20天托福110分---旅狼的作文修改铺子

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

69# tomato100 题目……题目……题目……………………

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

70# 061308011 感觉你的太突兀，没有一点衔接。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

71# 061308011 monthly salary太狭窄了……用报酬好一些。你的文章最好避免同时支持两面，因为你的论述并不是你的强项，例子写的也一般，你的作文水平并不是很强，所以与其写两个都写不好，不如专心致志写一个观点，然后用2-3段去证明他，这样能够弥补你在写作技巧上的不足。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

72# 061308011 先不要管字数，先专心致志提高你的作文质量吧。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

73# pinoku 改过了

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

74# HYPS2011 写作技巧就是你对一篇文章的把握，就算是你作文水平很一般，但是通过一些技巧，比如丰富文章例子，长短句搭配等等，会是你的文章给人一种很惊艳的感觉。呵呵。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

75# manio 又是一片平衡性的文章。如果你是受到李笑来的启发，那么我劝你少写这类行的文章，我认识的朋友中，几乎没有写平衡性的文章的高分的。你本来是些一个观点的，现在被迫写两个，结果是你并不能两个全顾上，也就是说你的文章在写两方面的时候论证的并不充分。但就你的这篇文章来说，就没有例子，全在说理……平衡一下论证和例子，而不是平衡一下你的观点。最后，我还是很欣赏你的论证的，虽然不充分，但是句子的衔接和一些观点写的非常不错。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

76# ivytogether 你的第一段有一半都是废话，纯粹的凑字数……你的文章结构也很怪异……没看明白你的第二段是什么意思。但是你的论据写的非常不错，是我看过这么多篇以来应该排名前5了。但是你的文章中出现了太多的长句子，使文章晦涩难懂，如果坐下来细细读你的文章应该很不错的，但是一般改卷子的老师都没有这样的时间。另外，注意以下你的文章掌中的例子。最好写一些生活中的生动例子，不要总写一些很空洞的例子。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

78# tc1220 很喜欢第一段，写的非常棒。简介明了。综合全文看，你的文章实力很不错。但是你的论证还是有一些乱，希望能够在自己调理以下。<<The Pursuit of Happyness>>这个例子举得非常棒，不但引用的很恰当，而且例子选的也不错。如果非要指出一些你文章的毛病，我认为你的文章行文有一些拖沓，虽然不影响，但是如果你能把组后两段结合起来写会更好。把倒数第二段简略一些。总而言之，很不错的文章，赞一个。

manioUID：2581962

97# 腾格里旅狼
受教了,谢谢

manioUID：2581962

97# 腾格里旅狼 还得再谢一次

superzhangziUID：2614613

拜托~多谢~
多余的钱：旅游VS存钱
As to the argument that whether we should spend money on traveling or save it into bank, some people consider that it is better to spend money on traveling, on the contrary, others prefer to bank savings. As far as I am concerned, I do strongly support the former idea and I plan to illustrate my preference with the following reasons.

Firstly, considerable though the advantages saving money enjoys are, they can not compete with the benefits that distributing money to have a journey , when health is taken into account. It has been said that "no health, no wealth". Thus, without impressively sound well-being, hardly could we do anything but outlay money on innumerable medicine to deal with maladies. So when we are working that hard for earning money, is not it necessary that we give some consideration to take a rest for our health through having a marvelous touring? We visit a great amount cities, countries and a supply of renowned places of interests , such as statue of liberty in America, Eiffel Tower in France. With the fabulous traveling , we could be fairly relaxed and relieve the pressure efficiently from work and study ,undeniably, either to psychologically or to physically.

Secondly, coincident with many people who regard an abundant extension of knowledge as a crucial element for success is my heartfelt agreement with the idea that we are supposed to spend money on travelling. Thanks to traveling, we obtain a beneficial access to the vast ocean of knowledge. Not only could we undergo the alien culture and colorful customs, but also we gain a peculiar opportunity to learn foreign languages while we are at overseas. Only after you visit and observe the Gold Gate, for instance, you would substantially realize how magnificent the construction is and raise the passion to strive for your dream, like being an extraordinary architect. It is the traveling that could expand our horizon and provide a prominent access to a grand achievement.

In addition, due to travelling , we are able to make friends with the people who are from everywhere, even with distinct colors. We communicate with each other, exchange our ideas about all kinds of areas. The more frequently we communicate with others, the more harmonious the relationship between us are. And in my point of view , it is conceivably  reasonable to the whole world as well.      

To conclusion, though saving money in bank could ensure us living without trepidation, the benefaction brought by traveling is apparently more essential and practical. Therefore, I am convinced that it is better to spend money on traveling.

tomato100UID：2608246

麻烦您给提提意见咯
一个小问题，写作文的时候总感觉论点展开的很生涩，有时会出现写了主题句不知道怎么论证的状况，应该怎么解决啊

人们期待只在一个企业或者只给一个雇主工作是否现实
In current days, there appears a debatable issue that weather it is possible to work for one company during one’s whole life. Upon which, people’s opinion are totally divergent. Some people argue that it is common to stay in one company for nearly thirty to forty years, while others, including me, maintain that it is impossible to work for one company for so long time.

Admittedly, in the last thirty years, changing job is an impossible thing to most Chinese. For most of our parents, their life has been determined since their graduation. In the old institution, what kind of job a graduate student will have and how many new staffs a department will gat is decided by the government. Since the career is given buy the government, there is no possibility for a young student to choose or change, which means that one have to do the job he get first no matter he like it or not. The factory should be responsible for the retired life of the stuff as well as their children’s education problem.

With the process of the society, changing job is becoming more and more common in the now institution. People will change jobs if there will be better opportunity for their improvement. For many people, the first job is not the most satisfied since they do not have so much working experience. After several years of leaning and practice, one would have had a batter understanding of his field, accumulated a wealth of experience as well as acquainted many famous people. It is more likely for him to get a better job in some international company.

Another benefit which changing job can get is a better living condition. Hardly could a young graduate with little working experience find a job which can provide him a great amount of money. Changing a job after one or two years will be a chance for him to increase salary if he can inter a big international company. Obviously, this amount of money will change his living style. For example, by buying a car, his living pace will accelerate greatly.

To sum up, though the fact of working on only one company has be existed for decades in the old institution, people is tending to change jobs more frequently to seek better opportunity and have a better living condition..

zenghui111113UID：2667994

People can learn more from watching television than reading books
楼主，这是我写的第一篇托福论文。弄了好久，改了好久，总感觉没有什么进步。期待楼主的意见哈，千万不要留情啊……
It’s undeniable that continuously developing technologies have  brought tremendous benefits to every aspects of our modern life ,especially in learing area. Now, we are overwhelmed by a large amount of information coming from newspapers, televisions, books and other media, which means we no longer obtain knowledge merely by reading books .Media , especially television ,have became another significant ways for us to learn things. Some people even hold the opinion that we can learning more from watching television than reading books, which I don’t agree with .In my opinion, television and books are equally crucial ways of gaining knowledge.

Needless to say ,television has actually offered us tremendous information, such as the theory of photosynthesis from “everyday biology”, the secrets of Pyramid from “Discovery”.All of these information is presented in a cozy way Lie in bed ,we can watch White Shakes from “National Geograohy”.With the help of vivid videotapes taken in the ocean, we can understand and remember the characters of the White Sharks without difficulty.What’s more ,there are some knowledges that can only be gained from television. Suppose there’re two students who want to learn English pronuncation. One has 1000 books at hand telling him the skill of pronunciation ,another has planned to learn pronunciation from  one  television program called “Sesame Street”.One thing is certain, the man who watch television can spent less time learing more accurate English., Only through both visual and auditory ways ,can knowledge like pronunciation be gained. Also,knowledge which includes timely information,for instance, the real-time updates of events all over the world provided by Cable network new programs, can’t be provided by books.

On the other hand, books also play a significant role in obtaining knowledge.For one thing, We can learn nearly  everything from books :philosophy,history ,literature ,physics,mathematics anthropology and the list will go on. Unlike the television program which is limited by time and theme, books seem to have almost no limitation For another, not as television . books provides information which is much deeper and more conprehensive. “Pride and prejudice “is the book that touches me most. By reading the book ,I can feel how strong the power of love is .Meanwhile ,It’s the phychological discriptions that make me feel the slightest change of Elizabeth’s attitude to Darcy ,which certainly can’t be noticed through a movie on television.

In short ,it’s impossible to determine the ralative importance of television and books .Thus,it’s advisable for us to give equal priority to both of them.

fancywwUID：2583671

第一次来，这是今天的练习，lz多指教。辛苦了。

8.16:humorous friend and intelligent friend一个聪明的朋友比一个幽默的朋友重要(2008-1-5)

“A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself”. This quote aptly shows the important role that a friend plays in our life. Different qualities of friend are valued variously according to different people. In my opinion, I believe that an intelligent friend more important than a friend with a delight sense of humor. And intelligence here does not only mean wisdom, but more about abundant experiences and the ability of understanding.

To begin with, an intelligent friend provides us with intellectual support when we are in troubles or difficulties. Such support can be wise advice for our problems, careful analysis of our dilemma, and personal assist of our burden. Just as an old saying goes, “no road is long with good company”. With brilliant friends standing by us, no difficult is terrifying. Take me as an example. I fell into a mess when I was choosing my major in university. I became so frustrated because I felt confused about my future. My friend Susan, an intelligent and artistic college student, calmed me down and gave helpful suggestions with her perspectives and experiences. Under her assist I finally decided my major. Susan also helped me in various problems such as school work difficulties, boyfriend issues, and so on. In brief, this intelligent friend braces me up and cheers me on in difficulties.


Moreover, we can learn from our intelligent friends and improve ourselves. Intelligent friends can tell us things we do not know or we do not want to tell ourselves. From their extensive knowledge we can enrich our horizon; and their straightforward words help us face our flaws so we can improve and progress. Also, their inspirations and perseverance motivates us to pursue higher goals. Besides, intelligent friends can lead us to know more wise people and afford us with more opportunities. In a word, intelligent friends can help perfect ourselves and bring out the best in us.

Finally, it tends to be easier to build a healthy and mutual beneficial friendship with bright friends. Intelligent people have a comparatively higher capacity of understanding and empathy. So usually an intelligent friend is more sensible, reasonable, and considerate. They know the week point in friendship so they try to overcome or avoid it; they can sense our gloomy mood even through a text message and come to our side; they hardly ask for irrational demands, and they can always solve a discord quickly. In brief, we can expect longer and more wonderful friendship with intelligent friends.

To sum up, while friends should believe in and help each other, intelligent friends usually do not require reasons and conditions. They are good friends, but also teachers, mentors, and guides in our lives. So that’s why I regard intelligence as more important than a sense of humor.