Argument1 欢迎大家点评/谈感想/扔西红柿

JeremieUID: 2622601

午夜奉上一盘菜~~~大家全盘地拍也行,部分挑毛病也行,谈谈改进意见也欢迎,有几句说几句...Thanks in advance:)
1.The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.
" Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in c, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age. "

The plausible argument cites several evidence and to make a conclusion that to build new stores in Plainsville will certainly bring more profit. However, after careful reflection, we can find some significant flaws in the argument which make the conclusion illogical reasoning.

To begin with, there is no convincing proof that the residents in Plainsville are in favor of health food. A high sale in running shoes or exercise clothing is not the result of the citizens' interest in health food, which at best shows that they like sports or even just like the sports clothing fashion. Similarly, more participants at present may contribute to their concern about the shape. Simply put, having an interest in shape or sports doesn't necessarily mean that residents in Plainsville are highly concerned with health food.

Moreover, even we concede that the residents in Plainsville are really concerned with health food and other health-related products, we can't guarantee that NW can easily make money. What we should scrutinize is the comparison between NW and the other stores nearby, which determines the market share NW can finally get. To interpret in detail, we should also focus on several points: whether there are already certain stores selling similar health food, whether their selling satisfy the residents at a high degree and how the NW's advantage is, such as the quality of food, the service it can provide and the faith it offers.

In addition, it is still hasty to regard that the schoolchildren as new customers merely with the fact that they will participate in the fitness program. Even if the children do realize the value of fitness for life, whether they will keep their habit for long is hard to say. Furthermore, the program, which focuses on the benefits of regular exercise especially, has little to do with the conception of expense in health food. Anyway, it is unpersuasive to overrate such kind of facts without hesitation.

Before the final conclusion, it is also vital to point out that another flaw that concerning the profit of NW. The author fails to provide strong evidence or detailed data to support that NW will gain much profit. For one thing, the previous experience may not adapt to the current situation; for another, the president should offer the comparative accurate calculation about the cost and profit in order to draw a convincing conclusion.

After analyzing the evidence as well as the reasoning, it is clear that we cannot safely reach the conclusion that building new NW store in Plainsville is the best choice. Actually, many factors weigh heavily with the profit that a new store finally gains. To strength the argument, the author should make a specific investigation about the need of local residents at recent years and provide detailed statistics to substantiate that the new store can profit in Plainsville. After all, a false confidence in profit will do harm to both the staff and the brand of the chain stores.

conniewangUID: 2610802

The plausible argument cites severalevidence and(删除) to make a conclusion that to build new stores in Plainville willcertainly bring more profits. However, after a careful reflection, we can find some significantflaws in the argument which make the conclusion illogically reasoning.

To begin with, there is no convincing proof that the residents in Plainville are in favorof health food. A high sale in running shoes or exercise clothing is not theresult of the citizens' interests in healthfood, which at best shows that they like sports or even just like the sportsclothing fashion. Similarly, more participants atpresent may contribute to their concern about the shape.（这句话好像有点不通） Simply put,having an interest in shape or sports doesn't necessarily mean that residentsin Plainvilleare highly concerned with health food.

Moreover, even we concede that the residents in Plainville are really concernedwith health food and other health-related products, we can't guarantee that NWcan easily(删除) make money easily. What we shouldscrutinize is the comparison between NW and the other stores nearby, whichdetermines the market share NW can finally get. To interpret in detail, weshould also focus on several points: whether there are already certain storesselling similar health food, whether their selling(改成sales) satisfy the residents at a high degree and how(改成what) the NW's advantage is, such as the quality of food, the service itcan provide and the faith it offers.

In addition, it is still hasty to regard that（删除） the schoolchildren asnew customers merely with the fact that they will participate in the fitnessprogram. Even if the children do realize the value of fitness for life, whetherthey will keep their habits for long is hard tosay. Furthermore, the program, which focuses on the benefits of regularexercise especially, has little to do with the conception of expense in healthfood. Anyway, it is unpersuasive to overrate such kind of facts withouthesitation.

Before the final conclusion, it is also vital to point out that another flaw that(删除) concerning the profits of NW. The author fails to provide strong evidenceor detailed data to support that NW will gain much profits. For one thing, the previous experience may notadapt to the current situation; for another, the president should offer thecomparative accurate calculation about the cost and profit in order to draw aconvincing conclusion.

After analyzing the evidence as well as the reasoning, it is clear that wecannot safely reach the conclusion that building new NW store in Plainville is the bestchoice. Actually, many factors weigh heavily with the profit that a new storefinally gains. To strengthen the argument, theauthor should make a specific investigation about the need of local residents at(改成in) recent years andprovide detailed statistics to substantiate that the new store can profit in Plainville.After all, a false confidence in profit will do harm to both the staffs and the brand of the chain stores.

此外，Plainville这个词都改过来了，但没有在文中标注，建议写完之后先用word里的拼写语法检查。

总的说来我觉得本文写得不错，4个理由够充分，所以保守估计至少应该有5分吧。

DivineUID: 2650173

文章很流畅，攻击点恰当，而且进行了充分展开
我觉得最难能可贵的是楼主多变的句式和用词，给argument增添了不少色彩，而不仅仅是千篇一律的八股文
这也是我没有做好的一点
唯一的不足之处也在用词和句式上，有一些语法和词汇问题，不过无伤大雅
2-4段十分精彩，我得学习一下~
对了，倒数第二段提到过去经验不能适用于现在，这个论点合并到第三段里可能更自然些

JeremieUID: 2622601

2# conniewang

谢谢，我会注意的！

还有这句话
Similarly, more participants atpresent may contribute to their concern about the shape.（这句话好像有点不通）
我写得比较急因果写反了
contribute to 应改为result from，这样是不是就通了
我想说“……是由于关心体型”所以不吃高脂食物，这个意思~

JeremieUID: 2622601

3# Divine

你说的是,确实是写第三段时漏写了那个问题,于是就在后面提了.

写得超时了,但还是很仓促的感觉...一起加油~~