本帖最后由 米饭袜子 于 2009-7-19 17:23 编辑
ETS公布的范文少之又少，但是一文既出，必属精品，不做好好分析实在可惜。一篇文章的分析可以有很多方面，我就说说哪些改写，怎么写好吧，希望一起讨论。有不妥之处，请大家指出。同时也希望作文互改小组在批改他人文章时，多从文章整体入手，切莫陷入对语法的纠缠中，这对作者和自己的帮助都是及其小的。
In this era of rapid social and technological change leading to increasing life complexity and psychological displacement, both positive and negative effects among persons in Western society call for a balance in which there are both specialists and generalists.
（第一次看到这篇文章，如果不说是ETS公布的范文，从开头来看，我会以为这是篇中国学生的习作，开头大而空地说“随着社会的进步和科技的发展……”大家是不是很熟悉啊？我们以前都喜欢这么写吧？但是ETS是ETS，写这句话的时候是把复杂问题高度概括，提取背景。我们写的话，要是不能后文继续经典与细腻，那这个开头就是无中生有，无病呻吟。慎重使用这种万能模板式的开头。E-rater在评分的时候，只会根据数据库来找关键词句和语法查错，所以，论点里的词语一定要准确，清晰，便于定位。例如本文中的“call for a balance”。其次，考虑阅卷人的心情，文章尽量清新，清晰。即主句突出，用浅显的例子深入分析，这点我在下面将会讲到）
Specialists are necessary in order to allow society as a whole to properly and usefully assimilate the masses of new information and knowledge that have come out of research and have been widely disseminated through mass global media. As the head of Pharmacology at my university once said (and I paraphrase): “I can only research what I do because there are so many who have come before me to whom I can turn for basic knowledge. It is only because of each of the narrowly focused individuals at each step that a full and true understanding of the complexities of life can be had. Each person can only hold enough knowledge to add one small rung to the ladder, but together we can climb to the moon.” This illustrates the point that our societies level of knowledge and technology is at a stage in which there simply must be specialists in order for our society to take advantage of the information available to us. （正文第一段总起，指明speciallists are necessary。注意，如果菜鸟写的话，就会这样写：specialists are improtant, because they are necessary to the society。后面开始分析，举例。但是这样的话，总起句就没有气势了。应该在从句中写写对社会的用途，这个时候大而空就没问题了，因为是在细化的基础上，不像首段一上来就念经会招来反感。另外，本段的例子是一句话，更是分析说明，不过是借老师的嘴巴而已。我们在文章中也可以这样做，我的初中班主任，我的前一任领导等等，这样应用有几个好处：一是可以用口语语气行文，轻松又快。二，解释主句起来很浅显易懂，又容易深入，最好发挥中国同学说大道理的本事。三，字数，解释，例子的要求都达到了。最后再用一句和本段首句同意变换的句子总结，考验考生的文采了，拿分点一般就是这些总结性的句子，要求准确又深入，文采要求很高。ETS之在当年把逻辑题（虽然我也没见过）换成作文，为什么是argu肯issue各一篇呢？前者是由例子，分析驳倒别人的结论，后者是由结论展开自己的分析和例子。所以每一段，尽量有明显的主句，切题的分析，恰当的例子。这样，rater看了，就知道你知道他想要你知道什么，你知道了吗？)
Simply put, without specialists, our society would find itself bogged down in the Sargasso sea of information overload. While it was fine for early physicists to learn and understand the few laws and ideas that existed during their times, now, no one individual can possibly digest and assimilate all of the knowledge in any given area. （过度句，承上启下。本文写作没有时间限制，这段在考场上就有点奢侈了，但是也是出彩的地方。运用了一个比喻，同时对上段没说到方面进行补充，说明作者看到了题目的复杂性，苦于写在上段太过冗长又突兀，于是放在了这里。所以考生在考场上有很多话要说的时候，挑要害，同时在过渡段，首末句点一点，让整文饱满。rater喜欢这样的句子，因为你看到事物的复杂性，这是高分的要点之一，这样他给你高分才不会掉饭碗。别忘记了，rater们也是打工仔，他们只求一个字：稳。所以有些同学追求新奇的文笔和思路，充其量讨了个喜欢，但是未必人家敢给你高分，因为一个rater在改分的时候，要以Erater为基础，并且尽量不要和另外一个rater出入太大，不然次数多了老板会请他去办公室喝咖啡。）
On the other hand, Over specialization means narrow foci in which people can lose the larger picture. No one can hope to understand the human body by only inspecting one’s own toe-nails. What we learn from a narrow focus may be internally logically coherent but may be irrelevant or fallacious within the framework of a broader perspective. Further, if we inspect only our toenails, we may conclude that the whole body is hard and white. Useful conclusions and thus perhaps useful inventions must come by sharing among specialists. Simply throwing out various discoveries means we have a pile of useless discoveries, it is only when one can make with them a mosaic that we can see that they may form a picture. （很明显的转折词：on the other hand。有了上文的充分分析specialists，下文的开始显得摩拳擦掌。这段最值得学习的地方是作者的比喻，拿指甲来说事，没有复杂的单词，句型，语法，但是一针见血。如果是写中文，我们可以举盲人摸象的例子，比这个更有文采。英语写作，最佳境界就是拿简单易写的食物来打比方，好写，生动，例证和分析水乳交融，考官看了怎么能不舒服？这个考试时候很难发挥，所以考生要在平时多总结生活，做有心人，而不是去买经济学人，国家地理杂志等等背那些自己也晕的例子。有启发吗？来，笑一个）
Not only may over-specialization be dangerous in terms of the truth, purity and cohesion of knowledge, but it can also serve to drown moral or universal issues. Generalists and only generalists can see a broad enough picture to realize and introduce to the world the problems of the environment. With specialization, each person focuses on their research and their goals. Thus, industrialization, expansion, and new technologies are driven ahead. Meanwhile no individual can see the wholistic view of our global existence in which true advancement may mean stifling individual specialists for the greater good of all. （这一段就厉害了！这篇文章是平衡观点，所以必须综合比较两者，并且突出各自优点还不分上下。这个平衡不是说你好我也好，我们一样好，而是你做好这个，我做好那个，我们互相帮助抬水喝。大部分人在比较两者的时候，没有很好的结合，所以每一句都一句一句的，各自突兀。写好的具体操作，简单来说可以把要说的问题描述为一个过程，两个方面一个个上，最后功德圆满，这样比较能有机结合两者特点。每个rater看卷的时间很短，至于短到什么程度，不要不敢想，高考语文改卷时间当年一爆料就超出我们的想象。所以，notonly，but这种意图明显的词语一定要有，发在第一位给rater看，他一看，“哦，好，在往下看，第二句第一个词是generalists，第三句话最开始的词是with specialization，就够了。他前面知道你文采很牛，后面的肯定差不了，所以也就看个热闹，知道你用了并列，知道你要用相互比较分析，行了，你写作，我放心”。这种YY的前提是，文笔过关，中心词和关系词突出。）
Finally, over-specialization in a people’s daily lives and jobs has meant personal and psychological compartmentalization. People are forced into pigeon holes early in life (at least by university) and must consciously attempt to consume external forms of stimuli and information in order not to be lost in their small and isolated universe. Not only does this make for narrowly focused and generally poorly-educated individuals, but it guarantees a sense of loss of community, often followed by a feeling of psychological displacement and personal dissatisfaction. （这一段和上一段其实是一体的，但是论述方法不同，这个是从反面来说。这样整个论述显得很得体很充分，但是考试时候我们肯定就把两段综合了，中间加上转折词。具体操作见上段。要补充的是，这一段作者大秀文采，如果我们把这一段放到上段里去作为结尾，那么墨水就要着重洒在前部分。我们要想rater所想，英语的思维习惯就是把重要的放前面，后面的基本带过，相信大家做阅读的时候对这点体会很深。我们可不想辛辛苦苦在后半部分写了半天，rater就看了个主句。） Without generalists, society becomes inward-looking and eventually inefficient. Without a society that recognizes the importance of broad-mindedness and for sharing generalities, individuals become isolated. Thus, while our form of society necessitates specialists, generalists are equally important. Specialists drive us forward in a series of thrusts while generalists make sure we are still on the jousting field and know what the stakes are. （最后一段在前面两段太极推手般的反复论述后，已经显得很多余，但是必不可少，再次点题既可。而本文两个without，一个thus，很有气势，做到了豹尾。明显点题性的结尾一定要，不用写这么好，大家在考试时候可以先写开头和结尾，在写body，这样不会只用一秒钟写最后一段。据说，是据说，最后一段和它的位置一样，重要性最次了。但是我觉得一个人看文章的习惯，会最后仔细看一眼来踏实一下对全文的感觉，尤其对于母语是英语的rater，一秒足够了，所以大家要再次确保清晰清楚清新，但是不可太费笔墨，因为你有多少货，前面已经表现的很清楚了，后面的精彩不会给你加分，但是写不好，一定会扣分：“这孩子，结尾写得忒匆忙了，全文才400个字还没写完结尾，给个3分客气一下吧”）
本来想好好提取下本文的精彩句式，但是，大部分人对文章的整体把握还很欠缺，不能急于求成，拔苗助长。等练习到一定量的时候，好的句子自然会稳稳地附着在坚实的骨架上给文章添彩并且不会压垮它。希望大家在写作中注意这一点。
--------------------------------
这篇范文分析虽然没有Bernina分析的细致，但自己的思考同样精彩。我们开设spectacular范文分析的专题最终目的也是让大家参与进来，让大家学会自己去分析范文。所以这一集就给大家展示GTER板油的智慧~
顺便打个广告，希望更多人在作文版展现自己精彩的思考！:victory:
-----by 米饭
| 
GO
发表于 2009-7-18 21:56:46
回应
发表于 2009-7-18 22:12:15
发表于 2009-7-18 22:56:18
1.为什么想学建筑，什么时候接触这个专业的2.最喜欢的建筑师或者项目作品3.为什么选择威敏4.提问
转发
