Argument147【SWEETBOX小组】第一次作业 by shrek

shrek8081UID: 2339983

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

The sales of Whirlwind video-games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few month seems at first glance to be an evidently conclusion .however, the argument relies on a series of unproven assumptions and is doubtful as a consequence.

First of all, as mentioned in the argument, the mere fact that the sales of Whirlwind have declined over the past two years is insufficient evidence to conclude that it has anything to do with their products and customers. It is likely that the management of Whirlwind or something undiscovered cause the decline of his sales. For that matter , the survey probably be totally ineffective.

Even assuming that the survey is accurate, people ,10 to 25 years old, who like play video ,can not represent the all the video game players for there is no inevitable connection between games and the ages of players. The new games introduced by Whirlwind may not attract the persons aged 10 to 25 years old, let alone they may not be the main part of video games players.

And even assuming their new products are attractive to the people 10 to 25 years old, there are still considerable video-game companies and enormous new games flood the market every week. perhaps, whirlwind can not guarantee the increase of the new games' sales .Without further evidence the arguer can not convince me that Whirlwind would attract these players of that age-group.

Finally, nor can they justify that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months ,and even if their new games draw these persons successfully ,the patrons who are not in that age-group may lose enthusiasm for their products , which ,of course ,may fail to promise the increase of sales. In short, they can not draw the conclusion that there will be a dramatic increase of their products in the next few months.

In sum, the argument relies on the what might be mistaken conclusion that the influence of players  result in the decline of the video-games of Whirlwind, to strengthen the argument the arguer should provide better evidence to show the survey is effective, and clear evidence that the people whose age are from 10 to 25 are their main customers and their products are quite welcome in the video-game market.  
我的第一篇Argument请大家狠拍啊!

shrek8081UID: 2339983

不知道议论文怎么写,语文作文就比较差!

小破孩UID: 2125288

[是不是加上点东西好点，比如the argument advocates, blablabla]The sales of Whirlwind video-games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few month seems at first glance to be an evidently conclusion .however, [大写]the argument relies on a series of unproven assumptions and is doubtful as a consequence.

First of all, as mentioned in the argument, [这句好像不需要]the mere fact that the sales of Whirlwind have declined over the past two years is insufficient evidence [evidence不需要] to conclude that it has anything to do with their products and customers. It is likely that the management of Whirlwind or something undiscovered cause the decline of his sales. For that matter , the survey probably be [is]totally ineffective.[感觉这点找的好像怪怪的，人家并没有说过去的销售究竟是什么原因造成的，the point is以后的销售会大幅上升，大家讨论下ha]

Even assuming that the survey is accurate, people ,10 to 25 years old, who like [ are likely to]play video ,can not represent the [omit the] all the video game players for [I would prefer using because]there is no inevitable [what does this word mean here?] connection between games and the ages of players. The new games introduced by Whirlwind may not attract the persons aged 10 to 25 years old, let alone they [let alone them being the main part ``bla bla bla, I am not so sure about the grammar here]may not be the main part of video games players.[I guess what your doubt is about whether 10-25 years old people could determine the fate of these new games, but it seems to me that you are arguing the representativeness of these people, i don't know whether this is the main fallacy or even you should take it as a fact~~~]

[Use another begining would be better lar]And even assuming their new products are attractive to the people 10 to 25 years old, there are still considerable video-game companies and enormous new games flood the market every week. perhaps, whirlwind can not guarantee the increase of the new games' sales .Without further evidence the arguer can not convince me that Whirlwind would attract these players of that age-group.

Finally, nor can they justify that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months ,and [or their new games ~~~] even if their new games draw these persons successfully ,[Full stop]the patrons who are not in that age-group may lose enthusiasm for their products , which ,of course ,may fail to promise the increase of sales. In short, they can not draw the conclusion that there will be a dramatic increase of their products in the next few months.

In sum, the argument relies on the [omit the] what might be mistaken [and conclude that] conclusion that the influence of players  result in the decline of the video-games of Whirlwind, [begin a new sentence]to strengthen the argument the arguer should provide better evidence to show the survey is effective, and clear evidence that the people whose age are from 10 to 25 are their main customers and their products are quite welcome in the video-game market.

呵呵,先多谢组长把我加进来,不知道该改谁的就拿你开刀了,瓦咔咔
感觉point找的怪怪的,不知道是不是看多了大家的了见到不一样的反而觉得不舒服
不知道组长发上来之前有没有自己再读一遍,哪怕不是修改内容只是语法和句法.好像很多句子都是连在一起用的,呵呵
不知道说的对不对,我也是第一次给人改东西,呵呵,欢迎回拍

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-674183-1-1.html

[ 本帖最后由 小破孩 于 2007-5-27 18:58 编辑 ]

shrek8081UID: 2339983

当时是时间比较紧,很快就写完发上来了,没有检查,所以很多低级错误,还有是第一次写之前只看过一篇范文,所以写的很差,你改的很好啊,分析的很有道理,多谢啦!