CRACK 9T小组第5次作业----兔子走路

冬子UID: 2290398

李宁？他也算历史人物了么 OTZ

另外……发现了albeit  ;d:

[ 本帖最后由 冬子 于 2007-7-24 18:27 编辑 ]

冬子UID: 2290398

Now, I have an opportunity to travel back in time to meet a famous person from history, which makes me so joyful that I could see my idol, Lining, the Prince of Gymnastics. I will never miss the chance to see him in the Olympic Game, win the golden medal. And in this case, I could ask him many questions about his success.
李宁能算“历史”人物么？
To begin with, we all have the idea that Lining was a remarkable gymnastic athlete. His great successful life also started in his sport career. He won lots of golden medals in the Olympic Games, which gave him and our nation great honor. He made valuable contribution to our nation, which is respectable and set an example for us to follow.
这一段你可以在最后一句前插入例子，具体写一个他获得金牌的例子。或者泛泛说一下他获得了多少多少金牌，为祖国带来怎样的荣誉。就像我们小时候都做过的扩写训练一样，把一些废话加入到主干里，就是很好的例子了。
Moreover, Lining was not only successful in the sport field, but he was also a successful businessman. 这句有点不通……那个，我的语法你也知道……你自己再斟酌一下吧The sport brand name named“Lining”, has been famous in the world for a long time. And it was just Lining who founded this world-known company named after his name. Just like Nike，Adidas, Lining, our national sport brand, has already become more and more competitive in the world, which will definitely bring our nation much revenue to ameliorate national economy.

Last but not least, aside from his successful in the sport and business, Lining also has a very happy family. There is no doubt that he is a good husband, father, friend, which makes him undoubtedly be my idol in every field. Albeit, to be successful like Lining should be absolutely difficult, he is the goal we need to pursue.
这一段也有很大的扩充余地，你完全可以写一两个小例子。既然你提到了他是个好丈夫，父亲和朋友，可以具体写一下体现他RP好的事情。
In conclusion, there are countless merits I could learn from Lining, I will be clearer about how to be successful in my lifetime after meeting him. I have strong aspiration to become a successful person like him.
结尾不错，扣题了

总的来说，文章的三个分论点不错，每个段落的结构也很清晰，在主体上唯一值得商榷的是李宁到底能不能算“历史”人物，反正我理解“历史人物”至少应该不是和我们存在于一个时空的人物。

另外，文章内容稍显空洞，例子太少。其实你的文章中可以插入例子的地方很多，有的地方甚至已经是埋好了伏笔，最明显的就是倒数第二段啦，读完第二句以后，以为后面马上要出现例子，结果一下子就跳出albeit总结了 ╮(﹀_﹀")╭

小兔子的作文大有进步呐，继续加油

奸邪笑，最后再捏捏兔子的胖脸      <( ‵□′)───C＜─___-)||






[ 本帖最后由 冬子 于 2007-7-25 07:21 编辑 ]