Argument35 by simplelife1211 (modified by bernina)

simplelife1211UID: 2669353

不知写的如何，大家交流下

35The following appeared in the summary of a study on headaches suffered by the residents of Mentia.5 D, Z9 n/ p. ^& I' p) Y+ k1 @
  S2 x1 I# r8 h, B$ g
"Salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin, a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich in salicylates, for the past several decades food-processing companies have also been adding salicylates to foods as preservatives. This rise in the commercial use of salicylates has been found to correlate with a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported by participants in our twenty-year study. Recently, food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives for foods. With this new use for salicylates, we can expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia."

Before accepting the idea that the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia would be declined by using salicylates as additives for food, the argument could be questioned from several aspects. The author draws this conclusion from the company's study without accounting for the reliability of the study and the physical condition of the Mentia people.

To begin with, the author fails to substantiate that the study is statically reliable. As a common sense, headaches may be due to a variety of causes, such as career. Usually, students, professors and other academic workers will be more likely to suffer from headaches than common people. Since the author does not tell explicitly about the career of the participants, it is just likely that the participants are mainly composed of students and teachers. And such an example would then weaken the credibility of the company's study.

Moreover, granted that the study is credible, it does not indicate that the application of salicylates attributes to the decline in headaches. Steady use of aspirin could lower the incidence of headache. Sufficient sleep could also attribute to the decrease of headaches. What's more, people usually live a stressful life when they are young and enjoy a free life when they retired, and so the headache of people happens less frequently as people get older. Since the study mentioned lasted for twenty years, it is just possible that the headache disappeared naturally. However the author just fails to rule out these possibilities. It is not necessarily the salicylates that leads to the decline of headaches.

Additionally, decreasing the headache numbers by using salicylates as preservatives does not mean salicylates will still relieve the headache if used as additives. In order to use salicylates as additives, people have to increase the amount of salicylates in foods. However the function of medicine often changes with the quantity in use. If people use it as additives, perhaps it will do nothing to allay the headache or even spoil the situation. Without testing the effect of this change, it is unsafe to use salicylates as additives.

Finally, even if salicylates could really lower the number of headaches, the author fails to take into account the physical condition of Mentia people. What if salicylates can do nothing to Mentia people? And what if Mentia people are allergic to salicylates? In order to guarantee the safety and effect of such an application, it is proper to launch a study about the effect of salicylates on Mentia people first. Otherwise it is hasty to apply salicylates as additives in foods.


In conclusion, the author supplies a seemingly correct expectation about the number of headaches in Mentia, while the deduction is unwarranted. To buttress the conclusion, the author should rule out other possibilities for decreasing the headache numbers. The author should also prove that to use salicylates as additives in Mentia would have the same effect as it did in the company's study.

berninaUID: 2503038

紫色，我的建议
红色：有问题
墨绿：不错


Before accepting the idea that the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia would be declined by using salicylates as additives for food,（其实这里用一个很简单的 author's conclusion 就可以代替了，而且效果一样，记住，考场上的每一分钟都要用在最重要的地方。） the argument could be questioned from several aspects. The author draws this conclusion from the company's study without accounting for the reliability of the study and the physical condition of the Mentia people.

To begin with, the author fails to substantiate that the study is statically reliable(好开头！). As a（不用冠词，没有一个常识这样的说法） common sense, headaches may be（去掉，be 和 due 动词重复，一个句子怎么能有两个谓语？） due to a variety of causes, such as career. Usually, students, professors and other academic workers will be more likely to suffer from headaches than common people. Since the author does not tell explicitly about the career of the participants, it is just likely that the participants are mainly composed of students and teachers. And such an example would then weaken the credibility of the company's study.
我明白你这一段想要说调查的可靠性，可是你这么说他因是不好的，你想想看啊，作者就想用这个study说明 salicylates 让头疼的人少了，可是你说这些参与调查的人职业不明确，你说有可能是老师或者学生。好，那么就算他们是老师或者学生或者教授，那又怎么样呢？就算他们压力大，导致了头疼，那又怎么样呢？我不管是什么原因导致的头疼，现在这个头疼的人数就是少了，只要少了，作者的用这个study的论证目的就达到了。如果你想这么写，那最后也要写一句说这些人是因为现在压力变小了，所以头疼减轻了，而不是因为吃了什么salicylates，但是注意，如果你这么写，就和你下一段重复了。

所以我觉得你可以这么说，study说参与调查的人的中，头疼的人数减少了，但是作者没有说明这些参与调查的人到底吃了没吃含有salicylates preservatives的食物，我们知道，很多事物是不需要防腐剂的，比如新鲜的蔬菜，水果之类的。如果没有吃，那么他这个study不就完全没有意义了么？攻击的时候，千万要记住直击作者目的，把他的目的深深记在脑子里。


Moreover, granted that the study is credible, it does not indicate that the application of salicylates attributes to the decline in headaches（赞）. Steady use of aspirin could lower the incidence of headache（这句不用说，建议换成，the author ignores other alternative possibilities which may account for the declining of the headaches number.也就是说，强调一个他因的可能性，并且要在开头清清楚楚的告诉rater，你这段要说他因了。）. Sufficient sleep could also attribute to the decrease of headaches. What's more, people usually live a stressful life when they are young and enjoy a free life when they retired, and so the headache of people happens less frequently as people get older. Since the study mentioned lasted for twenty years, it is just possible that the headache disappeared naturally（恩，这个他因也可以，不过最好不要这么表达，可以说，the average age of the study's participants remains unclear,然后你再继续论证说，也许刚开始他们是中年，随着年龄增长，压力减轻，头痛也减轻了。也就是说，每个他因，最好以文章的漏洞开头）. However the author just（删掉） fails to rule out these possibilities. It is not necessarily the salicylates that leads to the decline of headaches.
说实话，这个他因找的有些牵强，你想，20年啊，有很多变化的啊，比如生活条件，医疗水平，等等，这些不都可以当做他因么？

Additionally, decreasing the headache numbers by using salicylates as preservatives does not mean salicylates will still relieve the headache if used as additives. In order to use salicylates as additives, people have to increase the amount of salicylates in foods. However the function of medicine often changes with the quantity in use. If people use it as additives, perhaps it will do nothing to allay the headache or even spoil the situation. Without testing the effect of this change, it is unsafe to use salicylates as additives.
？？这一段你貌似把作者的意思搞错了，他说要让S当成味觉添加剂，比如，草莓冰激凌 是加了草莓味的添加剂，这样。
这段重新写吧，关于味觉添加剂，有个很好说的就是，就算你加进去了，大家会喜欢这个味道么？如果不喜欢是不是没人买，如果没人买，怎么能得到他所谓的we can expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia."不就不可能发生了么？一个产品如果想要改善民生啊之类的，首先使这个产品要有效果，其次是大家要用它，如果它仅仅是效果好的不得了，没人用不是白扯么？呵呵~


Finally, even if salicylates could really lower the number of headaches, the author fails to take into account the physical condition of Mentia people. What if salicylates can do nothing to Mentia people? And what if Mentia people are allergic to salicylates? In order to guarantee the safety and effect of such an application, it is proper to launch a study about the effect of salicylates on Mentia people first. Otherwise it is hasty to apply salicylates as additives in foods.
这段就是说s的可适用性，可是文章说了这句：food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives for foods。既然文章都说可以了，你的质疑就没有多大必要了。。

In conclusion, the author supplies a seemingly correct expectation about the number of headaches in Mentia, while the deduction is unwarranted. To buttress the conclusion, the author should rule out other possibilities for decreasing the headache numbers. The author should also（换成 and 就行） prove that to use salicylates as additives in Mentia（foods吧） would have the same effect as it did in the company's study.（can be accepted by the entire citizen in Mentia）

IN sum 1,语言不错
           2 开头结尾，及每段的首句都不错，就是尽量不要啰嗦，直入主题
           3 逻辑和结构有问题，他因找的也不是很好。多多想想并和大家讨论讨论。

关于这个题，我问你几个问题，希望能启发你的思路。
1 阿司匹林是治疗头痛的，S和它有一样的chemical family 就能治疗头痛么？
2 那些调查的人吃了含有S的food么？
3 头疼数量的减少是s 在其作用么？
4 就算能用作风味添加剂，这味道能被广大群众所接受么？
5 就算被广大人民接受了，作者的结论：减少头疼的人，也不成立，因为s仅仅有治疗头疼的效果，而减少头疼人数需要这个s同样有预防头痛的效果，可是文章里没有说到此点，所以最多是减少头疼的时间而已。记住 预防=/=治疗

差不多这些了 好好想想，重新写写看。改的有些晚了，不好意思。
ps: 文章写的挺好，就是把逻辑理理顺就好。继续加油！


ok， any comment is welcomed.

simplelife1211UID: 2669353

2# bernina
多谢版主~辛苦了~~
其实第一段我想说teachers and students get headaches more easily than common people, 所以比较特殊不能说明问题. 不过这个和后面几段的反例确实不咋的,回头我再想想

berninaUID: 2503038

加油，保持开头结尾和首句的风格，注意一下语法小错误，理顺逻辑，你能写出不错的文章

继续努力，一定能进步。

simplelife1211UID: 2669353

重新修改的版本
TOPIC: ARGUMENT35 - The following appeared in the summary of a study on headaches suffered by the residents of Mentia.

"Salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin, a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich in salicylates, for the past several decades food-processing companies have also been adding salicylates to foods as preservatives. This rise in the commercial use of salicylates has been found to correlate with a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported by participants in our twenty-year study. Recently, food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives for foods. With this new use for salicylates, we can expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia."
WORDS: 394          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2009/8/12 10:22:41

Before accepting the conclusion, the argument could be questioned from several aspects. The author draw this conclusion based on the study of the company without accounting for other possibilities contributing to the headache decline and the feasibility of such an application.

To begin with, the author fails to prove that the study by the company is statically reliable. Usually, it takes a long time to test whether a kind of medicine is useful. However the study mentioned in the argument only lasted for twenty years. It is possible that after the twenty years the incidence of headache will rise. The author should provide sufficient evidence that the test lasted long enough, otherwise it is too hasty to come to any conclusion about the situation of headache.

Additionally, granted that the company's study is reliable, it does not indicate that the use of S is responsible for the decline in headache numbers. As common sense, headache is a result synthetic to a variety of factors. Since the study took twenty years, during the twenty years, the medical service and people's life may have greatly changed. Perhaps the headache number decreased because of the newly invented medicine. Or perhaps, the living stress of people is much lower than before, which leads to the decline in the number of headache. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author could not unfairly say S is the reason to the headache number declining.

Finally, even if using S could really allay the headache, it is little indication that using it as flavor additives would still have such function. In order to be used as flavor additives, S should have a good taste, while the author fails to prove this. Absent such evidence, it is possible that S does not taste good and people in M do not want to buy the food with S. If so, even if S has the function on headache, there will be few people using it and thus the use of S will have nothing to do with headache of M people.

In conclusion, the author supplies a seemingly feasible advice to decrease the number of headaches, while the deduction is unwarranted. To better buttress the conclusion, the author must show this study is reliable and make sure S is the cause of the decrease in headache numbers, and prove that using S as flavor additives will also have such a function.

xueyiUID: 2647060

楼主的attribute用错了吧，应该用contribute吧。
attribute是归因于，正好用反了。
BTY，赞一下bernina的修改，又认真，又漂亮！

simplelife1211UID: 2669353

6# xueyi
真是哎，多谢指正