argument153 [黄金十二宫]第十六次作业

永远的圣者UID: 2182901

In this editorial, the author concludes that television viewers should demand the television programmers to reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time in order to lower the rate of teenage crime in Alta. However, this conclusion relies on a serious of groundless assumptions and therefore inconvincible as it stands.

Admittedly, too much the violence shown on television might lead to the crime to some extent. However, the arguer fails to take into account other possible reasons why the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in Alta has steadily increased. It is highly possible that because of the awful quality of education, teenagers do not acquire essential knowledge and ethic. With the low ethical and moral standards, they are inclined to commit crimes which can be actually avoidable. Or perhaps due to the poor and apathy of the society, teenagers who always suffer hunger had to steal or rub others to fill their empty stomach in order to survive. Without the considering entire possibilities, to ascribe all the blame to the television program is not appropriate.【这个想法很不错啊】

Moreover, the arguer fails to provide sufficient evidence that the children who display violent behavior within their home environment will commit a crime outside of the home. Although we cannot ignore the violent behaviors of teenagers, violent behavior is not equal to the crime as the agro is not as serious as the crime. 【这个as有点奇怪】Crime is defined as illegal by the law, while the violent behavior is only a kind of representation of lacking the sense. Teenagers with certain morality might be scared of the punishment of the law such as detention and imprisonment, therefore impede them to commit crimes. 【teenagers with certain morality应该不是怕detention and imprisonment而不去犯罪，说用morality去压制犯罪可能更好一些】

What’s more, the conclusion that in order to lower the rate of the teenager crime, television viewers should demand the programmers to reduce the amount of violence shown during the prime time is open to doubt. Perhaps the teenagers in Alta did not watch television during the prime time. Even if we accept that teenagers always watching televisions during prime time, we are not convinced the decrease of the violence will not certainly cause the decrease of rate of crimes committed by teenagers. Perhaps lacking societal care and sufficient moral instructions, teenagers will still ignorantly commit crimes. 【感觉和之前的内容有一些重复】Or perhaps teenagers watch violent programs except the prime time because the violence is still shown on that time.

Finally, the arguer fails to consider whether it is necessary to reduce the amount of violence in order to decrease the crime. Perhaps the society pay more attention to the moral instruction of teenagers will decrease the rate of crimes for some time teenagers commit crimes only because they lack relevant knowledge of law.  【想法新，但是还是和题目有点远了】

In sum, careful scrutiny of the argument reveals several unproven assumptions, which render it unconvincing. To better assess, the arguer should provide adequate evidences to support that the increase in violence shown on television is the immediate cause of the increase in teenage crime and those children display violent behaviors will crime. To strengthen it, the arguer should think about the necessary and sufficiency of reduction of violence shown during prime time.

很多Argument的元素都注意到了，文章再有条理一些，原因例子更有所服力一些就更好了

[ 本帖最后由 永远的圣者 于 2006-7-9 18:50 编辑 ]

微末三月UID: 205072

In this editorial, the author concludes that television viewers should demand the television programmers to reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time in order to lower the rate of teenage crime in Alta. However, this conclusion relies on a serious of groundless assumptions and therefore inconvincible as it stands.

Admittedly, too much the violence shown on television might lead to the crime to some extent. However, the arguer fails to take into account other possible reasons why the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in Alta has steadily increased. It is highly possible that because of the awful quality of education, teenagers do not acquire essential knowledge and ethic. With the low ethical and moral standards, they are inclined to commit crimes which can be actually avoidable. Or perhaps due to the poor and apathy of the society, teenagers who always suffer hunger had to steal or rub others to fill their empty stomach in order to survive. Without the considering entire possibilities, to ascribe all the blame to the television program is not appropriate.【这个想法很不错啊】

Moreover, the arguer fails to provide sufficient evidence that the children who display violent behavior within their home environment will commit a crime outside of the home. Although we cannot ignore the violent behaviors of teenagers, violent behavior is not equal to the crime since the agro is not as serious as the crime. 【这个as有点奇怪】我把第一个as改成since,一不小心连写3个as... Crime is defined as illegal by the law, while the violent behavior is only a kind of representation of lacking the sense. (改见下)Teenagers with certain morality might be scared of the punishment of the law such as detention and imprisonment, therefore impede them to commit crimes. 【teenagers with certain morality应该不是怕detention and imprisonment而不去犯罪，说用morality去压制犯罪可能更好一些】

是的,我改一下,改成Teenagers, with certain morality or scared of the punishment of the law such as detention and imprisonment,are not inclined to commit crimes.

What’s more, the conclusion that in order to lower the rate of the teenager crime, television viewers should demand the programmers to reduce the amount of violence shown during the prime time is open to doubt. Perhaps the teenagers in Alta did not watch television during the prime time. Even if we accept that teenagers always watching televisions during prime time, we are not convinced the decrease of the violence will not certainly cause the decrease of rate of crimes committed by teenagers. Perhaps lacking societal care and sufficient moral instructions, teenagers will still ignorantly commit crimes. 【感觉和之前的内容有一些重复】Or perhaps teenagers watch violent programs except the prime time because the violence is still shown on that time.

写的时候也觉得罗嗦了.:L

Finally, the arguer fails to consider whether it is necessary to reduce the amount of violence in order to decrease the crime. Perhaps the society pay more attention to the moral instruction of teenagers will decrease the rate of crimes for some time teenagers commit crimes only because they lack relevant knowledge of law.  【想法新，但是还是和题目有点远了】

是觉得有点扯,所以放在最后一段,小篇幅提出其他可行的解决方法

In sum, careful scrutiny of the argument reveals several unproven assumptions, which render it unconvincing. To better assess, the arguer should provide adequate evidences to support that the increase in violence shown on television is the immediate cause of the increase in teenage crime and those children display violent behaviors will crime. To strengthen it, the arguer should think about the necessary and sufficiency of reduction of violence shown during prime time.

谢谢圣者的意见.都批到点子上了啊!!~~ 我写的时候也有这些感觉的~

永远的圣者UID: 2182901

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