Argument137 [勇往直前小组]第一次作业by strontium023

strontium023UID：2316968

137 The following appeared in an editorial in the Mason City newspaper.

"At present, Mason City residents seldom use the nearby Mason River for any kind of recreational activity, even though surveys of the region's residents consistently rank water sports (swimming, fishing, and boating) as a favorite form of recreation. Since there have been complaints about the quality of the water in the river, residents must be avoiding the river because they think that it is not clean enough. But that situation is about to change: the agency responsible for rivers in our region has announced plans to clean up Mason River. Therefore, recreational use of the river is likely to increase, so the Mason City council will need to increase its budget for improvements to the publicly owned lands along the Mason River."


According to the newspaper,the author suggests that the Mason City council should increase its budget for improvements to the publicly owned lands along the Mason River.Because he estimates recreactional use of the river is likely to increase.But i think there are some problems in this article.

First, residents in Mason City may not like entertainment in or around the river.In this passage the author shows that the residents avoid the river because of the bad smell of the river,he think when the river turns clean,the residents will like the recreactional activity about the river.But in his statement he also said people seldom use the recreactional activity.Maybe people in Mason City don’t have the costom in recreaction about water.

We also can see the proof in the statement that people there not like water sports.The first line proves that even though surveys of the region's residents consistently rank water sports,people in Mason City not often go to the nearby of the river.

Secondly, the agency responsible for rivers in our region has announced plans to clean up Mason River doesn’t mean they encourage people to take part in recreational activity about the water.Maybe they will even avoid people to do sports in the river to keep the river clean.

Thirdly,even though people increase the activitis,the City council not need to invest in the improvement of the publicly owned land.In this passage the writer don’t provide enough evidence to make us think that the publicly owned land have need to be restructured.

Last ,after so many years,why there are not any recreational activity,maybe not only the reason the water is not clean enough or whether people like the river sports or not,but also because they didn't have enough money for the extra entertainment expanse.

Therefore,whether the publicly owned land should be improve depends on so many reasons,it should provide more spercific reasons to persuade all.And the convey must do again to find out more details about the realities there.



提纲:
205 The following appeared in a recommendation from the president of Amburg's Chamber of Commerce.

"Last October the city of Belleville installed high intensity lighting in its central business district, and vandalism there declined almost immediately. The city of Amburg has recently begun police patrols on bicycles in its business district but the rate of vandalism there remains constant. Since high intensity lighting is apparently the most effective way to combat crime, we should install such lighting throughout Amburg. By reducing crime in this way, we can revitalize the declining neighborhoods in our city."

1、high intensity lighting is effective for the people who destroy the publicly property in Belleville doesn’t mean it will decline the rate in Amburg.Maybe the main reason is not the high intensity lighting but other reason like the fine or the teaching way.
2、There’s not need to use the high intensity lighting throughout Amburg, Belleville just use in its central business district.
3、the declining neighborhoods may be not only cause by this.


34  Milk and dairy products are rich in vitamin D and calcium, substances essential for building and maintaining bones. Many people therefore believe that a diet rich in dairy products can help prevent osteoporosis, a disease in which the bones weaken significantly with age and that is linked to both environmental and genetic factors. But a long-term study of a large number of people has found that those who have consistently consumed dairy products throughout the years of the study have a higher rate of bone fractures than any other participants in the study. Since bone fractures are a symptom of osteoporosis, this study result shows that a diet rich in dairy products may actually increase, rather than decrease, the risk of osteoporosis.

1、the statistic of the study doesn’t reasonable.” a long-term study”,how long?” a large number of people”how large?
2、those who have consistently consumed dairy products throughout the years of the study have a higher rate of bone fractures than any other participants in the study.What about other people.
3、The study just state statistic but not state a powerful reason about the risk things in dairy products.


25 The following appeared in a memo from the mayor of the town of Hopewell.

"Two years ago, the town of Ocean View built a new municipal golf course and resort hotel. During the past two years, tourism in Ocean View has increased, new businesses have opened there, and Ocean View's tax revenues have risen by 30 percent. The best way to improve Hopewell's economy, and generate additional tax revenues, is to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View."

1、A new municipal golf course and resort hotel is suitable for Ocean View but not also suitable for Hopewell.
2、Ocean View's tax revenues have risen by 30 percent may not only by the new municipal golf course and resort hotel.

9 The following appeared in a memorandum from a dean at Omega University.

"Fifteen years ago, Omega University implemented a new procedure that encouraged students to evaluate the teaching effectiveness of all their professors. Since that time, Omega professors have begun to assign higher grades in their classes, and overall student grade averages at Omega have risen by thirty percent. Potential employers apparently believe the grades at Omega are inflated; this would explain why Omega graduates have not been as successful at getting jobs as have graduates from nearby Alpha University. To enable its graduates to secure better jobs, Omega University should now terminate student evaluation of professors."

1、A high grade doesn’t mean a better job,whether a student can have a better job depends on its real ability.
2、Omega graduates have not been as successful at getting jobs as have graduates from nearby Alpha University may not only because the grade,maybe A university have a better teathcing resouce.
3、Whether fifteen years ago the evaluation and the increase of grade has relationship,it didn’t prove well.

高加索UID：2246937

"At present, Mason City residents seldom use the nearby Mason River for any kind of recreational activity, even though surveys of the region's residents consistently rank water sports (swimming, fishing, and boating) as a favorite form of recreation. Since there have been complaints about the quality of the water in the river, residents must be avoiding the river because they think that it is not clean enough. But that situation is about to change: the agency responsible for rivers in our region has announced plans to clean up Mason River. Therefore, recreational use of the river is likely to increase, so the Mason City council will need to increase its budget for improvements to the publicly owned lands along the Mason River."


According to the newspaper,the author suggests that the Mason City council should increase its budget for improvements to the publicly owned lands along the Mason River.Because he(小问题：谈到作者的时候是不是应该用arguer,或者he or she,只用一个he，有性别歧视之嫌哦: ) estimates recreactional use of the river is likely to increase.But i think there are some problems in this article.

First, residents in Mason City may not like entertainment in or around the river.In this passage the author shows that the residents avoid the river because of the bad smell of the river(小问题：论据中说的可是not clean enough，不知道有没有smell,呵呵),he think when the river turns clean,the residents will like the recreactional activity about the river.But in his statement he also said people seldom use(动词？) the recreactional activity.Maybe people in Mason City don’t have the costom in recreaction about water.

We also can see the proof in the statement that people there not like water sports.The first line proves that even though surveys of the region's residents consistently rank water sports,people in Mason City not often go to the nearby of the river.(这好像是个大问题，原文中给的论据不能不加证明直接拿来反驳作者的观点啊，要说两句的，而且people not like water sports在作者的观点中可是有survey论证的，要反驳一下)

Secondly, the agency responsible for rivers in our region has announced plans to clean up Mason River doesn’t mean they encourage people to take part in recreational activity about the water.Maybe they will even avoid people to do sports in the river to keep the river clean.(这个反驳点挺好，视角挺独特的)

Thirdly,even though people increase the activitis,the City council not need to invest in the improvement of the publicly owned land.In this passage the writer don’t provide enough evidence to make us think that the publicly owned land have need to be restructured.

Last ,after so many years,why there are not any recreational activity,maybe not only the reason the water is not clean enough or whether people like the river sports or not,but also because they didn't have enough money for the extra entertainment expanse.

Therefore,whether the publicly owned land should be improve depends on so many reasons,it should provide more spercific reasons to persuade all.And the convey must do again to find out more details about the realities there.


第一次给别人看作文，自己也就没写了两篇，所以点评和修改不一定对啊。要注意有的地方的代词，除了he还有几个our region 还有it用的好像有点问题。另外有些驳论点还应该阐述的清楚一些。呵呵，就这些了

linshaoUID：2338229

According to the newspaper, the author suggests that the Mason City council should increase its budget for improvements to the publicly owned lands along the Mason River. Because he estimates recreational use of the river is likely to increase. But I think there are some problems in this article.

First, residents in Mason City may not like entertainment in or around the river. In this passage the author shows that the residents avoid the river because of the bad smell of the river,(题目中没有给出啊) he think when the river turns clean, the residents will like the recreational activity about the river. But in his statement he also said people seldom use the recreational activity. Maybe people in Mason City don’t have the custom in recreation about water.
（题目中给出了surveys，表明residents 喜欢water sports，应该就该surveys的可信度表示质疑）
We also can see the proof in the statement that people there not like water sports. The first line proves that even though surveys of the region's residents consistently rank water sports, people in Mason City not often go to the nearby of the river.（题目中没有的啊，怎么能自己编呢，应该有事实根据的进行论述）

Secondly, the agency responsible for rivers in our region has announced plans to clean up Mason River doesn’t mean they encourage people to take part in recreational activity about the water. Maybe they will even avoid people to do sports in the river to keep the river clean.（政府的意愿当然是residents多在河上做recreational activity啊）

Thirdly, even though people increase the activities, the City council not need to invest in the improvement of the publicly owned land. In this passage the writer don’t provide enough evidence to make us think that the publicly owned land have need to be restructured.

Last ,after so many years, why there are not any recreational activity, maybe not only the reason the water is not clean enough or whether people like the river sports or not, but also because they didn't have enough money for the extra entertainment expense.

Therefore, whether the publicly owned land should be improved depends on so many reasons, it should provide more specific reasons to persuade them. And the convey(应该是survey吧) must do again to find out more details about the realities there.
总体感觉批驳不够有力，论述非常分散，而且一些论证偏离了题目，加了很多主观臆测的论据。

strontium023UID：2316968

谢谢组长改偶的作文,其实偶写得很烂,字数也不够,真是不好意思贴上来,55,恩,继续努力吧,会好好改掉发现的问题的.

[ 本帖最后由 strontium023 于 2007-7-22 00:30 编辑 ]

strontium023UID：2316968

谢谢linshao的改作文,我会在今后注意这些问题的.

[ 本帖最后由 strontium023 于 2007-7-22 00:30 编辑 ]