Issue17 请指教

ting000123UID: 172404

Issue17 There are two types of laws: just and unjust. Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and, even more importantly, to disobey and resist unjust laws.

1 法律的存在即为合理,无论公正与否,都要遵守.
2 法律的特点决定了如果disbey, 就要付出代价.
3 绝对公正不可能存在,立场不同价值评判不同.
4 承接上一段.
5 修改法律就是为了改正不公正的法律,但还是要obey法律.
6 我们的目的是:遵守现有的,追求更好的.

Essentially, law, backed by the coercive power of the state, which enforce the law by means of appropriate penalties or remedies, is a substantial mean to maintain society stable. Laws are categorized into two types, just law and unjust law. Given that the world runs in gear, it is reasonable for its existence, no matter whether it is just or not.

Law, resembling morality, culture, mores and public opinion, is designed to control our behavior. But they are distinguished from the way how they are applied and the sequent when they are violated. Laws are enforced by the courts; if you break a law-whether you like or not-you may be forced to pay a fine, pay damage, or go to prison. This characteristic determines that if you disobey and resist the law, you have to deserve what you do, no matter whether the law you violated is just or unjust.

It is indisputable that law, enacted by lawmakers and affected by subjective criterion more or less, is not completely just. What’s more, the justice is varied due to the value, estate, standpoint of the society and individual. In case of execution, Germany and France, both of the presentations of British & US, have abolished execution. However, is it fair for other casualties? China, belonging to Continental Law, has kept execution. Nevertheless, it is seemly cruel for offends. It is confused to tell whose criterion is better. Ben Laden, leader of terrorists, strongly hostile to Western systems, adopted violent measures to resist the Western and resulted in guilty people death. But he is regarded as the savior of the Arabian nation to some extent. Meanwhile, in different period, justice alters. In feudal era, Land Constitution was satisfied with the owners while unfair to the farmer workers; in modern society, Land Constitution guarantees most people interests while unfair to who originally own land, because they were deprived from their properties.

The goal of the law is not only governing our conducts, but also intended to give effect to social politics. Health Care, as well as loans to students who can not afford tuition fee, and so on, depends on nation finance, which comes from tax system. Some affording more may assert that it is unjust to them. The significance of existence of law is not justice, but the rationality. Maybe individual do not consider it judicial, in a high level, it is just and suitable to society.

We have the privilege to restrain inequity, rather than law. Born to be equal, no one is special to break the law to threaten other people’s safety and properties. In certain period, after a wide-range discussion and effect of application, laws that are not correct and unsuitable can be amended by legal way to fit the development of the society. It means that you never violate law before a better and appropriate law has enacted. Moreover, an orderly society is the foundation of ensuring citizens to live better. Constitution, fundamental to the nation, can not be changing more frequently. It is our obligation to obey law. If we allow the first disobedience, there will be the second, and the third. Consequently, social system may collapse.

Admittedly, anyone who pursues justice wants a just legitimate system. However, there is no complete just and equal law. And that is what our human is seeking after: obeying what we have had, searching for what is better.

ppmonkeyUID: 108816

很久没给人改作文了，已经有点忘记了，语法我就不改了，大体说几点看法吧：
1。第一感觉是段落好多：观点多不是错，但是在相同字数的情况下，每一个论点的论证就会不充分。所以提高字数不能靠增加论点，要充实每一个论点。issue的话一般3个论点差不多了，顶多再加一小段给个建议或者折中什么的

2。每一段的中心句归纳性不够强，最好的中心句是看了以后如果读者不想细看仍然不会影响后面的阅读，但是比如第二段Law, resembling morality。。。看了第一句我是不知道你想说什么的，倒是这一段的最后一句归纳清楚了，这句最好就放在第一句，评卷人可能是没有耐心看到最后一句的

3。有些论证不充分： Health Care, as well as loans to students who can not afford tuition fee, and so on, depends on nation finance, which comes from tax system. Some affording more may assert that it is unjust to them.
  这个例子就论证完了吗？我知道你的意思，但是评卷人不一定知道，有些东西不是你我知道就可以的，要说出来！Some affording mor emay assert that this system is unjust to them, while those who have received financial help may be perfectly satisfactory with this policy.

4.最后就是语句，句子过于复杂，比如第一句话，我看了好几遍。。。。长句是好的，但是不要走极端，除了用大量从句之外，句式的变化还包括倒装，被动，插入语。。。。不要忘了

总的来说作为第1篇是相当不错的，看的出你的语言功底不错，加油，没问题的。

rilchUID: 2361024

破题：我觉得lz选择的立场不太好写。thesis分成两部分，先陈述事实 “There are two types of laws: just and unjust.”，紧接着，提出观点， “Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and, even more importantly, to disobey and resist unjust laws.”
典型的写法：
A: 赞同：由于存在不正义的法律，当然应该不遵守，甚至反抗。这种写法比较循规蹈矩， 历史上大量的例子可以引用，比如废除农奴制，不正当竞争法，男女不平等，等等
B: 不赞同，也就是lz选择的立场，只要是法律，就应该遵守。且不说着观点从价值观上是否正确，从论证难度、例证选择方面都很有难度。
C: 折衷或者釜底抽薪，大家可以补充，不细说。

观点组织：
作者在第一段比较明确地表明了立场。从语言组织上有层层梯进的感觉，最后一句提出观点，符合一般写作常规，值得推荐。但最后一句引进了一些新的概念和观点，“Given that the world runs in gear, it is reasonable for its existence, no matter whether it is just or not.“ 这个句子自身包含一个因果关系，作者的意思很明确，就是想说明存在就是合理，但理由很模糊，“Given that the world runs in gear“，感觉论证不是很有力。建议：要反对，就彻底反对，而且姚明明白白地说出来，否则会让人感觉立场不苟鉴定。
中间几段并没有很多地支持作者的观点：为什么法律的存在就是合理的？要说清楚这个问题，必须要直接针对对立的观点：不正义的法律为什么是合理的？不正义的法律我们为什么需要遵守？遵守不正义的法律会不会有什么不好的社会影响？
如果顺着作者的逻辑，也可以发现观点上的漏洞：
2 法律的特点决定了如果disbey, 就要付出代价. [因为怕付出代价而遵守不正义的法律，这种观点好像不对头？]
3 绝对公正不可能存在,立场不同价值评判不同.[绝对公正是不可能存在的，所以我们要坚决反抗不正义的法律，而不是顺应]
4 承接上一段. [难道因为社会的需要就放弃个人的需求吗？]
5 修改法律就是为了改正不公正的法律,但还是要obey法律. [这不是一个理由，更像是一个逻辑诡辩。]

另外，指出一些词汇用法，绝对正义（absolute justice）; equal law, 表达含糊，law to promote or for equality; 等等。

ting000123UID: 172404

楼上两位有许多建议很中要害，其实我自己在写和反复修改的过程中有许多地方也是别别扭扭的，但其实自己也不知道该如何更好的改正。