argument147 【CSMY作文互改小组】第一次作业

solohanUID: 2279589

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 284          TIME: 0:24:55          DATE: 2006-12-31
Revised: 506

The editor describes a brilliant prospect of Whirlwind video games. His conclusion is simply based on a recent survey and the advertising campaign. It is not difficult to find that his reasons are so loose and unjustified which would not lead credence to his conclusion.
The fundamental assumption under the editor’s assertion is that the new video-game sales will help the Whirlwind recover. In fact, he provides on information on the reasons for Whirlwind sales declined over the past two years. Possibly, this decline was caused by the economic influence like elevation of price or reduction of inhabitant’s revenue. Or it was the result of mismanagement inside the company, or the competition from an outside firm. Maybe there are problems in the process of selling the products, like bad service, poor propaganda. Only though promoting the new games would not change these crucial factors responsible for the sales decline.   
To make the conclusion justified at least in the surface, he cites a result from a survey, whose information is blur and dubious. Where the survey was conducted? How many persons it investigated? Does it cover a representative sample of the video-game player population? What the demographic characteristics of the respondents? Could they represent the customers of Whirlwind? What features in the survey were mentioned? Are they comprehensive? With definite answers to these questions, the results are susceptible. Biased surveys which include small samples, or have no representative possibility, or limited in the small scope could not provide any useful information for us.
Assuming the results of the survey is convincing, the following assertion based on the advertising campaign is still too arbitrary. The focused audience of the advertisement is people aged 10-25, who perhaps were not the main consumers of Whirlwind video games. In addition, the advertising campaign could not ensure it was really seen by the focused customers. It is also quite possible that the advertisement emphasizing something else like price and auditory pleasures instead of the contents and visual presentation (i.e. life like graphics); thus fails to touch the concern of the consumer.
Provided that the advertisement indeed has effect as expected, there are no guarantees for increasing sales. Would they buy the games is still questionable because the purchasing process is complex depending on several factors, like the price of the production and the convenience to buy it. The consumers may find the Whirlwind games are too expensive, or they would buy a similar one from another company in a lower price. Even the games are sold, no evidence proves that the sales would raise dramatically which is a large number, let alone in two months, which is too short time to catch the whole situation. The editor fails to consider this and that factors but draws the conclusion too harshly.
To make a more informed prediction, the editor needs evidence to rule out other factors affecting the sales of Whirlwind video games. Additionally, he should collect the details of the survey, investigates the influence of the advertisement and assess the possible sales.

nannanwsUID: 2284587

Argument
The editor describes a brilliant prospect of Whirlwind video games. His conclusion is simply based on a recent survey and the advertising campaign. It is not difficult to find that his reasons are so loose and unjustified which would not lead credence to his conclusion.

The fundamental assumption under the editor’s assertion is that the new video-game sales will help the Whirlwind recover. In fact, he provides on information on the reasons for Whirlwind sales declined over the past two years. Possibly, this decline was caused by the economic influence like elevation of price or reduction of inhabitant’s revenue. Or it was the result of mismanagement inside the company, or the competition from an outside firm. Maybe there are problems in the process of selling the products, like bad service, poor propaganda. Only though promoting the new
games would not change these crucial factors responsible for the sales decline这句话语法上是不是有问题?.   

To make the conclusion justified at least in the surface, he cites a result from a survey, whose information is blur and dubious. Where the survey was conducted? How many persons it investigated? Does it cover a representative sample of the video-game player population? What the demographic characteristics of the respondents?缺谓语 Could they represent the customers of Whirlwind? What features in the survey were mentioned? Are they comprehensive? With 应该是without吧definite answers to these questions, the results are susceptible.又看懂了,觉得是不是susceptible这个词用的不是很恰当,容易有岐义阿 Biased surveys which include small samples, or have no representative possibility, or limited in the small scope could not provide any useful information for us.

Assuming the results of the survey is convincing, the following assertion based on the advertising campaign is still too arbitrary. The focused audience of the advertisement is people aged 10-25, who perhaps were not the main consumers of Whirlwind video games. In addition, the advertising campaign could not ensure it was really seen by the focused customers. It is also quite possible that the advertisement emphasizing something else like price and auditory pleasures instead of the contents and visual presentation (i.e. life like graphics); thus fails to touch the concern of the consumer. 不懂了,缺不缺主语?

Provided that the advertisement indeed has effect as expected, there are no guarantees for increasing sales. Would they buy the games is still questionable because the purchasing process is complex depending on several factors, like the price of the production and the convenience to buy it. The consumers may find the Whirlwind games are too expensive, or they would buy a similar one from another company in a lower price. Even the games are sold, no evidence proves that the sales would raise dramatically which is a large number, let alone in two months, which is too short time to catch the whole situation. The editor fails to consider this and that factors but draws the conclusion too harshly.

To make a more informed prediction, the editor needs evidence to rule out other factors affecting the sales of Whirlwind video games. Additionally, he should collect the details of the survey, investigates the influence of the advertisement and assess the possible sales.

修改了的这篇我觉得挺不错的,楼主谦虚了
挺有说服力的.
上面改的问题,如果改的不对,尽请楼主包涵,并给与讲解,共同学习进步.嘻嘻