argument12 帮忙改改

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12The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Alta Manufacturing.

"During the past year, Alta Manufacturing had thirty percent more on-the-job accidents than nearby Panoply Industries, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts believe that a significant contributing factor in many on-the-job accidents is fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Alta and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that our employees will get adequate amounts of sleep."

In this argument, the vice president of Alta Manufacturing claims that thirty percent more on-the-job accidents occurred in Alta Manufacturing than in nearby Pancoply Industries. Because in Pancoply the work shifts are one hour shorter than in Alta Manufacturing, some experts believed that the most important reason for the increased accident rate was caused by fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Also, they suggested that Alta Manufacturing should shorten the work shift to decrease the number of such accidents, and at the same time, to increase productivity. The argument for decreasing work shifts in order to reduce on-the-job accidents and to increase productivity in Alta Manufacturing seems logical.
However, the argument is failing to consider other possible alternatives which result in increased on-the-job accidents. Such alternatives may include the fact that workers in Alta Manufacturing are not skilled enough to perform the work. Maybe during the past year, a great number of skilled workers left the company and therefore many green hands are now doing the job. It is also possible that work condition is different and the company added some new machines or equipments and the workers are not skilled enough to operate these new equipments. In addition, the argument fails to consider the work condition and management. Maybe the equipments in Alter Manufacturing is very too old and often breaks down during the operation. It is possible that the work process is not strictly performed by the workers because of the loose management. It appears, therefore, for Alt Manufacture managers to focus on these alternative causes than work shifts.
What is more, no evidence in the argument shows that work shifts in Alta Manufacturing is over the normal standard and cause workers feel tired when they are working. In this case, reducing the work shifts can only lead to the decreasing in the productivity. Again, the decreasing of accidents may not lead to the increasing in the productivity, and there are a lot of factors contributing to the productivity, such as the costs and sales of the products. And to reduce the work shifts many result in the increasing of the costs and therefore reduce the productivity.
Overall, the reasoning behind the decreasing of work shifts in Alter Manufacturing seems logical as stated above since enough relaxation can lead to efficiency in the work and therefore workers are able to produce high quality products without mistakes occurring in the process. However, before any final decisions are made about the decreasing of work shifts, managers in Alter Manufacturing should evaluate all possible alternatives and causes for the increased on-the-job accidents over the past year.

cocoon_mmUID: 2259908

In this argument, the vice president of Alta Manufacturing claims that thirty percent more on-the-job accidents occurred in Alta Manufacturing than in nearby Pancoply Industries. Because in Pancoply the work shifts are one hour shorter than in Alta Manufacturing, some experts believed that the most important reason for the increased accident rate was caused by fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Also, they suggested that Alta Manufacturing should shorten the work shift to decrease the number of such accidents, and at the same time, to increase productivity. The argument for decreasing work shifts in order to reduce on-the-job accidents and to increase productivity in Alta Manufacturing seems logical.（？？？都logical了，还攻击啥）
（首尾太啰嗦，都是套话，跟你的body比起来，而且大部分开头都是抄题目，没有必要 开头结尾就占了这么多，中间只有两小段）
However, the argument is failing to consider other possible alternatives （针对那个还说的other，你实际上是要攻击不是疲劳造成的）which result in increased on-the-job accidents. Such alternatives may include the fact that workers in Alta Manufacturing are not skilled enough to perform the work. Maybe during the past year, a great number of skilled workers left the company and therefore many green hands are now doing the job（新手就一定会造成工伤么，不要跟自己比，应该跟P比）. It is also possible that work condition is different and the company added some new machines or equipments and the workers are not skilled enough to operate these new equipments. In addition, the argument fails to consider the work condition and management. Maybe the equipments in Alter Manufacturing is very too old and often breaks down during the operation. It is possible that the work process is not strictly performed by the workers because of the loose management. It appears, therefore, for Alt Manufacture managers to focus on these alternative causes than work shifts.
多跟P厂比，要说明的是不是P缩短shift我们就同样有效
What is more, no evidence in the argument shows that work shifts in Alta Manufacturing is over the normal standard and cause workers feel tired when they are working. In this case, reducing the work shifts can only lead to the decreasing in the productivity. Again, the decreasing of accidents may not lead to the increasing in the productivity（这个应该仔细分析的）, and there are a lot of factors contributing to the productivity, such as the costs and sales of the products. And to reduce the work shifts many result in the increasing of the costs and therefore reduce the productivity.
Overall, the reasoning behind the decreasing of work shifts in Alter Manufacturing seems logical as stated above since enough relaxation can lead to efficiency in the work and therefore workers are able to produce high quality products without mistakes occurring in the process. However, before any final decisions are made about the decreasing of work shifts, managers in Alter Manufacturing should evaluate all possible alternatives and causes for the increased on-the-job accidents over the past year.

这个题主要的问题是作者认为A事故多是因为工作时间长，同时， 光看事故数量没用，要看事故率，两个厂是否有可比性等，
感觉你总是没有说到点子上，还有开头段实在没有给出topic sentence。多看例子，继续努力吧。