Argument147 (限时又失败鸟.....)

jeileeUID: 2298006

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."


In this analysis, the arguer state that the sales of Whirlwind(W) would be likely to increase dramatically. To substantiate his statement, he cites a survey reveals that people would enjoy their new games, and provides evidence that the games are advertised specially for people between 10 and 25 years old, who are most likely to play video games. Compelling as the argument seems, a careful and deeply inspection would illuminate how flimsy and groundless it is.

To begin with, the author confuses us by providing fallacious assumption that people between 10 to 25 years old would be the exact age-group that are most likely to play video games. He fails to provide evidence that can support his assumption, if it is people aged from 25-35 years old that enjoy playing games, the advertising campaign would be of little use. Even if we commit the credibility of the assumption, the argument suffers another fallacy assumption that the players response to the survey are people they direct to. Possibility remains that these players are aged from 35-40, who do work hard and lack the sense of daily life, thus they focus on the lifelike graphics.

Moreover, even if these premises are true, no evidence at hand can prove that people would certain buy games that provide lifelike graphics. The most important feature of games does not stand for the only feature. Player would also pay attention on features such as music, the operation and so on. Furthermore, even though they do like these games, they may not be able to afford the most up-do-date computers, which is required to play such games. After all, people from 10 to 25 years old are children that have little money of their own, or young people who have just started their working and have little saving.

Last but not the least, given that people would like to buy such games, the increase of the sales of W would remain to be doubtful for reasons as follows. Firstly, the arguer neglect to consider reasons that lead to the decrease of the sales of W. It is highly possible that the service of the W is so poor that people would not like to buy its production, or the technology that used in their games are premature and the games would nor run on smoothly or even do harm to the computer. If any of the chances come into existence, the sales of the company would not increase even people enjoy these kinds of games before they solve these problems. Secondly, there are competitors with more advance technology to product such games with an even more vivid and lively lifelike graphics.  

To sum up, considering so many flaws and insufficient attestation, I would suspend my trust on the conclusion that drawn from them. The arguer should do more study and provide more details, such as the real cause of declining in sales, the effective market for the new games and the ability of other competitors. Only by solving the potential problems mentioned above and providing more reliability proof can the arguer come to a convincing and credible conclusion.

这篇又没按时写完,我的A总是写不完,更别说检查词语有没错了.
但现在想先专心写I,毕竟A不会跑题.....我想,最后用两天时间多写几篇A是不是就可以了呢??比如集中写3\4篇,熟练了后是不是就能写完了?
现在A的提纲都全部完成了,但写的时候还是感觉组织不起来, 花很多时间在想下一句该写什么.
另外,我的语言....会不会太简单,或者重复太多??时间太赶脑海闪过什么词就写什么,应该还是练习太少呢?
针对我的问题的话,大概还要再练多少篇有可能写完呢,好安排下时间....
PS.我是先把纲要写完再补充的,也就是开头结尾和三段TS,这次是第三段没写完,几乎都没写....
问题很多,时间很赶,麻烦了....谢谢.......(鞠躬.......)

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-7-25 14:28 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

In this analysis, the arguer state(s)(predicts比较好) that the sales of Whirlwind(W) would be likely to increase dramatically. To substantiate his statement, he cites a survey reveals (which seems to prove) that people would enjoy their new games, and provides evidence that the games are advertised specially for people between 10 and 25 years old, who are most likely to play video games(这个论据跟SURVEY加起来才能证明新游戏会受欢迎, SURVEY只说消费者喜欢什么类型的游戏, 而这个论据才说了公司开发什么类型的游戏). Compelling as the argument seems, a careful and deeply inspection would illuminate how flimsy and groundless it is.

To begin with, the author confuses us by providing fallacious assumption that people between 10 to 25 years old would be the exact age-group that are most likely to play video games. He fails to provide evidence that can support his assumption, if it is people aged from 25-35 years old that enjoy playing games, the advertising campaign would be of little use.(你又怎么证明最爱玩游戏的是25到35岁的人呢? 照这种攻击思路, 完全可以攻击"作者没有论据证明他是正常人，如果他是个脑残, 那么他看见这些可能都是幻觉"...这种攻击就显得很没有技术含量了, 要攻击这个点的话需要背景支持, 比如有成人向的游戏等等, 而这个年龄段又跟另一个攻击点是相互衔接的, 就是那个游戏要求最好的电脑的, 因此不妨放到一起说) Even if we commit the credibility of the assumption, the argument suffers another fallacy (fallacious) assumption that the players response to the survey are people they direct to. Possibility remains that these players are aged from 35-40(不用给这么详细的年龄段, 你覆盖的范围于精确, 你自己的立场就越薄弱, 直接说调查对象不一样是10到25岁的就行了), who do work hard and lack the sense of daily life, thus they focus on the lifelike graphics(then how will this undermine the author's statement? 把话说完, 论证到位, 说明如果调查人群和指向人群不一样, 公司的新游戏广告就不会奏效).

Moreover, even if these premises are true, no evidence at hand can prove that people would certain(ly) buy games that provide lifelike graphics. The most important feature of games does not stand for the only feature. Player would also pay attention on features such as music, the operation and so on.(So then? 还是论证不到位, 光凭画面的游戏不一定卖的好, 如果其它都不行那么还是不会有人买, 就好象衣服好看是人们挑衣服的主要依据, 但穿两下就破的好看衣服也不会有人买一样) Furthermore, even though they do like these games, they may not be able to afford the most up-do-date computers, which is required to play such games(这个攻击点最好结合年龄段说). After all, people from 10 to 25 years old are children that have little money of their own, or young people who have just started their working and have little saving.(可以和上一句合并成一个论证主体)

Last but not the least, given that people would like to buy such games, the increase of the sales of W would remain to be doubtful for reasons as follows. Firstly, the arguer neglect(s) to consider (preivous) reasons that lead to the decrease of the sales of W(fails to take...into consideration)(这句话的出发点不错, 但表达不精确, 因为要强调的是在销售产品类型之外的原因, 因此明确这些原因的范围, 不然就跟前文作者的论据矛盾了). It is highly possible that the service of the W(正规写作单词不要用首字母简略) is so poor that people would not like to buy its production, or the technology that used in their games are premature and the games would nor run on smoothly or even do harm to the computer(针对游戏特点的它因前面已经说过了, 这里有重复, 可以考虑广告手段, 竞争等等因素). If any of the chances come into existence, the sales of the company would not increase even people enjoy these kinds of games before they solve these problems(they指代不明, 用被动好了). Secondly, there are competitors with more advance technology to product such games with an even more vivid and lively lifelike graphics.  (这个攻击点完全可以被reasons that lead...覆盖, 没必要secondly, 放前面一起写就行了)

To sum up, considering so many flaws and insufficient attestation, I would suspend my trust on the conclusion(what conclusion? 太模版的句子没有针对性, 跟没写没什么区别) that drawn from them. The arguer should do more study and provide more details, such as the real cause of declining in sales, the effective market for the new games and the ability of other competitors. Only by solving the potential problems mentioned above and providing more reliability proof can the arguer come to a convincing and credible conclusion.

总评: 你的ARGUMENT还行, 没有到要重考的地步, 现在要做的就是突击积累下同义词和句型, 增强语言, 其实就语法和精度而言还不错了, 注意一些小错误, 比如第三人称单数跟的谓语. 时间不够可以适当精简内容, 象你现在的段落中有些思路比较散, 结果反而浪费篇幅, 写哪个点之前先考虑下, 再对它展开效率会比较高.

jeileeUID: 2298006

To begin with, the arguer confuses us by providing some fallacious assumptions of ages.Firstly, no information about the players that response to the survey, especially their age. If the palyers are from other age-groups rather than between 10 to 25, the result of the survey would have little to do with the new games.  Secondely, the arguer assumes that people aged from 10 to 25 would be the age-group that are most likely to play video games without providing any evidence to suppprt it.  It is highly possible that as a matter of face, people in this age-group have little time and energy to play games as they are busy studying or just start their woking.Furthermore, people of this age-group may not be able to afford the up-to-date computer which is required to play these games, for that children are lack of money and new empoyees would have little savings to support this luxury consumption.

Moreover, even if assumtions mentioned above come into existence... If the games are well-done in providing players a lifelike graphics but  poor in music, which strongly undermine the quality and the  lifelike degree, people would not pay for.

Last but not the least... 导致下降的原因:服务或宣传.以及竞争,对手在同类型上的成本低,售价也比较低等.

这样改会好点吧??回去再重新组织提纲~!
另外,写不完的问题....多写几篇是可以解决的吧?照你的经验看,大概几篇勒....
谢谢~!!!

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

If the palyers are from other age-groups rather than between 10 to 25, the result of the survey would have little to do with the new games, which mainly aim at such aged players　还是要注意对应
Secondely, the arguer assumes that people aged from 10 to 25 would be the age-group that are most likely to play video games without providing any evidence to suppprt it.  It is highly possible that as a matter of face, people in this age-group have little time and energy to play games as they are busy studying or just start their woking if so, even supposed the survey involve these players and indicates they are fond of such games, they may not be able to play, and thus, keep away from Whirlwind's products.[/COLOR] 同样毛病

不是写几篇的问题, 认真看下范文的论证手段, 弄透了范文怎么展开例子的, 试用下, 精写个一两篇就够了.

Francis07UID: 2185659

怎么都好写的那么长？晕了。。