Argument25 [黄金十二宫]第一次作业(5.24)

微末三月UID: 205072

第一次写,没掐时间,不过感觉写得还比较顺手.麻烦圣者帮我改了.也欢迎小组成员们来拍~~

outline:
1.OV的经济增长是否由新建golf course and hotel造成的值得怀疑
2.在Hopewell新建golf course and hotel不一定能带来经济增长,二者情况不同
3.怀疑新建golf course and hotel是最好的方法



Argument:
The mayor of the Hopewell conclude that to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View(OV) will bring about the improvement of Hopewell’s economy and the generation of additional tax revenues. To support this recommendation, the mayor cites that during the past two years tourism in OV has increased, new businesses have opened, and Ocean View’s tax revenues have risen by 30 percent. Yet the mayor fails to offer sufficient evidence to substantiate the cause-and-effect relationship.

To begin with, the reasoning whether building a new municipal golf course and resort hotel in OV have led to the increased tourism and tax revenues is open to unwarranted. Perhaps the government of the town of OV established some policies in order to attract more tourists other than these, such as improving the environment around the famous scenic spot, cutting down the entrance fee, and facilitating the transportation near the town, and so forth. In short, without ruling out the other alternative means of increasing the tourism, the mayor cannot convince me that to build a golf and resort hotel will immediate result in more profit.

In the second place, the evidence provided in this recommendation is not sufficient to validate the assumption that establishing a golf course and resort hotel will lead to more revenues and bring us an increase in economy in Hopewell as well as in OV. Perhaps it is not advisable to build a golf course due to poor condition of the landform in Hopewell. It will cost so large amount of money to make the hills flat and refit the lawn that even after a long time the town can not profit from it. Moreover, the arguer fails to take into account whether the golf course and resort hotel in Hopewell are good enough as the same as in OV to attract adequate travelers to make both ends meet, maybe they will be bankrupted soon because of their low-level administrations.

Last but not least, the mayor fails to convince me that to build a golf course and resort hotel is the optimal means to improve the Hopewell’s economy. Admittedly, to build a golf course and resort with an excellence services and high-level administration might contribute to gain more earning in a certain extent. But the mayor lacks the further information to explain that it is the best way. For example, maybe investing an amount of money on the high-tech industry will bring in more revenues within a short time.

In sum, the recommendation relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the argument the mayor need to provided clear evidence that Ocean View’s golf course and hotel, not other policies, has been responsible for increasing revenues in last two years. To better assess the recommendation, I wound need to know whether to build a golf course and resort hotel will immediately lead to a rise in economy in Hopewell. I wound also need detailed analysis to determine whether this is the best approach to make a rise in economy.

[ 本帖最后由 微末三月 于 2006-5-24 20:01 编辑 ]

永远的圣者UID: 2182901

先载下来了，还不敢妄加修改，我先回去看看

渡渡鸟UID: 145880

The mayor of the Hopewell conclude that to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View(OV) will bring about the improvement(increasing或accretion好些) of Hopewell’s economy and the generation of additional tax revenues. To support this recommendation, the mayor cites that during the past two years tourism in OV has increased, new businesses have opened, and Ocean View’s tax revenues have risen by 30 percent. Yet the mayor fails to offer sufficient evidence to substantiate the cause-and-effect relationship.

To begin with, the reasoning whether building a new municipal golf course and resort hotel in OV have led to the increased tourism and tax revenues is open to unwarranted. Perhaps the government of the town of OV established some policies in order to attract more tourists other than these, such as improving the environment around the famous scenic spot, cutting down the entrance fee, and facilitating the transportation near the town, and so forth. In short, without ruling out the other alternative means of increasing the tourism, the mayor cannot convince me that to build a golf and resort hotel will immediate result in more profit.

In the second place, the evidence provided in this recommendation is not sufficient to validate the assumption that establishing a golf course and resort hotel will lead to more revenues and bring us an increase in economy in Hopewell as well as in OV. Perhaps it is not advisable to build a golf course due to poor condition of the landform in Hopewell. It will cost so large amount of money to make the hills flat and refit the lawn that even after a long time the town can not profit from it. Moreover, the arguer fails to take into account whether the golf course and resort hotel in Hopewell are good enough as the same as in OV to attract adequate travelers to make both ends meet, maybe they will be bankrupted soon because of their low-level administrations.

Last but not least, the mayor fails to convince me that to build a golf course and resort hotel is the optimal means to improve the Hopewell’s economy. Admittedly, to build a golf course and resort with an excellence（excellent） services and high-level administration might contribute to gain more earning in a certain extent. But the mayor lacks the further information to explain that it is the best way. For example, maybe investing an amount of money on the high-tech industry will bring in more revenues within a short time.

In sum, the recommendation relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the argument the mayor need to provided clear evidence that Ocean View’s golf course and hotel, not other policies, has been responsible for increasing revenues in last two years. To better assess the recommendation, I wound need to know whether to build a golf course and resort hotel will immediately lead to a rise in economy in Hopewell. I wound also need detailed analysis to determine whether this is the best approach to make a rise in economy.
(最后2句用as well as联起来感觉会好些。)

总体感觉挺好的，语言不错。比我写的好：）

魏玛竹林UID: 2201594

本来下载了说改改看的
可是三月真的行文很流畅啊~用词的也很强悍~句式也漂亮~逻辑也严谨（那个BEST的问题我怎么就没看出来）
不过既然看了总得挑点错吧
嘿嘿
感觉驳的不够透 每个问题都提出来 说了可能的情况 举了一句话例子 好象差那么一口气 毛爷爷教导我们 宜将趁勇追穷寇 如果例子之后再狠狠补一刀不知是不是会更棒呢

微末三月UID: 205072

To 渡渡



那几个题设出现过的词汇,比如:increase & improve 修改后,我替换成 stimulate & boost,这样感觉更丰富些.最后那两句...写的时候是合一块的,后来觉得总结太短,就拉长成两单句凑数了...


To 魏玛



太夸奖我了~~我还觉得这篇文章XDF的味儿太重了
的确,每个例子都感觉没说透,写了几句,就急急往下赶,只顾着凑那个数了,呵呵
容我再修改修改~~

永远的圣者UID: 2182901

三月同学太不好意思了，下午晚上都有事情去了，没来的及改，而且我觉的自己的水平呢还是逊逊，这次是拜托一个考过G的人帮忙改的，我觉得还是挺有道理的……


如下：
说说我的感觉吧，首先，当然是一看就知道是GRE的作文，语言上比较通顺，没什么太别扭的地方，不过感觉读起来新东方式的模版太明显，如果能用一些更柔和的语言会更好，不过这不是什么大问题。

一些意见：
逻辑：原文的逻辑是这样的：open hotel-〉prosperity of tourism-〉prosperity of economic-〉we should also do所以建议你更加明显的批那几个-〉，感觉你驳论点过于集中在前两个，而且几段中心区分不明显。
字数：太多了，510多？考场上不可能写那么多的，而且写得太快影响思路。建议写400-450就可以了。
结构：开头太长，不要把题目抄一遍，那样不好。
语言：用不定式和代词的时候要小心，用不好的话读的时候会有些别扭。
Tips：句子开头一定别用and、or、but等词汇。

The mayor of the Hopewell conclude that to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View(OV) will bring about the improvement of Hopewell's economy and the generation of additional tax revenues. [To support this recommendation, the mayor cites that during the past two years tourism in OV has increased, new businesses have opened, and Ocean View's tax revenues have risen by 30 percent.]删！ Yet the mayor fails to offer sufficient evidence to substantiate the cause-and-effect relationship.

To begin with, the reasoning whether building a new municipal golf course and resort hotel in OV have led to the increased tourism and  tax revenues is open to unwarranted. Perhaps the government of the town of OV established some policies in order to attract more tourists other than these, such as improving the environment around the famous scenic spot, cutting down the entrance fee, and facilitating the transportation near the town, [and so forth]这种词最好别用，还有and so on，etc等等，有什么就写什么，没有就不写了. In short, without ruling out the other alternative means of [increasing the tourism]感觉重复了，删, the mayor cannot convince me that to build a golf and resort hotel will immediate result in more profit.

In the second place, the evidence provided in this recommendation is not sufficient to validate the assumption that [establishing a golf course and resort hotel will lead to more revenues and bring us an increase in economy in Hopewell as well as in OV]思维跳跃了，这里可以分2段写. Perhaps it is not advisable to build a golf course due to poor condition of the landform in Hopewell. [It will cost so large amount of money to make the hills flat and refit the lawn that even after a long time the town can not profit from it]这句话读着有点怪. Moreover, the arguer fails to take into account whether the golf course and resort hotel in Hopewell [are]can be good enough as the same as in OV to attract [adequate]sufficient travelers to meet[make] both ends [meet], maybe they will [be bankrupted]bankrupt soon because of [their low-level] Administration problems.

Last but not least, the mayor fails to convince me that [to build]the construction of a golf course and resort hotel is the optimal means to improve [the Hopewell's] economy. Admittedly, to build a golf course and resort with [an] excellence services and high-level administration might contribute to [gain more earning]better municipal income [in]to a [certain] extent. But the mayor lacks the further information to explain that it is the best way. For example, maybe [investing an amount of money] investment on the high-tech industry will bring in more revenues within a short time.

In sum, the recommendation relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing [as it stands]？？？什么意思. To bolster the argument the mayor need to provided clear evidence that Ocean View's golf course and hotel, not other policies, [has been responsible for increasing revenues in last two years.]前面好像不是这么说得 To better assess the recommendation, [I wound need to know whether to build a golf course and resort hotel will immediately lead to a rise in economy in Hopewell. I wound also need detailed analysis to determine whether this is the best approach to make a rise in economy.]建议用第三人称角度

微末三月UID: 205072

The mayor of the Hopewell conclude that to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View will bring about the improvement of Hopewell's economy and the generation of additional tax revenues. [To support this recommendation, the mayor cites that during the past two years tourism in OV has increased, new businesses have opened, and Ocean View's tax revenues have risen by 30 percent.]删！ Yet the mayor fails to offer sufficient evidence to substantiate the cause-and-effect relationship.罗嗦型复述原文论点是从XDF学来的啊...一来能理清思绪,二来能..凑个字数

To begin with, the reasoning whether building a new municipal golf course and resort hotel in OV have led to the increased tourism and  tax revenues is open to unwarranted. Perhaps the government of the town of OV established some policies in order to attract more tourists other than these, such as improving the environment around the famous scenic spot, cutting down the entrance fee, and facilitating the transportation near the town, [and so forth]这种词最好别用，还有and so on，etc等等，有什么就写什么，没有就不写了.这里颇有一种,瞧着论点多荒谬啊,能举出的反例多不胜数,我都不屑再跟你辩了...的感觉 In short, without ruling out the other alternative means of [increasing the tourism]感觉重复了，删, the mayor cannot convince me that to build a golf and resort hotel will immediate result in more profit.

In the second place, the evidence provided in this recommendation is not sufficient to validate the assumption that [establishing a golf course and resort hotel will lead to more revenues and bring us an increase in economy in Hopewell as well as in OV]思维跳跃了，这里可以分2段写. 跳跃了吗??我没觉得呀Perhaps it is not advisable to build a golf course due to poor condition of the landform in Hopewell. [It will cost so large amount of money to make the hills flat and refit the lawn that even after a long time the town can not profit from it]这句话读着有点怪. 原本是想说:铲平小山和修整草坪的花费太大,以至于在很长一段时间里OV不能从中收益Moreover, the arguer fails to take into account whether the golf course and resort hotel in Hopewell [are]can be good enough as the same as in OV to attract [adequate]sufficient travelers to meet[make] both ends [meet], maybe they will [be bankrupted]bankrupt soon because of [their low-level] Administration problems.这段小错真多,这样改确实通顺很多呢

Last but not least, the mayor fails to convince me that [to build]the construction of a golf course and resort hotel is the optimal means to improve [the Hopewell's] economy. Admittedly, to build a golf course and resort with [an] excellence services and high-level administration might contribute to [gain more earning]better municipal income [in]to a [certain] extent. But the mayor lacks the further information to explain that it is the best way. For example, maybe [investing an amount of money] investment on the high-tech industry will bring in more revenues within a short time.同感,改得通顺多了

In sum, the recommendation relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing [as it stands]？？？什么意思. 北美范围的标准总结句啊..不知道判卷人是什么看法To bolster the argument the mayor need to provided clear evidence that Ocean View's golf course and hotel, not other policies, [has been responsible for increasing revenues in last two years.]前面好像不是这么说得确实!把论据弄出来了 To better assess the recommendation, [I wound need to know whether to build a golf course and resort hotel will immediately lead to a rise in economy in Hopewell. I wound also need detailed analysis to determine whether this is the best approach to make a rise in economy.]建议用第三人称角度也是北美范文啊..大家对那些写法真是态度各异呢


感谢圣者的意见,那些小词改得真不错,文章紧凑多了.
不过XDF的味道估计还得慢慢地才能褪掉...
感觉自己的文章不像范文里那么态度强硬,直接用过来确有不妥.