argument6 求拍.仍然不能圆满完成

ghost33UID??2267869

TOPIC: ARGUMENT6 - The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."
WORDS: 449          TIME: 0:30:00          DATE: 2007-8-9

Before leading money to the C Note, more examination should be conducted, since the analysis in this application is far from convincing, without cogent reasoning and persuasive evidences to demonstrate a bright future to the C Note.

To begin with, the information about the potential customer to this club in this application lends little support. For one thing, the fact that nearest jazz club is 65 miles away does not guarantee the C Note can get the whole local market. Whether people will go to one club is determined more than one factor. To those serious jazz fans, they would never go to an inferior bar because its location is near to their living places. Given that the most popular jazz musicians to people in Monroe regularly perform in that nearest bar, there is a good chance that the local jazz fans will choose to travel to the bar. Also, the price is another factor. With high prices, people would rather stay at home watching TV or find out some other alternatives. Unless the arguer can rule out such possibilities, his/her opinion about the local market would be better to remain dubious.

Secondly, whether jazz is extremely popular in Monroe as the arguer believes is not so obvious. For one thing, over 100,000 people attended the jazz festival does not mean that jazz is popular in Monroe. With developed transports in modern society, it is common for people from other cities even other countries to take planes, trains or some other equipment to attend a festival. Given that over 90 percent of the audiences are not local people, the argument would be seriously undermined. For another, the fact that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe contributes little to the argument. Such fact may only indicate that Monroe boasts for its fresh air, quiet environment, and so forth. Even worse, we may wonder why, with famous jazz musicians in Monroe, there is no jazz club till now, if jazz is popular in Monroe. If people do be crazy about jazz, why not set up a club and invite those celebrities perform, after all it is so convenient? For another, the highest-rated radio program does not prove jazz's popularity. Maybe such radio programs themselves are failures, with few audiences. If this is true, the argument loses its credibility.

Last but not least, the nationwide study is too vague to support the argument. For one thing, how many typical jazz fans in Monroe is unknown, though they are big customers. Given there is none typical jazz fan, the arguer should better drop the idea of the club.

In sum, this argument is not well substantiated; the arguer should provide more information about the market to support his/her application.   

菲子UID??2311527

TOPIC: ARGUMENT6 - The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe. "A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."WORDS: 449          TIME: 0:30:00          DATE: 2007-8-9


Before leading money to the C Note, more examination should be conducted, since the analysis in this application is far from convincing, without cogent reasoning and persuasive evidences to demonstrate a bright future to the C Note.
To begin with, the information about the potential customer to this club in this application lends little support. For one thing, the fact that nearest jazz club is 65 miles away does not guarantee the C Note can get the whole local market. Whether people will go to one club is determined more than one factor. To those serious jazz fans, they would never go to an inferior（这个假设有点武断了啊！没有证据说C Note 是inferior的哈） bar（only） because its location is near to their living places. Given that the most popular jazz musicians to people in Monroe regularly perform in that nearest bar, there is a good chance that the local jazz fans will choose to travel to the bar. （有一点疑惑哈，到底你是说原有的bar比较near 还是C Note？是不是有点指代不明的问题？）Also, the price is another factor. With high prices, people would rather stay at home watching TV or find out some other alternatives. Unless the arguer can rule out such possibilities, his/her opinion about the local market would be better to remain dubious.（除了一点理解方面的小问题以外，这段还是很不错的哈）

（我觉得第二个正文段可以和第一个正文段换一下位置，这样段落之间更有逻辑）
Secondly, whether jazz is extremely popular in Monroe as the arguer believes is not so obvious. For one thing, over 100,000 people attended the jazz festival does not mean that jazz is popular in Monroe. With developed transports in modern society, it is common for people from other cities even other countries to take planes, trains or some other equipment to attend a festival. Given that over 90 percent of the audiences are not local people, the argument would be seriously undermined. For another, the fact that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe contributes little to the argument. Such fact may only indicate that Monroe boasts for its fresh air, quiet environment, and so forth. Even worse, we may wonder why, with famous jazz musicians in Monroe, there is no jazz club till now, if jazz is popular in Monroe. If people do be crazy about jazz, why not set up a club and invite those celebrities perform, after all it is so convenient? For another, the highest-rated radio program does not prove jazz's popularity. Maybe such radio programs themselves are failures, with few audiences. If this is true, the argument loses its credibility. （这段分析得很好哦！赞一个！）

Last but not least, the nationwide study is too vague to support the argument. For one thing, how many typical jazz fans（are） in Monroe is unknown, though（这里为啥要转折哩？）they are big customers. Given there is none typical jazz fan, the arguer should better drop the idea of the club. 这一段又是时间不够了吧，加油哦！In sum, this argument is not well substantiated; the arguer should provide more information about the market to support his/her application.   

很大进步哦，就是时间上把握好一点就好了，我也是同样问题啊。