Issue5 【CSMY作文互改第四小组】第三次作业

ctexUID: 2241178

Issue5
A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."
Date:01-08   Time :56mins 02seconds      578words

The speaker asserts that there must be a national curriculum for all its students up until college and instead of permitting schools in different regions to choose their own course. As far as I am concerned, I agree that there should be some common core curricula that serve ultimately to the foundation of the education. Meanwhile, however, there still should be space to left for local schools, communities to decide courses with their own features. The educational system will deteriorate in the long run were there n o freedom for individual states and schools as well as communities.

To begin with, It is essential for a nation to set forth a curricula that contains some common kernel courses. These courses may include math, verbal, history about the nation and the world ,as well as geography knowledge about the nation and the earth and so on. Through studying these core basic courses, students will be able to attain a basic knowledge about science and the human being as well as the world. Then they can make their further study smooth. Only by this way, students can master essential knowledge and skills for their career development. It is terrible to think that if a nation has not a common curricula about core courses then what the whole educational system will looks like. Different states adopt various courses that do not have common base, then when students grow up, they find their knowledge is quite different from students in others states and even can not effectively communicate each other. Therefore, It is necessary for a nation to put forth a common curricula on common core courses for all its students.

On the other hand, if a nation requires all its schools to adopt all the same courses, this be bound to bring about serious effects which will undermine the local culture  and give rise to some unexpected affairs in society. each state has its own special history, culture as well as educational system. First, for an example, the Indiana state is the original place of the origins of American, if the history about Indiana were forbidden in local schools, students can not gain the knowledge about the Indiana through studying in school. Second, Taking the California as an example, its history is mainly made up of immigration. If the schools in California are not allowed to pass down the history about its own, the students in elementary and secondary schools will ignore and even eventually forget the history. The knowledge lack of history will cause them feel depressed at some times because of they do not know where their roots are from. As a matter of fact, this clearly illustrates the phenomena that the drug problem among adolescence is becoming more and more serious. To some degree, it is reason that they are ignorant of their ancestor's history that was filled with blood and diligence. Thirdly, If a common curricula were forcefully enforced through out the whole country, the nation would leave no diverse and wonderful knowledge about history and culture to his offspring.

Overall, the common curricula across a nation is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it is necessary for educational system to form a common core base for all its students. On the other hand, the decision-makers about regulations of curricula will take the different features of each states and schools into account. Only this will not bring about bad effects to local schools and to the nation.

solohanUID: 2279589

The speaker asserts that there must be a national curriculum for all its students up (its 指带的什么呢，up是不是有点多余)until college and (deleted) instead of permitting schools in different regions to choose their own course(s). As far as I am concerned, I agree that there should be some common core curricula that serve ultimately to the foundation of the education. Meanwhile, however, (连着两个连词，感觉有点怪，说不好) there still should be space to left for local schools, (and) communities to decide courses with their own features. The educational system will deteriorate in the long run were there n o freedom for individual states and schools as well as communities.(这句是想用虚拟语气吗？好像结构有点问题，读起来不是很通顺)
To begin with, It is essential for a nation to set forth a curricula that contains some common kernel courses. These courses may include math, verbal, history about the nation and the world ,as well as geography knowledge about the nation and the earth and so on. Through studying these core basic courses (core和basic用一个就可以了), students will be able to attain a basic knowledge about science and the human being as well as the world. Then they can (用to 把前后两句连接起来可以使表达简洁一点) make their further study smooth. Only by this way, students can master essential knowledge and skills for their career development. It is terrible (好像太严重了，事实上美国也是近年来才开始统一课程的，而且学校都是自愿参加的)to think that if a nation has not a common curricula about core courses then what the whole educational system will looks like. Different states adopt various courses that do not have common base, then when students grow up, they find their knowledge is quite different from students in others states and even can not effectively communicate each other (这个假设。。。似乎有点夸大了). Therefore, it is necessary for a nation to put forth a common curricula on common core courses for all its students. (这段的意思很清楚，只是觉得有点罗嗦，不够insightful)
On the other hand, if a nation requires all its schools to adopt all the same courses, this be bound to bring about serious effects which will undermine the local culture  and give rise to some unexpected affairs (?) in society. each state has its own special history, culture as well as educational system (as well as 强调的是前部分，所以该把重点放在前面). First, for an example, the Indiana state is the original place of the origins of American, if the history about Indiana were forbidden in local schools, students can not gain the knowledge about the Indiana through studying in school. Second, Taking the California as an example, its history is mainly made up of immigration. If the schools in California are not allowed to pass down the history about its own, the students in elementary and secondary schools will ignore and even eventually forget the history. (例子不错，学习！)The knowledge lack of history will cause them feel depressed at some times because of they do not know where their roots are from. As a matter of fact, this clearly illustrates the phenomena that the drug problem among adolescence is becoming more and more serious. To some degree, it is reason that they are ignorant of their ancestor's history that was filled with blood and diligence. (这与drug有关系吗？没太看明白。而且一大段主要就只说了history的问题，例子不够丰富，没有从多个层次和角度来例证) Thirdly, If a common curricula were forcefully enforced through out the whole country, the nation would leave no diverse and wonderful knowledge about history and culture to his offspring.(第三点观点很好啊，但怎么刚被开了个头就终止了，应该具体分析分析啊)
Overall, the common curricula across a nation is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it is necessary for educational system to form a common core (不知咋地，就是觉得common和core合在一起怪怪的)base for all its students. On the other hand, the decision-makers about regulations of curricula will (should) take the different features of each states and schools into account. Only this will not bring about bad effects to local schools and to the nation. (bad太概括了，也太普通了)
总的说来，作者的论证很规整，表述是很具体的，也看到出用词用句很下了功夫的。
但有点小建议：句子的表达可以更简练一点，适当使用一些目的状语从句或者定于从句，将几个句子并起来。
可以多分几个段落，从多个方面展开,一旦提出了一个看法，就要深入地分析一下。这与考研作文不同嘛，不需要限于三段论^-^
个人觉得没有必要刻意地使用一些例子，评分标准不是说了吗：理由或者例子。
50多分钟写了这么多字，还是很厉害的！