argument147-10G互改作文群

AlexandraUID: 185174

郁闷中。自己把自己的第一篇大改了，但是，字数，还是不到350，才329个。
怎么办？
147The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.(网络通用顺序)

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two
years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about
to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought
were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers.
Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising
campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play
video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to
increase dramatically in the next few months."

正文：
The argument above is logically unconvincing by the evidence provided. Arriving at
the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase
dramatically in the next few months is not persuasive based on the information
above.

Firstly, the number of the video-game players accepted the recent survey and how
the players were selected are not disclosed. As the author supplies no statistics to
indicate, it could be that only a fraction of players accepted the survey. If so, the
favors of the players do not stand for the direction of the market. Also it could be
that the players were not randomly selected and they were out of the age group
of 10-25 years old. Lacking effective evidence to support, it can hardly indicate that the sales trend of Whirlwind is about to be reversed, let alone in the next few
months.

Even if one accepts the survey results, the argument remains questionable.
Directing at the age group of 10-25 years old, Whirlwind adopt an extensive
advertising campaign. One must also consider the differences between the current
and the former of the Whirlwind market-stratagem. Did Whirlwind not introduce
games with extensive advertisement? Nothing is mentioned about why the
advertising campaign can reversed the Whirlwind sales trend.

In addition, one may wonder the advantage of such videogame than former
products. Did   former products of Whirlwind not catch up with the market stream
and cause the sales declined over the past two years? Moreover, it also fails to
correlate the Whirlwind's competitors and itself. Perhaps the competitors are now
introducing preferable products or similar video-game products with more features
and lower price attracting the players. Without more convincing evidence the
author cannot convince me that the sales are likely to increase.

In conclusion, based on the lack of more effective information, I would not accept
the above argument that the sales of Whirlwind are likely to increase dramatically,
and that in the next few months.

[ Last edited by Alexandra on 2005-7-11 at 20:43 ]

qwerty_123UID: 201741

147The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.(网络通用顺序)

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two
years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about
to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought
were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers.
Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising
campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play
video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to
increase dramatically in the next few months."

正文：
The argument above is logically unconvincing by the evidence provided. Arriving at
the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase
dramatically in the next few months is not persuasive based on the information
above.
其实你先可以简单写一下原因在第一段，可能会好点
Firstly, the number of the video-game players accepted the recent survey and how
the players were selected are not disclosed. As the author supplies no statistics to
indicate, it could be that only a fraction of players accepted the survey. If so, the
favors of the players do not stand for the direction of the market. Also it could be
that the players were not randomly selected and they were out of the age group
of 10-25 years old. Lacking effective evidence to support, it can hardly indicate that the sales trend of Whirlwind is about to be reversed, let alone in the next few
months.

Even if one accepts the survey results, the argument remains questionable.
Directing at the age group of 10-25 years old, Whirlwind adopt an extensive
advertising campaign. One must also consider the differences between the current
and the former of the Whirlwind market-stratagem. Did Whirlwind not introduce
games with extensive advertisement? Nothing is mentioned about why the
advertising campaign can reversed the Whirlwind sales trend.
还有一点10-25岁的人，大多数都没有经济独立，需要他们的父母给钱，即使他们想买，他们父母可能不愿意给他们买，即使买也不一定买他们的，可以买其它厂家的
In addition, one may wonder the advantage of such videogame than former
products. Did   former products of Whirlwind not catch up with the market stream
and cause the sales declined over the past two years? Moreover, it also fails to
correlate the Whirlwind's competitors and itself. Perhaps the competitors are now
introducing preferable products or similar video-game products with more features
and lower price attracting the players. Without more convincing evidence the
author cannot convince me that the sales are likely to increase.

In conclusion, based on the lack of more effective information, I would not accept
the above argument that the sales of Whirlwind are likely to increase dramatically,
and that in the next few months.

还可以再解释一下原因，最后一段。
这一篇是我写过的唯一一篇A，我当时就一个攻击点与你相同，观点现在忘差不多了。
你可以看一下范文，和其他人写的，就会有思路了。
不过也不错了，比我好，加油！！！

abigredUID: 154473

The argument above is logically unconvincing by the evidence provided. Arriving at
the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase
dramatically in the next few months is not persuasive based on the information
above. （可以写一下arguer的论据，增加点字数）

Firstly, the number of the video-game players accepted the recent survey and how
the players were selected are not disclosed. As the author supplies no statistics to
indicate, it could be（is possible that可能更专业） that only a fraction of players accepted the survey. If so, the
favors of the players do not stand for the direction of the market. Also it could be
that the players were not randomly selected and they were out of the age group
of 10-25 years old. Lacking effective evidence to support, it can hardly indicate that the sales trend of Whirlwind is about to be reversed, let alone in the next few
months.

Even if one accepts the survey results, the argument remains questionable.
Directing at the age group of 10-25 years old, Whirlwind adopt an extensive
advertising campaign. One must also consider the differences between the current
and the former of the Whirlwind market-stratagem. Did Whirlwind not introduce
games with extensive advertisement? Nothing is mentioned about why the
advertising campaign can reversed the Whirlwind sales trend.

In addition, one may wonder the advantage of such videogame than former
products. Did   former products of Whirlwind not catch up with the market stream
and cause the sales declined（decline） over the past two years? Moreover, it also fails to
correlate the Whirlwind's competitors and itself. Perhaps the competitors are now
introducing preferable products or similar video-game products with more features
and lower price attracting the players. Without more convincing evidence the
author cannot convince me that the sales are likely to increase.

In conclusion, based on the lack of more effective information, I would not accept
the above argument that the sales of Whirlwind are likely to increase dramatically,
and that in the next few months.(应该如何改进？写一下)

字数有点少，可以在开头和结尾多补充点内容。
例外，语言方面多看北美的范文，可以使得语言更加professional 更有力
在分析原因的时候，把相关的原因写成一段，最好是一段一个主要原因

mmyppUID: 187645

Argument147  第11篇

作者：     共用时间：40分30秒     415 words
从2005年6月10日23时42分到2005年6月11日0时40分

The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
'Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.'


-----正文－－－
In this editorial, the author makes a conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind will be reversed which based on a survey of video-game players and an assumption that the 10-25 years youth who are the main potential customers would welcome the company's new game. Unfortunately, either the survey or the assumption is unwarranted.

First of all, the author provides no evidence to validate that the survey is a persuasive one. Whether the number of the people involved in the survey is large enough, or the people are chosen randomly is not classified. Perhaps the survey was conducted just in one web-bar with a group of players, or perhaps, on the street with some passengers. Without any concrete and statistical data to guarantee the rationality for this survey, we could hardly accept that these respondents could represent the conception of total or even most video-game players.

Moreover, though the players render that the lifelike graphics and up-to-date computers are the fundamental elements to attract video-players, it is hasty to make the conclusion that the decrease of sales of Whirlwind company results from this reason. A favorable video-game includes several factors to guarantee its sales, such as the content, difficult, demanding for skill, and price of the game. Without taking into account and ruling out these possible defects, it is insufficient to recommend that with improving the graph could the company gain profit in future.

Finally, the people rank from 10 to 25 years old who are the most intersted in video-game might not accept this kind of game which would be designed by Whirlwind. It is entirely possible that these youth are mostly indulged in the games which are full of fight and fierce sound. Even if this group of players like the game produced by the company, could these young people be able to represent all players out of this age scope? It is also entirely possible that the amount of this young group is pretty small than that of 30s or 40s and the later group are the main customers.

In the final analysis, in this argument, the author does not provide any persuasive evidence to convince us. To support his or her recommendation for reversing plan, the author should testify the representative of the survey, the true reason for Whirlwind's game to attract players, and the successful possibility of their advertising campaign. Before I accept the conclusion, I also need to know that whether the players have had the same kind game as the planning one of Whirlwind and could like to buy another more one which might be similar with their owning.

AlexandraUID: 185174

啊 对不起啊 4楼的，我看不到你的正文啊
复制也弄不出来你排版所看不到的耶， 呵呵麻烦你再发发。。。。。

看到大家这么认真的看我的帖子，心里好开心啊。。。。。。

谢谢哦！！！！

恩，我会好好写的。

mmyppUID: 187645

In this editorial, the author makes a conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind will be reversed which based on a survey of video-game players and an assumption that the 10-25 years youth who are the main potential customers would welcome the company's new game. Unfortunately, either the survey or the assumption is unwarranted.

First of all, the author provides no evidence to validate that the survey is a persuasive one. Whether the number of the people involved in the survey is large enough, or the people are chosen randomly is not classified. Perhaps the survey was conducted just in one web-bar with a group of players, or perhaps, on the street with some passengers. Without any concrete and statistical data to guarantee the rationality for this survey, we could hardly accept that these respondents could represent the conception of total or even most video-game players.

Moreover, though the players render that the lifelike graphics and up-to-date computers are the fundamental elements to attract video-players, it is hasty to make the conclusion that the decrease of sales of Whirlwind company results from this reason. A favorable video-game includes several factors to guarantee its sales, such as the content, difficult, demanding for skill, and price of the game. Without taking into account and ruling out these possible defects, it is insufficient to recommend that with improving the graph could the company gain profit in future.

Finally, the people rank from 10 to 25 years old who are the most intersted in video-game might not accept this kind of game which would be designed by Whirlwind. It is entirely possible that these youth are mostly indulged in the games which are full of fight and fierce sound. Even if this group of players like the game produced by the company, could these young people be able to represent all players out of this age scope? It is also entirely possible that the amount of this young group is pretty small than that of 30s or 40s and the later group are the main customers.

In the final analysis, in this argument, the author does not provide any persuasive evidence to convince us. To support his or her recommendation for reversing plan, the author should testify the representative of the survey, the true reason for Whirlwind's game to attract players, and the successful possibility of their advertising campaign. Before I accept the conclusion, I also need to know that whether the players have had the same kind game as the planning one of Whirlwind and could like to buy another more one which might be similar with their owning.

htpengUID: 2115584

The argument above is logically unconvincing by the evidence provided. Arriving at
the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase
dramatically in the next few months is not persuasive based on the information
above.
看到很多范文都会把原文论点论据总结一下,这样对字数应该有好处
Firstly, the number of the video-game players accepted the recent survey and how the players were selected are not disclosed. As the author supplies no statistics to indicate, it could be that only a fraction of players accepted the survey. If so, the favors of the players do not stand for the direction of the market. Also it could be that the players were not randomly selected and they were out of the age group
of 10-25 years old. Lacking effective evidence to support, it can hardly indicate that the sales trend of Whirlwind is about to be reversed, let alone in the next few
months.

Even if one accepts the survey results, the argument remains questionable.
Directing at the age group of 10-25 years old, Whirlwind adopt an extensive
advertising campaign. One must also consider the differences between the current
and the former of the Whirlwind market-stratagem. Did Whirlwind not introduce
games with extensive advertisement? Nothing is mentioned about why the
advertising campaign can reversed the Whirlwind sales trend.

In addition, one may wonder the advantage of such videogame than former
products. Did   former products of Whirlwind not catch up with the market stream
and cause the sales declined over the past two years? Moreover, it also fails to
correlate the Whirlwind's competitors and itself.把whirlwind 和他的compititors联系在一起?看不出有什么逻辑关系 Perhaps the competitors are now
introducing preferable products or similar video-game products with more features
and lower price attracting the players. Without more convincing evidence the
author cannot convince me that the sales are likely to increase.

In conclusion, based on the lack of more effective information, I would not accept
the above argument that the sales of Whirlwind are likely to increase dramatically,
and that in the next few months.最后一句听着有点别扭,后半段是不是不同意the sales of Whirlwind are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months的意思?如果是的话,没必要再加个and that吧

AlexandraUID: 185174

and that ,有而且的意思啊

AlexandraUID: 185174

我本来就是不同意啊，我加and that ，是想说，它不可能increase dramatically，而且还是
in the next few months，不对吗？市场不是一个人的啊，怎能不考虑compititors？？

AlexandraUID: 185174

大家提出不同的意见，我很开心耶！

AlexandraUID: 185174

mmypp ,
开头中,Unfortunately, either the survey or the assumption is unwarranted.我喜欢你这句话.
我感觉 你写的 比我好多了.句子与句子之间的连接,有逻辑性.
而且思维,比我严谨.