范文点评【越洋农场】第四周慢组

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范文点评

NO.1"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."
6 分作文

开头段是本人觉得此篇ISSUE最出彩的地方。文章一开始描述人类历史轨迹，给人留下了很好的印象，并且不着痕迹的提出了自己的观点，即中间部分作者提出的“only very lately have  Erg’s descendants come to question the benefits of technology”.此段就此转变方向，开始论述工业技术带来的弊端。这种写法给我的感觉是非常细致，也同时体现了作者的文化素养，再想想我自己现在开头直白地提出自己反对或同意作者观点，只能说我果然是粗人一个。

Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools, has a long history. Ever since Erg the caveman first conked an animal with a rock, people have been using technology. For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed people to move ever closer together. Because fields could be cultivated and the technology to store food existed, people would live in cities rather than in small nomadic tribes.
Only very lately have Erg's descendants come to question the benefits of technology. The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread technologies that mechanized many tasks. As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs in the technological machine. Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by down-trodden automation's operating machinery in grim factories.

第二段，描写了现代技术带给我们的所谓的益处，“ambiguous”一词很好地表达了作者的观点——这样的“益处”并非真正的益处。
第三段，作者直接就这个观点展开论述

The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous. They have made work ever more efficient and knit the world together in a web of information and phone lines. Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home. He won't need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those
chat rooms. Hungry? Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service. Bored? Download a new game. And yet...

Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision. Erg may be doing work, but is it real work? Are his online friends real friends? Does anything count in a spiritual way if it's just digital? Since the Industrial Revolution, we have been haunted by the prospect that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, souless. The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangeable data. We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends. We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them. In short, the new technology emphasizes a spiritual crisis that has been building for quite some time.

第四段，文章的展开，现代技术与技术的本源已有本质区别

As I try to unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technology's original result. A better plow meant easier farming, more food, longer lives, and more free time to pursue other things such as art. Our newest technology does not give us more free time; it consumes our free time. We are terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other. We stay safe, and lonely, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.

总结段，作者首先申明自己不是阻碍技术进步的人，然后提出需要一种平衡，最后告诉我们技术对现今生活的真正作用和意义。总的说来，结尾段升华了全文，在这里不再是简单的支持或是反对论点，而是告诉我们到底应该怎么做才能真正很好的运用工业技术，从另一个侧面说明了任何物都是死的，人才是最关键的因素。

While I am certainly not a Luddite, I do believe we need to look for a bit more balance between technology and life. We have to tear ourselves away from the fatal distractions and go out into the world. Technology has given us long lives and endless supplies of information. Now we need to apply that information, use the time we're not spending conking our dinner with a club, and find our reasons for living.

这篇文章给我们开头和结尾的写作起了很好的典范作用，说实话我并不认为这篇文章中间的论证部分有多么有力，多么有说服力，但是掐了中间看两头，确实漂亮。综上所述，我们在提高语言技巧的基础上，应该尝试着写写这样的开头，不要再白白地平铺直述了。

ETS评价
This outstanding response displays cogent reasoning, insightful, persuasive analysis, and superior control of language. The essay immediately identifies the complexities of the issue and then playfully explores both the benefits and the drawbacks of technological developments over the course of human history. The writer maintains that a "balance between technology and life" is necessary if humans are going to abate the loneliness that is part of modern existence.

nornsUID: 2325187

在搜索以前范文的评析, 把这个帖子顶起来了  

是想问问斑斑们能不能牵个头点评一些范文  然后由网友们在后面跟帖自己的心得和体会

集思广益嘛

:loveliness:

[ 本帖最后由 norns 于 2007-7-28 10:21 编辑 ]