【同主题作文第二期166】第一篇拙作，大家鸡蛋西红柿尽管扔

ishida1981UID: 2180721

topic 166
People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.

We recognize a difference between children and adults. When we are children, we are naive, simply, unsophisticated. We may make some mistakes sometimes. We often depend on our parents and other adults. When we become adult, we are independent, intelligent, conscientious. We can be relied on other people. During the process from child to adult, there are 3 significant aspects.

First, when a child become a adult, one of apparent signs is that  he or she has more strong build. When we are  children, we are little ,short and  thin. We have a baby face and a childish expression. But when we grow up, our bodies change extraordinarily and become more high and more heave. Boys' face become from baby face to men's face. Most of them have beard. Girl's figures are more and more jimp.

Second, knowledge  is one of the significant factors which determine if a child becomes a adult. During the process from a child to adult, they attained all kinds of knowledges from around them. Books, silent  teacher, are our best friends all our lives. They teach us how to face difficulties in our society. Generally, everyone will meet all sorts of teachers in our school who teach us how to study more effectively. Our parents, the close teacher, accompany us during the progress from a child to an adult. They teach us how to be a good person. Furthermore, we can acquire a lot of knowledge from other facets, such as our friends ,tv ,radio, newspaper ,net and so on. Through acquiring those knowledge, we become more and more mature.

Third, I believe a mature person should be an independent idea. When we are girls and boys,we have to make vital determination sometimes. Most of time, our parents help us with making decisions. But when we become adults, many decisions have to be made by ourselves. For example, after we graduate from college, we will have to find a job. We may face all kinds of problems in our jobs. We can't depend on our parents as we do before. Everything is our choices. But it is not mean that we give up parents' help. Sometimes, our parents can provide many good suggestions which  benefit for us.

xiaowenzi118UID: 202887

We recognize a difference between children and adults. When we are children, we are naive, simply, unsophisticated. We may make some mistakes sometimes. We often depend on our parents and other adults. When we become adult, we are independent, intelligent, conscientious. We can be relied on other people. During the process from child to adult, there are 3(不建议这样写) significant aspects. (这一段不太像开头,也是区别吧,开头尽量简洁一点)

First, when a child become a adult, one of apparent signs is that  he or she has more strong build. When we are  children, we are little ,short and  thin. We have a baby face and a childish expression. But when we grow up, our bodies change extraordinarily and become more high and more heave. Boys' face become from baby face to men's face. Most of them have beard. Girl's figures are more and more jimp.

Second, knowledge  is one of the significant factors which determine if a child becomes a adult. During the process from a child to adult, they attained all kinds of knowledges from around them. Books, silent  teacher, are our best friends all our lives. They teach us how to face difficulties in our society. Generally, everyone will meet all sorts of teachers in our school who teach us how to study more effectively. Our parents, the close teacher, accompany us during the progress from a child to an adult. They teach us how to be a good person. Furthermore, we can acquire a lot of knowledge from other facets, such as our friends ,tv ,radio, newspaper ,net and so on. Through acquiring those knowledge, we become more and more mature.

Third, I believe a mature person should be an independent idea. (这一句看起来有点离题了.adult和mature应该不是同一个概念吧)When we are girls and boys,we have to make vital determination sometimes. Most of time, our parents help us with making decisions. But when we become adults, many decisions have to be made by ourselves. For example, after we graduate from college, we will have to find a job. We may face all kinds of problems in our jobs. We can't depend on our parents as we do before. Everything is our choices. But it is not mean that we give up parents' help. Sometimes, our parents can provide many good suggestions which  benefit for us.

文章展开得很深入,分析也很透彻.但不建议用first, second, third这样的连接词,显得太平淡了.

ishida1981UID: 2180721

谢谢xiaowenzi帮我改作文，这第一篇作文写的我好痛苦。一共花了两个多小时，而且还因为中间卡壳，分成三次完成。

你说的建议真的很中肯：

开头是我觉得最难写的部分，酝酿了半天，也是最不满意的部分。

中间的连接词没有细想过，看来应该看一些好的范文，学学别人的过渡段。

例子我觉得也举的很平淡，我看了你的第一篇习作，里面关于彼得·潘的引用真的让人眼前一亮。

你的第二篇习作我还要好好研究一遍，句法和文法真的已经挑不出什么毛病，其他明天再回。

非常感谢xiaowenzi!!!:)

xiaowenzi118UID: 202887

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