TOEFL暑期集结号作文 第1次作业 by asn_12

asn_12UID: 2583270

Do you agree or disagree? Playing computer games is wasting time; children should not be allowed to play them.
提纲：
1、随着科学技术的进步，人们有更多的休闲方式，玩电脑游戏就是其中之一，我觉得玩游戏挺好
2、比如网络游戏可以锻炼人的团队合作精神，如魔兽世界
3、单机游戏，比如战略游戏可以锻炼人对大局的把握，如魔兽争霸
4、但是对于儿童，我们要限制他们的游戏时间，首先他们的自制力差，其次他们的主要任务是学习



As the development of science and technology, people have more ways to enjoy themselves than ever before, playing computer games is one of them that more and more people like to kill their spare time especially the young, unlike others, I think playing computer game is a good way to relax ourselves in stead of wasting time.



Accompanying the advancement of networking technology, a lot of On-line Game have came out, we must communicate and work with other people in these games, so it is a good way to cultivate the spirit of teamwork. For instance, the most outstanding Network Game is World of Warcraft, made by Blizzard company. In this game, players can not enter in a 20--player mission alone, they must join in a team with different and appropriate combination, such as warriors, mages, priests. As a warrior player, s/he must attract the enemies' attention and let them attack him/herself instead of other careers; priests's duty is cure the team member from beat to death, especially the Main Tank which is the most important warrior to attract Boss's attention; mages must try their best to kill the enemies in the shortest time without draw their attention from the warriors. As a group, they must coordinate perfectly or they will all fail in the task.



Some people do not want to spend a lot of money and time on the Network Game, so they can try other game like Cyber Game instead. Take another successful product of Blizzard----Warcraft----as an example. This is one of a strategic game which means people must try to control the general situation. They should develop the economy and military equally, because without economy without military, without military without triumph. People also need to choose the right time to disturb the development of enemies or even beat them to failure. We must consider the general situation in this game, to do the right thing in the right time, which will help us to finish our business more efficiency.



Even though there are so much benefits to play computer game, we should also limit the time for children, because they can hardly control themselves when they are meeting these good games, we should also let them to know that study is the most major mission for them, so they must study well primarily.

文赋UID: 2611067

Do you agree or disagree? Playing computer games is wasting time; children should not be allowed to play them.
$ T$ D$ t1 V3 r  _9 ]7 i提纲：/ q. F* ^: c* o
1、随着科学技术的进步，人们有更多的休闲方式，玩电脑游戏就是其中之一，我觉得玩游戏挺好
& J  |+ T2 L' g! T8 h2、比如网络游戏可以锻炼人的团队合作精神，如魔兽世界2 j% p1 [9 ~2 [0 X0 n
3、单机游戏，比如战略游戏可以锻炼人对大局的把握，如魔兽争霸
( @$ X$ q& j, x- R( m: ?4、但是对于儿童，我们要限制他们的游戏时间，首先他们的自制力差，其次他们的主要任务是学习+ J6 `% G' _- H: B+ Y6 l' w9 Y. ^
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! Z9 A; R5 R0 M6 LAsthe development of science and technology, people have more ways toenjoy themselves than ever before, playing computer games is one ofthem that more and more people like to kill their spare time especiallythe young, unlike others, I think playing computer game is a good wayto relax ourselves in stead of wasting time.主论点讲是休闲方式而不是浪费时间，分论点变成培养团队精神和？？(抱歉第三段没看出来，表说最后半句是，考官没工夫看到最后一句)。

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. M: g5 {$ a5 l, I4 zAccompanyingthe advancement of networking technology, a lot of On-line Game havecame out, we must communicate and work with other people in thesegames, so it is a good way to cultivate the spirit of teamwork. Forinstance, the most outstanding Network Game is World of Warcraft, madeby Blizzard company. In this game, players can not enter in a20--player mission alone, they must join in a team with different andappropriate combination, such as warriors, mages, priests. As a warriorplayer, s/he must attract the enemies' attention and let them attackhim/herself instead of other careers; priests's(多个s） duty is cure the teammember from beat to death（我觉得这个地方不是说，从beat到death，但是个表达是不是太中式思维了？不如to avoid death）, especially the Main Tank which is the mostimportant warrior to attract Boss's attention; mages must try theirbest to kill the enemies in the shortest time without draw theirattention from the warriors. As a group, they must coordinate perfectlyor they will all fail in the task.; o/ B3 |5 u( y- t
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; k  t6 D! {+ t7 b' G) f& JSomepeople do not want to spend a lot of money and time on the NetworkGame, so they can try other game like Cyber Game instead(所以他们可以尝试其他的游戏，例如网游，来代替？我晕). Take anothersuccessful product of Blizzard----Warcraft----as an example. This isone of a strategic game which means people must try to control thegeneral situation. They should develop the economy and militaryequally, because without economy without military, without militarywithout triumph. People also need to choose the right time to disturbthe development of enemies or even beat them to failure. We mustconsider the general situation in this game, to do the right thing inthe right time, which will help us to finish our business moreefficiency.
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9 ^1 g) x: V, h+ HEventhough there are so much （可数名词用many） benefits to play computer game, we should alsolimit the time for children, because they can hardly control themselveswhen they are meeting these good games, we should also let them to knowthat study is the most major （重复意义，可以说most major cities, 大多数主要城市，而大多数主要任务，虽然也行，但是你用的是单数啊？而且主语也是单数，这个搭配不起来）mission for them, so they must study wellprimarily.
asn_12 发表于 2009-7-9 09:57

• .不知道我的感觉对不对，我一直觉得Kill time只不过是waste time的口语表达方式，而且其汉语意思为“消磨时间”，一般来说，既然考虑反驳waste time，应该证明通过playing computer games来有效利用时间，只是不是单纯的消磨；
• .
  作者给我们介绍了暴雪娱乐公司的两个主打产品，World of Warcraft and Warcraft, 而且介绍的比较详细，这时候就有个小小的问题：例子是用来支撑论点的，换句话说，例子是次要的，论点和论述才是主要的。第二段，从For instance之后，就没有论述了，之前的论述说服力也不强。第三段，就根本没有针对waste time的论述和论点，ye，不喜欢网游的人可以去玩单机游戏；
• 
  最后一段，提出了一个辩证观点，可惜展开的不够充分（和上面说游戏好处的段落比，太单薄了），然后就结束了；
• 
  没有结论段？建议还是在最后汇总一下提出的几个论点，然后在结束，不然总觉得诡异。

thatllUID: 2538832

As the development of science and technology, people have more ways to enjoy themselves than ever before, playing computer games is one of them that more and more people like to kill their spare time especially the young, unlike others, I think playing computer game is a good way to relax ourselves in stead of wasting time.

• 这里的as用的不对吧，改为with比较好。
• 这个标点符号我是不改了，你自己回去改改吧。
• 这个that是怎么回事。
• unlike others，这个你很武断，别人又没告诉你怎么想的，所以这样的表达很不好。
• instead
• 蓝颜色是你的主题句吧，你认为游戏是relax的好方式，而不是浪费时间。

Accompanying the advancement of networking technology, a lot of On-line Game have came out, we must communicate and work with other people in these games, so it is a good way to cultivate the spirit of teamwork. For instance, the most outstanding Network Game is World of Warcraft, made by Blizzard company. In this game, players can not enter in a 20--player mission alone, they must join in a team with different and appropriate combination, such as warriors, mages, priests. As a warrior player, s/he must attract the enemies' attention and let them attack him/herself instead of other careers; priests's duty is cure the team member from beat to death, especially the Main Tank which is the most important warrior to attract Boss's attention; mages must try their best to kill the enemies in the shortest time without draw their attention from the warriors. As a group, they must coordinate perfectly or they will all fail in the task.

• come的过去式是came，但是过去分词是come
• 这个enter我们高中的时候应该注意到过，它本身就有进去的意思在里面，所以我们在表示真正意义上的进入的时候就是及物动词，没有后面跟in的。在enter表示不及物动词时，它表示一种抽象的进入，后面跟into，具体见下面：
• enter into
  • To participate in; take an active role or interest in: enter into politics; enter into negotiations.
  • To become party to (a contract): The nations entered into a trade agreement.
  • To become a component of; form a part of: Financial matters entered into the discussion.
  • To consider; investigate: The report entered into the effect of high interest rates on the market.
  enter on or upon
  • To set out on; begin: We enter on a new era in our history.
  • To begin considering; take up: After discussing the budget deficit, they entered on the problem of raising taxes.
  • To take possession of: She entered upon the estate of her uncle.
• As a warrior player, s/he must attract the enemies' attention and let them attack him/herself instead of other careers; 这一句我想你要表达的意思是我们要尽量保护自己的队友，甚至不惜牺牲自己。但是你表达的意思就是吸引别人来杀了自己（好像死了以后有什么好处似的），照这个逻辑，要是每个成员都这么想的话，那大家都想着自己要死，这个队伍马上就死完了，呵呵。我这推理纯粹是文字游戏。我也知道你要表达的意思，我只是想说可以直接点的说就是要团结互助，大家相互protect partners。
• 还有虽然T作文要求细节举例，但是这个也要有个度，我们也要考虑我们的文字的价值问题，你这里说来说去就是大家要teamwork，就一个意思，我觉得这样的描述不太好。
• 还有这一段跟你的论点：是relax而不是浪费时间。好像没有很好的论证到。你这段讲的是可以培养团队精神。所以建议你修改一下文章的主题，我想你心里想的应该是改为有好多好处而不是浪费时间。但是我要说的是这样子改后的观点有没有偏题。这个issue是说游戏浪费时间，小孩不应该被允许。同意与否。所以我觉的应该说你不同意。接下来你要阐述的是问什么游戏不浪费时间。而不是说游戏有什么好的有什么好的。因为你讲一个事物的好，并没有直接否定这个事物有这个不好点。所以我觉的你这个大方向没有考虑清楚。但是我觉得你可以对你的文章做合适的拉回，可以不偏题的。

Some people do not want to spend a lot of money and time on the Network Game, so they can try other game like Cyber Game instead. Take another successful product of Blizzard----Warcraft----as an example. This is one of a strategic game which means people must try to control the general situation. They should develop the economy and military equally, because without economy without military, without military without triumph. People also need to choose the right time to disturb the development of enemies or even beat them to failure. We must consider the general situation in this game, to do the right thing in the right time, which will help us to finish our business more efficiency.

• 这一段我不改语法什么的，你可以自己去看一看
• 我觉得你这根本就不为主题服务，你就一个劲的在说这个游戏不太花时间和金钱，需要谋略。可以帮助我们以后的营生。同上面一段同样的问题再问自己一边。
  

Even though there are so much benefits to play computer game, we should also limit the time for children, because they can hardly control themselves when they are meeting these good games, we should also let them to know that study is the most major mission for them, so they must study well primarily.

• 要限制孩子，这个作为结尾段是不是有点不太合适。issue中提出了两个问题，这两个问题是同等的埃，你前面都是第一个问题，最后段就两句话把他草草带过，是不是有偏题之嫌。

评注：你有一个严重的问题啊，标点符号使用不当！

asn_12UID: 2583270

谢谢大家的关照，现修改如下
With the development of science and technology, people have more ways to enjoy themselves than ever before, playing computer games is one of them. More and more people like to kill their spare time especially the young through playing games, someone says it is waste of time, unlike them, I think playing computer game is not waste time, what's more, we can learn a lot from playing games which are good for our future.

Accompanying the advancement of networking technology, a lot of On-line Game have come out, we must communicate and work with other people in these games, so it is a good way to cultivate the spirit of teamwork. For instance, the most outstanding Network Game is World of Warcraft, made by Blizzard company. In this game, players can not enter  a 20--player mission alone, they must join in a team with different and appropriate combination, as a group, they must coordinate perfectly or they will all fail in the task.

Some people do not want to spend a lot of money and time on the Network Game, so they can try other game like Cyber Game instead. Take another successful product of Blizzard----Warcraft----as an example. This is one of a strategic game which means people must try to control the general situation. They should develop the economy and military equally, because without economy without military, without military without triumph. People also need to choose the right time to disturb the development of enemies or even beat them to failure. We must consider the general situation in this game, to do the right thing in the right time, which will help us to finish our business more efficiency.

There are also many other benefits we can get through playing computer games that I have not list, such as make friends, relax ourselves and so on. Because of these advantages, we should not prohibit the children from playing them. However, we should also limit the play] time, because they can hardly control themselves when they are meeting these good games, we should also let them to know that study is the most major mission for them, so they must study well primarily.

In conclusion, we can get a lot of benefits through playing computer games such as teamwork, treat something through general situation, relax ourselves, make friends... It is not waste time obviously. However, when it comes to children, we can let them play them, but we must control the time for them, and let them know that study well is the most important task.

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