argument 147 第一高频 谢谢：）

frankfireUID: 2188485

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 470          TIME: 0:30:00          DATE: 2006-4-7

In this argument, the author predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video games will stop declination and increase in the next few months, due to the company's new games that meet  the needs and favor of video game players. However, the argument suffers from several apparent flaws.

First of all, the survey, which the author takes as a convincing argument, is problematic. How many people are investigated in the survey? Where are they from? And their age? All these are not disclosed in author's statement. Perhaps the interviewees are almost from a same city, and their answers could not represent players all over the nation. Moreover, if the survey is only based on ideas of game magazine subscribers, similarly it fails to reflect those numerous players who never buy or subscribe such magazines.

Secondly, even if the survey is credible, lifelike graphics is not the only factor that attracts players. The author mentions that the survey asked players what features attract them, so their answers must include many features. According to my experience as a video game player, whether the game is interactive, what's the plot of game, how to control characters or troops in the game, will influence players' assessment of the game. Obviously, only concentrating on a single factor is improper.

What's more, the author unfairly assumes that the advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old is effective in promoting the sale of Whirlwind games. No evidence suggests that people of such age are mostly likely to play video games. Even if they are really the people who love video games most, it's fully possible that they are not the main consumers. People of such age are mostly students, thus they have to deal with their study and usually their parents don't allow them to spend much time and money on games.

Finally, the author fails to take other influential factors relevant to game sale into consideration. The advertising campaign may be ineffective, thus the consumers pay less attention to those new Whirlwind games than the company wished. Further, the survey mentions that the lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers. It can be true that many players still use old computers and these computers could not display the lifelike graphics, thus the new is less attractive to them. Additionally, other rivals may join the competition. Moreover, other kinds of games or entertainment may attract the people. For instance, on-line games are more fashionable today. If the new video games haven't the function of on-line playing, they may suffer a loss.

In conclusion, this is a weak argument. To strengthen it, the details of the survey are necessary. Moreover, the argument may benefit from a scrutiny of the game players. Besides, the author has to take other factors into account, including price, computer condition, etc.

[ 本帖最后由 frankfire 于 2006-4-9 10:52 编辑 ]

hokuto8UID: 2188958

写的不错，没有什么模版痕迹，我比较愿意改这种语言较自由的~~:handshake~~



In this argument, the author predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video games will stop declination//这个词是偏差的意思，建议在改变词性的时候为求保险查一下，现在查到了可能可以少一个在考试中会犯的错// and increase in the next few months, due to//due to 据我所知一般是不太好的原因，导致的意思// the company's new games that meet  the needs and favor of video game players. However, the argument suffers from several apparent flaws.

First of all, the survey, which the author takes as a convincing argument, is problematic. How many people are investigated in the survey? Where are they from? And //加个how about 会正式一点//their age? All these are not disclosed//这个词好像应该理解为揭露原来要保密的东西，这里不合适// in author's statement. Perhaps the interviewee s //这个词是指面谈，访问一类的，这个只是调查吧？// are almost from a same city, and their answers could not represent players all over the nation. Moreover, if the survey is only based on ideas of game magazine subscribers// on ideas of？？ 不太明白，不过这个例子不错，我喜欢subscribers这个例子，在别的文章中没见过~~~//, similarly it fails to reflect those numerous players who never buy or subscribe such magazines.

Secondly, even if the survey is credible, lifelike graphics is not the only factor that attracts players. The author mentions that//好，利用作者自己暴露出来的明显的疏忽，感觉有以子之矛攻子之盾的意思~~~~// the survey asked players what features attract them, so their answers must include many features. According to my experience as a video game player, whether the game is interactive, what's the plot of game, how to control characters or troops in the game, will influence players' assessment of the game. Obviously, only concentrating on a single factor is improper.//到这里，文章的根据survey引出的错误就说完了，下面是开始说公司的广告策略，所以这里应该有个小结，就像第一二点是一个较独立的模块。//

What's more, the author unfairly assumes that the advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old is effective in promoting the sale of Whirlwind games. No evidence suggests that people of such age are mostly likely to play video games. Even if they are really the people who love video games most, it's fully possible that they are not the main consumers. People of such age are mostly students, thus they have to deal with their study and usually their parents don't allow them to spend much time and money on games.

Finally, the author fails to take other influential factors relevant to game sale into consideration. The advertising campaign may be ineffective, thus the consumers pay less attention to those new Whirlwind games than the company wished.//这里还是说广告的，建议放在上一段，如果要在这里说，不能从广告本身的角度说，要从读者可能在选择游戏的时候不在意广告而是推荐一类原因—外因。// Further, the survey mentions that the lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers. It can be true that many players still use old computers and these computers could not display the lifelike graphics//一般都说，配置不行吧，不但是显卡不够//, thus the new is less attractive to them. Additionally, other rivals may join the competition. Moreover, other kinds of games or entertainment may attract the people. For instance, on-line games are more fashionable today. If the new video games haven't the function of on-line playing, they may suffer a loss.//这里连举了三个反例，但是只有一个有详细的展开，建议每一条论点后都跟一个细小的例子，不仅字数上去了，而且显示出你知道所有的现实可能性，而不是单纯的泛泛而谈。//

In conclusion, this is a weak argument. To strengthen it, the details of the survey are necessary.//不是are necessary， 应该用建议的句型和语气，下面两条也是。// Moreover, the argument may benefit from a scrutiny of the game players. Besides, the author has to take other factors into account, including price, computer condition, etc.


总的来说，思路清晰，语言行文自由，没有被模版套牢，不错~~~~~

但是，追求与别人常用词不同的时候，注意要准确用词，宁可平凡不可出错。
建议把自己的逻辑思路用确实的文字更明显地体现出来，最好每段的TS能更加有一针见血的概括段落批驳重点。比如，第一段中的problematic，太泛了，根据你下文的内容，只有说the sample is not statistical.才能准确代表你的意思。


我的同主题文，自我感觉逻辑链严密，错误自成模块，而且相互之间又有联系~~~~越看越喜欢~~~~:lol

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D4

kgin23UID: 2183064

In this argument, the author predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video games will stop declination and increase in the next few months, due to the company's new games that meet  the needs and favor of video game players. However, the argument suffers from several apparent flaws.

First of all, the survey, which the author takes as a convincing argument, is problematic. How many people are investigated in the survey? Where are they from? And their age? (age的问题可以再深入下啊，像区域的问题就已经做了进一步的讨论了) All these are not disclosed in author's statement. Perhaps the interviewees are almost from a same city, and their answers could not represent players all over the nation. Moreover, if the survey is only based on ideas of game magazine subscribers, similarly it fails to reflect those numerous players who never buy or subscribe such magazines.

Secondly, even if the survey is credible, lifelike graphics is not the only factor that attracts players. The author mentions that the survey asked players what features attract them, so their answers must include many features. According to my experience as a video game player, whether the game is interactive, what's the plot of game, how to control characters or troops in the game, will influence players' assessment of the game. Obviously, only concentrating on a single factor is improper. （这段的论述很不错呢！）

What's more, the author unfairly assumes that the advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old is effective in promoting the sale of Whirlwind games. No evidence suggests that people of such age are mostly likely to play video games. Even if they are really the people who love video games most, （这两句感觉有点不太对头，先说没有证据证明他们就是喜欢game的主力军，后面说的是这部分人最喜欢game这两个概念不同吧…）it's fully possible that they are not the main consumers. People of such age are mostly students, thus they have to deal with their study and usually their parents don't allow them to spend much time and money on games.

Finally, the author fails to take other influential factors relevant to game sale into consideration. The advertising campaign may be ineffective, thus the consumers pay less attention to those new Whirlwind games than the company wished. Further, the survey mentions that the lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers. It can be true that many players still use old computers and these computers could not display the lifelike graphics, thus the new is less attractive to them. （这里批驳得很到位！）Additionally, other rivals may join the competition. Moreover, other kinds of games or entertainment may attract the people. For instance, on-line games are more fashionable today.（这个论法挺主观的…慎用…） If the new video games haven't（don’t have） the function of on-line playing, they may suffer a loss.

In conclusion, this is a weak argument. To strengthen it, the details of the survey are necessary. Moreover, the argument may benefit from a scrutiny of the game players. Besides, the author has to take other factors into account, including price, computer condition, etc.
Before asserting that the sales trend of Whirlwind video games is about to increase dramatically in the next few months, we should examine the line of reasoning and the evidence given in this editorial from several other angles. Not only the reliability and pertinency of the survey, but also the validity of the advertising campaign is open to question. In addition, the author ignores some other factors that might affect the sales. I will discuss each of the flaws in turn.
其实最后一段也可以不写这么长中间写多点就好了

Anyway, 楼主写得很不错，模版痕迹也不大看得出来了，最重要是，开始从论证的深入上下工夫，本文虽然有些小问题，不过已经不失为一篇好文了！赞！

另外，我最近很郁闷，很懈怠有很颓废，从搬了家就开始限时（argument），一直写不出来，几乎崩溃了…无论如何,很抱歉这么久都没有上来写文和改文…
这是我的147:https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1，不是限时的，组长有空就帮我看看吧

frankfireUID: 2188485

In this argument, the author predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video games will stop declining (查过，declination有“下降”的意思，不过我想了一下还是这样表达比较好) and increase in the next few months, thanks to（查了一下，due to 还真是倾向于负面原因。谢谢） the company’s new games that meet the needs and favor of video game players. However, the argument suffers from several apparent flaws.

First of all, the survey, which the author takes as a convincing argument, is （如你建议，我在这里加一个statistically）problematic. How many people are investigated in the survey? Where are they from? And(How about 谢谢) their age? All these haven’t been disclosed(mentioned 谢谢) in author's statement. Perhaps the interviewees（interviewee是“被接见者，被访问者”的意思，我的理解是可以用来表示在调查中被采访的对象；另外有一个常用表达是depth interview，意为“对顾客需要的深入查询”） are almost from a same city, and their answers could not represent players all over the nation. Moreover, if the survey is only based on ideas of （be based on sth 意思是说，如果这个调查只是以游戏杂志订阅者的意见为基础，那么可信度就不见得高）game magazine subscribers, similarly it fails to reflect those numerous players who never buy or subscribe such magazines.

Secondly, even if the survey is credible, lifelike graphics is not the only factor that attracts players. The author mentions that the survey asked players what features attract them, so their answers must include many features. According to my experience as a video game player, interactivity, scenario, as well as the operating system of game, will all influence players' assessment of the game. Obviously, to make those games more popular, only concentrating on a single factor is insufficient.

What's more, the author unfairly assumes that the advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old is effective in promoting the sale of Whirlwind games. No evidence suggests that people of such age are mostly likely to play video games. Even if they are really the people who love video games most,(我的意思是前面先说没有证据，然后说“即使他们确实是最喜欢玩游戏的，但是。。。”你觉得这样不对，kgin？可是第二项已经是让步了) it's fully possible that they are not the main consumers. People of such age are mostly students, thus they have to deal with their study and usually their parents don't allow them to spend much time and money on games. (你的建议有道理，所以我把下段第一句提前了)And，withal, the advertising campaign may be ineffective due to admen’s ineptitude, thus the consumers pay less attention to those new Whirlwind games than the company wished.

Finally, the author fails to take other influential factors relevant to game sale into consideration. The survey mentions that the lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers. It can be true that many players still use old computers and these computers could not display（我没讨论显卡，我只是说因为机器不行不能显示这些图片） the lifelike graphics, thus the new games are less attractive to them than expected. Additionally, other rivals may join the competition and try to gain market by lower price of games. Moreover, video game players and possible consumers of such game may turn to other kinds of games or entertainment. For instance, on-line games are more fashionable in game players today. (kgin，网络游戏现在是最火爆的游戏，我想我应该加上范围的限定，不然可能会引起误会)If the new video games haven't（don’t have） the function of on-line playing, they may suffer a loss.（论点应该跟实例，你说得没错，我也明白，但我写不了那么快。。。）

In conclusion, this is a weak argument. To strengthen it, the details of the survey are necessary. （你说一定要用建议语气，这个我不同意，不管是北美范文还是ets范文，都在结尾段用过must, should, …is need之类的句式，而且从道理上讲，如果是明明白白的缺漏，为什么不可以直言不讳“必须”呢？）Moreover, the argument may benefit from a scrutiny of the game consumers and their interests. Besides, the author has to take other factors into account, including price, computer condition of players, other entertainment, etc.

总之，非常感谢两位的修改。Hokuto8的语言功力很不错，总体意见相当中肯，还指出了一些我以前一直没意识到的问题，在此万分感谢。你的文章我会拍回去的，也希望你再考虑一下几处我认为还有待商榷的地方。当然，kgin的文章我也会去拍。呵呵。我还有十天考试，最后奋斗一周了！

hokuto8UID: 2188958

讨论一下就~~~~

1、:confused:interview这个词我一看到就有面谈，深入地感觉，我希望用的词能让人感觉到是那种随便广发调查表，然后收回来直接统计，完全不管被测人是否认真地回答了问题，也不靠是否是有效回卷的那种调查的感觉，一看到interview我就感觉做这个调查的人是很认真，方法科学的。

2、ideal，我不太见这个单词这样用，所以一下没反应过来，查一下，又完美、唯心的想法的意思，很不错的使用~~:)~~

3、kgin的对你的第三点的批驳的意见，我觉得有理，我一开始都没注意到。
你的是说： 广告不能有效------不是主力军-----有兴趣也没购买力
我认为应该是：  在进行广告时，一开始前提就无证据（其实是隐含了一个假设：调查反映了这个）将顾客群定位在10到25的人---认为他们有兴趣购买---即使调查正确，也不能反映整个年龄段是主力军（呼应并让步上一段）；然后，即使有兴趣也无能力卖； 所以，广告无效。----其实你也这道这点，但是没有在文字上表现出来准确的关系。

准确的说，这篇文章作者是根据一个不准确的调查得出 lifelike graphics的市场会大好，同时自己最近的推广游戏刚好是这类，所以它认为自己赶上了这个趋势，所以会赢利。我的思路是： 调查不能证明有这种市场趋势存在，即使存在广告也进行得有问题，即使调查和广告都没问题还没有考虑其他因素如市场竞争和机器配置要求----我在自己的文章中费了老劲想说清楚这些，你去看看说清了吗？

4、不是说显卡，我的意思这里应该用hardware这样的，不能运行是因为整个机器的配置性能---从处理器到屏幕，这样说准确一些。

5、我不是说不能用must一类的，事实上我也常用，我是觉得平平淡淡的陈述语气不对头，must还有命令、强制的意味呢~~~到这里，你都指出别人的那么多错了，提意见时就有点气势，别may、possible一类的。


argu我写得不错，但issue就感觉很差了，没边没际地自己列论点真难，因为我希望能说得完满，但是现在又做不到，英文跟不上中文思路。帮忙看看：

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D3

[ 本帖最后由 hokuto8 于 2006-4-9 14:15 编辑 ]