虚心请教： 请大家帮忙看我的作文，多给点建议

laiaoUID: 2610776

小弟最近在复习雅思作文，很是头疼，自己拿评分标准估分感觉不靠谱儿，希望各位有经验大牛，小牛批评指正！ 本人感激涕零！
========================================================================


题目： The unpaid community service should be a compulsory part in high college programs (such as help your neighborhood or teaching the children sports or working for the charity ) .To what extent do you agree or disagree .



In present-day society , certain curriculums in high university become increasingly debatable issue , among which whether
volunteer service in communities should be a part os school programs does not achieve a consensus yet . Some argue that unpaid service is essential . As far as I concerned , this view has considerate merits .

It is apparent that volunteer work could benefit both the students who involve and the communities .To begin with ,this kind of service activities is in the best interest of college students. More specifically , volunteer work could cultivate a sense of obligation to the society as a whole .For instance , it enables students to get acknowledged what call for and what is not satisfied in the communities , which might promote their passion to do their utmost to change the unreasonable parts in public service . Furthermore ,doing unpaid service is also a good way to enrich their general knowledge and experiences of the world .By that I mean , they could learn a multitude of basic skills well used in practice and it is also quite important to form an independent , kindhearted and positive individuals .Last but not least , communities could benefit from it as well. They don’t need to invest extra money to certain community service which would be done by volunteer, such as teaching children English and doing charity work as a consequence. In that case , they are able to save their expenditure to some extent and
focus on other community services which are urgent to be solved .




Admittedly , making volunteer service as a compulsory program would probably increase burdens to college students. For instance , some students might already struggle to deal with current courses , extra program like community work would bring about
them a huge pressure. Even so , from a long term, this work could exert a positive role their further study and career ultimately . We should not be such short sighted .

Based on all the considerations above , I claim that the strengths of listing unpaid in communities as a compulsory course outweigh the downsides . Moreover , I am happy to say that to achieve more effective results , the high college should explore more reasonable and flexible methods to synthesize the extra volunteer work and academic activities well .

bqianaUID: 193168

6~6.5

laiaoUID: 2610776

感谢阅览，能不能给点修改意见，怎么才能到6.5-7呢？我是认真的！:)