by discontinue stocking many of their varieties of imported cheeses, to make profit according to this assumption. Moreover, the number of sold cheddar cheeses is increasing do not means this cheese is the best choice to consumer. Maybe the store had a promotion of cheddar cheeses at that time, so it is economical to purchase under the condition. If author could provide a selling record of all cheeses, domestic and imported, we may understand them better.  

Secondly, to make the conclusion convincing, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine is presented which indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. But the author doesn't mention that how the survey is proceeding. It isn't clear that who consist of its subscribers, how many domestic and imported cheeses provide to the subscribers to choose, can these cheeses represent the whole cheese market and so on. Unless the author offers more details about the survey, we can not draw the conclusion that domestic cheeses are popular than imported ones.

Thirdly, the store want to reduce expenses by limiting inventory, decreasing stocking many of their varieties of imported cheeses, and improve profits in all of their stores by concentrating on domestic cheeses. The author only refers that stores decrease stocking of imported cheeses. Don't tell us whether domestic cheeses decrease stocking, either. So, we are not certain whether the expenses could reduce. And decreasing expenses is not certain that stores might make profits unless turnover wouldn't decrease. Even if domestic cheeses were sold more than before, we are not sure that the revenue in the month would more than before, either. Because author does not tell us whether the prices of all cheeses have been changed. If a cheese sells 10% more but prices 20% lower than before, the income will reduce to 88% of former level.

Overall, I think the president had better think twice before he takes actions which try to improve profits. He must collect more selling information about all cheeses, domestic and imported, have a better understanding of consumers' fancies and revise their plans according to the differences among cities. If he takes rash actions mentioned above, the company may make lose.

missingusaUID：2625832

65:The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheeses and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

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红色:在原文直接修改的地方

红色下划:划去的地方,这里没有删除线所以用下划线代替
蓝色:保留原文但建议修改的地方(部分加粗之处表示两者有关联)
紫色:对于行文思路的一些想法,仅供参考~
黄色:被我无良地收纳下来滴东西~

In the memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States, we can know that the best-selling cheeses were all domestic, cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin, at their newest store even if they provide their consumer a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. And this thought seems to be verified by a recent survey which is made by Cheeses of the World magazine. The survey indicates the number of its subscribers who prefer domestic cheeses to imported cheeses is increasing gradually. So, it concludes that by discontinue stocking of imported cheeses, they place emphasis on domestic cheeses in order to make a better profit.(they may make a better profit by placing emphasis on domestic cheeses instead of imported cheeses) At the first glance, it seems to be convincing. However, while clearly examining the author's reasoning, we may find there are some flaws in it.(开头段大多数在复述题目，可适当简写；长开头段在ETS官方范文中得高分的作文中也有，很值得借鉴，一定要去看看哈~)

(第一层)Firstly, the memo mentions that in their newest store the five best-selling cheeses were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. But we cannot conclude that all the stores in their chain are facing the same condition which the newest store encounters. //(第二层)It is very strange that only quantity of cheddar cheeses blooms splendidly(猛然间de华丽,raters要吃不消的^^) while other domestic cheeses do not have obvious increasing sales records. //(第三层) Even if the sales of cheddar cheeses are absolutely superior than imported ones in quantity at present, we also can not deduce that domestic cheeses are popular than imported cheeses and this phenomenon will last to the time when the store change their strategy, which concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses by(while) discontinue stocking many of their varieties of imported cheeses, to make profit according to this assumption(这句句子可以适当简写). //(第四层) Moreover, the number of sold cheddar cheeses is increasing do(does) not means this cheese is the best choice to consumers. Maybe the store had a promotion of cheddar cheeses at that time, so it is economical to purchase under the condition.
// If author could provide a selling record of all cheeses, domestic and imported, we may understand them better.  （本段对于论据1进行了攻击，一共4个层次，我的感觉是分析还不错，就是有些跳跃影响了整体感，尤其是一二层次从地点的横向比较才一句话便立即转到了奶酪的纵向比较，造成论证不详细的错觉。我建议可以把最后moreover那一层提上来放到even if前面，然后在第一层和第三层之间挑一个出来扩充，另外一层索性就可以删掉，比如第三层的论述中看到“we also can not deduce that….”这句话之后读者在心里很自然会想问”why?”）

Secondly, to make the conclusion convincing, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine is presented which indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. But the author doesn't mention that how the survey is proceeding(用完成时). It isn't clear that who consist of its subscribers(好像颠倒了~), how many domestic and imported cheeses are provided to the subscribers to choose, can these cheeses represent the whole cheese market and so on. Unless the author offers more details about the survey, we can not draw the conclusion that domestic cheeses are popular than imported ones. (本段论述有些单薄，论述的主体已经划出来了，我的建议和上一段一样，可以挑出其中一个问题作抛砖引玉的作用并进行回答这样就显得饱满了；另外你是不是觉得可以攻击的地方太多了？我在写这篇A的时候感觉就是这样，太多反而会顾此失彼，这时候可以像草木说的那样直接找可能性细节错误；关于提问型的论述66有个帖子就是讲这个的，推荐去看下，我就不班门弄斧了~https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=963475)

Thirdly, the store wants to reduce expenses by limiting inventory by decreasing stocking many of their varieties of imported cheeses, and improve profits in all of their stores by concentrating on domestic cheeses. The author only refers(注意用法) that stores decrease stocking of imported cheeses. Don't tell us(是不是贴上来的时候不小心改掉了) whether domestic cheeses decrease stocking(主语咋成奶酪了- -#), either. So, we are not certain whether the expenses can reduce. And decreasing expenses is not certain(注意用法) that stores might make profits unless turnover wouldn't decrease. Even if domestic cheeses were sold more than before, we are not sure that the revenue in the month would be more than before, either. Because the author has not tell us whether the prices of all cheeses have been changed. If a cheese sells 10% more but prices 20% lower than before, the income will reduce to 88% of former level.(本段句子组织有待加强，比如中间的”So”和后面的”because”，显得句子衔接上有些生硬；不断论述的前半部分关于减少库存和减少开支的关系我个人认为可以删去，直接拣后面减少库存和获得利润的关系，再原文基础上再扩充(比如对再谈谈环境这方面因素)就更好了~)

Overall, I think the president had better think twice before he takes actions which try to improve profits. He must collect more selling information about all cheeses, domestic and imported, have a better understanding of consumers' fancies and revise their plans according to the differences among cities. If he(the company) takes rash actions mentioned above, the company may make lose(loss).(本段我感觉还是挺简洁的并且语句也通顺~结尾的写法我积累的还不够，因此改不出什么来，还得再努力，见谅- -~)