Issue130★无敌拍场★第一小分队第三篇,欢迎来拍

renruisiUID: 208527

Issue130
"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

words:603

提纲:
1.很大程度上孩子的社会化决定了社会的命运
2.但是还有很多其他原因决定社会的命运
3.现在的教育中的确存在一些问题
4.但是我们已经知道如何教育孩子并且正在努力,以让他们创造一个更好的社会.

The speaker asserts that the destiny of society is determined by how children are socialized. As far as I am concerned, I cannot fully agree with this allegation because it unfairly ignores other reasons that are of no less significance. The speaker also claims that we have not found a good way to raise children who can better society. As for me, the claim is also worth a serious consideration.

Admittedly, children's socialization determines the destiny of society to a great extent. Consider a society, where children all know how to cooperate with others and how to respect others, and when some conflicts happen, all children can negotiate, compromise, and even eliminate the conflicts through humor--a sign of social maturity. As all children know the rule of society and manage themselves to accord to it, the society will definitely be harmonious and healthy.

However, except for the socialization, many other elements also contribute to the determination of the destiny of society, especially at some special time, such as during the war, when it is hard for people, even those who have been socialized, to determine the society's future. To illustrate, here are some strong examples from Roosevelt. As we know, Roosevelt was handicapped because of some physical illness but he was never discouraged by the difficulty and became one of the most prominent presents in American history. At the depth of the Great Depression, Roosevelt, with his sagacity and optimistic attitude, helped American people regain faith. After the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, it is also Roosevelt who declared that American people would absolutely win and then directed the nation for global war. Owing to   his strong will, the nation's fate altered. So, besides the socialization, the wisdom, the optimism, and the strong will are also important factors that can determine the destiny of society.

On concerning another viewpoint of the speaker that we have not learned how to raise children, I also have some different opinions. Undoubtedly, some education problems do exist in our society. For example, schools still pay much attention to impart knowledge to children while ignore their feelings at times. And, parents sometimes care more about children's grade rather than the ability of solving problems in their lives. Nevertheless, we have gradually learned how to raise children to create a better society.

To define a better society, three aspects must be taken into account: the science, the individuality and the humanity. The society with the advanced technology, the various ideas and the fullness of love is definitely an ideal one which we are now trying our best to help children to built. First, the scientific education is now combined the traditional systematic methods with the more advanced technique such as the computers with net-connection in order to help students keep pace with the whole world. Secondly, various activities after class are available to encourage the individuality of children so that they can develop their own interests rather than pattern them to be of the same model. Last but not the least, children are paid more attention about the formation of good characters, such as honesty, fairness, confidence, fidelity to friends and family, love of country and so on. With all the aspects mentioned above, the society will surely become better and healthier.

In conclusion, that how children are socialized today doesn’t completely determine the orientation of the society. Other elements, such as the sagacity, the optimism and the strong will also play important parts. And now, we have already learned how to raise our children and are making great efforts to help them to bring about a better society.

dzhb644UID: 2127664

Issue130
"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

words:603

提纲:
1.很大程度上孩子的社会化决定了社会的命运
2.但是还有很多其他原因决定社会的命运
3.现在的教育中的确存在一些问题
4.但是我们已经知道如何教育孩子并且正在努力,以让他们创造一个更好的社会.
[正反正反，很清楚的思路]

The speaker asserts that the destiny of society is determined by how children are socialized. As far as I am concerned, I cannot fully agree with this allegation because it unfairly ignores other reasons that are of no less significance. The speaker also claims that we have not found a good way to raise children who can better society. As for me, the claim is also [worth a serious consideration.？？][rr的开头还是一贯的明确，提个建议，这个开头有点像argument，驳论居多]

Admittedly, children's socialization determines the destiny of society to a great extent. [Consider] a society, where children all know how to cooperate with others and how to respect others, and when some conflicts happen, all children can negotiate, compromise, and even eliminate the conflicts through humor--a sign of social maturity. As all children know the rule of society and manage themselves to accord to it, the society will definitely be harmonious and healthy.[这段中出现了很多all children，一是感觉主语重复，二是这种说法多少有些绝对，或是理想化，很难说明问题，也许现实的例子或说法更能支持你这段的论点：孩子的社会化在很大程度上对社会命运产生影响]

However, except for the socialization, many other [elements个人觉得这个词意思不对，factors就可以了] also contribute to the determination of the destiny of society, especially at some special time, such as during the war, when it is hard for people, even those who have been socialized, to determine the society's future. [这段断句好多，不是很连贯]To illustrate, here are some [strong examples感觉不太好convincing之类的] from Roosevelt. As we know, Roosevelt was handicapped because of some physical illness but he was never discouraged by the difficulty and became one of the most prominent presents in American history. At the depth of the Great Depression, Roosevelt, with his sagacity and optimistic attitude, helped American people regain [faith这个词你再查一下把，好像be faith in sb.时才表示信心,如果改错了告诉我啊]. After the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, it is also Roosevelt who declared that American people would absolutely win and then directed the nation for global war. Owing to   his strong will, the nation's fate altered. So, besides the socialization, the wisdom, the optimism, and the strong will are also important factors that can determine the destiny of society. [Roosevelt的例子举的很有力，说明人的内在因素也会很大程度上影响到社会的命运。]

On concerning another viewpoint of the speaker that we have not learned how to raise children, I also have some different opinions.[你的观点是什么？在这里提出来] Undoubtedly, some education problems do exist in our society. For example, schools still pay much attention to impart knowledge to children while ignore their feelings at times. And, parents sometimes care more about children's grade rather than the ability of solving problems in their lives. Nevertheless, we have gradually learned how to raise children to create a better society.[这段是说我们的教育存在缺陷，但第一句和最后一句的意思与其相反，要么就让步，要么就支持，不要穿插。而且这段感觉是下段的一部分，没有说出独立的论点。建议将这一段放在下一段的后面，肯定后让步。]

To define a better society, three aspects must be taken into account: the science, the individuality and the humanity. The society with the advanced technology, the various ideas and the fullness of love is definitely an ideal one which we are now trying our best to [help这个词用得不好] children to built. [在此之前，文章提到对better society 的定义以及我们的目标，但在此之后是指我们在教育中已做出的努力，缺乏衔接和有效的说明，根据你的提纲这段的目的是说我们并非不知如何教育孩子。]First, the scientific education is now combined the traditional systematic methods with [the删去] more advanced technique such as the computers with net-connection in order to help students keep pace with the whole world. Secondly, various activities after class are available to encourage the individuality of children so that they can develop their own interests rather than pattern them to be of the same model[same models]. Last but not the least, children are paid more attention about the formation of good characters, such as honesty, fairness, confidence, fidelity to friends and family, love of country and so on. With all the aspects mentioned above, the society will surely become better and healthier.[提个小小的建议，老美比较喜欢细节，所以我个人倾向于写出具体一点我们是怎么做的]

In conclusion, that how children are socialized today doesn’t completely determine the orientation of the society. Other elements, such as the sagacity, the optimism and the strong will also play important parts. And now, we have already learned how to raise our children and are making great efforts to help them to bring about a better society.

依然很佩服rr连贯的行文，意思表达清晰连贯。
我个人认为小词的使用容易使文章更为流畅，但同时小词的意思不好把握，容易产生歧义，如果能合理的运用多音节词就更好了。
文章的说理有待加强。
改的不对的请指正，为了共同的进步！
dzhb644

有时间帮我拍拍https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

oraclerUID: 2178645

The speaker asserts that the destiny of society is determined by how children are socialized. As far as I am concerned, I cannot fully agree with this allegation because it unfairly ignores other reasons that are of no less significance. The speaker also claims that we have not found a good way to raise children who can better society. As for me, the claim is(删) also worth a serious consideration.（简洁的开头）

Admittedly, children's socialization determines the destiny of society to a great extent. Consider a society, where children all know how to cooperate with others and how to respect others, and when some conflicts happen, all children can negotiate, compromise,（这个词似乎不大合适） and even eliminate the conflicts through humor--a sign of social maturity. As all children know the rule of society and manage themselves to accord to it, the society will definitely be harmonious and healthy.

However, except for（besides）the socialization, many other elements also contribute to the determination of the destiny of society, especially at some special time, such as during the war, when it (感觉改为life 更好些) illustrate, here are some strong examples from Roosevelt. As we know, Roosevelt was handicapped because of some physical illness but he was never discouraged by the difficulty and became one of the most prominent presents in American history. At the depth（period?） of the Great Depression, Roosevelt, with his sagacity and optimistic attitude, helped American people regain faith. After the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, it is(was)also Roosevelt who declared that American people would absolutely win and then directed (led更好点?) the nation for global war. Owing to   his strong will, the nation's fate altered. So, besides the socialization, the wisdom, the optimism, and the strong (感觉这几个词不用the 更好些)will are also important factors that can determine the destiny of society.

On(删) concerning another viewpoint of the speaker that (that应该接在viewpoint后面) we have not learned how to raise children, I also have some different opinions. Undoubtedly, some education problems do exist in our society. For example, schools still pay much attention to impart knowledge to children while ignore their feelings at times. And, parents sometimes care more about children's grade rather than the ability of solving problems in their lives. Nevertheless, we have gradually learned how to raise children to create a better society.(和下面合成一段似乎更好)

To define a better society, three aspects must be taken into account: the science, the individuality and the humanity. The society with the advanced technology, the various ideas and the fullness of love is definitely an ideal one which we are now trying our best to help children to built.（build）First, the scientific education is now combined the traditional systematic methods with the more advanced technique such as the computers (computers) with net-connection in order to help students keep pace with the whole world. Secondly, various activities after class are available to encourage the individuality of children so that they can develop their own interests rather than pattern them to be of the same model（models）. Last but not the least, children are paid (paying) more attention about the formation of good characters, such as honesty, fairness, confidence, fidelity to friends and family, love of country and so on. With all the aspects mentioned above, the society will surely become better and healthier.

In conclusion, that(删) how children are socialized today doesn’t completely determine the orientation of the society. Other elements, such as the sagacity, the optimism and the strong will also play important parts（roles）. And now, we have already learned how to raise our children and are making great efforts to help them to bring about a better society.

感觉我们俩文章的思路非常的类似，但是觉得你写的要比我连贯多了，呵呵。不过一些小毛病：语法和搭配似乎还得加油哦，（其实我在这两方面更白拉）。不是很会改，为攒人品，草草的帮你改了下，改错了相信你能发现。

ceanUID: 187533

Issue130
"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

words:603

提纲:
1.很大程度上孩子的社会化决定了社会的命运
2.但是还有很多其他原因决定社会的命运
3.现在的教育中的确存在一些问题
4.但是我们已经知道如何教育孩子并且正在努力,以让他们创造一个更好的社会.4个部分,比一般的多

The speaker asserts that the destiny of society is determined by how children are socialized. As far as I am concerned, I cannot fully agree with this allegation because it unfairly ignores other reasons that are of no less significance. The speaker also claims that we have not found a good way to raise children who can better society. As for me, the claim is also worth a serious consideration.开头很象A啊~我觉得这样不好,

Admittedly, children's socialization determines the destiny of society to a great extent. Consider a society, where children all know how to cooperate with others and how to respect others, and when some conflicts happen, all children can negotiate, compromise, and even eliminate the conflicts through humor--a sign of social maturity. As all children know the rule of society and manage themselves to accord to it, the society will definitely be harmonious and healthy.一开始就让步.可是没有提到socialized过程,只有结果

However, except for the socialization, many other elements also contribute to the determination of the destiny of society, especially at some special time, such as during the war, when it is hard for people, even those who have been socialized, to determine the society's future. To illustrate, here are some strong examples from Roosevelt. As we know, Roosevelt was handicapped because of some physical illness but he was never discouraged by the difficulty and became one of the most prominent presents in American history. At the depth of the Great Depression, Roosevelt, with his sagacity and optimistic attitude, helped American people regain faith. After the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, it is also Roosevelt who declared that American people would absolutely win and then directed the nation for global war. Owing to   his strong will, the nation's fate altered. So, besides the socialization, the wisdom, the optimism, and the strong will are also important factors that can determine the destiny of society. 例子很好~~~这段写的很有感觉~

On concerning another viewpoint of the speaker that we have not learned how to raise children, I also have some different opinions. Undoubtedly, some education problems do exist in our society. For example, schools still pay much attention to impart knowledge to children while ignore their feelings at times. And, parents sometimes care more about children's grade rather than the ability of solving problems in their lives. Nevertheless, we have gradually learned how to raise children to create a better society.和上文好像联系不够~文章有点散,但是写的很好

To define a better society, three aspects must be taken into account: the science, the individuality and the humanity. The society with the advanced technology, the various ideas and the fullness of love is definitely an ideal one which we are now trying our best to help children to built. First, the scientific education is now combined the traditional systematic methods with the more advanced technique such as the computers with net-connection in order to help students keep pace with the whole world. Secondly, various activities after class are available to encourage the individuality of children so that they can develop their own interests rather than pattern them to be of the same model. Last but not the least, children are paid more attention about the formation of good characters, such as honesty, fairness, confidence, fidelity to friends and family, love of country and so on. With all the aspects mentioned above, the society will surely become better and healthier.观点不明确,TS?

In conclusion, that how children are socialized today doesn’t completely determine the orientation of the society. Other elements, such as the sagacity, the optimism and the strong will also play important parts. And now, we have already learned how to raise our children and are making great efforts to help them to bring about a better society.一边倒..很有挑战性,我是不会这么写的,因为据说容易得低分.
anyway,写的还是很好的哈,限时没??