Argument147 我的第一篇A，欢迎炮火猛击

bluecoffeeUID：2269264

Argument147
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

The author attributes the decline of Whirlwind video game’s sales to the very features of video games and accordingly carried out an extensive advertising campaign, which is believed to bring dramatically increasing sales of Whirlwind video games. But this conclusion is not convincing as asserted.

First of all, the survey on which the argument is based is far from persuasive. For one thing, although people 10 to 25 years old are recognized to be most likely to play video games, the survey didn’t focus on this special group of potential customers. For another thing, video game’ features, although claimed to be the most important in the survey, may not be the most factor regarding the game’s popularity. In fact, it may be just the special requirement for up-to-date computers, which probably are often unavailable, that limits the popularity of those lifelike-graphics-providing games. If this is true, the new campaign of Whirlwind is likely to work negatively, especially in the possibility that the 10 to 25 years group has a similar preference with those who responded the survey.

Even if the preference in regard to games’ features is reliable, there can be other factors influencing purchasing behaviors. Consumers tend to take a overall consideration about the quality and prices, often with comparison among products from different producers, before they make the final choice. Maybe Whirlwind’s games are only too expensive, thus, the new extensive advertising campaign, which will undoubtedly increase the cost and as a result may lead to even higher prices, will come out to be undesirable.

What’s more, there may be other reasons concerning the recent decline in video game’s sales as reported. For example, recent years’ fierce competition in video game industry had caused every individual producer’s sales to decline, or the government had taken effective methods to influence the video game industry, either in producing or in marketing. In such cases, this is possibility that Whirlwind’s sale condition was much better than its rivals, thus, the costly campaign will probably be disappointing.  

In conclusion, the survey may illustrate some reasons for the decline in Whirlwind video-games’ sales, but without other information concerning prices and rivals’ conditions, as well as the broader marketing environment such as relevant policies, we can’t fully understand the causes of the reported sales’ decline, say nothing of confidently looking forward to a dramatic increase in sales to follow the simple extensive advertising campaign.

forwyvernhomUID：2266412

The author attributes the decline of Whirlwind video game’s sales to the very features of video games and accordingly carried out an extensive advertising campaign(and后面的内容主语指代不清,同样对于之后的which), which is believed to bring dramatically increasing sales(个人感觉改成dramatical increase in sales) of Whirlwind video games. But this conclusion is not (so) convincing as asserted.

First of all, the survey on which the argument is based is far from persuasive. For one thing, although people 10 to 25 years old are recognized to be most likely to play video games(be the most likey video-game player或许更好吧^^), the survey didn’t focus on this special group of potential customers. For another thing, video game’ features, although claimed to be the most important in the survey, may not be the most (改成major吧 光most表示大多数)factor regarding the game’s popularity. In fact, it may be just the special requirement for up-to-date computers, which probably are often unavailable, that limits the popularity of those lifelike-graphics-providing games. If this is true, the new campaign of Whirlwind is likely to work negatively, especially in the possibility that the 10 to 25 years group has a similar preference with those who responded the survey.(这句话直译过来如果这是真的,那whirlwind的竞争策略很可能趋向反面,特别是在10-25岁段与回应者有这相同偏好的可能性的情况下...逻辑有点问题吧,应该是偏好不同吧^^)总体感觉思路还可以,可以在语言上多加工吧,类似is likely to这种带be动词的句型太多,有不同意见的话反拍转吧 哈哈

Even if the preference in regard to games’ features is reliable, there can be other factors influencing purchasing behaviors.(改为:) Consumers tend to take a overall consideration about the quality and prices,(take the quality and prices into consideration comprehensively and often...我想这样改...) often with comparison among products from different producers, before they make the final choice. Maybe Whirlwind’s games are only too expensive, thus, the new extensive advertising campaign, which will undoubtedly increase the cost and as a result may lead to even higher prices, will come out to be undesirable.(最后句想改成Thus,the new extensive advertising campagin,which will undoubtedly increase the cost and result in even higer prices, comes out to be undesirable on the conditon that Whirlwind's games are only too expensive你认为呢)

What’s more, there may be other reasons concerning the recent decline in video game’s sales as reported. For example, recent years’ fierce competition in video game industry had caused every individual producer’s sales to decline, or the government had taken effective methods to influence the video game industry, either in producing(manufaccturing吧比较对应) or in marketing. In such cases, this is(there exists the) possibility that Whirlwind’s sale condition was much better than its rivals,(又有疑问,作者主张的观点是Whirlwind's sale 会increase 而你应该反驳他,那又怎么会用存在Whirlwind's condition better than its rivals的论证呢?) thus, the costly campaign will probably be disappointing.  

In conclusion, the survey may illustrate some reasons for the decline in Whirlwind video-games’ sales, but without other information concerning prices and rivals’ conditions, as well as the broader marketing environment such as relevant policies, we can’t fully understand the causes of the reported sales’ decline, say nothing of confidently(confidently of) looking forward to a dramatic increase in sales to follow the simple extensive advertising campaign.

forwyvernhomUID：2266412

个人比较抠门的挑毛病 属于鸡蛋里面挑骨头吧 ^^

bluecoffeeUID：2269264

好佩服啊！
我前几天写完这篇Argument后，找了一个英语系教写作的老师帮忙看看，她给我修改的地方和你改的几乎都一样！想必你是个高手啊！

准备去学习你的文章。

feiniUID：2192761

LZ还是整理个模板出来比较好，没细看，字数有点少，论证必然展开不充分。
我之前也是差不多300字左右，但是在总结了一个适合自己的模板之后，基本上都在480+，考试那篇估计上500了，有时候字数多也是个优势啊，加油！
打倒ETS,哇哈哈哈哈哈！

franskyUID：2298470

The author attributes the decline of Whirlwind video game’s sales to the very features of video games(作者这样说了吗) and accordingly carried out an extensive advertising campaign, which is believed to bring dramatically increasing sales of Whirlwind video games. （似乎没有把因为推出生动游戏而导致畅销这点说出来）But this conclusion is not convincing as asserted.

First of all, the survey on which the argument is based is far from persuasive（闪光句啊）. For one thing, although people 10 to 25 years old are recognized to be most likely to play video games, the survey didn’t focus on this special group of potential customers. For another thing, video game’ features, although claimed to be the most important in the survey, may not be the most factor regarding the game’s popularity. In fact, it may be just the special requirement for up-to-date computers, which probably are often unavailable, that limits the popularity of those lifelike-graphics-providing games. If this is true, the new campaign of Whirlwind is likely to work negatively, especially in the possibility that the 10 to 25 years group has a similar preference with those who responded the survey. （似乎有点问题，广告怎么会起反作用呢？）

Even if the preference in regard to games’ features is reliable, there can be other factors influencing purchasing behaviors. Consumers tend to take a overall consideration about the quality and prices, often with comparison among products from different producers, before they make the final choice. Maybe Whirlwind’s games are only too expensive, thus, the new extensive advertising campaign, which will undoubtedly increase the cost and as a result may lead to even higher prices, will come out to be undesirable.

What’s more, there may be other reasons concerning the recent decline in video game’s sales as reported. For example, recent years’ fierce competition in video game industry had caused every individual producer’s sales to decline, or the government had taken effective methods to influence the video game industry, either in producing or in marketing. In such cases, this is possibility that Whirlwind’s sale condition was much better than its rivals, thus, the costly campaign will probably be disappointing.  

In conclusion, the survey may illustrate some reasons for the decline in Whirlwind video-games’ sales, but without other information concerning prices and rivals’ conditions, as well as the broader marketing environment such as relevant policies, we can’t fully understand the causes of the reported sales’ decline, say nothing of confidently looking forward to a dramatic increase in sales to follow the simple extensive advertising campaign.
偶也是第一次，改不了多少。呵呵