issue130 ★无敌拍场★第四组，第三篇，欢迎猛拍

dzhb644UID: 2127664

Issue130 "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

Word:648

Outline:
[1] The assertion that the destiny is totally determined by the society is over statement to some extent
[2] We should never ignore the cultivation of social skills which are very necessary.
[3] We needlessly doubt our education ability especially in the virtue of human being, which will also contribute to a better society.
[4] To some one, socialization is not the best way to bring their intelligence into play.
[5] Summarization

As tomorrow generations, children, whose qualities obviously influence the development of our society, should be rationally cultivated. Yet the assertion that the destiny of society will be hinge on how children are socialized is to some extent an overstatement, not only children’s socialization but also some other qualities like traditional virtue of human being impact a society’s future. While the assertion that the socialization of children is one of significant factors affecting the destiny of the society is acceptable.

To begin with, every society is constituted of individuals; as a result, the capability to communicate with others is an essential ability to everyone, especially in a world most tasks have to be accomplished on the base of the cooperation with colleagues. It is hard to imagine that some one who can not communicate with others efficiently and definitely can survive in a company affronted with tens of dealings a day. On the contrary, the person who possesses sophisticated social skills and make well use of them will contribute more to the development of our society. Unfortunately the rigid school education existing in some areas properly reduce the opportunities for children to practise their communication skills. Some teachers over-cultivate the ability of their students to deal with problems alone, which result in that students are accustomed to figuring out the difficulties all by their own and seldom incline to discuss with their classmates. The lack of discussion will directly diminish the ability of communicating and cooperating skills which are quite required by our society. For a better future of our society and children themselves, the socialization education of children which aims at escalating social skills is necessary. The activities, organized by the experienced educators, which include some subjects having to be achieved by groups and emphasize on the intercourse among members of them, will be very helpful.

Although some disadvantages exist in our education to be ameliorated, it dose not mean we are innocent of how to raise our children for a better society. Some customs and spirits are constant and never change in the history such as friendship, courtesy and so on. Take friendship for example, it connects singles together and could not only enhance the protection from outside but also give you euphoria feelings. It is indispensable for every social individual, and having some friends is possibly the first step entering into a society. And thanks to our traditional education, we are constantly influenced by our teachers and parents that having some friends is required for every child. I could never forget that under the supports form parents and teachers, my junior high school football team constituted, which shorten the distance between my classmates and me. As a result, a permanent friendship formed. Therefore, the skeptical attitude of our educating ability to cultivate our students to form good characters and contribute to the development of our society is poorly supported.

Every child grows up in different environments and forms their own qualities naturally. If we focus on exploiting their potential and supply them with sufficient education resources according to their different features, the students will get better growing-up and may change the destiny of the world, not because of the socialization, but due to their personalities of themselves. Mahatma Gandhi's contribution is primarily from the courage of his inner conviction, in spite of his proper socialization among genteel Indian society, as a law student, among British society. Respecting the intelligence and natural quality of the children themselves is much more important than considering what method being taken will benefit our society more.

In sum, socialization is much more important today than ever before, to cultivate students of some essential social skills is quite necessary and will properly influence the future of our society and themselves. However, some virtues of human being should be well inherited and continued, and our conventional education is proved right by the reality.

[ 本帖最后由 dzhb644 于 2006-2-5 01:51 编辑 ]

furongge709UID: 2180517

Issue130 "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

Word:648

Outline:
[1] The assertion that the destiny is totally determined by the society is over statement to some extent
[2] We should never ignore the cultivation of social skills which are very necessary.
[3] We needlessly doubt our education ability especially in the virtue of human being, which will also contribute to a better society.
[4] To some one, socialization is not the best way to bring their intelligence into play.
[5] Summarization

As tomorrow generations, children, whose qualities obviously influence the development of our society, should be rationally cultivated. Yet the assertion that the destiny of society will be hinge on how children are socialized is to some extent an overstatement, not only children’s socialization but also some other qualities like traditional virtue of human being impact a society’s future. While the assertion that the socialization of children is one of significant factors affecting（that have effect on,不是所有动词都能用ing形式作后置定语，例如affect,很怪，这是语感问题，我也说不清，但两个定语从句的叠用是可以的，不要为了避免双重定语从句而用这种不伦不类的句子） the destiny of the society is acceptable.

To begin with, every society is constituted of individuals; as a result, the capability to communicate with others is an essential ability to everyone, especially in a world most tasks have to be accomplished on the base of the cooperation with colleagues. It is hard to imagine that some one who can not communicate with others efficiently and definitely can survive in a company affronted with tens of dealings a day. On the contrary, the person who possesses sophisticated social skills and make well（good） use of them will contribute more to the development of our society. Unfortunately the rigid school education existing in some areas properly reduce the opportunities for children to practise their communication skills. Some teachers over-cultivate the ability of their students to deal with problems alone, which result in that students are accustomed to figuring out the difficulties all by their own and seldom incline to discuss with their classmates. The lack of discussion will directly diminish the ability of communicating and cooperating skills which are quite required by our society. For a better future of our society and children themselves, the socialization education of children which aims at escalating social skills is necessary. The activities, organized by the experienced educators, which include some subjects having(这里也是一样，从没见过have to 还有ing形式，用that have to 好了) to be achieved by groups and emphasize on the intercourse among members of them will be very helpful.

Although some disadvantage（这里应用复数，虽然disadvantage 既是可数又是不可数，何况后面的exist还没用第三人称单数呢）exist in our education to be ameliorated, it dose not mean we are innocent of how to raise our children for a better society. Some customs and spirits are constant and never change in the history such as friendship, courtesy and so on. Take friendship for example, it connects singles together and could not only enhance the protection from outside but also give you euphoria feelings. It is indispensable for every social individual, and having some friends is possibly the first step entering into a society. And thanks to our traditional education, we are constantly influenced by our teachers and parents that having some friends is required for every child. I could never forget that under the supports form parents and teachers, my junior high school football team constituted（用was set up吧，要不然constitute出现得太多了）, which shorten the distance between my classmates and me. As a result, a permanent friendship formed. Therefore, the skeptical attitude of our educating ability to cultivate our students to form good characters and contribute to the development of our society is poorly supported.

Every child grows up in different environments and forms their own qualities naturally. If we focus on exploiting their potential and supply them with sufficient education resources according to their different features, the students will get better growing-up and may change the destiny of the world, not because of the socialization, but due to their personalities of themselves. Mahatma Gandhi's contribution is primarily from the courage of his inner conviction, in spite of his proper socialization among genteel Indian society, as a law student, among British society. Respecting the intelligence and natural quality of the children themselves is much more important than considering what(用which,虽然表示的是什么方法的意思，但英语中名词前面只能用which,what是直接指代名词的，不能用what修饰名词) method being taken will benefit our society more.

In sum, socialization is much more important today than ever before, to cultivate students of some essential social skills is quite necessary and will properly influence the future of our society and themselves. However, some virtues of human being should be well inherited and continued, and our conventional education is proved right by the reality.
我觉得倒数第二段和倒数第三段之间没什么衔接，其它的我也不知道，只是感觉说得太多了，就像我以前写高考议论文那样，有时会感觉越想说清楚就越说不清那种，我喜欢用最简洁的句子表达最深刻的道理，所以说如果我写肯定不会这么长篇大伦的堆，但是你又会说那是中国人跳跃性的思维，不适合gre作文。所以拉，我是个外行，只能改改语法，至于结构，真的无能为力，也许多帮你改几篇作文，才能训练出外国人的思维哦。

dzhb644UID: 2127664

谢谢你的修改！！

oraclerUID: 2178645

As tomorrow (tomorrow’s) generations, children, whose qualities obviously influence the development of our society, should be rationally cultivated. Yet the assertion that the destiny of society will be hinge on how children are socialized is to some extent an overstatement, not only children’s socialization but also some other qualities like traditional virtue of human being(删) impact a society’s future. While the assertion that the socialization of children is one of (少the)significant factors affecting the destiny of the society is acceptable. (感觉开头写得不错)

To begin with, every society is constituted of (加个形容词似乎更好些)individuals; as a result, the capability to communicate with others is an essential ability to everyone, especially in a world most tasks have to be accomplished on the base of the cooperation with colleagues. It is hard to imagine that some one who can not communicate with others efficiently and definitely can survive in a company affronted with tens of dealings a day. On the contrary, the person who possesses sophisticated social skills and make well（good） use of them will contribute more to the development of our society. Unfortunately the rigid school education existing in some areas properly reduce the opportunities for children to practise their communication skills. Some teachers over-cultivate the ability of their students to deal with problems alone, which result in that students are accustomed to figuring out the difficulties all by their own and seldom incline to discuss with their classmates. The lack of discussion will directly diminish the ability of communicating and cooperating skills which are quite required by our society. For a better future of our society and children themselves, the socialization education of children which aims at escalating social skills is necessary. The activities, organized by the experienced educators, which include some subjects having to be achieved by groups and emphasize on the intercourse among members of them will be very helpful. (这句感觉结构上有点问题)(佩服你能一下子深入的对某一个例子展得这么开，但个人感觉这段稍有冗余之嫌)

Although some disadvantage（disadvantages）exist in our education (添needing)to be ameliorated, it dose not mean we are innocent of how to raise our children for a better society. Some customs and spirits are constant and never change in the history such as friendship, courtesy and so on. Take friendship for example, it connects singles together and could not only enhance the protection from outside but also give you euphoria feelings. It is indispensable for every social individual, and having some friends is possibly the first step entering into a society. And thanks to our traditional education, we are constantly influenced by our teachers and parents that having some friends is required for every child. I could never forget that under(with) the supports form （from）parents and teachers, my junior high school football team constituted(删), which(删) shorten the distance between my classmates and me. As a result(感觉此处用consequently更好些), a permanent friendship formed. Therefore, the skeptical attitude of our educating ability to cultivate our students to form good characters and contribute to the development of our society is poorly supported.

Every child grows up in different environments and forms their own qualities naturally. If we focus on exploiting their potential and supply them with sufficient education resources according to their different features, the students will get better growing-up and may change the destiny of the world, not because of the socialization, but due to their personalities of themselves. Mahatma Gandhi's contribution is primarily from the courage of his inner conviction, in spite of his proper socialization among genteel Indian society, as a law student, among British society. Respecting the intelligence and natural quality of the children themselves is much more important than considering what method being taken will benefit our society more.

In sum, socialization is much more important today than ever before, to cultivate students of some essential social skills is quite necessary and will properly influence the future of our society and themselves. However, some virtues of human being should be well inherited and continued, and our conventional education is proved right by the reality.

我觉得在破题方面，这是一篇1+1的，题目由两部分组成，在谈完socialization后，是否应该兼顾到后面的how to raise呢？整体看来，文章写得比较流畅了，句式也有诸多变化。我不是很会改，改错了请你见谅。
有时间改改我得吧：
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D2

dzhb644UID: 2127664

谢谢oracler 的修改，我也觉得自己这篇文章破题后半部分说的不清楚.

dudujasperUID: 2180289

太谢谢dzhb644帮我改文章了，其实一直都在看你写的文章了但一直都没敢给你改（好象满过分555）
因为我还是新手，怕给你越改越不是那么回事儿,改的不好不要介意哦
再次感谢~

[ 本帖最后由 dudujasper 于 2006-2-5 17:48 编辑 ]

dudujasperUID: 2180289

Issue130 "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

Word:648

Outline:
[1] The assertion that the destiny is totally determined by the society is over statement to some extent
[2] We should never ignore the cultivation of social skills which are very necessary.
[3] We needlessly doubt our education ability especially in the virtue of human being, which will also contribute to a better society.
[4] To some one, socialization is not the best way to bring their intelligence into play.
[5] Summarization

As tomorrow（tomorrow's?或者用intending)generations, children, whose qualities obviously influence the development of our society, should be rationally cultivated. Yet the assertion that the destiny of society will be hinge on how children are socialized is to some extent an overstatement, not only children’s socialization but also some other qualities like traditional virtue of human being impact a society’s future. While the assertion that the socialization of children is one of significant factors affecting the destiny of the society is acceptable.
（先指出了题目第一句的逻辑缺陷，持反驳的态度，但是我还是觉得第一段的论述中要有引领后面论述的作用，提级一下后面重点的论述方面，比如第二段的提出给人的感觉就有点突兀）
To begin with, every society is constituted of individuals; as a result, the capability to communicate with others is an essential ability to everyone, especially in a world most tasks have to be accomplished on the base of the cooperation with colleagues. It is hard to imagine that some one who can not communicate with others efficiently and definitely can survive in a company affronted with tens of dealings a day. On the contrary, the person who possesses sophisticated social skills and make well use of them will contribute more to the development of our society. Unfortunately the rigid school education existing in some areas properly reduce the opportunities for children to practise their communication skills. Some teachers over-cultivate the ability of their students to deal with problems alone, which result in that students are accustomed to figuring out the difficulties all by their own and seldom incline to discuss with their classmates. The lack of discussion will directly diminish the ability of communicating and cooperating skills which are quite required by our society. For a better future of our society and children themselves, the socialization education（这个地方我是不大知道，2个名词能在一起么？） of children which aims at escalating social skills is necessary. The activities, organized by the experienced educators, which include some subjects having(这个词貌似不能加ing) to be achieved by groups and emphasize on the intercourse among members of them, will be very helpful.
这段通过强调交流的重要性，引出在教育孩子社会化的过程中要重视交流的重要性，但是我觉得一下子提出这个论点是不是有点突兀，况且教育孩子社会化的过程中还有其它的别的很重点的方面，可以一句点过一下保持逻辑的完整）

Although some disadvantages exist in our education to be ameliorated, it dose not mean we are innocent of how to raise our children for a better society. Some customs and spirits are constant and never change in the history such as friendship, courtesy and so on. Take friendship for example, it connects singles together and could not only enhance the protection from outside but also give you euphoria（要用形容词吧） feelings. It is indispensable for every social individual, and having some friends is possibly the first step entering into a society. And thanks to our traditional education, we are constantly influenced by our teachers and parents that having some friends is required for every child. I could never forget that under the supports form parents and teachers, my junior high school football team constituted, which shorten the distance between my classmates and me. As a result, a permanent friendship formed. Therefore, the skeptical attitude of our educating ability to cultivate our students to form good characters and contribute to the development of our society is poorly supported.（又是反驳了第二句的论点，重点拿出传统的一些教育方式说明现有的教育是有能力帮助孩子的社会化的，并且举出传统教育中鼓励孩子建立友谊的例子，这个例子赞一下，它不仅从小的普遍的方面指出传统教育的重要性，也间接的照应了第二段中的交流很重要的论点）
Every child grows up in different environments and forms their own qualities naturally. If we focus on exploiting their potential and supply them with sufficient education resources according to their different features, the students will get better growing-up and may change the destiny of the world, not because of the socialization, but due to their personalities of themselves. Mahatma Gandhi's contribution is primarily from the courage of his inner conviction, in spite of his proper socialization among genteel Indian society, as a law student, among British society. Respecting the intelligence and natural quality of the children themselves is much more important than considering what method being taken will benefit our society more.（这个又是对题目第一句的论述，说出社会话不是最好的将孩子智力充分发挥的方法）
In sum, socialization is much more important today than ever before, to cultivate students of some essential social skills is quite necessary and will properly influence the future of our society and themselves. However, some virtues of human being should be well inherited and continued, and our conventional education is proved right by the reality.

总体来说你的文章语言，论证的深度还有角度我都很佩服（一直都很佩服啦）要好好学习。不过这篇文章的思路貌似有点小乱；
你的文章大致是：P1：对题目第一句的反驳
               P2：应该算是对第二句的补充吧
               P3：是对第二句的反驳
               P4：又是对第一句的补充
               P5：总结
我觉得可以将你现有文章的P4放到P2的位置上，现有的P2/P3顺延成P3/P4，这样正好对第一句的论述可以集中起来，再由交流的重要性连接起对第二句的论述。
不知道这说好不好，先提出来了，如果说的不好的话不要介意哦，我的文章是没想好思路就写了，所以今天好好想了一下，才敢提出来的

[ 本帖最后由 dudujasper 于 2006-2-5 18:39 编辑 ]

dzhb644UID: 2127664

谢谢dudujasper的修改，我也觉得这篇文章写得不好，思路确实有点乱。

renruisiUID: 208527

dzhb644 我这几天生病 没上来
看这么多人改了我就先不给你改了吧 给你改下一篇吧
而且我这篇思路还是比较乱 还得再想想哈
见谅啊