0910AW 同主题写作第十期 ISSUE48 by fake

fake2009UID: 2631119

题目：ISSUE48 - "The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."
字数：545            用时：00:43:26       日期：2009-7-18 10:59:18

We remember and get information from the remarkable historical events due to the emphasis put on the individuals. Admittedly, those events and trends in history were made by the famous few and the groups of the followers. Though we only tend to remember the few. And it's beneficial to focus on the few individuals in the study of history.

For one thing, for the emphasis of the few, we can remember those events, thus be offered inspirations and intentions to make achievements. Individuals be remembered, serve as symbols, spiritual ones. Especially in those movements which need to be conducted by quite a few people, those few individuals always play indispensable role. In the foundation of the Republic of China, Chairman Mao, as a military and also spiritual leader, guided the people to drive out the invaders and found their own nation. However, it's not recommendable to follow elitism, which embraces an idea that put too much emphasis on several sparkling individuals, while neglecting the great impulse of large groups of followers. From the perspective of the demands of society, the study of the few individuals is more satisfying. There's no doubt that society needs more leaders to initiate or advocate a trend, instead of followers. More people who are initiative and revolutionary could think critically towards the general social condition, to better and perfect it.

In addition, the individuals selected should be representative and comprehensive. By saying this I mean that, those people should be selected from different typical groups to form a picture as comprehensive as possible. For instance, the Industrial Revolution experienced a change of society, in literature, science, economy, etc. When we study this period of history, we should cover every conceivable aspects, or social groups, to get information of the history in which the meaning of history study lies in.


The fact is that, the study of history is a process of generalization and extract. Yes, it's after this process that can figure out the valuable thoughts an event or trend left to later generations. In my opinion, it's beneficial and proper way to study the history. A collection of the name list of all attendants of one movement is obviously of no meaning, let alone the significance to descendants.

However, as far as I am concerned, the study of the few individuals and the study of groups of people are not contradictory. Their ultimate goal is identical, to closely touch upon that specific period of time, what happened, what emerged, what disappear, etc. The reason why they became a group, there exist the potential recognition and appreciation among them. If they often hold the opposite ideas, the group wouldn't be cohesive enough to succeed and make a difference. In this sense, whether the emphasis is put on individuals or groups, the acquisition of the property our ancestors left to us wouldn't change or be affected.

In sum, the study of historical individuals should be emphasized. The society needs more people to be initiative and revolutionary. Yet, the significance of the followers cannot be neglected. However, the study of individuals and groups are not contradictory to each other, they both benefit the latter generation. When we get information from the history, we should take advantage of them to better today's world.

家家☆yoonjaeUID: 2646910

UP~ 今天家家一定过来给楼楼改好，请稍候

家家☆yoonjaeUID: 2646910

题目：ISSUE48 - "The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

字数：545            用时：00:43:26       日期：2009-7-18 10:59:18

We remember and get information from the remarkable historical events due to the emphasis put on the individuals. Admittedly, 【这个admittedly用得让我觉得有点疑惑，通常这个词出现之前会有铺垫，楼楼在这之前的铺垫是强调individuals的作用，而这里的“诚然”后面跟的内容却是转折意味的，逻辑衔接上有误】those events and trends in history were made by the famous few and the groups of the followers. Though【这个词个人感觉在力度上不够】 we only tend to remember the few. And【没有看到跟上面的承接，何来and？】 it's beneficial to focus on the few individuals in the study of history.
【开头的写作思路挺明确的，可是表达上欠妥，尤其是逻辑连接词，用时请斟酌，它是双刃剑，用得不好反而会让rater对你的印象分大打折扣。另外，要强调你的主题思想】

For one thing, for the emphasis of the few, we can remember those events, thus be offered inspirations and intentions to make achievements. Individuals be remembered, serve as symbols, spiritual ones. Especially in those movements which need to be conducted by quite a few people, those few individuals always play indispensable role. In the foundation of the Republic of China, Chairman Mao, as a military and also spiritual leader, guided the people to drive out the invaders and found their own nation. However, it's not recommendable to follow elitism, which embraces an idea that put too much emphasis on several sparkling individuals, while neglecting the great impulse of large groups of followers.【看到这里，我迷惑了，根据你本段的TS，应该是要强调individuals的正面作用的，怎么突然来了句however, it is not recommendable to...】 From the perspective of the demands of society, the study of the few individuals is more satisfying. 【彻底看不懂了，忽正忽反？？】There's no doubt that the society needs more leaders to initiate or advocate a trend, instead of followers. More people who are initiative and revolutionary could think critically towards the general social condition, to better and perfect it.【这句话你放在那个Chairman Mao的例子后面难道不更好么？】

【这一段我觉得看起来很混乱，论证忽正忽反，也许楼楼在阐述中希望区别outstanding individuals跟elitism（所谓的杰出人物统治论），但是按照楼主在本段内的论证顺序，只会confuse你的读者，每一个段落都必须紧紧围绕你的TS来展开，出现跟TS相悖的内容都是不合常理的。也许应该简化你的思维，一是一，二是二，阐述清楚是首要问题，不要让你的“全面思维”来disturb你的文章构架】

In addition, the individuals selected should be representative and comprehensive.【这个TS我持质疑态度，存在跳跃性思维】 By saying this I mean that, those people should be selected from different typical groups to form a picture as comprehensive as possible. For instance, the Industrial Revolution experienced a change of society, in literature, science, economy, etc. When we study this period of history, we should cover every conceivable aspects, or social groups, to get information of the history in which the meaning of history study lies in.

【这一段内容倒是紧扣着本段的TS展开论述了，可是我没有发现这个跟整个文章主旨之间的interaction】

The fact is that, the study of history is a process of generalization and extract. Yes, it's after this process that can figure out the valuable thoughts an event or trend left to later generations. In my opinion, it's beneficial and proper way to study the history. A collection of the name list of all attendants of one movement is obviously of no meaning, let alone the significance to descendants.

However, as far as I am concerned, the study of the few individuals and the study of groups of people are not contradictory. Their ultimate goal is identical, to closely touch upon that specific period of time, what happened, what emerged, what disappear, etc. The reason why they became a group, there exist the potential recognition and appreciation among them. If they often hold the opposite ideas, the group wouldn't be cohesive enough to succeed and make a difference. In this sense, whether the emphasis is put on individuals or groups, the acquisition of the property our ancestors left to us wouldn't change or be affected.

【紧接着的这两段我个人感觉跟前面的论述脱节了，思维跳跃太大，应该重新整合一下，开始论证的时候前阐明强调个人的好处及必要性，接着说明过分强调的弊端，而后阐述合理的研究过程应该是BLA BLA BLA】

In sum, the study of historical individuals should be emphasized. The society needs more people to be initiative and revolutionary. Yet, the significance of the followers cannot be neglected. However, the study of individuals and groups are not contradictory to each other, they both benefit the latter generation. When we get information from the history, we should take advantage of them to better today's world.

fake2009UID: 2631119

题目：ISSUE48 - "The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

We remember and get information from the remarkable historical events due to the emphasis put on the individuals. In history, those events and trends in history were undoubtedly made by the famous few and the groups of the followers, though we only tend to remember the few. When it comes to the study of history, it's beneficial to focus on the few individuals.

For one thing, for the emphasis of the few, we can remember those events, thus be offered inspirations and intentions to make achievements. Individuals be remembered, serve as symbols, spiritual ones. Especially in those movements which need to be conducted by quite a few people, those few individuals always play indispensable role. In the foundation of the Republic of China, Chairman Mao, as a military and also spiritual leader, guided the people to drive out the invaders and found their own nation. From the perspective of the demands of society, the study of the few individuals is more satisfying. There's no doubt that the society needs more leaders to initiate or advocate a trend, instead of followers. More people who are initiative and revolutionary could think critically towards the general social condition, to better and perfect it.

The fact is that, the study of history is a process of generalization and extract. Yes, it's after this process that can figure out the valuable thoughts an event or trend left to later generations. In my opinion, it's beneficial and proper way to study the history. A collection of the name list of all attendants of one movement is obviously of no meaning, let alone the significance to descendants.

However, it's not recommendable to follow elitism, which embraces an idea that put too much emphasis on several sparkling individuals, while neglecting the great impulse of large groups of followers.

As far as I am concerned, the study of the few individuals and the study of groups of people are not contradictory. Their ultimate goal is identical, to closely touch upon that specific period of time, what happened, what emerged, what disappear, etc. The reason why they became a group, there exist the potential recognition and appreciation among them. If they often hold the opposite ideas, the group wouldn't be cohesive enough to succeed and make a difference. In this sense, whether the emphasis is put on individuals or groups, he acquisition of the property our ancestors left to us wouldn't change or be affected.

In addition, the individuals selected should be representative and comprehensive. By saying this I mean that, those people should be selected from different typical groups to form a picture as comprehensive as possible. For instance, the Industrial Revolution experienced a change of society, in literature, science, economy, etc. When we study this period of history, we should cover every conceivable aspects, or social groups, to get information of the history in which the meaning of history study lies in.

hugeseaUID: 190158

4# fake2009
谢谢家家的建议~~我来自改啦~~题目：ISSUE48- "The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. Themost significant events and trends in history were made possible not bythe famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long beenforgotten."

Weremember and get information from the remarkable historical events dueto the emphasis put on the individuals. In history, those events andtrends in history were undoubtedly made by the famous few and thegroups of the followers, though we only tend to remember the few. Whenit comes to the study of history, it's beneficial to focus on the fewindividuals.

Forone thing, for the emphasis of the few, we can remember those events,thus be offered inspirations and intentions to make achievements.（最好分成两句话来说，这样的表达很奇怪,若不是很清楚你要表达的意思的话，一定读不懂）Individuals be（be？am，is or are？还是虚拟语气省略了should？） remembered, serve as symbols, （又是逗号？serve……是插入语麽？）spiritual ones.（看完了整句，也没明白serve……到底是从句还是主句。） Especiallyin those movements which need to be conducted by quite a few people,those few individuals always play indispensable role. In the foundationof the Republic of China, Chairman Mao, as a military and alsospiritual leader, guided the people to drive out the invaders and foundtheir own nation. From the perspective of the demands of society, thestudy of the few individuals is more satisfying. （这句出现的好突兀啊，咋一下子就跳到了社会需要上来了？）There's no doubt thatthe society needs more leaders to initiate or advocate a trend, insteadof followers. More people who are initiative and revolutionary couldthink critically towards the general social condition, to better andperfect it.（NOT PROVE；而且与你的的主题句毫无关系。）

Thefact is that, the study of history is a process of generalization andextract. Yes, it's after this process that can figure out the valuablethoughts an event or trend left to later generations. In my opinion,it's beneficial and proper way to study the history.（why？still NOT PROVE） A collection ofthe name list of all attendants of one movement is obviously of nomeaning, let alone the significance to descendants.

However,it's not recommendable to follow elitism, which embraces an idea thatput too much emphasis on several sparkling individuals, whileneglecting the great impulse of large groups of followers.（STILL NOT PROVE）

Asfar as I am concerned, the study of the few individuals and the studyof groups of people are not contradictory. Their ultimate goal isidentical, to closely touch upon that specific period of time, whathappened, what emerged, what disappear, etc. The reason why they becamea group, there exist the potential recognition and appreciation amongthem. If they often hold the opposite ideas, the group wouldn't becohesive enough to succeed and make a difference. In this sense,whether the emphasis is put on individuals or groups, he acquisition ofthe property our ancestors left to us wouldn't change or be affected.

Inaddition, the individuals selected should be representative andcomprehensive. By saying this I mean that, those people should beselected from different typical groups to form a picture ascomprehensive as possible. For instance, the Industrial Revolutionexperienced a change of society, in literature, science, economy, etc.When we study this period of history, we should cover every conceivableaspects, or social groups, to get information of the history in whichthe meaning of history study lies in.

（看完全篇也没看到对题目第二句话的回应啊，回应不准确全面的话，ETS不会给你超过3分的，没有冒犯的意思，但是根据官方范文给的comments，我真觉得你的这篇在1分或2分之间；给个建议，官方范文要好好研究下，所有的1-6分的，而且包括每篇的comments）