TOEFL暑期集结号作文 第1次作业 by dingxiangzi

dingxiangziUID: 2556230

Do you agree or disagree? Playing computer games is wasting time; children should not be allowed to play them.
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7 r: v) S2 ?) n# O" q4 |提纲：
: I) Z! C/ c+ o- |% B5 G6 K我不同意题中观点0 v/ f( p6 W3 J6 a. z, B
1. 易导致上瘾
6 @8 q9 F" `4 H( u- R) m2. 上瘾害处太多
3. 很多代替措施
8 J4 f# O; G& W4 d+ Z% eToday video game has become increasingly popular among childrens. For some children perhaps it is the major way of relaxation and spending the private time. For some children coming together, talking about the tactics and maneuvers to win a game perhaps is the easiest way of drawing others' attention. having seen the substantial market behind this booming trend, many game-developing companies has began to compete fiercely on developing new games and propagending. It seems that everyone benefits from the efforts, the companies earn so much money and the children are so glad with the amazing games and the parents are free of the burden of staying a whole afternoon with the children. However when we look beneath the cover and look directly at the harms the video games has engendered to our children and the high price our society has to pay in the long term, perhaps current situation will not seem to be that harmony.

video games are so vivid and impressive that it can easily enchant the children and lead them into an addiction. Children are a special group with curiosity toward all new things and lower level of self managment. So when they begin to play a new video game, it is very likely that he is so fascinated that he indulge himself in it. This addiction can generate lots of problems. Firstly it deprives so much time that children need to do other important things. Children with an addiction will have less time to learn, less time to spend with friends, less chance to get contact with the outside world. Secondly indulgement easily lead to a psychological problem. Those getting frustrated in the real world life may use the game as way of eschewing. living in an imaginary world easily make one lose his determination and confidence to deal with real world difficulties. Another important point is that video games will gradually deprive the children's emotion and feelings as well as his physical health. Indulging in playing can give the children so much satisfication that he will neglect so many things around him, the care and love from the parents, the basic rules of interpersonal relationships, and perhaps even the pure frienships among classmates. Spending so much time playing video games can deteriorate the physical health of children as a result of both exhausted energy and lacking of physical exercises.

nowaydays most parents are under great working pressure and have to spend the whole day in the working place, having the children playing video games seems a good compensation, at least the children do not show a hatred toward it. However considering the negative effects of video games on children, the parents have every reason to replace it with another alternative. An alternative that can truely inspire the interests of children and can benefit them during their later ages. Having them to play with other children, learning painting or music, taking part in some sport activities, anything but playing games.

In sum, for the tendency of droping into an addiction and the great harm the addiction can bring toward the sound development of the children, I consider it a lack of responsibility and morale in letting alone the children playing video games without a bit of supervision and guardance. After all, children are the future of the society and can not bear being sacrified in the  process that benefiting everybody else.

MVTUID: 2588209

批改说明：
1. 红色: 不太合适的地方；
2. 蓝色: 值得学习的地方；
3. 淡紫: (my comment).

Today video game has become increasingly popular among childrens. For some children perhaps it is the major way of relaxation and spending the private time. For some children coming together, talking about the tactics and maneuvers to win a game perhaps is the easiest way of drawing others' attention. having seen the substantial market behind this booming trend, many game-developing companies has began to compete fiercely on developing new games and propagending. It seems that everyone benefits from the efforts, the companies earn so much money and the children are so glad with the amazing games and the parents are free of the burden of staying a whole afternoon with the children. However when we look beneath the cover and look directly at the harms the video games has engendered to our children and the high price our society has to pay in the long term, perhaps current situation will not seem to be that harmony(harmonious).(首段从当前孩子玩电脑游戏的大背景写起，引出作者的观点: the current situation is not harmonious. 语言表述准确，功底很强，非常值得学习！赞)

video games are so vivid and impressive that it can easily enchant the children and lead them into an addiction. Children are a special group with curiosity toward all new things and lower level of self managment. So when they begin to play a new video game, it is very likely that he(是不是应该统一用they 与children 一致？) is so fascinated that he indulge himself in it. This addiction can generate lots of problems. Firstly it deprives so much time that children need to do other important things. Children with an addiction will have less time to learn, less time to spend with friends, less chance to get contact with the outside world. Secondly indulgement easily lead to a psychological problem. Those getting frustrated in the real world life may use the game as way of eschewing. living in an imaginary world easily make one lose his determination and confidence to deal with real world difficulties. Another important point is that video games will gradually deprive the children's emotion and feelings as well as his physical health. Indulging in playing can give the children so much satisfication that he will neglect so many things around him, the care and love from the parents, the basic rules of interpersonal relationships, and perhaps even the pure frienships among classmates. Spending so much time playing video games can deteriorate the physical health of children as a result of both exhausted energy and lacking of physical exercises. (第一个驳斥观点:上瘾（与外界隔离、生理问题、情感问题）论述很充分！)



nowaydays most parents are under great working pressure and have to spend the whole day in the working place, having the children playing video games seems a good compensation, at least the children do not show a hatred toward it. However considering the negative effects of video games on children, the parents have every reason to replace it with another alternative. An alternative that can truely inspire the interests of children and can benefit them during their later ages. Having them to play with other children, learning painting or music, taking part in some sport activities, anything but playing games.(本段给出建议:让步游戏的一点好处compensate to parents' great working pressure,但是作者建议make friends, learning music/painting, sport participation)

In sum, for the tendency of droping into an addiction and the great harm the addiction can bring toward the sound development of the children, I consider it a lack of responsibility and morale in letting alone the children playing video games without a bit of supervision and guardance(guidance?). After all, children are the future of the society and can not bear being sacrified in the  process that benefiting everybody else.(结论:需要supervision and guidance)
CONCLUSION:
1. 楼主英语功底很强，我主要学习来着，实在改不出什么毛病,sorry!
2. 作者采用新思路: 背景引出观点---阐述游戏的坏处---提出代替游戏的其它方法---结论（监督和指导），打破传统总分总结构，值得学习；
3. 只是个人觉得B2部分给出的建议对文章整体不是很有用，是不是可以简化到结论里和结论一起说，然后把B1部分再分述一下呢？一家之言，嘿嘿。

zliuKaiserUID: 2522209

Today video game has become increasingly popular among children. For some children perhaps it is the major way of relaxation and spending the private time. For some children coming together, talking about the tactics and maneuvers to win a game perhaps is the easiest way of drawing others' attention. Having seen the substantial market behind this booming trend, many game-developing companies have begun to compete fiercely on developing new games and propagending (propagating). It seems that everyone benefits from the efforts, the companies earn so much money and the children are so glad with the amazing games and the parents are free of the burden of staying a whole afternoon with the children. However when we look beneath (through) the cover and look directly at the harms the video games has engendered to our children and the high price our society has to pay in the long term, perhaps current situation will not seem to be that harmony.


Video games are so vivid and impressive that it can easily enchant the children and lead them into an addiction. Children are a special group with curiosity toward all new things and lower level of self management(self-disciplined). So when they begin to play a new video game, it is very likely that he is so fascinated that he indulges himself in it. This addiction can generate lots of problems. Firstly it deprives so much time that children need to do other important things. Children with an addiction will have less time to learn, less time to spend with friends, less chance to get contact with the outside world. Secondly indulgement (没有这个名词addiction in video games) easily lead (leads) to psychological problems. Those getting frustrated in the real world life may use the game as way of eschewing. Living in an imaginary world easily make one lose his determination and confidence to deal with real world difficulties. Another important point is that video games will gradually deprive the children's emotion and feelings as well as his physical health. Indulging in playing can give the children so much of satisfaction that he will neglect so many things around him, (like) the care and love from the parents, the basic rules of interpersonal relationships, and perhaps even the pure friendships among classmates. Spending so much time playing video games can deteriorate (deteriorate是不及物动词) the physical health of children as a result of both exhausted energy and lacking of physical exercises. (可以改为The physical health will deteriorate if the children spending excessive time playing video games which will result in the reduction of time that should be used to doing physical exercises and taking rests.)


Nowadays most parents are under great working pressure and have to spend the whole day in the working place, having the children playing video games seems a good compensation, at least the children do not show hatred (不可数名词) toward it. However considering the negative effects of video games on children, the parents have every reason to replace it with another alternative (原来那样写第二个句子没有谓语) that can truly inspire the interests of children and can benefit them during their later ages, (like) having them to play with other children, learning painting or music, taking part in some sport activities, anything but playing (video) games.


In sum (summary), for the tendency of dropping into an addiction and the great harm the addiction can bring toward the sound development of the children, I consider it a lack of responsibility and morale in letting alone the children playing video games without a bit of supervision and guidance. After all, children are the future of the society and cannot bear, (这里为什么要有bear,如果有bear的话主语还是children吗,我认为应该是adults) being sacrificed in the  process that benefiting everybody else.

水平好高啊, 实在是佩服.
在修改的过程中我学会了很多词和词组, 希望我以后能用上. 例如
Tactic, maneuver, substantial market, booming trend, enchant, indulge, deprives, eschew, deteriorate, hatred, have every reason(有充足的理由)
结构很清晰, 第一段提出论点, 第二段论述理由, 第三段提出改进方法, 结尾总结.
第一次修改, 有什么错误或者做的不合适的地方请提出,谢谢