TOEFL暑期集结号作文 第1次作业 by weflx

weflxUID: 2237166

In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay(from tw185).
As what the speaker talked about, at present, people surely live longer than ever before. I am with the speaker due to coming reason to advocate that.

It is obvious reason I support. With human society developing, our material life is coming ample. It is surely that our strong body depends on healthy food. Right now, most people over the world can buy what they want in supermarket, such as, various healthy fruits, vegetable, beef and so forth. Admittedly, these foods not only supply daily nutrition but promote our body part for more vigorous in the long term. Moreover, food quality is strictly supervised by offices, it also makes sure the food safety and pirate vender never sales the rotten food. As a result, healthy food is significant point to benefit people long live.

What is more, more and more people would like to take part in outside exercise to build up body. On holiday, people ride a bike from one site to another for a long distance, play football or basketball, all of which is going to strength us. For example, one man who always persists on doing exercise everyday must be live longer than one who never does so. Life is based on sport forever.

Finally, medical science takes a great progress to help people long live. Ever before, some disease is not cured successfully and over here no therapy treat them, for instance, cold flu, which is normal illness nowadays, ever makes great threat in human beings history. However, medical technology advanced and new medical machine to be produced to inspect the symptom, most of all disease is not a human beings’ healthy obstacle as well. Thereby, it is most possibly that people live longer in the long run, maybe 200 years old?


In sum, I am sure that people is going to live longer than ever before with our material life coming abundant, we can gain more nutrition element from these foods. Furthermore, people would like to choose one healthy way to do exercise to strong body. Surely, medical science advanced as well as provide a powerful security for our healthy to live long.

REVIEW THE ABOVE COMPOSITION:  Modified By ID MVT
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1. 红色:
不太合适的地方；
2. 蓝色:
值得学习的地方；
3. 淡紫: my comment.! I4 w, s; d: a) H8 l" c; {, m# [; z
As what the speaker talked about, at present, people surely live longer than ever before. I am with the speaker due to coming reason to advocate that.(开头言简意赅，点出观点，用语简洁、地道)#

It is obvious reason I support. With human society developing, our material life is coming ample. It is surely that our strong body depends on healthy food. Right now, most people over the world can buy what they want in supermarket, such as, various healthy fruits, vegetable, beef and so forth. Admittedly, these foods not only supply daily nutrition but promote our body part for more vigorous in the long term. Moreover, food quality is strictly supervised by offices, it also makes sure the food safety and pirate vender never sales the rotten food.(Here is too absolute to make this statement. Does the priate vender never sell rotten food actually? In fact, in Chinese market there are uncounted commodities below the quality requirement.). As a result, healthy food is significant point to benefit people long live..(本段理由：食物更健康+更丰富。丰富体现出来了，但是我觉得作者没有论证好"健康")

What is more, more and more people would like to take part in outside exercise to build up body. On holiday, people ride a bike from one site to another for a long distance, play football or basketball, all of which is going to strength us. For example, one man who always persists on doing exercise everyday must be live longer (这儿跟上段犯同样的错误. How will it go if the exerciser had a heavy heart diseases? Must he/she lives longer than that withou excercise? Maybe not!) than one who never does so. Life is based on sport forever.(本段理由：人们更加注重健身。我认为本段论证不是很有说服力，难道以前的人就没有注重健身吗？)

A+ I
Finally, medical science takes a great progress to help people long live. Ever before, some disease is not cured successfully and over here no therapy treat them, for instance, cold flu, which is normal illness nowadays, ever makes great threat in human beings history. However, medical technology advanced and new medical machine to be produced to inspect the symptom, most of all disease is not a human beings’ healthy obstacle as well. Thereby, it is most possibly that people live longer in the long run, maybe 200 years old？(本段理由：医疗迅速发展。推理严谨，过渡词使文章表述更加流畅。)- I- P: F8 a" U" `$ A5 e

In sum, I am sure that people is going to live longer than ever before with our material life coming abundant, we can gain more nutrition element(B1好像没有论述营养丰富这一点，食物丰富＝营养丰富？) from these foods. Furthermore, people would like to choose one healthy way to do exercise to strong body. Surely, medical science advanced as well as provide a powerful security for our healthy to live long.(最后终结文章的观点): h+ L7 E! X; [* X$ A9 c0 B- e# {
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|MY COMMENTS:
1. 文章总体脉络清晰，结构合理，表述正确，是地道的总－分－总构造，比较正统的论述模式，不容易偏题；/ x5 c2 o7 M, w+ M
2. 个人感觉营养丰富（B1）部分没有论述透彻，健身（B2）部分理由不是很充分；% E% U/ u% @6 r2 y
3. 部分观点表述太绝对。
一家之言，仅供参考，希望楼上批判听取，致谢！